Two Angry Men

A Sad, Sad, Day Indeed. Well, Not Really. We Really Don't Think Anyone Will Give A Flying Fuck.

2007-11-20T20:56:00.000Z

Well. it was fun while it lasted. Wasn't it? Yep, that's right. Me and my trusty wingman, Dasgeordie, are fucking this site right off. You may have noticed that we haven't updated the site in fucking ages. This is for several reasons:

a) There is only so many ways we can call Brett Ratner, Orlando Bloom, John Travolta, Len Wiseman, Robin Williams and Owen Wilson massive cunts.

b) I have run out of cocks to Photoshop onto pictures of any of the above.

c) Celebrity Products started to get a bit wank.

d) Most of our posts started to get a bit wank.

e) We were getting far too many hits from France.

f) We're lazy cunts.

So there you have it folks. This site will be deleted within a few short weeks to make way for someone else to spend an unnatural amount of time writing pointless crap and posting it onto the Worldwide Wank. We have decided to do something completely new in the new year. We will no longer be bound by the inherent wankness of Blogger and we will host our own site. Probably called something like........Two Angry Men. Yeah, the new site might even contain, wait for it.........humourous content.

So, all those celebrities that we hate (Rob Zombie) can rest assured that they will not remain safe forever. We'll now hand you over to some of our regular contributors to say goodbye.

"Alright cahnts. This is farkin' chokin'me right up this. Mind you, this sites always been fackin' pony if you ask me. Get facked!"

MYSTIC PIZZA

"Hey friends. Lets say bye why not. Miyagi here. Me fucky sad long time to see two angwy men give up due to lazy time. They suck major cock those boys. Cocksucky fuckheads. Me very pissed at those fly-catching minge trimmers. I say........GO FUCK YOUR MOTHERS. BONSAI!!!!!!

MR MIYAGI

"Let's suck some dick!

KEVIN SPACEY, TOM CRUISE and GEORGE CLOONEY

Ahhhh, that's lovely. Seriously though, thanks to all the regular readers (extra special thanks to Ooshka, Phorenzik, Mariomark and that chap from UK:R) who supported the site over the past 6 months. It's been a good fucking laugh. Sort of. If you like this sort of thing. See you in the new year cheddar-bells.

P.S. Elliot, if you are reading this.........do your fucking homework!

P.P.S Jon Brown, if you are reading this........it was only a joke. No offence. Honestly.

P.P.P.S. John Hannah, if you are reading this..........where's my FUCKING TENNER YOU MASSIVE CUNT?

P.P.P.PS. If anyone from Cinesite is reading this, any chance of a job? We could Photoshop loads of cocks into the next Harry Potter film for ya.

The In-The-Closet-Hobbits: Chapter Two. From Mordor To Sydney

2007-11-02T22:02:00.000Z

Finally! A Female Celebrity Product.

2007-11-01T21:47:00.000Z

I've just ordered mine from www.loser.com. Only £584.99. Sweet as.

The Exorcist hic 2: Crapman's Re...hic view

2007-10-27T23:39:00.000+01:00

Awwwww hell no. I saw this shit when I was....*hic*......14. I remember it being total wank. I....*hic*....decided to watch it again tonight because it was on fucking.....*hrffff*....Bravo, and to be....*hic*.......honest, I was right the first fucking....*splurf*........time. What a pile of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Linda Blair don't even get 'er fucking.....*hnfff*......tit's out. Richard Burtock should be fucking ashamed of himself and I bet....*parp*......William Friedken is spinning in his fucking grave.......did I ever tell you the time I had that dream about going to Blockbusters to rent stuff?......Ahhhhhh.....Arse! Mind you.....I am a bit.......*hic*........pissed.

Saturday night telly is fucking.....*pfpfffff*.....wank!

Saw IV: Crabman's Review

2007-10-27T14:29:00.000+01:00

And that's being kind.

EDIT: This is just another confirmation that the fourth film in any franchise is utter wank. Can anyone actually think of a fourth film in any franchise that was any good. And don't say ROCKY IV.

NEW! A Celebrity Theme Park

2007-10-24T21:50:00.000+01:00

Mummy, mummy, can we go? Pleeeeeeeease. I want to wave my lightsabre around while we watch camels do what you and daddy do at night. Yaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!

Mark's onto a fucking nice little earner here.

Sneaky Script Excerpt: Meet The Spartans

2007-10-24T20:03:00.000+01:00

Occasionally, we here at 2AM Towers (Fuck off, Ooshka!) get a WORLD EXCLUSIVE passed through our sweaty, hairy palms. Something so exciting that it would go RIGHT OVER the heads of the big-wig sites out there. Something so pulse-poundingly riveting that it needs to be sneaked out via the back-door that is our shitty site. Well, today is not one of those days. Today is the exact opposite of that day. In fact, if one of those days was finding Scarlett Johannsen gagged and bound and lubed-up, then today would be like waking up with a hang-over next to Michelle Rodriguez.

Today we got a copy of the MEET THE SPARTANS script pushed through our letter-box. In an envelope that seemed to be smeared in shit. And on fire. If you don't know about MEET THE SPARTANS, you are lucky. Imagine the worst, laziest, oxygen-deficient piece of cinematic "parody" the world has ever seen and then times that by ten. And add a million. After seeing the trailer, my entire family shat egg whites for a week. And the family dog talked hebrew at half twelve every day for two minutes. It's that bad. I don't give a shit if you parody some shitty teen horror movie, but taking the piss out of 300? You might as well run through every charva estate in the UK with an "I FUCKED MADDY" t-shirt and a child's doll strapped to your cock... that's how badly people are going to hurt you.

Anyway, here's a choice excerpt from the script -

EXT. STONE PATH - SOMEWHERE IN GREECE - NIGHT

A group of swarthy Spartan warriors gather up the corpses of their fallen victims and pile them in a mound. SPARTAN #1 and SPARTAN #2 banter as they throw the dead higher and higher up the burgeoning wall.

SPARTAN #1Ha ha, verily I did school your ass back then during that fine battle.

SPARTAN #2Forsooth, varmin, you talk nonsense. And your mater is so fat, she has to wear a "Wide Load" sign.

SPARTAN #1Why that is nothing, Spartan warrior man, your motherial unit is so poor, she can't afford to pay attention. Verily.

Suddenly, Paris Hilton walks out from behind the pile of corpses carrying a small dog in a handbag.

PARISOh my god, this is like soooo whatever. You guys are totally, like, over and that.

Paris walks off behind the corpses again. Leonidas approaches. As he walks up to them, he accidentally trips over an errant duck and falls on his face. The two Spartans exchange comical glances and carry on piling corpses.

And another bit from the script as well -

EXT. SMALL VALLEY - SOMEWHERE ELSE IN GREECE - DAY

The amassed ranks of the Spartan army gather in tight phalanx formation in between the high narrow walls of the [Could somebody check out, like, which country this thing is set in? AC] Valley. They hold their shields before them and point their spears towards the onrushing hordes of Persian soldiers charging them. It looks like certain defeat, but Leonidas turns to address his troops.

LEONIDASI know what you're thinking, men, that this is certain doom. That we will die verily before the might of this giant army... But you're wrong! For tonight, we shall prove our worth and send their souls to Hell. For tonight... We dine...

Leonidas spins to camera and produces a Big Mac and Fries.

LEONIDAS..In MacDonalds!

The entire Spartan army pulls out various meal deals from MacDonalds and tucks in to the tasty treats. From out of a cave in the valley walls, Lindsay Lohan stumbles out, looking confused.

LINDSAYOh my god, you guys are so, like, bitches and shit. I totally, like, hate you guys. So, whatever, like, dude...

She walks off. Leonidas finishes his burger and strolls back to the front of the army. On the way there, he accidentally trips over a duck and falls flat on his face. A bunch of Spartan soldiers giggle under their breaths.

Oh wait, it gets worse! This is the last excerpt as I don't want to spoil it -

INT. SPARTAN COUNCIL CHAMBERS - SPARTA - NIGHT

Queen [Jesus, who thought of doing this as a period piece? I have to do fucking RESEARCH and shit! AC] Somethingorother addresses the amassed Spartan council of old men in togas and stuff. [Watch some I, CLAUDIUS and copy that. AC] Anyway, she steps up. Maybe shows a bit of titty.

QUEENI come before you, oh wise nobles of Sparta, to beg to help my husband in his hour of need. In our country's hour of need. It is very important you--

She is cut off by a mobile phone ringing in the counsel. It plays Rihanna's "Umbrella". A fusty old man answers and has an argument with his wife.

OLD MANYeah, I told you, it's council day!
[beat]
I know, we gotta debate and shit. It's awfully dull.
[beat]
Just put my dinner in the oven and I'll reheat it when I get in.
[beat]
Oh, and make sure you Tivo HOW IT'S MADE for me.

He puts his phone away. The Queen sighs and is about to continue when Leslie Nielsen runs out from the side of the hall, looking confused.

LESLIEGoddamnit, they don't pay me enough for this shit! I was in AIRPLANE, for god's sake!

He runs off, but trips over a confused duck. The council laughs at him.

There's more comedy gold in them thar comedy hills than you can shake a big shitty, comedy stick at! MEET THE SPARTANS? SHIT THE SPARTANS, more like.

Why We Are Angry: The List (Part Three)

2007-10-24T19:50:00.000+01:00

A while back DasGeordie and myself posted a long list of things that for some reason or another made us “angry”. My list was comprehensive but twas just the tip of the iceberg so I have decided to create another list. Viddy well fuckos!

Len Wiseman, Len Wiseman’s severe lack of talent, the fact that Len Wiseman gets Kate Beckinsale’s twat in his face every night, early nights, late nights, early mornings, getting to work late, getting to work early, getting to work to find out you have switched desks and now have to sit next to a girl with a brain the size of a peanut, shit with half eaten peanuts in that rips your ring to shreds the next morning, the recent Nicholas Cage film NEXT, Nicholas Cage’s erratic hairstyles, hairstyles, the fact I have no fucking hair, the fact that I get called Friar Tuck on an embarrassingly regular basis, Chris Moyles, the fact that Chris Moyles considers himself hot shit just because he’s written two shitty fucking books about his fat fucking life, people that read books, people that read at all, people who think it’s fine to sit in a pub with a glass of water ALL FUCKING NIGHT and take up the seats, students obviously, getting pubes stuck in my foreskin, foreskins in general, the price of bread these days, the price of everything these days, children, people who have children then don’t bother bringing the little cunts up properly so they end prowling the streets spitting on disabled people, disabled people, disabled people who milk fuck out of the system, the system, Brett Ratner and anything remotely associated with him, Guy Richie and anything remotely associated with him including his hagged old cunt of a wife, the fact that The Spice Girls are reuniting, the cost of Blu-ray movies, the stupid fucking Blu-ray vs HD DVD war that will go on for fucking ever, migraines, my brain, the fact that I have been too lazy to put up the blinds in the bathroom so if I have a wank in the shower in the morning the entire fucking apartment block would be able to see, the fact that I’m too lazy to go to the gym, gyms, smug cunts who go to the gym and go on and fucking on about how good they feel......FUCK OFF, chest pains, foot pains, back pains, pains in the arse, arseholes, anal sex, Jamie Oliver, the thought of Jamie Oliver having anal sex, having flashbacks from my childhood reminding me what a massive cunt I was, walking down the street and seeing someone you know about 500 meters in front of you who then acknowledges you but then you have a really awkward walk towards them not knowing where to look for some reason, taking a piss just after you’ve had a wank / fuck and it sprays all over the fucking toilet walls, public toilets, walking to work on a Monday morning only to find that several filthy cunts have left a puke minefield for you to navigate, slugs, stepping on slugs, stepping in shit, shit, Harry Knowles, the thought of Harry Knowles taking a shit, the thought of Harry Knowles having anal sex with shitty slugs all over him, Christmas, the fact that adverts for Christmas now appear on TV in fucking June, the thought of fucking June Whitfield, the thought of fucking June Whitfield up the arse whilst Brett Ratner and Harry Knowles watch and smear slug shit all over themselves.

I need help

EDIT: We are available for children's parties by the way.

Worldwide Celebrations Continue At New Posting

2007-10-23T19:09:00.000+01:00

As the news of a brand new posting by the legends behind multi-award-winning internet website Two Angry Men finally reaches the last, most obscure tribe in the deep deltas of the Sudan, worldwide celebrations begin. I can now hand you over to our man in Thaiwan, Lo Slung Denim.

Yesh, thank you veh much. We hear news of new posting on interweb site, Two Angry Men and we get fireworks out velly quickly. We host huge display in red light district, which cover forty square miles. We hold parade in street and only let best-rooking rady boy lide on back of float. Our Plime Minister announce that, from now on, this be fluckin' well rown as Two Angly Men day and it become National Day for taking piss out of those less fortunate than ourselfs. And he say racism now OK, we no ronger have to mutter our "Ha ha, you say 'r' instead of 'l'" jokes about stupid white people. You sirry letards!

Ha, thanks for that! We now go live to my close personal friend, Anita Bevir in the capital of the Good Old United Kingdom of States and say, "Howdy pardner! How are you celebrating this momentous day?

Yes, thank you a whole gosh darn much, you rootin' tootin' sack o' man, y'all! We here in the Yew-nited States of Awesom-erica are sure as shootin' gonna outdo the yella menace when it comes to celebrating. Why just this morning, when I found out the news, I sacrificed BOTH my firstborn kids to the Screen Actor's Guild in thanks to those brave soldiers out there, making quality films. If it wasn't for those Freedom Fry-eating motherfuckers at Two Angry United Men, well, darnit, I think my poor Billy and Bobby might have grown-up in a world where marginally poor films were made. And that just ain' American, good gosh y'all!

Thank you for an interesting piece, there, Anita! Now, we cross over to the fair nation that birthed these two mighty internet stallions to see how they celebrated An Actual Post appearing on their website. Charles, how's it going?

Well, bally good to hear from you, old chap! I've just been up the apples and pears to check out the hullabaloo that's goin' on over me noggin', laaaa! It seems we've only gone and blown the whole of bloody Big Ben up to celebrate this spiffingly pip old day! I mean, it's not every day some ol' caaahnt makes a post on the internet! Why, by heavens, it's certainly not every day somebody gets a mite upset about them too. Lords a lawky, but this is a magical day!

And finally, our regional respondent, Ken Bigley, reports in from a beach somewhere in England.

Just a fucking stupid post on the internet, innit. Bag o' shite if you ask me. Dunno what all the fuss is about. Now fuck off, I'm walking me dog.

Thanks for that, Ken! Now, if you know of any celebrations occuring in your area, please be sure to let us know. After all, we wouldn't want this special day to pass us by, now, would we?

Mr Miyagi Like Jon Brown Sans Long Time

2007-10-23T18:27:00.000+01:00

Hey now living argue peeps! What’’s with agro long time? Why you silly boy’s not just get along nicely eh? Miyagi been sitting on his cloud trying to catch fly with chopstick, for fucking change, when I read all this stuff about funny white man Jon Brown sans. He nice boy so leave alone or Miyagi get verrrrrrry mad and come down to living world and kick shit out of all involved. Wax on! I read Mr Brown sans site and it make Miyagi laugh hard. I like when he mention how annoying it is to have tall granny. My granny was verrrrrry tall indeed. 4ft 6 inches to be exact, She tower over Miyagi sans and make him do massive doody in pants when I not finish my noodles. She die when I six year old. Ha ha ha ha ha. Stupid wrinkly, tall woman with minge like Babylon garden.

Also, Miyagi nearly shit brick when he read Brown sans post about how laxatives make you do giganto doody in pants if not careful. Maaaany times Miyagi get caught short. I remember when Chris Farley sans and Miyagi take laxative just before going to Oscar ceremony before we die. Not good idea. Farley sans spray rancid water doody all over George Lucas sans just before Billy Crystal come on to tell funny joke. Like Jon Brown sans. Ha ha ha ha ha. Stupid Star Wars, beardy man. He long time covered in Farley shit.

And how can angry peeps like you not find getting an erection on a plane funny eh? Wax off! I used to get stiff doodle all the time long time when in plane. In fact, Miyagi get hard doodle all the time here in spirit world. Also dead person, Anna Nicole Smith, suck Miyagi sans doodle long time just the other day and chug the lot. She rotten though. Miyagi close eye and think of Carrie Fisher instead. Miyagi sans pretty sure God not like sexy time here in spirit world but he never find out. Stupid non-existing beardy cunt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

But my favourite Brown Jon sans post is when he say he hate people who think Samuel Chocolate L Jackson is cool dude. Miyagi couldn’t agree more. He a fucky twat. He ruin Phantom Menace which Miyagi pull his doodle over. Mintos movie time! Miyagi not wacist you understand, but if I have to hear Sam Caramel Jackson say “Motherfucky snake on Motherfucky plane” one more time, I fucking kick his stupid Kangol hat right off stupid cool head.

So, I like Jon Brown sans. He funny white man. Not like the grumpy, luckless shitheads that run this site. Leave alone dickyheads or I come down and fuck your mothers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Why Is Jon Brown Such A Massive Cunt?

2007-10-21T15:44:00.000+01:00

If you're wondering who this cunt is I wouldn't be at all surprised. Now, this monumental cunt has nothing to do with films. In fact he is a "comedy writer". Or so he says. Let me just put this straight by saying he is nothing of the sort. By their very nature, "comedy writers" have to write funny material. That's the way comedy works you see. You write something funny and hopefully people will laugh at said material. This prick is quite possibly the unfunniest person on the entire interweb. Have a look at his site if you don't believe me. Its wank. Really wank. I know, I know, we sometimes post stuff like 'THE JEAN CLAUDE CANNED HAM' because we may have run out of ideas that particular week but believe me when I say the 'THE JEAN CLAUDE CANNED HAM' is comedy gold akin to Monty Python compared to the shit this cunt puts on his blog. I tried putting a few comments on a post of his that basically came down to "YOU ARE A MASSIVE, MASSIVE CUNT AND ARE ABOUT AS FUNNY AS THE BAD AIDS!" but apparently he disagreed and banned all further comments apart from "team members". His friends basically.

Now, if it's not bad enough that this cunt is a cunt, he likes to brag about how he has written for the BBC. Fine you might say until you find out that he wrote an episode of TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS which just happens to be the worst program on TV let alone the worst "comedy" on TV. It's worse than CELEBRITIES DANCING ON ICE AND EATING KANGAROO TESTICLES. Why on Earth he would brag about this is quite beyond me. IT'S FUCKING SHIT, NOT FUNNY AND ANYONE WHO WRITES FOR IT IS A SPECTACULAR CUNT. This is what he says about himself on his pile of shit site:

I'm a young comedy writer from Northampton. Three things you need to know: 1) I was recently nominated as one of Broadcast Magazine's 'Hot-Shots' for 2007. 2) In 2004, I finished runner-up in the BBC's highly prestigious Talent scheme. 3) My credits include After You've Gone, We Are Mongrels, Two Pints, Scallywagga, No Heroics, The Milk Run and My Hero.

HA HA HA HA HA HA. The only funny thing this cunt has written seems to be his profile. Highly prestigious? Don't be such a wanker. Runner up? No shit you fucking bell-end. He fucking loves himself this cunt. He has recently amended his profile as before he mentioned that he wrote something for HEAT magazine. So, he's gay as well then. PRICK. This is him.

He looks like a fucking cunt as well.

Who's Your Farkin' Daddy Now, My Son!

2007-10-16T20:57:00.000+01:00

Love a duck an’ all that, you caaaahnts, it’s Mystic Review Pizza giving you the farkin’ update an’ that on this ‘ere interwebsite bollicks. You might be wonderin’ why there ain’ been any totally unfunny posts made in, like, a farkin’ week an’ that. Well, it turns out those two uphill botanists only went an’ pissed orf a load a those filmmaker cahnts for good. Yeah, they pulled their final straw and Brett Ratner, Len Wiseman and farkin’ George “Belly for a chin” Lucas decided to put an end to ‘em. Yer see, they found out where those cahnts lived and paid ‘em a visit. Don’t ask me how they found out, like, I CERTAINLY wouldn’t ‘ave passed on their particulars for a donkey and the Sweeney box-set, you understand.

And now, those two cahnts are on the run, like me best mucka, Dr Bruce Banner. Hang on, Bruce is a bit of an air-hostesses name, innit? Although, I wouldn’t farkin’ say it to ‘im. Last time somebody knocked over his pint in the Wop & Kike down Old Kent Road, he went proper Al Garve on his mush an’ the guy was in Casualty for a farkin’ week. And not the farkin’ popular mum’s-tv drama, if you know wor I mean! So while they’re peggin’ it roun’ these fair isles, hiding from some directors wiv a fucking vengeance, I promised I’d look after this site. Dunno how long they’ll be gone, probably just till I get bored of looking into the future an’ that for you lazy cahnts.

Anyway, I thought I’d start with somefin a bit topical an’ look into the future for spooky films wot ain’ been made yet. It’s farkin’ Halloween soon and if there’s one fing me and the boys from dis site love more than their own farkin’ muvvas, it’s farkin’ Halloween. It’s the only time of the year me and the kids get to walk the streets without ‘avin’ the piss ripped for looking like fucking Italian bread-based food-stuffs. I make the missus stay in wiv a sawn-off in case any of those cahnt kids come round askin’ for sweets an’ that. Get a farkin’ job, you lazy cahnts!

So wiv a new SAW film out at the mo, I thought I’d look waaaaaay into da future and tell you what the crack is wiv some of the sequels. And I looked waaaaay into da farkin’ future, you know? I used up all my farkin’ prophetic skills to see at least THREE WHOLE YEARS into da future. And what’d I see? They’ve only gone and made SAW 24! Yeah, who knew you could make seven SAW films a year, eh? Not farkin’ me, that’s for sure!Anyway, I’ll list some of the excitin’ and cahnterific torture scenes that get used in this film. They ain’t pretty, so if you’re a bit of a farkin’ interior designer and that, you better just look away.

An old man is forced to watch ARE WE DONE YET 14 on a loop until he saws his own nadgers off with a plastic spoon. He farkin’ does it after 20 minutes.
A young white girl is raped to death by a big black bear. That one doesn’t really seem relevant to the plot…
A chinee fella has cattle prods rammed up his arse and electrocuted until he shits his colon out of his jap’s eye. I proper loved it when he screamed, “Aiiii! My gametes!” and spunked his organs up the wall.
A scrawny looking studenty type has rusty razor blades shoved down his throats and then is forced to go on the waltzers till he coughs up his lungs. Actually, fark, that’s not in the film, that’s what me an’ Davey from the offie did last weekend.
A monkey is force-fed Eastern European-grade cocaine and then a young girl of eight is forced to wank ‘im orf and drink the lot. They did this in SAW 19, but it was so good, they did it again!
A poor, sympathetic young man is forced to write the screenplay for STAR WARS VII, VIII and IX whilst a dozen sociopathic nerds look over his shoulder and make comments. ‘ORRIBLE!
Jade Goody must eat every contestant of BIG BROTHER 20 without any cutlery or stove. She does the farkin’ lot and even finishes off with a Davina sarnie at the end! Filmic gold, that one!
A poor elderly bird is gang-raped by eighteen killer whales whilst singing the entire catalogue of S CLUB 7. TERRIFYIN’!

I could go on, but I don’t want to spoil the fun for you. That DasBrummie cahnt says these films are “exploitational torture-porn garbage with plots so generic even a fucking half-wit could write them” but what the fark does he know? He has a farkin’ emo haircunt, wears a scarf and reads ‘Arold Pinter, the feckless posh twat! I ‘eard he once made a disparaging remark about the farkin’ duke, Danny Dyer! It’s only cos my parole officer made me register wiv these cahnts that I put up with it…

Anyway, I’ll be back a lot more than those lazy cahnts over the next few weeks, so stay tuned for more reviews from the future, cockney-based comedy and a right old cheeky barrel of southern monkey fun. Here’s hoping those two arse-masters get shot into the farkin’ sun by them directors for bein’ such negative bell-ends. I’m farkin’ hopin’, that’s for sure! So, for now, SHAZAM, YOU CAAAAAHNTS!

Yet Another Celebrity Product

2007-10-03T21:39:00.000+01:00

Alright, alright. This is shit. Really shit. Why don't you try coming up with this crap every week. It's not fucking easy you know. In fact, why don't you all just go fuck your mothers!

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

2007-10-02T22:20:00.000+01:00

SEVEN (1995)

Pointwess Fucky Remake: Mr Miyagi Not Happy Long Time

2007-10-02T21:22:00.000+01:00

Fucky hell! It’s me again, Mr Miyagi speaking from spirit world to tell you something I not believe in maaaaaany year. I sit on my cloud the other day trying to catch fly with chopstick for fucking change when my other also dead friend, River Phoenix, come up to me, out of his fucking tree, ranting about scaaaaary tale from the world of living peeps. Apparently, some chocolate coloured man called Will Smith is to produce remake of my film, THE KARATE KID. I say to River “Get fuck out of town! You shit me why not!” River say this true and I ponder for maaaaany hours.

After five seconds of pondering, Miyagi think to himself.

“WHAT SAY FUCK CHOCOLATE MAN MAKE FILM ABOUT MIGHTY MIYAGI AND STUPID LITTLE WHITE BOY THAT I TRAIN FOR FUCKING AGE TO BECOME STRONG LIKE OX ONLY TO BECOME TOTAL WHINY CUNT”

Miyagi react quite badly to this but River sans explain to me who Will Smith is. This not help. Especially when I find out Will sans be putting his mini chocolate son sans in film.

“SAY WHAT FUCK WHY NOT! KARATE KID NOT BROWN. HE FUCKY SHOULD BE YELLOW BUT RALPH MACCHIO NOT HAVE LIVER DISEASE FROM BOOZY LOVE WHEN MAKE FILM. THAT LATER WHEN HE WASH UP MOTHERFUCK”

Miyagi not racist you understand. Miyagi just not understand why remake film that veeeeeerrry perfect in first place. Miyagi calm down until River sans go on to explain who will play your yellow pal from beyond grave, Mr Miyagi.

“BONSAI FUCKY CHOPSTICK MOTHERFUCKING CHRIS TUCKER RUVVER! HOW FUCKY DARE WILL CHOCOLATE MARMITE MAN SANS GET STUPID PWICK JACKIE CHAN SANS TO PLAY MIYAGI. I FUCKING KILL ALL INVOLVED WITH REMAKE BY DEPLOYING PRAYING MANTIS FUCK OVER MOVE.”

Miyagi steamy hot mad after all this news. I’m thinkng I visit living world and have word with Will Smith and tell him to get fucking gwip and make original film. And I don’t mean THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS 2: MILK TRAY. What fuck with all remake in Hollywoodland? Stupid pwicks.

Anyway, When KARATE KID remake come out, I shall visit you again to review it for two childish pwicks that make this intersite but until then I stay on my fucking cloud trying to calm down while trying to catch fucking fly with chopstick. For fucking change.

Topical Celebrity Movie Poster!

2007-10-02T19:30:00.000+01:00

From the creators of ALIEN VS PREDATOR, FREDDY VS JASON and KRAMER VS KRAMER, comes a filmic event to rival any you have ever seen before!

They fight! They cook! They fight! They cook! They enigmatically pose on battle-scarred cliff-tops with large penis-replacement firearms! They cook! They fight! They speak in the worst made-up accent ever recorded! They fight! They cook!

All this and more coming to a cinema near you Summer of 2009! Directed by Uwe Boll! Starring Gerard Depardieu as Lloyd Grossman! And Jessica Alba as Master Chief! And Jack Black as Talky-Talky Funnyman!

The In-The-Closet-Hobbits: Chapter One

2007-09-30T17:31:00.000+01:00

Two Angry Men Fucking Horses

2007-09-29T14:37:00.000+01:00

I would just like to say, YOU ARE ALL DEVIANTS. Seriously, every single one of you out there in Interwebland is a fucking wrong un and no mistake. You're sick in the head and need to be put down. I bet you are all reading this while being sucked off by a quadriplegic AIDS-ridden fourteen-year-old African boy, aren't you? Whilst raping a cat with a tazer. The only person in the entire history of interweb usage who has never ever looked at porn is my mum. I now know this for a fact.

To demonstrate my point, here is a list of EVERY search engine referral we have registered in the last 100 posts alone. If we weren't so tight as to pay for Sitemeter, I could show you DIRTY SEX PEOPLE the kind of filth we get on a daily basis.

watch big cocks fuck the shit out of women rough
two men fucking a women at the same time
pic of big bellied men
a women and two men fucking
two men force girl to fuck
two men fucking so young girl

I realise now that having the word "Two men" in our title was a mistake. It could only have been worse if we'd called ourselves "Two Angry Cunts" (And on a side-note, I've seen FAR more than two angry cunts in my time). I realise that all the swearing is possibly just encouraging you sick perverted weirdos. What I didn't realise was the sheer volume of people looking for cockney porn - "Two men farking each other" - or that we would be so popular in this scene. In fact, for all of those searches above, we're at least on the first page.

And so I am resigned to my fate. We are going to be read only be fucking interspazz wank jockeys who need a quick five minute relief over a picture of Owen Wilson with a cock nose. So, I reckon, why not capitalise on this market? Everybody knows porn runs the world. Why not get a bit of the tall porn dollar? And in order to boost our hits on as many search engines as possible, I will now make a list of key-words I think you ONE-HANDED MAN-MAYONNAISE MONKEYS will be looking for.

two men fucking a horse
a horse fucking two men whilst being sucked off by a cockney
a cockney sucking off two horses while two men watch
Owen Wilson sucking off a cockney horse
Ski Sunday
young cockney girls petting otters
cockney otters rucking two young girls
men riding horses with otters
horses riding men
two women munching horse jizz
two otters sucking off cockneys
scousers touching otters without consent
a horse being rode by Owen Wilson
John Hannah sucking off Owen Wilson for a tenner
Owen Wilson forcing two scousers to suck off a cockney
Owen Wilson forcing me to watch Wedding Crashers
John Cleese choking on otter cum
two men riding John Cleese into battle like that white horse out of lord of the rings
two otters riding another otter, but in a dirty way, like
two young girls taking it up the gary
two young girls being done for fun up the bum
two young girls doing normal things like playing with their hair and dress-up and that and not doing anything dirty
a man just fucking a woman
two men farkin a pony
a pony farkin two men whilst John Cleese watches
a fat man farkin another fat man
a reeeeeally fat man sucking off Owen Wilson on the set of Wedding Crashers 2
Wedding Crashers 2

And finally...

sex fuck arse tits cum jizz spunk fanny clunge dick cock minge shag pussy labia.

Right, that should about cover it. We'll be on 20,000 hits this time tomorrow, I'm CERTAIN of it.

Two Angry Men Casting Couch: Justice League #2

2007-09-26T21:05:00.000+01:00

Green Lantern - like a jedi, but with a gay-ass ring on and an even more camp lime green body-costume. There have been many Green Lanterns - Alan Scott, Hal Jordan, Jon Stewart, Guy Gardner, Simon, Garfunkel, Hall, Oates and Kyle Raynor. The most popular being the UTTERLY shit-house Hal Jordan, a pilot who flies planes and killed a lot of people one time by accident. They fly around the galaxy sorting out problems and answering to funny little blue men in dresses. SHIIIIIT-house. He only justifies his place in the Justice League a little more than Aquaman because he is armed with the most powerful weapon in the universe. And they made it into a ring? Couldn't they make it into a manly-looking belt or even a lovely man-bag? A RING, THOUGH?

Anyway, who better to play Green Lantern than Ralf Little, star of THE ROYLE FAMILY and TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS, PLEASE? For those of you reading in America, just imagine I (very poorly) photoshopped a picture of that cunt Topher Grace instead. Ralf Little has all the gravitas that you would need to bring to the role of a intergalactic police-officer with amazing powers. I mean, if they'd let that cunt Hayden Christensen play one, they'll let any fucker play one!

Anyway, Green Lantern's role in any Justice League film will be largely to stand in the background and find a personality. He will never find this personality as his personality solely consists of being an intergalactic policeman with a power ring... Shit, sorry, that's his origin, not his personality. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE. In fact, I'd be shocked if they even included him, so shit is the character. Did you know they wanted to make a movie based on him and they only way they could do that was to play it as a comedy and get Jack Black in. So what better way to do Jack Black on the cheap than get some crap "comedy" actor from some UTTERLY TERRIBLE UK comedy show. He can take the piss out of everybody - and when your team consists of people like Aquaman and >snigger< Martian Manhunter, you've got plenty of opportunity.

Mr Miyagi Tell Tale Of Spirit World Movie Party

2007-09-25T21:54:00.000+01:00

Bonsai! Hey friend, it’s me Mr Miyagi again. The two ninja sans that run Two Angwy Men asked me to tell more tale from beyond grave. Mr Miyagi very proud to be able to tell you many fan what it like to be dead. After telling very looooong tale about Karate Kid, I wonder what things to enlighten fans with. I come up with a verrrrrrry funny story about dinner party I had just other week with maaaaaany dead famous people here in spirit world. Prepare many fans for tale of wonder.

Miyagi turn up at also dead man River Pheonix house at awound 8pm. River sans open heavenly door and look like he try catch wwwwwwway too many flie with chopstick. He arseholed. Goofballs Miyagi thinks. I enter to find other dead actor John Candy eating many a large hamburger in a puddle of own shit. At this point, Miyagi find spirit world celebrity house party many levels of wank until knock at door. In come Freddy Mercury. Miyagi wonder what massive crunchie muncher do at movie party but River Pheonix tell me he do soundtrack to gay 80’s Flash Gordon. Wax on! Next, Miyagi sitting down drinking his tea when Christopher Reeve turn up. Miyagi verrrrrrrry excited about this until Reeve sans turn up in fucking wheelchair.

“Reeve san! Where fucking cape and shorts? You fly why not? I enjoy Supersan 4 verrrrry much. You not make happy Mr Miyagi with cripple stuff. WAX OFF!”

After Miyagi say this Reeve san cry like little bitch and say he wish Margot Kidder was here in spirit world to cry on little mad womans shoulder.

“No worry Supersan! Margot be here in short time. She fucking suicidal cwazy bitch long time!”

I think that finish Supersan off. He spit out straw from mouth and wheelchair stop. Miyagi laugh. Ha ha ha! Silly white man thinking he could ride horse let alone fly. Miyagi burn Supersan boxset after.

Later, River sans ply Miyagi with maaaaaany goofballs and Um-Bongo and before I know it, I am in brothel with Chris Farley san, Don Simpson san, Fatty Padeophile Arbuckle san, Charlie Paedophile Chaplin san, Steve McQueen san, John Belushi san, Ted Bundy san, Jeffrey Dahmer san, John Gay Wayne san, Bruce Lee and Bruce Lee's son san, Brandon. Brandon verrrrrrry stupid man and get killed acting in Alex Proyas film. What fuck????????

Needless to say, 14 hours later, Miyagi wish he were in hell let alone spirit world. All movie man up here total shithead. Miyagi have head like storm and arsehole like Courtney Love. Me not sure when I can report back from spirit world again. Not long time me hope.

BONSAI!

Two Angry Men Casting Couch: Justice League

2007-09-25T20:47:00.000+01:00

AQUAMAN
Arthur Curry, half human, half fishman, all shit. His amazing abilities include being able to swim, but reeeeeelly fast. He can also talk to fish. "Hello my fishy brethren, I am seeking the hidden lair of Black Manta. Can you help me?" "Swim, shit, swim, shit, eeek! Human! Human! Swim away! (Shit!) Swim away!" "Come back! Come back, you fucking useless animal!" He is also King of the underwater city of Atlantis - a city so shit we let it sink into the ocean. And who else could play such a legendary character than...

Yes, Ross Kemp! Star of EASTENDERS, EXTRAS and the televisual epic that is ULTIMATE FORCE. I have the box-set. Every series. Seriously. If you're American and don't know who Ross Kemp is, he's the alleged hardman that is scared shitless of Vinnie Jones in the first series of EXTRAS. Also better known for being faux hardman PhilGrant Mitchell in long-running depress-a-thon soap-suicide-pra EASTENDERS. As one of UK TV's most well-known crap scary thugs, he obviously would be excellent to play little-known crap scary superhero Aquaman.

As well as carrying on the tradition that Jason LEGEND Statham and Vinnie CUNT Jones started off of English faux-gangsters playing shitty second-rate roles to crap American actors, Ross could also bring a certain amount of gravitas to the role of a king. As The Guv'nor of The Queen Vic pub, he has experience of keeping a rowdy bunch of perma-drinkers. Plus, if anyone could stand up to Batman, it's faaarkin' Ross Kemp! "Oi, Batman! NOOOO! You might think you're the fucking daddy of loomin' on gargoyles and talking like farkin' Pat Butcher, but the farkin' seven seas are my manor, mush!" And if Jessica Biel turns down the Wonder Woman role, then they could always ask Barbara Windsor.

TOMORROW - GREEN LANTERN!

BREAKING NEWS! Mystic Pizza Arrested

2007-09-20T22:13:00.000+01:00

Farrrrrrrrrrkin 'ell mush. That's me, your old mucker Mystic in that mugshot. Banged up like some fackin' criminal or sumfin'. Wot for? Well, I had just spent the afternoon lookin' waaaaaaaay in to the farkin' future to review SPIDER-MAN 4 and it made me so fackin' agro that I went dahnstairs and gave the missus a good fackin' slap abaht. Nuffin' unusual there you might say. Anyway, I goes dahn me local after to get fackin' shit faced with me pals like and the fackin' fuzz turn up arahnd closin' time and put me in farrrrrkin' 'andcuffs. Apparently, my beloved grassed me right up. Domestic fackin' abuse she calls it. FARRRRRRK ORF! I get shoved in the old meat wagon and formally charged. Fack me mush. Wot's the big farkin' deal? I give Barbara a pasting every fackin' night and she's never pissed and moaned before. Fackin' women eh. Can't live wiv 'em, can't kick the shit aht of 'em. I tried to explain to the rozzers that I'm a highly respected reviewer of films on this site so they logged on to check me story and guess wot? The cahnts charge me wiv breachin' the obscene publications act an' 'all. I'm fackin' fuming mush I tells ya. I'm gonna be put in front of some paedo judge in the mornin' and I tell you anover thing, when I get 'aht, Barbara is gonna get the kicking of a fackin' lifetime. GRASS CAHNT!

Kazzam!

AIN'T IT PATRICIA NEWS!!!!

2007-09-20T19:12:00.000+01:00

OMGZZZZOOOOOR! It's me, Patricia Jones, muchly wife of Harry Knowles! Yes, Harry Knowles who run heap-um big website, Ain't It Sweet News!!! Can you BELIEVES IT? I "knowles" I can't!!!!11 Well, after we marry long time, I tell my concubine, Harry Bear, that I want more input in suuuuuper-big website. He tell me woman's place in kitchen or bedroom. I not understand why I need be in bedroom as Harry's cock was eated by belly like Sarlacc pit-monster many moons ago. He make me look for his diddly-widdly once and I lose my grandfather's watch in the folds. It never appear again.

So I go to second best option - Two Bitter Old Men!!!! My girlfriends tell me this much big website and I love it long time! I read it and not entirely sure what it all means. What is "cunt"????? I ask Harry friends and they snicker. They smell like BO and TV dinners and sweat meat paste from their five-heads. They never know sweet 10 dollah love that me and Harry Bushka know. They never know TRUE LOVE like ours... Unless they can raise USD$10,000 and provide air-fare from Taiwan.

And now, whenever I have newz of film or something which I love you long time to see, I will be posting here on Two Depressed Men!!!!1111 They promised not to make fun of my poor Engrish skills and me very sure as I have read their posts. Everyone know "fucking" not spelt with an "a", you crazy lady men! I shoot you with ping-pong balls from my noo-noo if you do make fun of me! I am lethal. Men of Ho-Sing-Po-Na-Na-Fu-Wang-Chan Social Workers Club in Thai province of SuSuSuddio say I most lethal at art of ping-pong-fanny-gone. Ancient artform, like topiary or beat-boxing.

Anywayz, I bring you exciting news of SEX AND A CITY film!!!!11 Me and my girlfriends from the All Over Tanning And Massage Parlour love this film MUCH LONG TIME! We see every episode twice and memorise all best lines for use on clients. One time, one of the clients tried to show me his doodle and I screamed like girly-boy! He explained it fine to show doodle in this country, it is welcoming. He says instead of shaking hands, you shake doodle. I shook his doodle for ten minutes, so I must be very welcome! Back to point, silly lady-man! Anyway, SEX OF CITY film look very good! I cannot wait for it to come out and we can go watch it and sit in fancy bar and sip cocktails. Here in America, they even have bars where lady not shoot ping-pong ball from noo-noo!!! Can you believe it??? It's so true, I get thrown out of bar last weekend for trying to insert Bombay Mix into my lady tunnel!

Harry, he no likey SEX IN THE CITY film and think it poor poor custard. He not know anything, too busy rubbing his big belly and thinking bout touching Michael Bay on his doodle. He cry out his name in sleep. "Michael Bay, you make me feel like a natural woman!" he say. I know not what he talk about. I go see film with girlyfriends and report back here on Angry To Be Men website. I hope you come back for more reports!

Love you long time!!!!!

xxxx

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer To See

2007-09-18T22:55:00.000+01:00

SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006)

DEATHPROOF Review: Ten Things I Hate About Quentin

2007-09-18T11:27:00.000+01:00

So, I saw a completely legitimate and not even slightly illegal copy of DEATHPROOF last night. Crabman has already briefly mentioned how shit GRINDHOUSE was and wanted a second opinion on the theatrical release of Tarantino's half. Sometimes I disagree with him just because I'm a mardy cunt so he was a little concerned I'd like it. However, he couldn't be more wrong. If anything, I actually hate it MORE than he does.

Feet fetishes are weird - Look, Quentin, I can get behind people like Russ Meyer. Any man who doesn't like massive tits appearing in his films is a fucking weirdo. But obsessing over women's feet is just FUCKING WEIRD. They are ugly as sin. They look like mong hands. Even painted, they're ugly. And I bet they smell too. So, STOP FUCKING MAKING US LOOK AT FEET!
It's way too long - Most people thought it was too long and dull when it was only half a film, so now it's nearly half an hour longer and on it's own... Well, it's WWWWWWWWay too fucking long. And the amazing part about it all is that there is literally no plot here. A canny editor - either at the pre or post production stage - could cut this film down to 20 minutes long. There is literally that much actual material. So you're wondering what the remaining run-time is filled with. Well...
Fucking cameo-tastic cunt - Not only does Tarantino insist on appearing in this film as a cool barman in the coolest bar in the whole world... but he gives fucking Eli Roth a cameo too. WHAT A CUNT. In fact, Roth's role could be summed up as "cunt". He probably thought it was really funny that he was playing a cunt, which is some kind of double-double-double-irony squared. Because he really is a cunt. And can't act at all. I have no problem with Hitchcock-esque brief glimpses. Peter Jackson has got it down to a fine art. But when you start getting to M Night Shyamalan levels of self-insertion, well, just FUCK OFF.
The scratched film - Now, I wouldn't really have a problem with this normally. I don't mind creators filming in black and white nowadays. I loved THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE and GOOD NIGHT & GOOD LUCK. They looked good. So I have no problem with deliberately evoking a style from the past. And it looks very convincing during the first half. Admittedly, it's a bit disconcerting from time to time, but it works to make the film look old. Then, randomly, he just stops doing it halfway through. Did he get bored? Too lazy? Run out of money? I can't think of any stylistic reason why he would do it. Likewise, there's a pointless ten minute scene in the middle of the film that's black and white for no reason. Seriously, what the fuck?
Girl talk - Oh my god, I could write 10,000 words on this very easily. I could write an entire blog just based on some of the conversation pieces Tarantino wrote into this film. What's more likely is I will scrawl it in the blood of dead prostitutes across my bedroom wall shortly before I'm thrown into Arkham Asylum. Because, OH MY GOD, is it pointless. I'm not the kind of person who just wants to cut to the killing and car chases - I've loved some of Tarantino's dialogue in the past. But this is so masturbatory, it's not even funny. Not only that, 90% of it has ABSOLUTELY NO RELEVANCE to the plot whatsoever. It's not even giving you an insight into the characters, it's just Tarantino showing how cool and clever he is. There is a full 45 cunting minutes of girl talk before Kurt Russell even turns up. It's a fucking exploitation slasher film, you UTTER utter cunt!
Zoe Bell is totally out of place - Aside from the fact it's so fucking - and oh god, I'm going to say the word again - masturbatory to include his stuntwoman as... a stuntwoman in his film, she is VERY wrong here. I'm sure her understated, naturalistic style of acting would work with a more documentarian style, but in this world of ultra-stylised acting and dialogue, she feels wrong. She feels like she's walked into the wrong film. Actually, I'm being nice to her, her acting is a bit shit. All this talk of, "Ooh, she's a potential action movie star of the future" is utter wank. She is a stuntwoman and a very good one. That is all. Cunts.
Women are best, men suck balls - The only guys who appear in this film are either (a) Tarantino himself (b) Utter misogynist cunts or (c) A fucking weird shop clerk sequence. I mean, seriously, why doesn't Tarantino follow "Lana" Wachowski into ladyboy's-ville? It was fun and quirky when he played on women protagonists in JACKIE BROWN, was a little obvious in KILL BILL and now it's just fucking tedious. I'm going to spoil the second half of the film now - IT WAS SHIT. OK, that's not a spoiler. What actually happens halfway through is the hunter becomes the hunted. And it is the least convincing plot twist I have ever seen. The hard-as-nails, psychopathic serial killing stuntman gets a minor flesh wound and becomes a whining, sissy who runs away and is scared shitless of a bunch of whiny bitches. Likewise, the bunch of fashion model-looking bitches suddenly turn into death-hungry killers who don't mind beating a man to death in the street. If somebody had actually read this script before shooting, they might have been able to point out how FUCKING STUPID it was.
Totally pointless scenes - Seriously, there are literally a dozen scenes in this film which I retrospectively realised served NO purpose at all. When you're watching them, you think, "Right, there must be some reason why we get these loving close-ups of a girl sending a text message." But OH NO, they have literally no point at all. You never even meet the cunt who she's texting. And that's not even the worst offender. Pretty much any scene with girls chatting is pointless. UTTERLY pointless. But the entire film is RIDDLED with scenes that go nowhere and prove only to pad out the running time. The worst offender is the scene in the middle where the Sheriff turns up, explains he knows what Stuntman Mike is up to and then says he's going to do fuck-all about it. WHAT? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? Are we going to have the cleaner wander on and tell us he's not interested in catching him either? I know it's just so Tarantino can do That Cameo again, but it's still pointless. And then the stuff that really should get followed-up never even see a mention.
The ending - The only reason I don't hate the ending of this film is because it meant the film was FINALLY FUCKING OVER. But seriously, when "The End" comes up on-screen, if you aren't utterly fucking surprised I will eat my fucking hat. In fact, I'm tempted to ask my mate who works at a cinema to take a picture of the audience's faces at the exact second "The End" appears on screen. I imagine it will be very similar to that website featuring photos of people the first time they see Goatse...
The car bits aren't even that good - Seriously. There's not really any car bits until the very end. And they basically entail two cars driving down a road nudging each other. And then nudging a bit more. And also, all the characters in these films drive stupidly fashionable cars. Nobody has a Vauxhall Nova. But the most exciting part of the whole thing is Zoe Bell hanging onto a car bonnet whilst being attacked by Stuntman Mike. And after ten minutes of her swinging around and shrieking, you kinda get bored. And whilst I kinda agree with the character's (And obviously Tarantino's) views that practical stuntwork will always be better than CG, there is a middle-ground. The big rig chase along a bridge in BAD BOYS II is a perfect example of merging CG and practical. So fuck off, you outmoded cunt.

That is only the first ten things that came to my mind when typing. I could probably write you another ten quite easily. You might notice I don't mention Kurt Russell that much, because he's the only thing of worth in the first half of the film. Kurt Russell is a legend. That goes to shit in the second half however. You might also notice that there's not actually that much humour in this post. That's because I was SO fucking furious about how shit this film was that I can't even laugh about it. Do not, on pain of death, pay good money to go see this bag of shit. And if you have seen it and enjoyed it, I would really like to hear from you. After you convince your warden to give you some paper and crayons and loosen your straps.

My Top Five Comedy Films

2007-09-17T21:08:00.000+01:00

PHILADELPHIA

Very funny film. In this film, Jack Black plays a man who gets the bad AIDS. Denzel Washington really steps outside of his zone of comfort and plays his over-the-top effeminate life partner. And they live in Philadelphia. The bit where Jack Black accidentally spits in his mum's tea and then has to get it back before she catches the AIDS from it is a work of comedy genius. I'm not sure there was really a strong message about the dangers of unprotected sex or dirty needles, because I was laughing so hard throughout. And I, being someone who would put my cock in the crack of dawn given half a chance, should really have been paying more attention to the inner message. That debiliatating fatal illness can be funny too. Come on, cheer up, you miserable cunts!
SCHINDLER'S LIST
Apparently Oscar Schindler has a list. And let me tell you, that list is FUNNY AS FUCK. I mean, have you heard some of those crazy jewish names? I personally thought a film that featured a man reading a list of names for two hours and then there was half an hour of gassings wouldn't be funny, but I was VERY wrong. The shower sequence was not only funny, but had the most amount of killings I've ever seen on screen. More than RAMBO? More than TERMINATOR? More than BEACHES? It is CHOCK-FULL of killings. The script was a bit far-fetched though. I mean, what, some mentalist decides to gas a load of people because they like skull caps? As if!
RAY
I thought the he-can't-see-very-well comedy vein topped out with the hilarious Lesley Nielsen starrer MR MAGOO, but I was very wrong! This Jamie Foxxxxxx starring blind-as-a-fucking-bat humour-fest was hilarious from start to finish. Not only was it funny because he couldn't see a fucking thing, but he's black as well. You see, because Black People Are Inherently Imbued With Comedy. The Benny Hill-esque sex caper that ensues had me in stitches. I particularly loved the montage of "I'm so sorry, darling, I'm blind and didn't mean to put it up your shitter". How many times did that poor man accidentally kick in some woman's back-door? Oh, the humour. Not so sure about the bit with the kid drowning in a bucket. Not very funny, that.
RAIN MAN

Oh my god, soooooo funny. That crazy loon talked more shit than Jim Carrey in ACE VENTURA, ACE VENTURA:WHEN NATURE CALLS, DUMB & DUMBER and I'M A MASSIVE CUNT. This guy looks like it almost comes naturally, but I know he just must be a mintos actor. I was a bit confused as to how Chris Tucker could be Tom Cruise's brother, but I just went with the comedy of it. I also love all the catchphrases they created and repeat them all the time. Sometimes people look at me a bit funny, but I tell them to watch this film and they'll understand. They never get back to me so I can assume they died laughing.
SCARY MOVIE 4
Actually, this wasn't that funny. It was just a bit cunty. Sorry.

Why Is Owen Wilson Such A Massive Cunt?

2007-09-17T20:02:00.000+01:00

Wondered this recently? Well, I fucking have. In fact, that question keeps me up most nights and just so I can sleep tonight I’m going to cathartically list the reasons why I think Owen Wilson is such a massive cunt. Interested? Come on peeps, let’s out this fucker for the massive cunt that he is.

Shanghai Fucking Noon

I mean, really. What the fuck was all that about? I’d love to meet the studio executive that greenlit that piece of shit. What on earth made anybody think that what the moviegoing public really needed was a staggeringly unfunny comedy/western movie pairing Jackie Too Old For This shit Chan and our cunt Wilson. For starters, How the fuck did a Chinese martial artist end up looking for a kidnapped princess in the wild west? How fucking stupid is that? And, I’m sorry, but you could be Bruce fucking Lee for all I care but it only takes one bullet to the head and you're fucked. A bit like that fancy swordsman in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Wank. And then we have Owen I Will Appear In Literally Any Old Wank If The Pay Is Right Wilson. Acting like a cunt. For a change. I was led to believe that SHANGHAI NOON was an action/comedy/western. It isn’t. It is a FUCKING/PILE/OF/SHIT. If that film wasn’t bad enough, the cunts went and made a sequel, SHANGHAI KNIGHTS, of which I have not seen because, frankly, life is just too fucking short. Anybody reading this who actually enjoyed either of those two films please feel free to do the following...

Attempt Suicide

Actually, don’t attempt it. Blow your fucking brains out, you morons. Which brings me nicely to Mr Wilson’s recent suicide bid. Now, before you start, I truly feel for anyone that decides that they can’t go on with life anymore whether that be due to severe depression, loss of a loved one or just that they’re completely fucking mental. However, I couldn’t give a flying rats cunt about a multi millionaire playboy Hollywood actor who decided that life was just too unfair and he couldn’t go on because... of a fucking bird. That’s right, Owen Wilson tried to take his life over Kate Bland-As-Fuck Hudson. I can’t for the life of me think why. She hasn’t even got any fucking tits for a start. “Oh boo hoo, Kate dumped me and I can’t cope anymore. Life is shit. Boo hoo hoo. And Steve Coogan's coming round in a bit. WAAAAHHHHHHHH! And....and, I get paid $20 million a *sniff* film and my mansion is *sniff* fucking enormous. I want to FUCKING DIE!” Funny that, Owen, I want you to fucking die as well and I’m pretty sure that Kate Hudson deffo won’t want you back now you SNIVELLING, UNGRATEFUL, TWAT CLANGER! Get a fucking grip.

His Nose Looks Like A Bellend

Look at it! It’s fucking hideous. Now, I’m well aware that the shape of one's nose does not necessarily make them a cunt but JUST LOOK AT IT! He’s fucking minted, why doesn’t he get that fucking abomination fixed. I also don’t understand why he’s such a heart-throb either. I’m pretty sure that if I had a nose that looked like a massive cock, all the money in the world wouldn’t get me laid so how the fuck does he manage it? “He’s’ reeeaaallly funny and charismatic" No. He. Isn’t. STUPID SUICIDAL COCK NOSE CUNT!

The Wedding Crashers

I should have made this a double post to include Vince Annoying Nasally Voiced Cunt Vaughn as well. Again, I was under the impression that THE WEDDING CRASHERS was a comedy. I counted two chuckles which is not indicative of a “comedy”. I laughed more times during LEAVING LAS VEGAS for fucks sake. It’s just another one of those shitty frat-pack films that was nothing more than an outlet for Owen and Vaughn to give each other reach-arounds onscreen “How fucking funny are we man?” Erm, about as funny as Hurricane Katrina, lads. They make me want to puke, the intolerably smug rim-jimmys.

He Has The Acting Range Of A Fucking Aubergine

Owen Wilson plays the same fucking character in every film. Owen Wilson. If there is ever a need for a slightly oddball, stoner wise-arse with a nose that looks like a cock you can be sure that he will get the part. He has become tedious to the extreme and I want him to STOP. I would like to see him stretch his acting abilities by taking the lead in something like SCHINDLERS LIST. Can you imagine? No, I can’t either.

“Woah dude! The Holocaust is, like, heavy man.”

Fucking dreadful. How many more scripts exist that call for annoyingly laid back arseholes like Wilson. Fucking shitloads probably which makes me want to attempt, nay, succeed at suicide. So, Owen, if you’re reading this please either:

a) Stop acting
b) Get a nose job or
c) Blow your fucking brains out.

Mr Miyagi Tells Tale From Beyond Grave

2007-09-13T18:10:00.000+01:00

Bonsai! Hey friend, it’s me, Mr Miyagi. Remember me? Sure you do. Let’s talk why not. As you probably know, I’m dead, but I speak good English from beyond grave to tell you tale. You see friend, when I make THE KARATE KID back in crazy 80’s, I leave out maaaaaany important lessons on how to become one with karate. My young apprentice, Daniel san, not only wash car and paint fence, he did maaaaannny other things in order to become ultimate fighter, things that we could not show in family film but I return from grave to tell tale. Wax on!

"This is Daniel san standing on street selling Big Issue. He piss and whinge when I tell him to stand in centre of Glasgow for 14 hours selling mag. He say what the fuck got to do with becoming great warrior. I say it verrrrrry dangerous in Scotland but make him strong like ox and he believe me. Ha ha ha! Wax off!"

"This is Daniel san collecting shit from elephant bum at local zoo. He there all week collecting shit in bag. He moan a lot and say that I take piss out of him but I say NO, DANIEL SAN! Collect shit from elephant bum to find inner peace and become harder than Bruce Lee. Zoo pay him fuck all for collecting shit all day. Daniel san starting to mistrust Mr Miyagi that week"

"This is Daniel san at BT call center. He not love this long time. He say everyone shithead and hours verrrrrrry long. Also, boss is complete wanker. I say to Daniel san that ten weeks there and he will be wise enough to defeat Cobra Kai Sensei. He not believe me and say that I am ripping piss out of him and that he doesn't see any wages from call center. I say that money make you weak and black of heart. He believe me and I spend money on more bonsai. Ha ha ha! Brush up!

"This is Daniel san working at colonic irrigation clinic. You can see he not at all happy in this photo as he had just worked a 13 hour shift blowing shit out of peoples bums with hose. He say after shift why all the shit jobs. Literally. He say he can't cope anymore and that he having suicidal thoughts. Life not worth living. He whiny cunt. I tell him that by cleansing people's bums he will cleanse his soul and have the courage to conquer any foe that cross his path. He believe me and I laugh hard. Ha ha ha. He get paid well for bum cleaning but I give him fuck all. In fact, Miyagi get him to suck shit out of own bum as well. Black bean bubbly style. Brush down!"

For Daniel san's last week of training I have him sell his little white arse on streets of Amsterdam for $5 a pop. He had enough by now and tell me to go fuck my mum. I say, DANIEL SAN! FOCUS! Learn many things from red light district you will. He keep argueing and telling me to fuck my mum. I insist by telling him that one week sucking off drug addicts and getting bum love off other men will make him able to catch flies with chopsticks. Lucky cunt did as well. Anyway, Miyagi needs to go back to the spirit world now but I hope you love this tale long time. I'm still laughing hard myself friend. Stupid skinny white boy. Ha ha ha ha!

BONSAI!

LOLMATTS: The Latest Craze!!!!111

2007-09-12T21:15:00.001+01:00

With the success of the stupidly gay Lolcats phenomenon, another Hollywood celebrity has decided to engage in his own particular brand of viral marketing. You see, his career is a bit skew-whiff at the moment and he's a bit desperate for any kind of attention. (Shut up, John Hannah! We'll get to you eventually). After the success of David "Will wank off goats for kit-kats" Hasselhoff's viral marketing campaign, another fat has-been has decided to cash in. Yes, welcome to Matt LeBlanc's LOLMATTS.

Go on, Matt! You can do it! We might all forget how much of a cunt you are!

Oh dear, didn't do too well there, did you, Matt? We might forget about this if...

Never mind, Matt. You were quite funny once. In that episode with the thing where you said something funny.

No, you were right all along. This is never going to work. Just go back to making shit TV programmes and opening shopping centres.

Reader Submission

2007-09-12T19:35:00.000+01:00

"While taking a well earned trip with the folks to glitzy Los Angeles this week, I noticed that the famous Hollywood sign has been changed and thought you might like a picture of it. Now, I'm from the good ole' state of Texas and I have to say I've never even heard of this Brett Ratner fella but he certainly seems unpopular around these here parts. Excuse the quality but I have a shit camera. If you use the photo, please credit me as Ray Cistbiggot. Yeee haaw!"

Thanks Ray. Any other readers that come across simliar Brett Ratner sign changing anomolies please feel free to email them in.

DasGeordie Simpsonized

2007-09-11T21:04:00.000+01:00

Crabman was slightly disgusted by the results of his Simpsonize Me picture. What I didn't want to tell him at the time (And because he's incommunicado tonight) was that it was actually ENTIRELY FACTUALLY ACCURATE. If there was a button on the Simpsonizer to add a "Mr Fat Cunt" t-shirt, it would be uncanny. So I thought I'd rub salt in his wounds just a little bit more by showing you my Simpsonized appearance.

I thought I'd produce some kind of chiselled supermodel adonis as I imagine I look like in real-life, but... Well... That guy looks like a bit of a cunt. Look at that stupid swoosh try-hard hair-cut. Look at his bumfluff masquerading as designer fluff that actually took him three weeks to grow. Look at his pencil thin figure with less fat on it than a butcher's pencil. If there was an "Add designer wanky clothing that costs too much" option on the Simpsonizer, I'm sure this cunt would cranked it up to 11.

I hope this has given you all a valuable insight into the interesting interplay between our two relative personalities that creates the unique Two Angry Men experience. Basically, Crabman is an old cunt and I'm a young cunt.

An Inspirational Movie Poster

2007-09-11T20:08:00.000+01:00

I did this all by myself. And the amazing thing is, I did it in fucking Windows Paint. Yes, I am a dab hand at clicking the button several times on tiny little pixels and cursing like a Polish sailor every three seconds. Was it worth the effort? I don't think so. But sometimes you have ideas you need to get out there into memespace to get your headmeat stirring. Or something.

I would have got Crabman to knock this up in 30 seconds with his amazing Photoshop skills but he's busy tonight. I promised I wouldn't say where he was. I really did. Despite his wife BEGGING me to tell you. But I can't. It would be a betrayal of our sacred bond of angriness.
However, if you're really interested, the big bender has gone to an Erasure concert. He's even going to an after-gig party in the hope of meeting Andy Bell. And when I say "meeting", I actually mean "rimming". And when I say "Andy Bell", I mean "Andy Bell's throbbing love-truncheon."

Mystic Review Pizza: THE SEVENTH SEAL

2007-09-10T22:28:00.000+01:00

D’ya know wot it is right. I woke up this glory with a fackin smasher of an ‘angover and got a dog and bone call off DossCunt and Crapminge or whatever the fack they call themselves these days, and they asked me if I would go dahn me local flicks like and review THE SEVENTH SEAL for ‘em. “Fack orf!” I said “you know me, I only review films that aint even been farkin’ made yet being the future seeing cahnt I am”. Apparently, those two melt pricks were too busy to go see it themselves coz they were workin’ on a post. Sumfin' abaht socks that mop up yer spunk like. I wasn’t really in the farrrrkin’ mood to argue with the wankers so I agreed. So, after giving the missus a good fackin’ pasting, I set off dahn me local fleapit to watch this pile of shit. I had no fackin’ idea wot it was abaht or anyfing.

I bought a fackin’ ticket and sat dahn in me seat like. Nah, the first thing I’ll say is that the cinema woz full of wot people dahn my end of Lahndan call “facking posh wanky faarrrrrkin student cahnts”. All sittin’ there sippin’ their fackin water talking abaht posh shit like “I read this book the other day” blah, blah farrrrrrkin blah. I fackin’ ‘ate students I do. Utter melt cahnts. Anyway, the fackin film. Nah, before I go on wiv my farkin’ review, the two whingy cahnts that run this shit site said that this would be a brand spankin’ remastered print. “It will look sweet Mystic mate” they said. Well.......

IT’S IN BLACK AND FARRRRKIN WHITE YOU FACKIN’ LYING NONCE CAHNTS!

Straight up. No word of a lie. Shit fackin' sahnd an' all. This fackin THE SEVENTH SEAL was proper fackin’ old mush. Those two kiddy fiddlin’ Newcastle supporting northern monkeys actually got your old mucker Mystic to pay good fackin’ money to go see a 500 year old film. To be honest, I don’t even know where to start on just how un-farrrrrrrkin-believably shit that film was. From what I could make ‘aht, this fackin’ old cahnt, played by Max Von Shithouse, sits on a fackin’ beach playing chess with an even older slaphead shit-stabber. FOR 2 FARRRRRRKIN’ HOURS. Wot in facks name is all that abaht mush? I mean, no explosions, no fackin’ car chases, no tit or fackin’ minge and, more importantly, NO DANNY FACKIN’ DYER! You wait till I see those two cocoa-shunting wankers. Gave me the right hump it did. If it wasn’t bad enough being made to sit in a fackin’ cinema and watch what is most probably the worst farkin’ film ever made, I had two Oxford wankers sitting behind me givin’ me a running fackin’ commentary throughaht the cahnt.

“Oh, the lighting is so......haunting”
“This is high art. It’s a masterpiece”
“It speaks to me on so many different levels”
“It’s so deep. I think I’m going to cry”

I’ll give you sumfin’ to fackin’ cry abaht you pretentious arse-bandits. And I did. I Kicked seven shades of pony ‘aht of the whining fack-sticks and left the cinema with so much red mist that I went straight home and paralysed the missus wiv a crowbar. Fackin’ women. Mind you mush, that’s fack all compared to what I’ll do next time I see the two faggots that run this SHIT SITE. FACKIN’ STUPID, RIM-JOBBING, PANSY-ARSED, CUM-GUZZLING CAHNTS!

From nah on, I’m only gonna look waaaaaaaaayyyyyy into the farrrrrrrkin’ future to review films. So, to rahnd up THE SEVENTH SEAL. Here is my poster quote for the film.

“Makes you wanna kill students and paralyse the missus with a crowbar!”
MYSTIC REVIEW PIZZA

Kazzam!

ADDENDUM

Just a quick naht from Barbara, Ms. Mystic Pizza. Nah you might be thinkin', why do I stay with this 'orrible misogynistic wife-pummelling cunt ov a pizza? You might be wonderin' why I put up with the constant battering with a pizza box or all the times he rubbed parmesan in me wounds. You might think 'at. But I laaav the cunt. And more importantly, he can see into da farkin' future! Can your husband see into da farkin' future? NAH, HE FARKIN' CANT, YOU CAHNT. Of course, I wish I could see into da farkin' future cos then I'd know when I was abaht to get another farkin' pastin'. Anyway, I'm off to tend to me wounds and re-apply me makeup. I might even flick me chilli bean to Danny Dyer while da trouble and strife is passed out in front of his goggle box. 'Ee fucking loves him some STREETHAWK, the dirty cockney seer of da future.

A Celebrity Product FOR MEN!

2007-09-09T21:27:00.000+01:00

Sex toys of the rich and famous. After Gary Busey gave us a glowing recommendation to our advert for the Gary Busey Juicy Gary, word got around the A-List community (Which Gary Busey obviously isn't part of) that we were the big boys of sex toy celebrity endorsement. So now, an actor of IMMENSE quality and star of LETHAL WEAPON 4 has decided to get a little bit of the Two Angry Men cash-cash-money-money. Yes, Chris Rock wants you (And you) to buy his amazing new product. It's available at QVC and if you ring up and use our special code "I will find where you live and rape your cat" then you get a discount. HOP TO IT, CUNTS.

(Also, this is the first post we've worked on together - my ability to rhyme rude words and Crabman's ability to photoshop shit jokes. THE FUCKING DREAM TEAM)

A Warning: Pussy-whipped

2007-09-09T18:53:00.000+01:00

Not that we want to give anyone more evidence that we are horrible misogynist women-hating cunts... Well, I am, Crabman's not. He LOVES women. Especially his wife (In case she's reading). I fucking HATE women and regularly fuck them to prove my point. This isn't a boast, especially if you'd seen the lick of the women I fuck. Anyway, to prove why I hate women, I will provide pictorial evidence of how evil they really are -

Yes, in case the fact that you can't guess which film this stub is for, it's PRIDE & PREJUDICE. The film starring Keira Knightley and That Cunt Off SPOOKS about love in the staid world of period unspoken love. And when I say it was a period piece, I mean I enjoyed it as much as I enjoy women's periods. It was AWFUL. Dull, slow, boring, piss-poor acting and DONALD SUTHERLAND, YOU FUCKING SELL-OUT CUNT. So you might be wondering why I, not only, watched this film but went to the cinema and see it. I'll tell you why, because of fucking women.

I have used the justification with Crabman that (a) If I sit through this shit, I could convince The Ex to sit through TRANSPORTER 2 and (b) I might get a BJ out of it. Neither of these excuses hold much water as (a) Who the fuck wouldn't want to see TRANSPORTER 2 anyway? And (b) BJ's are overrated and I should expect them as standard during a relationship. Yes, I am single, why do you ask? But the fact I actually sat through this FUCKING AWFUL film almost qualifies me for removal of my cock and replacement with a fanny. In fact, I should just hand over my Man Card right now. Even worse, I have a lot of mates in the cinema and so had to sheepishly pretend I was going to see DEATH KILL ORGY 7 instead of PRIDE & GAYJUDICE. What a cunt.

Crabman has the correct and not even slightly misogynistic approach and refuses to go see these films. Why am I single and he's married? I'm even much better looking too! And I can last more than 20 seconds before rolling over and having a tab. He has never had to sit through PRIDE & PREJUDICE and never will. He has, however, made his wife watch ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK approximately four billion times. It's not even that good a film either (Only kidding, I just say these things to wind him up). The absolute drivel I have sat through is terrifying. I found ticket stubs for stuff I can't even remember seeing or even what they're about. TARNATION? What the fuck is that about? I could go on. I really could. But I won't.

Yes, I am now single, why do you ask?

I am open to offers, though, if Keira Knightley's reading. But I need a guarantee of a BJ or I'm not bothering, pet.

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

2007-09-08T16:24:00.000+01:00

FOOTLOOSE (1984)

CUNT!

2007-09-08T14:14:00.000+01:00

Reader Submission

2007-09-07T13:53:00.000+01:00

"I saw this while driving down the I-95 near my home-town of Buttfuck, Missouri. I know the local priest and he was a big fan of X2, especially loving Wolverine. I guess he was a bit upset about X: THE LAST STAND and decided he wasn't going to stand for it. If you use this picture, please credit me as A.Madeup-Person."

Bit harsh, but I can't argue with the sentiment. And God's got great taste, so he's gone up in my estimation. Although if God created everything, then surely he created X3 too? And RUSH HOUR 1, 2 and 3?

No, those bad boys have got Satan's mitts all over them.

A Celebrity Product I Actually Own

2007-09-05T19:59:00.000+01:00

It's a fucking life saver.

Spaff Attack: My New Home Cinema Rig

2007-09-05T17:26:00.000+01:00

Yes, kids, you see I won the motherfucking lottery this week* and my first instinctive thought was, "I need a fucking great digital projector to make Crabman jealous." After this, "Shit, I bet my scumbag mates will want me to buy them a drink." and then "Cocks, my fucking bank manager is going to be sucking my balls and working my shaft for the forseeable future, the shifty-looking weaselly cunt."

Anyway, if you want the best, look for the best. And at the O2 Venue in Lahndahn Town (Formerly the super-shit Millenium Dome), there is The Vue - Europe's largest digital cinema set-up. It is wank-a-riffic and if it wasn't located inside the cunty O2 venue, I'd buy it with my newfound millions.** Inside this venue are housed three of NEC's finest digital projectors, the NC2500S. Or the TrouserTent5000 as I now call them. Even if you think I'm a bit of a nerdy cunt, if you're even vaguely interested in watching films at home then you can't hesitate to appreciate the beauty of this bad boy -

This fucker is hydromatic, it's automatic, why it's a greased lightning! Imagine how good this would look projected onto the wall of my two metre by two metre drugs squat! Why it'd be utterly amazing when I gave my four-thousandth showing of ALIENS which I'd had entirely re-shot on DVD using all the original actors and sets. Of course, I'd have to buy a few as I have a tendency to kick any electronic device which doesn't do EXACTLY what I want to death. This thing is so expensive, they don't even have prices on the website. It's like one of those shonky leather jacket shops run by swarthy Italians who try and convince you you'll get a deal because he just plucked a number out of the air. But with lasers.

Look at all that shit! That's amazing! It looks! It looks! It looks like a load of shit they made up to pad out the brochure. If I'm spending tens of thousands on a projector, I'm not really that fussed about a lens cover, you know? It's not going to be the major selling point. It'd be like selling me a Lamborghini and the major selling point was the lovely door handle. What I want is raw, unadulterated facts.

Now THAT'S how you do facts. Look at all that shit. I don't even understand HALF the gibberish there. My rule of thumb is I always make sure I buy technical equipment when I don't understand half of what it does. I mean, if I buy a clock and it just tells the time, there's no surprises. I want to buy a clock that has a motherfucking Flux Capacitor running on 1.21 Gigawatts of electricity. And then accidentally destroy the universe whilst trying to find out if it's time for my mid-mid-morning wank. But as I really don't understand a word of that, they might as well put any old shit there, really. I have done a new tech specs which would be more helpful.

As you can see, this is a billion times more helpful whilst also being not in any way helpful at all. It is literally the anti-help. I work in TV and I don't even pretend to understand half the shite that Crabman talks about sometimes. It's like a foreign language. Why do I need an HDMI socket again? Will it make my ULTIMATE FORCE box-sets look better? So I shouldn't be playing my X-BOX360 on a jury-rigged black-and-white 15" telly? I don't know sometimes. But now I'm fucking minted, I'm going to be doing it in style. Next, to buy a stupidly over-priced car that I have no fucking idea how to drive.

* I may actually have not won the lottery. Sometimes I don't even know when I'm lying.
** I may actually have just won a tenner.

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

2007-09-03T17:18:00.000+01:00

STRAIGHTHEADS

Crabman Ponders Rob Zombie's Remake Of HALLOWEEN

2007-09-02T15:25:00.000+01:00

I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do this but after watching Rob Zombie’s remake of HALLOWEEN last week I feel I have to say a few things about it but you’ll have to excuse me if this post is neither informative or funny. Any regular readers will know of my total disgust towards POINTLESS FUCKING REMAKES. The past few years have seen remakes of THE OMEN, THE HILLS HAVE EYES and THE FOG, to name but a few and quite frankly 99.99% of them have been fucking lazy abortions of the originals. I have said before that I have no problem whatsoever with remaking films that didn’t work the first time around but to keep rehashing well loved classics is not only pointless but fucking irritating.

John Carpenter’s original 1978 HALLOWEEN was a film I grew up with and loved and I still watch it at least twice a year, once always on Halloween night. Have done for years. Carpenter crafted a lean, atmospheric and shit-your-pants scary film from a budget that these days wouldn’t even pay for Chris Tucker’s brain medicine. Michael Myers was quite possibly the scariest motherfucker I had ever seen on film when I was a kid and he still is. In Carpenter’s original. It is and will probably always be one of my favourite horror films of all time. Its PERFECT. There has been six sequels (not including HALLOWEEN III) and never before has the law of diminishing returns ever been so aptly applied. The franchise reached a true low in HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION when Busta Rhymes roundhouse kicks Myers in the head. What. The. Fuck? To be honest, apart form HALLOWEEN II, I had pretty much given up on the whole franchise but I still have the perfect original to cherish. I remember saying to a few mates last year that there are some films that Hollywood wouldn’t dare remake. THE EXORCIST, JAWS and ,of course, HALLOWEEN. So, imagine my complete fucking exasperation when it was announced that the always savvy Weinstein brothers had brought Rob Zombie on board to “re-imagine” Carpenter’s flawless original.

Now, I’ll start of by saying that I have only seen the WORKPRINT that was leaked online last week which was Zombie’s original vision that was shown to test audiences earlier in the year. The theatrical version, released in America last Friday has had some alterations to it demanded by the studio and from what I've read the WORKPRINT is superior. Unbelievably so. That's yet another major clusterfuck from the Weinsteins. Fat cunts.

The first 30 minutes deals with the ten year old Michael Myers played by "creepy looking" newcomer Daeg Faerch. He's shown to have a “shit life”. His mother is a stripper. His mother’s boyfriend is an alcoholic bully. His sister is a slag. He gets bullied at school. The Myers house is the only shit-hole in the entire neighbourhood. He has no friends and, oh yeah, he kills his pet rats with a knife. It really is the stupidest, most ill-advised opening to a film I have seen in a long time. I’m guessing that Zombie was attempting to explain why Michael Myers becomes the monster he does but in reality all he has done is just miss the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT. Michael Myers gave me nightmares as a kid for a very good reason. He WAS the boogeyman. Pure evil. Unstoppable and relentless, any explanation as to why he kills would just make him less scary. What we don’t understand, we fear. Zombie fucked up. Good start.

The film moves forward to Michael being transferred to a “secure” sanatorium after he brutally kills his mother’s boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend. He can’t remember committing the murders and doesn’t understand why he has been locked up. Step forward Malcolm Mcdowell playing the part of Dr Sam Loomis so memorably played by Donald Pleasence in the original. First of all, I like Malcolm Mcdowell and I did think that he was quite an inspired piece of casting for this remake but he’s fucking terrible in this film. I place the blame squarely at Rob Zombie for this. The dialogue he has to work with is awful and to be honest, Zombie can’t direct actors. He can’t direct at all actually. Loomis spends a good few years trying to get through to Michael after he kills a nurse with a fork that he had handy and becomes a mute. Instead of talking, Michael makes and wears a series of masks to convey his mood. Loomis gives up, turns into a fucking bell-end and writes a book all about Myers. UTTER WANK!

15 YEARS LATER

Michael is now a seven foot monster of a man and still, understandably, locked up. Late one night, two stereotypical redneck arseholes that work the nightshift decide to rape one of the female inmates. In Myers cell. With him in it. Because, of course, if I was wanting to rape a mentally disturbed woman in the dead of night, where better to do it than in a seven foot tall, homicidal maniac's cell all the while taunting said homicidal maniac and LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN! He escapes. Obviously. This “secure” unit is nothing of the fucking sort. He wanders outside with one of his masks on and trots off down the road. Zombie, you are trying MY FUCKING PATIENCE.

From here on in, Zombie just let’s Michael loose on the town of Haddonfield killing pretty much everyone he can find but there is zero tension. It’s not scary and quite frankly, for a film pretending to be HALLOWEEN, it’s a fucking disgrace. In the original, Myers loomed out of shadows, appeared from nowhere but all the time remaining omnipresent. Wherever you hid, the creepy cunt would just appear. SCARY. Zombie has Myers just wander form house to house for no other reason than to show another gratuitous tit shot or slicing of a throat. Any fans of the original will remember a complete lack of blood. I haven’t got a problem with gore. Or tits. Quite the opposite actually. But if you really must remake HALLOWEEN please make sure you do the following.

MAKE IT SCARY YOU STUPID CUNT. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE.

I could go on and on about what’s wrong with this film but I won’t. Actually, I think I will.

The beginning
The script is awful
The acting is atrocious. Even, as mentioned earlier, Malcolm Mcdowell.
The teenage girls are all now one dimensional BRATZ rejects. You actually want them to die.
The middle.
Michael Myers looks like a fucking wanky grunge rock cunt.
Zombie uses that fucking awful “shaky cam” effect. Yawn.
Michael Myers is made out to be a sympathetic psycho killer. ???????????
Zombie really needs to stop putting his stupid fucking wife in his films. She’s rubbish.
The majority of the film makes no sense whatsoever.
The end. Which really is unbelievably bad.

The only two things I like about this cunt of a remake was the music and Myers’ mask. Both of which were in the original film in the first place. So, WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT? I’m afraid I can’t answer that for you. Feel free to check out the WORKPRINT here and save yourself some cash when it eventually opens here in October. Be quick though, I have a feeling it won't be online for much longer. As I said before, the cut that's online is the BETTER VERSION which actually makes me wander just how unspeakably bad the theatrical cut is. Suffice to say, it is getting a fucking good kicking from the critics. Good.

Please, Hollywood, stop producing these POINTLESS FUCKING REMAKES. If Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN wasn’t bad enough, I still have the remake of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK to look forward to in 2009. Directed by Len Wiseman.

FUCK. ME. SIDEWAYS.

Crabman. Simpsonized

2007-09-01T11:13:00.000+01:00

It's not often I would do this but I'm stealing our good friends at Stupid Fucking Customers idea today. Partly because I'm fucking lazy but mainly because they're always ripping off our ideas. So, I decided to upload a photo of myself to The Simpsonizer and here's what the piece of shit spat out.

I am now officially worried about my looks. I'm only 8lbs away from that fucking comic book guy for fucks sake. How in the name of fuckity clunge-gunge am I married let alone ever had sex with a female? It's Saturday and I'm supposed to be in a good mood but frankly I am now near suicidal. I really shouldn't have done this to myself. I hate life but more importantly I hate MATT FUCKING GROENING.

By the way Matt, THE SIMPSONS MOVIE was fucking wank. Seriously. And that's not just because your Simpsonizer has made me look like a fat fucking loser who spends the majority of his free time either drinking crates of Stella Artois or calling Brett Ratner a cunt on his lame website. It really was a major fucking dissapointment.

CUNT!

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

2007-08-30T19:21:00.000+01:00

PEARL HARBOR

A Message From Kevin Spacey

2007-08-30T18:31:00.000+01:00

Coo-ee!

I'm not gay you know. It's a common misconception these days that I would rather have sex with men than females. This, of course, is absolute balderdash. I think females are great and I would, in no way, rather have a hot stiff one up my gary of an evening. To make sure that all my fans realise just how manly I am I spoke to my good friend John Hannah who said the best way to get people to think that you're straight is to release your own video game. And here it is. KEVIN SPACEY INVADERS!

It took a team of one person to code this beast of a game over a period of a day with my supervision. I based it on a classic but to be honest I really wanted the bunkers and the little ship at the bottom to be brown but we only had two colours to work with. If the game got a little hard you would just have to squeeze your big rocket between the brown bunkers and wait patiently until you feel like shooting all over my face. I like brown. The game will be in the shops ready for Christmas - my favourite time of the year. I genuinely can't wait for all you 16-32 year old men to get ahold of KEVIN SPACEY INVADERS, take it home, lock yourselves in your bedrooms and start bashing your joysticks furiously while you shoot all over my face. You can even whack it on your hard drive. Or your floppy! There is even going to be a Wii version where you strapping young boys can whack me off all over the room. See, not gay at all!

So, do me a favour, any young men reading this, and make sure that you purchase KEVIN SPACEY INVADERS so that you can invite me into your bedroom for a night of furious, sweaty, manly, hard-as-a-rock joystick bashing. Please be aware though, to gain maximum points, you have to shoot all over my face. A lot.

Tatty Bye!

Detectiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

Two Angry Men Help The Government

2007-08-29T10:15:00.000+01:00

With the recent announcement that the UK government is not through ANALLY PUMPING anybody who wants a cigarette, I thought I'd finally offer my assistance. After all, I see just as many people smoking outside after the Smoking Around Cunts Who Interfere Ban came into place two months ago. The only difference is that snobby, wine bar, middle-class cunts who don't even go to half the pubs I used to smoke in can now have the moral high-ground about smoking. Cunts.

Anyway, the recent announcement that the government is now going to have compulsory images printed on all cigarette packets of HIDEOUS, almost GEIGER-ESQUE deformed internal organs post-tobacco-related disease got me thinking. I mean, all smokers know they're going to die. We all know we're probably going to get lung cancer and spend our last futile years hacking up lumps of death tar. And not the kind that symbiotically joins your body and gives you strange new powers and a bit of a strut. The kind that, if it were to gain sentience, would probably appear on Jeremy Kyle and claim dole. So these images really don't work. I've come up with a few that might work better.

	Obviously none of these claims are scientifically proven in any kind of recognised science journal. I mean, I don't have the resources to scientifically prove any of this. I also don't have the knowledge, experience, skills or brain power to care. But it's SCIENCE FACT and there's no denying THAT level of conviction. If you smoke too much, you will turn into Chris Tucker. FACT.
	A lesser known condition but certainly a worrying one. If you carry on smoking, you may end up RUINING otherwise perfectly good franchises, pointlessly cast Vinnie Jones in roles he doesn't deserve and continue to make money out of staid, tired non-comedies. You may also have suspected paedophiles in comedy ass-rape roles. And nobody wants that. Be afraid of advanced Brett Ratner-ism as it may lead to a seriously fatal cause of Len Wiseman-itis. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
	There's nothing worse than some tedious cunt approaching you and offering to "Buy a tab off you". Imagine that but now he's not offering to buy one, he just wants one and it's not some tedious cunt, it's the erstwhile fourteenth-on-the-billing star of THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS. I don't think he's ever given me a cigarette and I know I've given him four billion and one. I was just talking to Donna Air last week and she said he's never given her a tab either.
	Fucking FACT. And I live in the North East of England, one of the grimiest, pissing-it-downiest, most miserable places on God's green earth. So now I have to sludge my way through a foot of tabs piled outside every pub in town and then do it again every half hour when I want a fucking tab. I HATE YOU, GOVERNMENT!

Mystic Review Pizza: Psychic Pasty Is A Cahnt!

2007-08-27T22:08:00.000+01:00

Nah, do I ‘ave the facking hump or do I ‘ave the facking hump. The two shit-stabbers that run this wank site are always asking me to do ‘em farkin’ favours and that. “look into the farkin’ future and review this” and “look into the faarrrrrkin future and review that”. I always relent because despite the cahnts being complete facking melts, I sorta like ‘em. But, just the uvver day, this proper pony site who call ‘emselves Stupid Fucking Customers had the fackin’ audacity to challenge my fackin’ future seeing abilities by bringing on board some cahnt called PSYCHIC PASTY. What the farrrrkin’ ‘ell is that all abaht mush eh? Stupid fackin’ cahnts more like. In case those cahnts ain't noticed, I’m a farrrrrrrrrkin rock 'ard naughty cockney with minerals the size of 'ampton fackin' court. I eat farrrrrkin pasties for breakfast mush. Not ahnly that, the cahnts wot write that shitty blog are obviously devoid of fackin’ ideas. Nah, I wanna make this plain and fackin’ clear right. Any cahnt that wants to go toe-to-fackin’-toe with yer old mucker Mystic is more than farrrrrkin’ welcome, because ya know wot? I know people mate. Fackin’ people that will kick ten shades of shit aht of any cahnt that tries to get tasty with me. Know wot I mean? If the cahnts want a fackin’ war the farrrrrrkin cahnts will get a farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkin war. Melts!

Nah that’s off me chest, I ‘ave to go and look waaaayyyyyyyyyy into the farkin’ future and review TERMINATOR 4 for the plebs that run this site. I ‘ave a feeling that TERMINATO.........hold on mush......."Oi, Barbara! I’m not being funny, but if you don’t stop that fackin’ dog barkin’ I’m gonna come in there and show you the tasty side of my fist...........No,no,no Barb. Stop and listen to me, I'm fackin' workin' ere so let me make this crystal farkin’ clear. SHUT THAT FACKIN’ DOG UP OR I WILL COME IN THE FARKIN' KITCHEN AND FACKIN’ SHUT YOU UP!

Sorry abaht that. Fackin’ women and all that. Anyway, like I said, Psychic Pasty can come at me with all he’s got but I ‘m pretty sure the cahnt comes from Cornwall in which case he’ll be a complete fackin’ fudge packer. Get facked!

Pasties? I shit ‘em

Kazzam!

P.S. TERMINATOR 4 was fackin' shit!

Things That Make My Dick Hard: PART ONE

2007-08-25T19:11:00.000+01:00

I am at a total loss today. I awoke with a hangover normally only reserved for George Best and also the need to take a dump so large that I was sure it would level the apartment block once flushed. I took three uranium-grade painkillers and pondered what I might post today. I couldn’t think of a fucking thing to whinge about which is extremely rare for me. But then......EUREKA! Just what, exactly, makes my dick hard I thought. Fan-fucking-tastic. Obviously, I can only include things movie related and after thinking for a good 20 seconds I came up with some surprisingly disturbing things that make my dick hard. In fact, the upcoming list disturbed me so much that it made my dick hard. Feast your eyes on this fucking lot you lucky cunts.

HOME CINEMA EQUIPMENT
TEASER TRAILERS
LINDSAY LOHAN'S CLUNGE
THX SOUND PROCESSING
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
OPTIMUS PRIME'S NUTS
THE THOUGHT OF GEORGE LUCAS SHITTING HIMSELF IN PUBLIC. PREFERABLY AT THE OSCARS.
BATMAN’S INVITING CAVE
BIG FUCK OFF PLASMA SCREENS
DVD BOXSETS
MERYL STREEP'S AGED CLUNGE
THE POSSIBILITY OF NICK LOVE'S 'MORPH'
STEVEN SPIELBERGS BEARD
CLINT MANSELL'S ORGAN
BIG FUCK OFF HOTDOGS
WATCHMEN
CHRISTIAN BALE'S MOUTH
HALLE BERRY'S BANGERS
ZOMBIES
DAVID CRONENBERG'S SHIT-PIPE
LORD OF THE RINGS MERCHANDISE
IMAX
ORLANDO BLOOM'S HEADSTONE
TYLER DURDEN
THE THOUGHT OF JENNIFER LOPEZ CONTRACTING CANCER OF THE VOCAL CHORDS
JENNIFER LOPEZ’ S CLUNGE
THE F-14A TOMCAT AS USED IN TOP GUN
THE THOUGHT OF QUENTIN TARANTINO CONTRACTING AIDS
HIGH DEFINITION VIDEO
THE POSSIBLITY OF CARRIE-ANNE MOSS STARRING IN A PORNO WITH RON JEREMY
DAVID FINCHER'S BATHMAT
LILO AND STITCH
AIRWOLF THE MOVIE
PRINCESS LEIA’S CLUNGE
CRANK AND THE POSSIBILTY OF CRANK 2,3,4,5 AND LIVE FREE OR CRANK HARD

A Message From John Hannah

2007-08-25T14:04:00.000+01:00

Hi there,

With the recent announcement that my good friend Stephen Sommers will be directing the upcoming GI JOE film, I thought it was time I had a chat with you, my loyal fans. You see, Stephen doesn't get much work nowadays after those nasty, nasty reviewers ripped into VAN HELSING. I mean, calling it "the cuntiest piece of CGI toss ever released" was a bit harsh and I was especially cut to the quick by "I'd rather lick out Liza Minelli's fungus-riddled clunge than sit through another minute of this". Both of those were taken from Paul Ross' review on daytime TV show THIS MORNING as well.

But with this announcement, I thought it was time to reach out to you, my fans. Both of you. You see, with my good friend Stephen Sommers getting some work, that means that there may be a role in this film for your good friend, John Hannah. And if I were to get a role in this film, I PROMISE that I would repay every single tenner I have ever borrowed and will, in fact, buy you any drink of your choosing up to £2.70 in price depending on inflation.

You know it makes sense!

Cheers,

John Hannah

PS - Any chance of borrowing a fiver?

Honestly, the cheek of the cunt... But I promised him I'd put up YET ANOTHER demand from the tight bastard. I mean, I doubt he'll be even making back twenty quid from a fucking GI JOE movie, but that's just me.

It's Not Fucking Rocket Science - The Punisher

2007-08-23T12:34:00.000+01:00

I'm really fucking serious about this. It's not. It's not rocket science, it's not brain surgery, it's not even fucking sudoku... It's A PIECE OF PISS! I could write you a PUNISHER screenplay in half an hour that would shit on that Thomas Jane abortion from a great height. I'm not blowing my own trumpet, I'd warrant that anybody out there with a grasp of the English language, a knowledge of the character and a sadistic streak a mile wide could do the same. Because It's Not Fucking Rocket Science, You Cunts.

To explain how distressed I was with the first PUNISHER film (And I'm discounting the version with Dolph Lundgren because that blatantly wasn't a Punisher film) would take more than the mere words of the English language. I'd probably have to invent some new ones. You know, like that popular misconception about the inuit having 47 different words for snow? I'd have to discover another 46 words for "Cuntingly fucking shit-stabbingly awful turd". And to be fair, some of that's not even English. Anyway, the simple formula of a Punisher film can be summed up thus.

He is a marine who served in Vietnam. I don't care about them updating IRON MAN's origin because it was about war, not a specific war. But Frank Castle NEEDS to be from the Vietnam war.
His family are accidentally killed by mobsters. Any more overcomplication than this misses the integral point that it was an accident.
He lives in New York. Not in fucking Hawaii or whatever sun-bathed paradise they shot the first film. FUCKING IDIOTS.
He kills people. A lot. The point I lost all interest in the film was when part of Frank's sinister plan was to give somebody a parking ticket. HE'S THE FUCKING PUNISHER! HE'D JUST SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD AND WALK AWAY! Jesus. Fucking. Wept.

Anyway, I was almost getting vaguely excited about the new PUNISHER film with the announcement of Ray "THIRTEEEEEEEEEN" Stevenson as Frank Castle. He looks like he would tear off your head and shit down your neck just for looking at him funny. Also, he is from the North East of England and used to go to the cinema I worked in as a kid, so he is One Of Us. He looks the type, Thomas Jane was always a bit too much Hollywood Rough rather than Actual Rough.

I hadn't heard much about the director so I decided to check her out. JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCKING SEGWAY, SHE'S A FUCKING WOMAN! Who the fuck even lets women direct films never mind action films? What the fucking chuff is a woman gonna know about tearing out a man's guts with your hands and choking him to death with them? Here is a picture of her stood next to Elijah Wood. Well, not next to him, they've probably used trick photography or something.

Yes, her biggest claim to fame prior to this is that she made GREEN STREET. You may know it under a different name, but it is the film about football hooligans with Elijah "As menacing as a blind man with a sniper rifle" Wood. And, by god, that was an awful, awful film. I don't have the time or inclination to do a full review here, but that film was universally hated by every single person I've ever spoke to. It was the least threatening film and had the worst ending ever. I literally wanted to reach through the screen and strangle both the director and screenwriter. Now I know who she is, I will take great pleasure in it.

But- But- But... She's quite fit! She has her own cute little blog too. I would do strange things to her, even though she has a hint of the Maggie Gyleenhalllenhallenhal-esque Downs Syndrome about her. Also, she is a world class martial artist and has competed in competitions across the globe. Also, she went on tour with some kind of MORTAL KOMBAT stage-show as Princess Kitana. If she still has the costume, I'm open to a bit of cosplay - I'll even let her rough me up a bit.

But- But- But... She's a woman! Making a PUNISHER film! It's bound to go horribly wrong. I mean... SHE'S A FUCKING WOMAN! God, I am in such a quandary. What do I like more, The Punisher or fit women who can fight? So much confusion... Either way, we can all agree that this is quite possibly one of the stupidly easiest films to make and so far they've fucked it up twice. Really, Hollywood, it's not fucking rocket science.

Films I Am Not Looking Forward To In 2009

2007-08-20T19:19:00.001+01:00

Well, the summer blockbuster season has closed with more of a whimper than a bang with THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM and quite frankly it has been one of the worst Summers yet being filled with pointless sequels and Chris Tucker. But, it's only gonna get worse if the announcements today are anything to go by. Below is a list of confirmed films currently in pre-production that will be ready for release Summer 2009. It's not looking good.

PAY YOUR MORTGAGE OR DIE HARD

John Maclane is against the odds once again as interest rates rise beyond manageable levels and his house becomes seriously at risk of being repossessed. One particularly memorable scene from the leaked script is a 30 minute conversation between Maclane and his police chief about the possibilty of either a raise or voluntary redundancy. The only action set piece centres around Maclane having a rather one sided argument with bailiffs waiting outside his front door. No swearing. Directed by David Schwimmer.

JAMES BOND VS FREDDY

A bit odd this one as Daniel Craig could be risking career suicide by having any part in this stupid cross-over that sees Freddy Krueger escape from Hell only, instead of carrying on with his usual, casual infanticide he decides to hold the world to ransom by hacking into telecommunication satellites and transmitting MEAN GIRLS on a loop to every single TV channel available. Society collapses and Bond has only 48 hours to stop Krueger or the worlds population will go insane. Such a bad idea that you would think that some cunt just spent 30 seconds thinking it up. Directed by Uwe Boll.

SPIDER-MAN 4

The one with 62 villains, 12 song and dance routines and Peter Parker not even bothering to put the spidey suit on. At all. Directed by Sam Raimi with some help from a clueless fat-fuck producer. Or Avi Arad as he likes to be called.

HARRY POTTER AND THE SHITTY HOTDOG

This is a JK Rowling endorsed spin-off that see Harry going to University on a quest to find the drunkest slut he can find to give a "shitty hotdog". According to the press release blurb, Harry has fucked off his ginger mate and decided that the only way he can get any minge is to go it alone in search for that elusive "shitty hotdog". I have to say that Rowling has surprised me by authorising this sequel. I've read the first draft and I can tell you for certain that it is going to be a hard 18 certificate. The dreary denoument is really rather upsetting. Dark Stuff. Directed by David Cronenberg.

BRIDGET JONES: THE CRACK WHORE YEARS

Another slightly disturbing sequel from a popular series of books that sees the titular slag lose her job, boyfriend and house and resorts to selling her flabby clunge to chinese businessmen to pay for her chronic smack addiction. Bridget's lovable persona goes out the fucking window in this sequel. It really is quite harrowing stuff. In a good way. 40 minutes in and already her sense of humour has been replaced by a homicidal dislike towards men and she ends up weighing around four stone due to fact that her diet no longer consists of Haagen Daaz and white wine but Chinese businessmen's jizz and poor quality heroin. I might be tempted to actually go and see this one. Directed by David Lynch.

SHREK FUCKS HIS KIDS

I thought this was a joke but apparently the big-wigs at Dreamworks have honestly decided to make a Shrek film that has a serious message about the ongoing problem of paedophilia and child abuse. Frankly, I think they have lost their fucking minds. If the title doesn't put you off taking the kids then let it be known that it's going to be directed by a certain Brett Ratner. FRANCHISE KILLER ALERT!!!

GUY RICHIES REMAKE OF 'THE EXORCIST'

Now, I'm just as angry about this as you are. THE EXORCIST is a flawless horror classic and one that shouldn't be remade at all let alone by a one-trick talentless faux-cockney cunt like Guy Richie. The press notes state that Michael Bay's production company, Platinum Dunes, is financing the project with an estimated $200,000,000 budget and the possessed child so memorably played by Linda Blair will now be played by Vinnie Jones. What the fuck? "Yer muvva sacks cocks in 'ell mush!" After Richie's awful REVOLVER he has been looking for projects outside of the "cockney gangster" genre but to be honest what he should be doing is staying away from a film set altogether, staying at home with his saggy-twatted wife and adopt ethnic children. It gets worse. The role of priest Damian Karras has now been given to Bob Hoskins and the mother is probably going to be played by Barbara Windsor. The film is reportedly going to be set in South London. Shooting starts in a couple of months. This is gonna suck harder than Lindsay Lohan giving James Dyson a blowjob. In a Black Hole.

To Celebrate Our 100th Post!

2007-08-20T16:11:00.000+01:00

All that work and so little reward. Yes, this is our 100th post since starting all those months back in April. Who'd have thought that by this point, we'd have accumulated such a concentrated stockpile of information, constructive criticism and academia? Nobody, because it's 100 posts of utter bile, the word "cunt" and cocks being photoshopped onto movie stars. And I'm sure Crabman would agree, we'd have it no other way!

Indiana Jones IV Potential Titles

2007-08-18T16:13:00.000+01:00

INDIANA JONES AND THE SEVEN SHADES OF SHIT
INDIANA JONES AND THE PINK FLAMINGOS
INDIANA JONES AND THE TIME I GOT LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET
INDIANA JONES AND THE BLUE-TACK OF MARGARET
INDIANA JONES AND HIS FRIEND HILARY
INDIANA JONES AND THE FORGOTTEN LEGEND OF SOMETHING WHICH HAPPENED SOMETIME
INDIANA JONES AND MY CAR KEYS
INDIANA JONES AND THE CENTRE OF A DONUT IS FULL OF JAM
INDIANA JONES AND THE ELOCUTION LESSON
INDIANA JONES AND THIS AND THAT
INDIANA JONES AND THE UNFUNNY GAG THAT NEEDS TO DIE
INDIANA JONES AND MONSTER MUNCH'S ORIGINAL RECIPE WAS BETTER
INDIANA JONES AND THE STATE MADE OUT OF CHEESE
INDIANA JONES AND A VISIT TO THE ZOO
INDIANA JONES AND THE TIME HE GOT HIS FOOT STUCK IN A CATTLE GRID
INDIANA JONES AND THE CLOCK HE KEEPS FORGETTING TO WIND UP SO IT'S ALWAYS SHOWING THE WRONG TIME, BUT IS RIGHT TWICE A DAY
INDIANA JONES AND THE WALNUT'S ASS
INDIANA JONES AND THE COUGH MEDICINE BELONGING TO HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND
INDIANA JONES AND THE FACT OF THE MATTER
INDIANA JONES AND CHRIS TUCKER

How many of those would I watch? At least 88.75% of them, that's how many, fact fans!

Is This One Of The Great Hollywood Comebacks?

2007-08-18T15:58:00.000+01:00

No, this is not one of Hollywoods greatest comebacks. It is, quite possibly the lamest post I have EVER done in my life. And, I have posted some lame-o wank in my time.

The Boring Ultimatum

2007-08-17T20:49:00.000+01:00

Hello kidlings, it's me, Muhammed Ali - ex-boxer and ex-sane man of legend. I'd like to take a few moments of your time to tell you about this film I've been working on. GET UPPA! GET ON UPPPP! Ye see, I been turning my hand away from the floating of butterflies and instead to the photography of major motion pictures. GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY! I was asked by my good cracker-ass friend, Paul Greengrass (Or Chalkie as I like to call him) to handle the cinematography on his latest film THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM. I was only too happy to oblige. DOES THAT MAKE ME CRAAAAAAAYYYYZY? I shall talk you through some of my favourite shots of the film and discuss it at length, fool!

This is a classic shot of my main cracker, Matt Damon. Damon is a cool motherfucker despite having a potato head and a face like a walnut's ass-hole. DIAMONDS AND PEEEEEARLS! You see what I have done here is use a handheld approach to the photography and made sure that it is not in focus at all or stays still for more than half a millisecond. I achieve this through a new technique I, Muhammed Cassius Clay Ali Mustafa the Third, have devised. I call it Parkinsons-vision! ARE YUH GUNNA GO MA WAY?

Here's another shot of the pasty-faced crackerjack Matt Damon. But this time I used my patented Parkinsons-vision technology turned up to ELEVEN! When you crank this motherfucker up to eleven, all kinds of crazy never-seen-before shit starts happening. You think that motherfucking fuckingmother David Fincher could do this? You think that mothermotherfuckfuck Steven Spielberg ever dreamed of this? I'M INTO SEX, I AIN'T INTA MAKIN' LOOOOVE! You see, I turned the goddamn camera upside down! UPSIDE-MOTHERFUCKINGFUCK-DOWN. You can't even tell what the MOTHERFUCK is going on here! It's the kind of skillage that I was famed for in my boxing days before the cruel irony of brain damage took over. Who'd have thought blow-induced brain damage would be boxing's loss and cinema's gain? WHAT A FEEEEELIN', WHEN YOU'RE DANCIN' ON THE CEILING!

Here is where I pull the goddamn big guns out. This is a variant on the Parkinsons-vision I patented, copyrighted, trademarked and motherfucking cockmunched. It is called Carpal Tunnel View 3.1. AAAAM A ROCKSTAAA, QUICK ON THA DRAAAAW. You can achieve this special effect without all my training, expertise and nibbleness of feet all by yourself. Route A to achieving this goal is to get into a fight with somebody twice your size and use your head to block the punches. Route B is to drink a concoction they have in Engerland - where my main cracka Paul Greengrass is from - called TwentyTwenty. You don't gotta drink a lot of this stuff because, like me, it gets fucking results, bitch. THERE'S A RAT IN MA KITCHEN, WHAT AM A GONNA DO?

Holy shit, I don't even REMEMBER this shot. That's how fucking quality I am, I FORGOT more shots than you've had hot dinners. In fact, just this morning I forgot my name, what year it was and whether cats could talk or not. In fact, who the fuck are you? Where's my nurse? SEXUAL HEEEEEEALING! What the fuck is this? Matt Damon again? I can't even tell? That fucking cracker-munch Paul Greengrass, who probably owns a slave ship or two, ought to put more thought into his movies. Another shot of Matt Damon, the walnut-ass-face-having motherfucker? Is he talking on his mother-fucking phone again? I wanted to do the fucking cinemotherfuckingtography on a JASON BOURNE film, not a fucking CARPHONE WAREHOUSE advert! FUCK THE POOOOLICE! Jesus, son, I will whip your ass and call you Terry next time I see you.

The whole mothergoddamnfucking movie is filled with top quality footage of this calibre and that no-good lynch-mob ku klux klan motherfuckster Paul Greengrass said he loved every frame of it. And if he didn't, I'd punch that ass-master so hard, his KIDS'd be born with bruises. Well, I'd get my bodyguard to anyway. I'M ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIIIIIIMES A LADY! Hell, they were so pleased with my work on the cinematography that they let me write the motherfucking script too. Me, Muhammed Superman Chris Bonnington Barry Cryer Ali, wrote a motherfucking major motion picture. They said it was quite difficult to decipher my scrawled spazz hand-writing, but managed to work out most of it. Hopefully, this won't be the last you'll hear of me! I'M JUST SITTIN' ON THE DOCKA THA BAY! Peace out, crackers.

Two Angry Men Meet Brett Ratner

2007-08-17T16:30:00.000+01:00

Well, a big thank you to all of our readers who gave so generously to the Two Angry Men Charity Foundation enabling DasGeordie and myself to succeed in winning ‘Dinner with Brett Ratner’ on Ebay. With a bit of last minute re-mortgaging and mugging we managed to raise the $15,800 needed to meet the cunt that made the RUSH HOUR TRILOGY.

We arrived in Los Angeles at 5.45pm yesterday and took a taxi straight from LAX to the restaurant where we would be meeting the man himself. I have to just quickly say that security is a bit wanting at American airports these days. We managed to get through with a machete, an M16, a tazer gun, a flame thrower and an array of rusty dildos without so much as a glance from the authorities. Stupid cunts. Anyway, we arrived at KFC at 7pm and there he was. Brett Ratner. I’ll start off by saying that he’s a right short arse. And fat. And he’s a total cunt. He did however make one fatal mistake in meeting us two. He had no security with him. Ha! We sat down and DasGeordie secretly turned on the dictaphone in his pocket. Here’s how it went down.

Brett Ratner: Hi guys. So, you wanted to meet the genius who made RUSH HOUR 1,2 and 3 as well as X-MEN 3 eh? You must think I’m the schizzle to pay such a large amount of money just to sit with me for a couple of hours.

Me: Yeah, something like that mate.

DasGeordie: We wouldn’t have missed this for the world Brett.

BR: So, what do you guys wanna ask me about?

Me: Erm, here’s a question for ya mate. How the fuckity cunt did you manage to fuck up X-MEN 3? You literally fucked the franchise up the shitter. You some sort of cunt or something?

DasGeordie: And FAMILY MAN was fucking shit as well.

Me: And AFTER THE SUNSET.

BR: Hey guys, what’s with all the hostility?

Me: Up yours fatso. Making one RUSH HOUR film is cunty enough. But 3! Despicable cunt. (Getting out my tazer gun and blasting Ratner in the chest) TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING TWAT-CLANGER!

BR: AAARRRGGGGGHHH!!!

DasGeordie: Hahahahahahah! Fucking mint! Oi Crabman, grab his legs and I’ll kick the cunt in the head several times.

Me: No fucking worries mate. (grabbing Ratners legs and pulling him to the ground)

SMACK! BOING! CRACK! BANG! WALLOP! CRASH!

BR: Uhhhhhh...........hel.................p...............crazy.................people.

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SLAG! (getting my machete out and chopping Ratners fat fucking arm off)

CHOP!!!

BR: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

DasGeordie: Crabman, throw us the flame thrower and I’ll scorch his fucking balls.

Me: DO IT!

BR: No........please.........I....beg........Rush......Hour......was.......

DasGeordie: EAT THIS!

WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!

BR: AARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!!! FUUUUUUUUCK!

(sounds of DasGeordie and myself continually kicking the shit out of Ratner. For an hour)

Me: You had enough Brett? Got the fucking message? You make one more film and we’ll come back and finish the job. Know what I mean? Fat cunt! Come on DasGeordie, we’ve got a plane to catch.

(DasGeordie gives fat boy one last kick to the temple and we leave the sobbing prick in a puddle of his own shit, piss and blood)

Not such a big shot now is he. I have to say that was the best $15,800 we have ever spent so a big thank you to all who donated so generously. You made the world a better place.

Ratner earlier today

Can You Help?

2007-08-15T17:08:00.000+01:00

Can you give a small amount to those more needy than yourself?

Are you willing to make a small donation to make the world a better place?

Do you mind offering a small pittance to two people who are very deserving?

If so, you've come to the right place - you see, we at the Two Angry Men Charity Foundation (Awaiting charitable registration number) desperately need to raise more than $13,400 before the close of play tomorrow evening. I know you've probably received a dozen or more spam emails of this ilk today, a pile at least of flyers through your front door too. But this is a serious problem and we need your help.

Because this man is auctioning off a dinner with himself on eBay. The man? Brett Ratner. And we need your small donation to win this auction and join this man for dinner. And REPEATEDLY DONKEY-PUNCH HIM IN THE KIDNEYS UNTIL THEY RUPTURE. Yes, if you can make it possible that Crabman and I could make it through security unharmed and meet Mr Ratner himself, we will guarantee to FUCKSTART HIS HEAD WITH RUSTY DILDOS WHILST SHITBANGING HIS COLON. What more deserving charity is there? Can you name one? I can't name one.

Click on the picture above to see the plight we now face. Neither of us can afford this ungodly sum for ourselves. We need your help. If you think you can help, please contact us via email and we will happily take your money. If we don't raise enough money by the close of bidding, don't worry about refunds. You will never see your money again.

Please, do something for the greater good just this once. Your small cash amount can make the cinema a safe place to visit once more.

Thank you,

Satan's Movie Reviewer #1: Paul Ross

2007-08-15T13:17:00.000+01:00

Crabman and I have become increasingly upset about the quality of reviews in even some of our most favoured publications. No longer can we rely on TOTAL FILM or EMPIRE to provide unbiased, qualitative reviews that are of any use. Too many times have they lauded some utter bag of fuck-spanners as a work of unbridled genius. No, we've long since stopped relying on even the most well-written reviews as no use to us.

However, even in their wrongest moments, the two publications above have always been entertaining and stated the facts in a vaguely accurate fashion. There are far more reviewers out there who got their job because they have a nice pair of tits/famous brother/can breathe through their noses and suck like a Dyson. These are usually called "Entertainment Correspondents" and whichever country you currently reside in, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But as I live in England, I shall tell you all about our very own Worst Movie Reviewer Of All Time - Paul Ross.

This is fuck-stain of a human being. He used to work on gash yoof programme, THE WORD, as an editor. Instantly, he is a cunt. He worked on THE BIG BREAKFAST. Cunt. He had his own TV show. CUNT. He worked on bid-up.tv before it became a student/piss-head's cult favourite. Cuuuuunt. He appeared on not one, but TWO reality TV-shows. Caaaant. But the icing on the cherry cake of cuntiness is that he appeared as a fictional character in the first BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY movie. CUNNNNNUUUNNNNUUNUNUT!

But what really irons my nads is his regular slot as movie reviewer for daytime TV frontal lobotomy, THIS MORNING. I'm a little hard on THIS MORNING as it's not actively dumbing down for its audience. Its audience really is this stupid. The kind of people who can't/won't get jobs, the kind of people who look after their eighteen kids, the kind of people who go to university but never attend lectures, the kind of people whose brain capacity is close to that of a walnut. For these people, THIS MORNING - and by extension - Paul Ross' film reviews are probably equivalent to the works of Proust. To these people, the instructions on the back of their Ch-Ch-Ch... Charmin' toilet roll is Pulitzer Prize-winning.

But Ross' reviews are legendarily turdulent. Even his wikipedia entry accuses him of "quote whoring", a practice bound to mark you out as a fuck-knuckle of the highest order. A good example of this kind of thing would be if I mentioned in a review of WILD HOGS that I thought it was "Hoggerific!" or "I went WILD for this movie!" instead of the more likely review quote which would be "WILD HORSES wouldn't drag me to see this abortion." Quote whoring is the least of Ross' problems, he is one of those cunty reviewers who refuse to say bad things about anything because, you know, somebody will probably enjoy it. Yes, those people who spend twenty minutes trying to work out child-proof caps on pill bottles or think Sudoku is a foreign language. We have a word for these people - retards.

Paul Ross' reviews are utterly, utterly useless for any purpose other than to laugh at. He writes for THE NEWS OF THE FUCKING WORLD for the love of God. One of the most awful tabloid pieces of shit available. I wouldn't wipe my arse with THE NEWS OF THE WORLD for fear I accidentally had some bit of racist banter permanently tattooed there. What's even worse is that I actually kinda like Paul's more talented brother, Jonathan, who presents FILM 2007. Anybody who likes comic books publically is all right with me. But Paul is like a shitty photocopy of Jonathan with all the interesting edges filed off. If ever you see any film poster with one of his quotes on, you know it is going to be utter shit.

I wanted to make this into a regular feature, but I really don't think there's going to be anybody who could even come close to being Satan's Movie Reviewer than Paul Ross. Even Satan himself would refuse to watch some of the shit Paul Ross wanks over like a chimp with a film degree.

Why Is John Travolta Such A Massive Cunt?

2007-08-14T20:20:00.000+01:00

Hmmm. You ever pondered this? I have. It’s taken me a while but I think I have unravelled the mystery that so many before me have tried in vain to but to no avail. But, before I unleash Travolta’s spackery upon you, I shall get the boring fucking pleasantries out of the way and tell you the things that he’s done in the past which I admired.

Face/Off. The only decent Western John Woo film. Fact.
Saturday Night Fever. Don’t be fooled. It’s a mint film.
Grease. Don’t be fooled. I’m not a fudge-packer.
Get Shorty. Be Cool was fucking gash.
Carrie.
Pulp Fiction. Although let me reiterate that I now hate Quentin Tarantino just as much now as well.

There you go. I’m not a total cunt am I. Unlike John Travolta. Now, let us all together delve into the mass-cuntery of Captain John Travolta. Over.

1. Scientology

I shouldn’t really have to say too much about this really seeing that any human being with even an ounce of intelligence would agree that Scientology is, without a doubt, the stupidest fucking religion ever created in the entire fucking universe. Stupider than Christianity? Yep. Stupider than Buddhism? Fuckin’ A! Stupider than Islam? Er, no actually. Allah is a pretty decent guy just in case there are any fundamentalist mentalists reading. Which I highly fucking doubt, but if there are. Go Allah! I digress. Travolta, along with all the other slightly deranged, dead-eyed Hollywood oddballs believe that human beings are in fact just vessels with which to carry the spirits of aliens (from outer space no less) called Thetans. Riiiiight. I honestly believe that all Scientologists should be sectioned for even contemplating this to be true. I mean, if I was a highly advanced being from across the cosmos looking for a suitable host in which to carry my everlasting spirit, I certainly wouldn’t choose an irritating, overacting, has-been fat fuck of a serial wanker like Travolta. Know what I mean? JT and his fellow chunder-cunts also believe that psychology and anti-depressants are evil. Well, maybe he should have thought about that before he went and made..........

2. Battlefield Earth

3. He's a pilot.

Before you say anything, I don’t think pilots are cunts. Far from it. I entrust them with my life whenever they fly me somewhere. Cheers fellas. Also, being a pilot is a cool-assed job. When I was 14 I really wanted to become a fighter pilot much to my dad’s delight. Why? TOP GUN. Am I fighter pilot now? Am I fuck. Anyway, like I said, pilots are cool, John Travolta is a cunt. He’s such a fucking show-off that the twat-clanger even bought himself a Boeing 707-138. Prick. What the fuck does he need that for? He must have the worlds smallest cock. He even dresses up in the old pilots uniform whenever he flies the cunt. Who the fuck does he think he is? Maverick? Iceman? Cougar? Cuntbucket more like. Over.

4 Hairspray

Jesus fucking Christ. This picture should say more than words ever could. I’ve been having paralysis-inducing night terrors for weeks now and I’ve only seen the fucking trailer. Is there really any need for this? John Travolta in a fat suit? Yeah, like the bulbous cunt really needs one. Porky prick! Look at his big fuck-off hands. I seriously doubt even DasGeordie would fuck that. We are talking a bonfide 16 pinter here. Over.

5. Look Who’s Talking

Look who’s a serious cunt. Over.

6. He is about to play J.R in the big screen version of DALLAS

What a fantastic fucking idea. Fucking genius. It’s going to be helmed by the directing powerhouse that is.........Gurinder Chadha! She was the stunning talent behind such classics as BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM , BRIDE AND PREJUDICE and, erm, BHAJI ON THE BEACH. How can this Travolta/Chadha team-up possibly fail? Easy. It’s going to be FUCKING WANK! Who in their right mind greenlit this project? Probably the same retarded shit-spanner that greenlit THE DUKES OF HAZZARD. I used to love Dallas when I was a kid. It was ace. I seem to remember one of my very first wanks being over Victoria Principle. Not literally. Then there was the famous "Who Shot J.R?" storyline that had the whole world on the edge of their seats. All I ask is, if they really must insist on making a DALLAS movie, then please have the courtesy to shoot the cunt that plays J.R. For real. With a shotgun. Or maybe an uzi. THAT I would pay to see. Over.

7. Wild Hogs

I have made my thoughts on this film quite clear in the past but I must second that emotion. WILD HOGS is the type of film that only soon-to-be-on-their-arse cock-crunchers like Travolta will appear in. Tim fucking Allen is in it as well for fucks sake. And Martin cunting Lawrence. William H Macy gets off lightly here because I think he's the poodles doodles. Duller than whale shit mid-life crisis twaddle that literally makes me want to commit suicide just in case I decide to buy a Harley Davidson and wear a stupid fucking bandana. Get over it cock-knockers! The fact that WILD HOGS made a shit-load of cash in America means quite literally fuck all to me. No, that film was the beginning of the end for Captain Tub-O-Shit and DALLAS will only help in his eventual fall from grace. I reckon that in a year or two, JT's film career will be well and truly, well......over.

There you have it folks. John Travolta used to be cool but unfortunately he has since become the sort of preaching, tiresome, fat fucking arsehole that has, quite frankly, now made it impossible for me to watch PULP FICTION ever again without wanting to Fed Ex the entire Church of Scientology a massive, MASSIVE BOX OF AIDS RIDDLED CAT SHIT.

What a fucking cunt.

Why I'm Angry: The Pictorial Edition

2007-08-12T13:17:00.000+01:00

An Exciting Announcement For Gamers!

2007-08-11T12:15:00.000+01:00

That John Hannah is at it again. His modification to Stannah stair lifts that allowed the user to take a dump on their way up OR down the stairs has bombed thus keeping THE MUMMY thesp on the breadline. Until they make THE MUMMY 3 of course. However, you can't keep a good man down and today we can bring the exciting news that Mr Hannah has employed the talents of some of the best games designers and programmers from around the world to bring hardcore gamers THE JOHN HANNAH STANNAH CHALLENGE. As you can see from the screenshot below, this multi-levelled platformer will challenge even the most hardened of joystick twiddlers.

We have a press release from John Hannah himself.

Dear Mummy fans

I am pleased to announce the impending release of my new videogame THE JOHN HANNAH STANNAH CHALLENGE. I have brought together artists from ILM and coders from ROCKSTAR to give you, the gamer, the most immersive, intense, shit-collecting-tenner-borrowing gaming experience possible. I really am very proud of the achievments of all involved not least myself. As you are probably aware, HALO 3 is due out in September and that is some pretty stiff competition indeed but I have faith that THE MUMMY fans of the world will be queueing at midnight outside their local Virgin Megastore to get their hands on this baby when it's released on the same day as HALO 3. I'm THAT confident. Be warned though, this game uses a very advanced type of graphics engine known as THE SPECTRUMATOR so make sure your Xbox 360 or PS3 is up to the job. This fucker's frame rate is through the roof.

Happy gaming!

John soon-to-be-minted Hannah.

TRAILER REVIEW: Bratz

2007-08-08T22:03:00.000+01:00

I know what you're thinking... "Bratz? He'll fucking DESPISE that, why is he reviewing the trailer?" To that I'll say, HAVE YOU READ THIS FUCKING SITE BEFORE? I actively seek out things I will hate and that will make me angry. I have been unfortunately exposed to the BRATZ animated series through my job and it makes me want to beat every girl under the age of 16 with paddles until all they want are hessian sacks and Big Macs. If I had kids, they would not be allowed to watch this utter shit and the fact they're making a live action film of it - No, HAVE ALREADY made a film of it - makes me grind my teeth even more than normal. I am well on the way to Quentin-Tarantino-in-FROM DUSK TILL DAWN-having-to-wear-a-mouthguard territory. Anyway, on with proceedings.

Even the fucking font irritates me. And where the fuck is this supposed to be set? "Ooh, that's Backlotsville, just past ImaginaryHighSchoolLand and before you reach NotBasedInReality Village." 'This Summer' is handy to know. It allows me time for weapons prep and urban combat training.

Look at these cunts. What the fuck are you so happy about? Bizarrely, I never used to play Which One Would You? with the cartoon. I could tell you in a heartbeat in which order I would fuck the girls from TOTALLY SPYZ, but BRATZ girls were so bizarrely asexual and... just fucking irritating that I couldn't bring to sexualise pre-teens. And that's not like me.

Oh my god, "BFFs!" Blindingly Fucking Fitties? Backdoor Fits Fine? Boobs Firmly Fitted? Oh, sorry girls, they're obviously Best Friends Forever. BOLLOCKS. These girls are going to realise that their best friend status comes into question as soon as they make higher education choices and find a man and get a job. They'll never speak to these girls again. Years from now, when Chloe is up to her neck in diapers, having had to give up on law school and her husband is out banging his secretary like James Spader, she'll reminisce about those stupid girls she hung out with in school.

The first chance to assess the relative merits of these RADA-trained actresses. So obviously WOULD, WOULDN'T, WOULD, WOULDN'T. The blondey looks like she has potential. The goth one is... Well, she's a bit goth, in't she? Fuck that! The next one looks like Joss Stone. Joss Stone being one of those unfortunate girls who you would fuck like a dog with two cocks right up until she opened her mouth. And the one on the end is the Generic Minority. She's fine and all that, but a bit plain. Also, girls, what did you think would happen when you left junior school? You'd go to Mystic Magic Land and play with unicorns? Of course you're going to high school, you fucknuts.

Yeah, no metal detectors, no litter, no graffiti - this is definitely Mystic Magic Land. If this was set in my high school, there'd be a bunch of kids sniffing glue, massive rain puddles, everything would be stolen and you'd shit your bricks just walking to class. (This is an actual lie, I went to a really nice school full of Tarquins. Cunts.)

This is the evil Prom Queen the girls will have to fight for the popularity of their class-mates. You can tell she's the evil Prom Queen because she's ever so slightly uglier than our heroines. And, I'm not spoiling it for you here, but I'm guessing she's going to get her come-uppance at some point and maybe even learn a valuable lesson of some kind. This girl will be MD of some company by 30 and grinding girls like the BRATZ into her heels as she clambers up the business ladder.

Wow, Blondey gets better with every frame! I'd bang that into next week. Also, note how the girls look like they're being played by their mums. Are there really no good teenage actresses that don't look like they have a pension scheme and a mortgage?

Here, evil Prom Queen explains the complicated arrangement for lunchtime. Who sits where, basically. I think she has this chart laminated. I bet she prefers to masturbate with a slide rule than a dildo. You can't see at this res, but it basically subdivides into cliques. You see, cliques are bad. People don't integrate, they hide in the corners. Cliques are status quo and the BRATZ are here to mix it up! Fuck off, girls, the nerds no more want to talk to the jocks than the jocks actually want to talk to the science geeks. FUCK OFF, GIRLS!

Has anybody actually ever seen nerds that looked like this? Even in their unco-ordination, they are co-ordinated. Not one of them looks like they'v got scabies and grows rats. Also, I counted at least two birds there, which is wrong on many levels.

Goths are great. They're the only group it's OK to hate because they hate themselves just as much! What are you going to say to them, "Your entire life sucks, dude!" "Yes, I know, my life is a shambles." "Er... Yeah! It is! Fuck..." I fucking hate goths. And for some reason, goth in this country has re-labelled itself Emo and now it's OK to be goth. When I were a lad you'd get bottled just for looking at black makeup. And rightly so. No, I did not grow up in Yorkshire in the 1940s.

Oh my god, how much does she look like Joss Stone? She's totally putting me off my stroke on Blondey. Even when I put my (left) hand over her face, I keep imagining her talking in some faux Devon/American accent. But just look at Blondey, even in a kids film she's still got porn face. I wonder how many dicks she had to suck to get to where she is today. I think I'll wonder about that for another few minutes actually...

Oh no! The plot is set! The girls refuse to adhere to the Rules of the Playground and now evil Prom Queen must show them the error of their ways whilst learning a valuable lesson. Do you even need to see the rest of the film? I mean, seriously, is there not a person with half a brain-cell who couldn't do a damn good job of writing a semi-plausible version of the rest of the story? Is this what you want your kids to watch? Bullshit about being friends and looking good and how everybody bonds if they just talk and... THAT'S NOT HIGH SCHOOL! Larry Clark's KIDS is what kids are really like. This bears no resemblance to what kids are actually like. Fuck, SOUTH PARK is more realistic than BRATZ and that has fucking aliens in it. So I couldn't be arsed to do scans of the rest of the trailer - this will have to do to sum it up for you.

Yeah, lots of montages of food fights and parties and cute boys and the girls falling out, only to bond again in time for the climactic finale which involves them >SHUDDER< putting on a song and dance routine for the inevitable single launch. I despise this kind of children's film. I'd rather the kids went to see fucking TRANSFORMERS, that has more to say to them than this dross.

CUNTZ, more like.

At what point did "Oh My God" become too long a sentence to say? There isn't a word in there with more than three letters. I fucking despise text talk. I send a lot of texts and still consider it a cardinal crime to abbreviate anything. That's just utter laziness. And when I get a text from one of my younger friends and it's full of "BRB" and other such optical AIDS, I wish I had a Young Person's Decoder Ring sometimes. Or some way of giving them a nut-kick down the phone.

I will most certainly not be seeing this film, even if I got free tickets and Blondey offered to blow me during the trailers. The only way I would ever see this film is if I was captured behind enemy lines and Al Qaeda had it on a perpetual loop to torture inmates. And even then, I'd probably claw my eyes out first. I'd rather have fatal syphilis than see this film.

Faaarkin 'Ell Mush! Sweet As! No Word Of A Lie Mush!

2007-08-08T21:42:00.000+01:00

Oi! Oi! You 'eard abaht this yet? They're only gonna go and make a fackin' movie of my favourite fackin' TV show of all time. THE FARKIN' SWEENEY! I'm over the fackin' moon mush. I've got the fackin' boxsets on DV-farkin-D and watch them every night after I've given the trouble and strife a couple of slaps and told 'er to fack off to bed. That show was the fackin' nuts I can tell ya. John Thaw was one naughty cahnt and Dennis Waterman was sweet as an' all. Yeah, two naughty cahnts goin' rahnd in that farkin' sweet Ford Capri giving the underworld major bovver. "SHHHUUUUUUUT IIIITTTTTTTT! YOU CAHNT!" he used to say. I'm not blowin' me own trumpet like but I 'ad a small part in an episode in series two. Here's a farkin' pic if you don't believe me.

Nah, the TV show was a blinder, but the movie could be the best fackin' movie since SCUM. That talented cahnt, Nick Love is directing it. He made THE FOOTBALL FACTORY and THE BUSINESS wiv the farkin' duke in 'em. Sahnds sweet already but it gets fackin' better mush. Ray The Diamond Geezer Winstone is in it. STRIKE A FARKIN' LIGHT MUSH! Proper messed me strides when I 'eard that news. The Farkin' Duke ain't been cast yet but you just know he'll be in the cahnt. HE'S THE FARKIN' DUKE FOR FACKS SAKE! Anyway, they start filmin' the facker later in the year. I was gonna look waaayyy into the farkin' future to see this but I'm gonna watch this at the fackin' flicks on the big screen like. Might even take me chavvies like. Show them wot proper movies are abaht. Not THRUSH HOUR FARKIN' 3! Seen that by the way. FACKIN' PONY MATE!

I'm off to watch me SWEENEY boxset aga.......hold on........"Oi! Barbara! If you dahnt put them little chavvie cahnts to bed soon you're face is gonna have a meeting wiv my farkin fist. Then fack off to bed will ya. I'm watching The faaaaarrrrrkin' Sweeney!".............sorry abaht that guv. Fackin' women!

Stay 'aht of trouble cahnts.

Kazzam!

A Film I Defo Wanna See!

2007-08-07T21:32:00.002+01:00

A very exciting sequel to an utterly wank film.

Why I Am Angry: The Pictorial Edition

2007-08-07T21:32:00.001+01:00

Now I know there's a slight hypocrisy in me mentioning people who have Facebook accounts make me angry in my last post and me now telling you I have a Facebook account... Well, I don't really care. I've worn a scarf indoors as well. You'd probably punch me in the face if you met me. The moment that Two Angry Men gets a MySpace page, though, is when you are officially allowed to hate us.

Anyway, the Social Networking Tool that is Facebook allows us to bridge the gaps of distance as if we were standing alongside one another, to catch up with people you've not seen in years, to communicate with your friends even when they're not around and, most importantly, to call your mates a cunt 24 HOURS A DAY. Yes, the moment I allowed my friends to draw graffiti on my home-page was the moment I realised that I have the WORST friends in the world.

It starts off quite tame with this little number. I'm guessing that the deviant who drew this was really impressed with his artistic ability and that he's comparing me to Leonardo DiCaprio in That Shit Movie About A Boat That Sinks.

So I insulted him back by calling him an iceberg and I get this. Strangely, this two panel sequence is actually more enjoyable than the entire of TITANIC and sums up the story in the space of five seconds it takes to scan them. Fuck you, Cameron!

Points deducted for drawing such shit stick figures and for not realising that most people aren't actually blue. This cunt thinks nothing of a slow build to the explosive finale and instead launches right into a combination of Your Mum jokes and Holocaust humour. Normally two humour topics that rarely mix, but I admire his tenacity.

This, however, is what happens when you watch the ARISTOCRATS joke performed one too many times. Note the recurring theme of Hitler appearing to one side. You see, THIS is how you do comedy.

This is just shit. I was going to give her (And yes, this was drawn by a woman) bonus points for some good pube distribution, but no... A weak effort at a Your Mum joke. What if my mum actually was a man? CARELESS MISTAKE.

An early misguided effort from another female friend. No use of illustration, just a bold statement. I have obviously blotted out my real name, just imagine it was crudely drawn too. Lacks imagination.

This is miles better, containing a piss-poor drawing of me wearing glasses (A recurring theme in most illustrations even though I barely ever wear glasses) and some quite intelligent insults. I DO have no soul, it's true, and I also DO have lots of condoms. This cut me to the quick.

This was not, in fact, drawn by the pseudonymous "Ian" character, but by another female friend (Three female friends and you still sit at home and blog? LOSER!). I am not gay. I might accidentally sashay from time to time, but I am all man. Terrible illustration, though, yet again depicting me with glasses and stupid hair.

A bit more imaginative, with its evocation of REM lead-singer Michael Stipe. Michael Stipe being the poster child for being RIDDLED with the Bad AIDS. I don't have the Bad AIDS. Or the Good Aids. I am completely free of any form of STD.

Here, I have had to be quite imaginative to cover up my job. I work in an unspecified role in television. No, I am not Trevor McDonald's fluffer. This is the kind of almost WHERE'S WALLY?-esque illustration that I would be happy to be insulted by every day. I'm tempted to get it put on a t-shirt. Notice the bones of the already dead women I have buried under my house. Notice the recurring theme of Hitler. Notice the attention to detail on the whip and the cage. Somebody spent a looong time with their quivering mouse slowly drawing wobbly lines as they masturbated furiously with their other hand. Cunt.

Any illustration where you have to type out what it actually is is a poor illustration. Also, when you write out what it is and I can't even understand your writing, you need to go back to Insult School. Also, it's factually inaccurate as I only ever take advantage of drunk girls full stop. They need not have "Big waps", merely have drunk enough to not remember my face in a police line-up.

This shows both artistic flair and an imagination. I was never attacked by a pigeon whilst eating a pork pie but I COULD HAVE BEEN. Also, I wasn't wearing spack specs when I was eating the aforementioned pork pie, but I COULD HAVE BEEN. Also, the effort that went into this female actually buying me a pork pie just to take the piss should be admired. That's dedication to insultery.

Yes, the reason why I am so angry is because of shit like this. Social network? SCHMOCIAL NETWORK!

World >fnar< Of >titter< War >giggles< Craft >cackles< Movie >pisses pants< Planned

2007-08-06T22:03:00.000+01:00

"Want To Learn Some Details About The Proposed WORLD OF WARCRAFT Film?!" expounds the header on Ain't It Cool's reportage of the, you guessed it, potential WORLD OF WARCRAFT film. I say "potential" because there is as much chance of this film seeing the light of day as there is Lindsay Lohan passing a piss-test. I, for one, am quite happy about this for several different reasons. What's that, Sparky? You think I'm going to do a bullet-point list? And swear a lot? And little Tim's fallen in the well? FUCK OFF AND CHEW A BONE, HAIR-BALL.

For those of you who go about your day-to-day life with nary a care in the world, talking to strangers, nipping to the shops, hitting the gym, meeting your girlfriend for cocktails and, most importantly, washing your bell-end from time to time, WORLD OF WARCRAFT is an Online Massively Multi-Player Roleplaying Game. Basically, a bunch of losers get together and pretend to be dwarfs and twat computer characters with sticks and then backslap each other over a job well done. I.e. they are cunts. If you are reading this and thinking I'm being a bit harsh on them, FUCK YOU! If you like playing WORLD OF WARCRAFT and are about to send me a lengthy hate-mail, FUCK YOU TOO!

(Note the irony of a man who writes a blog on the internet about TRANSFORMERS and BATMAN taking the piss out of people who play WORLD OF WARCRAFT.)

Anyway, on with the bullet-point list action! Ooh, today I'm going to spoil you with a numbered list! WOWZERS!

This "film" is blatantly an attempt to grab some of the tall LORD OF THE RINGS dollars that Hollywood execs imagine is out there waiting for them. I don't know how well THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA did, but I can tell you it was SHIT and TOO LONG and PREACHY and AN OVERLY-OBVIOUS CHRISTIAN ALLEGORY and HAD FUCKING CHILDREN IN IT. LORD OF THE RINGS was successful solely because it's based on one of the most successful series of books of all time. Case in point - Harry Potter. People would not go see the Harry Potter films if it wasn't for the books. Those films would not even GET MADE based on the shitty scripts, lack of original material and terrible lead actors.
Yes, I'm going to go there, fucktards - but anybody who would actually go and SEE a WORLD OF WARCRAFT film is most definitely a virgin. If they aren't a virgin, it means they found one of the rare female nerds with even lower self-esteem than them and convinced them to let them put all inch of their stump up her thatch for all three minutes before he cries out Green Lantern's oath as he pumps 30 years of backed-up jism into her mothball-crammed clunge. "In deepest day, in darkest >UNGH!< night, no evil shall >HUNNGNGNGNGNGN!< escape... That's it, Xena, I'm nearly there..."

Just because you have shot your muck in or around a woman doesn't necessarily mean you are no longer a virgin. You are making a mockery of the act of sexual intercourse. There should be grades of virginity and if you've only ever convinced mentally drained nerdettes who are grateful for any attention and access to your backlot of Neo Geo ROMS to touch your tiny withered member then you are still a virgin in my eyes. Any woman who will fizz at the bunghole for Captain Jean-Luc Picard isn't really trying very hard anyway.
Not only is it an immensely misguided attempt to get some of the tall LOTR dollar (And I hate typing acronyms, but I've just discovered a variant of RSI called LOTR finger and don't want to end up with spack hands at aged 30), but it's also a misguided attempt to get some of the tall WOW dollar. Yes, more acronyms, YC (You Cunt). "People" who spend money on WORLD OF WARCRAFT are doing it so they can interact with other "people" without fear of bumping into actual real people who may point out they smell, are virgins, are ugly and smell. They do it so they can pretend to be great knights without actually getting off their fat arses. They are not going to go to the cinema to watch a film where they don't even get to play, especially don't get to talk to other nerds and have to follow a story rather than "a game plan".

If they even want to see the film, people like this will download it. They will not go to the cinema to see it because while they're away, somebody could steal their +10 Sword Of Killing Stuff And Things or goblins could raid their secret lair or mummy could discover that secret stash of BARELY LEGAL Vol. 1-18 glued to the underside of your bed with man-fat. Cinemas are full of people and you need to be in close proximity to them. IMAGINE!
This film is listed as being a $100m property. Admittedly, that's probably only about £27.50 thanks to the exchange rate, but is still a lot of money. I expect it to make back somewhere in the region of £27.50. A better way to market this to the intended audience would be to only let them watch 20 minutes a month and then force them to setup a direct debit for £39.99 a month to get the next installment. Also, if you gave them a 30-day trial of CITY OF HEROES or something they might go. Or promised them Alyson Hannigan was waiting in Row G, absolutely frothing at the gash for some hot nerd on nerd action.
It's a shit game based on a shit real-time strategy game with zero originality and everything's been cribbed from LORD OF THE RINGS and nobody wants to see a film of it as it'll look like a third-rate LOTR. When all the WORLD OF WARCRAFT players have to embarrasingly say that it's more about the immersive experience than the actual story, they will look even bigger cunts than they were before. And let's be honest, admitting you are a huge fan of the game WORLD OF WARCRAFT is like saying you enjoy Mel Gibson's dad's views on World War Two.
"The film itself will revolve around a 'badass' new hero," quoth the press release. First of all, you don't tell us your hero is badass, he proves his badassery by being a badass in the film and then we let you know if he's a badass or not. Secondly, it's fucking "bad-ass" you sub-ameoboid cunt. The greatest bad-asses of cinema history proved themselves by just generally being fucking mental and by being in ace films. This film will be shit so you've got that against you already. Also, the kind of nerds who like WORLD OF WARCRAFT think all you need to be a bad-ass is designer stubble and a large weapon. Well, I've got both of those (fnar!) and I'm the least bad-ass person in England, probably. Having scars does not make you bad-ass, I've got plenty of scars from Unidentified Drinking Injuries. Having a cool made-up name doesn't make you cool, I've... Uh, never mind. Bad-ass in the mind of nerd is some highly unoriginal stereotype. Bruce Willis in DIE HARD is bad-ass, but then so is Arnie in PREDATOR and they're pretty different in terms of personality/looks/whatever.
It was announced at BlizzCon 2007, which is quite possibly the cuntiest place on the planet outside of my bedroom. I'll be honest with you, in my past, I have been to a comic convention. It was only a UK one and I didn't dress up and I didn't buy any collectables, I went to meet friends and it happens we are all into comics. I'm not proud of what I did and luckily I've managed to have sexual relations with women afterwards so the stench hasn't stuck. But going to a WORLD OF WARCRAFT convention is essentially like admitting you've given up on life.
I discovered this disturbing website during my research and it is the reason that everybody on the internet ever should go outside and breathe some fresh air. THERE IS ACTUAL PORN ON THE INTERNET, FUCK-SPANNERS! You can download actual tits of actual birds and they will actually move. And not jerk like a spastic through their motion-captured routines, you toss-bucket. I hope anybody who has ever watched this and pulled their pudding gets lesions on their bell-end and flies nesting in their pubes.
Video-game adaptations are universally shit. I know, cos I've fucking seen var nigh every one ever made. I have yet to see DEAD OR ALIVE, which is about the only video-game adaptation I could justify. And that's only in case there's a bit of Holly Vallance side boob action going on. And this is me after just chastising men for watching shitty WOW porn. Yes, I'll sit through two hours of Fucking Monkey-Jizz Stains just for the off-chance of a bit of side boob. Maybe I'm the one who needs to get out more?
Didn't we learn that making films based on nerds leads to shit like SNAKES ON A PLANE? Didn't we all realise that nerds no fucking nothing about making films and are basically nerds for that exact reason. They might watch a lot of films, but that doesn't necessarily make you an expert. No, what makes you an expert is having a movie blog where you say "cunt" a lot. Obviously. And I'm not going to go into detail about SNAKES ON A PLANE because that's a whole posts worth of material. That's a fucking WEEKS worth of posts. And yet, bizarrely, even though Sam Jackson's been in some terrible cuntbiscuits for films, he always gets off scott free. I mean, he was in the fucking PHANTOM MENACE for Jehovah's sake! Nobody should have been allowed to do anything after that.

Anyway, I promise to eat my own shit live on YouTube if this film actually comes out at all in a cinematic release. I actually promise to eat Crabman's shit live on YouTube if it turns out to be anything other than formulaic dross of the worst kind. They'd be better off spending that $100m on buying ThighMasters for all the cunts currently playing WORLD OF WARCRAFT if you ask me...

The John Hannah Chronicles

2007-08-06T21:33:00.000+01:00

Friday 7pm and John Hannah fancies a pint but he's completely skint.

GRINDHOUSE: Crabman's Review

2007-08-04T20:31:00.001+01:00

Last month I posted an article about how pissed off I was that Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez’s GRINDHOUSE was not going to be shown in it’s original back-to-back format when released in Europe, instead the studio opting for individual extended cuts of PLANT TERROR and DEATH PROOF released separately on different dates. This decision by the Weinsteins was largely due to the fact that the American audience didn’t “get” the double feature format with many people leaving after the first film. That pissed me off. “How stupid can Americans be? Stop ruining it for everyone else.” I thought. I have since realised that people probably left the cinema after the first feature because it was FUCKING SHIT and they weren’t prepared to waste another 90 minutes our their lives watching Tarantino have a very public wank at the expense of his fans.

I had the opportunity to watch the original back-to-back version today via a perfectly legitimate source on the interweb and I have to say that it is one on the most self indulgent, boring, moronic piles of wank I have had the misfortune to sit through in a long time. This is bizarre. I should like GRINDHOUSE. Zombies, gore, women with M16s for legs, tits, swearing, Kurt Russell. The lot. But I’m sorry to say that I was bored shitless after about 45 minutes, fucking furious after 100 minutes and in a coma after 185 minutes. Why?

Planet Terror

This is the better of the two features but It’s still garbage and Robert Rodriguez needs to seriously grow the fuck up. I love zombie films, in particular George Romero zombie films, but Rodriguez just fills the screen with as much over the top gore as he can without giving the narrative, if there is one, an ounce of substance. Romero always had an underlying intelligent subtext to his zombie films and that’s probably why they have become such classics. I have a feeling that no-one will remember PLANET TERROR in about a year and that’s a good thing. I am aware that it was probably just supposed to be a bit of fun but it doesn't even manage to be that. It’s like it was directed by a spotty, nerdy film student who has never had sex. Or friends. It’s THAT BAD. Rodriguez better make sure that SIN CITY 2 is fucking amazing otherwise he will lose all credibility as far as I’m concerned.

It did have Michael Biehn in it though. He's fucking ace. Go Hicks!

The Fake Trailers

I’d seen the Eli Roth fake trailer for THANKSGIVING a while back and quite liked it but after seeing all of them within the main feature all it felt like was a bunch a bum-chum, back-slapping morons giving each other reach-arounds. It made me quite angry actually. “Hey, look! We're all really good mates and we can do whatever the fuck we like no matter how self-serving it is. Fuck the audience. We rock!” Utter cunts. Rob Zombie in particular. Also, Edgar Wright has gone way down in my estimation by being involved in this bucket of shit but more importantly because he hangs around with Quention Tarantino these days which leads me to.......

Death Proof

BOOOOORING! Seriously fucking boring. I mean, I'd-rather-watch-Spider-Man 3-again boring. Tarantino has gone so far up his own areshole that he thinks the audience are quite willing to watch an opening ten minutes involving a group of cheerleader types just talking. About nothing. I’m sick of his “dialogue style” now. It was fresh and exciting back when RESEVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION were released but it’s now so tired, cliched and just plain fucking irritating that I struggled watching DEATH PROOF. Tarantino even references his own fucking films now. At one point the character he plays knocks back a shot of whisky and says, with a big shit-eating grin on his face “Now that's a tasty beverage!”. Ha ha ha. How incredibly clever. Twat! Tarantino’s ego has taking ahold of his soul and turned him into a complete fucking cunt. I genuinely hate him now and I’ll find it very difficult to watch his earlier films again without wanting to join Al Qaeda. Even Kurt Russell, who I love, can’t save it from being a total fucking drag. I dread to think what the extended cuts are like when they get released here. My advice is DON’T FUCKING BOTHER. Do not pander to this stupid cunts ego anymore. Please.

By the way, Tarantino should NEVER act again. EVER! He's fucking embarrasing to watch. Narcissistic prick.

The Film Degradation, Sound Dropouts and Missing Reels

I understand that GRINDHOUSE is a big homage to the double bills of the late seventies and poor sound, missing reels and scratched prints were a mainstay back then but when used in GRINDHOUSE you can almost hear Tarantino giggling to himself while thinking how fucking great he and Rodriguez are and how clever and "ironic" it is to make a modern film nigh on unwatchable. The sound drop outs and scratched print novelty became dull after five fucking minutes. And I’m sorry, but missing a reel out ON PURPOSE is just plain idiotic. Absolute shite. Anyone who buys this on HD DVD or Blu-Ray when it comes out is a fucking imbecile.

So, if you are reading this Quentin or Robert, please grow up, stop indulging yourselves in geeky wankfests and get back to making films that matter. I’m glad GRINDHOUSE bombed in the US and I hope it fucking bombs everywhere else. Cunts!

A Man You Can Trust

2007-08-04T18:56:00.000+01:00

Why We Are Angry: The List (Part Two)

2007-08-02T20:52:00.000+01:00

DasDeordie has set the ball rolling with things that make us truly angry but I thought I would add my two cents just for the fact that I am in a fucking shit mood. So, here's my starter list.

Johnny Borrell, people who like Johnny Borrell, Kirsten Dunst for shagging Johnny Borrell, Johnny Borrell's mum, banks, banks that keep asking you if you need a bigger overdraft, overdrafts, students who don't have to pay overdraft charges, the NUS, members of the NUS, posh students that look down their fucking nose at you, students that don't wash, students that do wash, Rob Zombie, Rob Zombie's fans, crippling mortgage payments, mortgage interest rates, Gordon Brown, politics, people who talk about politics, Posh Spice, David Beckham, premature ejaculation, brewer's droop, weak beer, students who drink weak beer, students who drink at all, people who don't like John Carpenter films, John Carpenter's later films, strangers who fart near you, my farts, dog farts, student farts, Guiness shits, shits with jaggedy peanuts in them, shits that you have after eating a Chinese which smell just like black bean sauce thus making you hungry whilst taking said shit, students who pay £1300 worth of bills in SPAR, men with cunt hair, men with hair, women who think it's clever to cock tease, slags, people who interrupt you, people in general, the price of deoderant, laptops that crash just when you've nearly finished downloading TRANSFORMERS, people who thought TRANSFORMERS was wank, dry wanking, dry heaving, the HD DVD/Blu-Ray war, having to sell your XBOX so you can eat, people who don't swear, people who use the word "wicked!", British sitcoms, sitcoms, TV, beer guts, liver disease, Chris Tucker, people who find Chris tucker funny, Chris Tucker's mum, attractive lesbians, unattractive lesbians, BMW drivers, drivers, people who ride their bikes on the fucking path and expect you to get out of the way, spack-bangers, jizz-jugglers, rim-jimmys, Tim Allen, Blockbuster Video, people who still refer to DVDs as videos, people who still use videos, the fact that a new Batman film isn't released every week, the fact that a new Rush Hour film is released every week, women that haven't mastered sucking dick, sucking dick, cunnilingus, Air Lingus, airports, neighbours, neighbours that are students, neighbours that call you a fat, bald wanker with no charisma but don't have the fucking bollocks to say it to your face, council tax, tax, VAT, shit wages, working, students who don't work, students who do work, Orlando Bloom, Orland Bloom's uncle, mobile phones, Ugly Betty, people who think I sound like Paul Merton, cold weather, hot weather, moderate weather, weather, weathermen, people who don't like Credence Clearwater Revival, Elton John, middle aged people who still go to nightclubs, nightclubs, wanky wine bars, hangovers, alarm clocks, unhygenic women, hygenic women, anyone who thought The Da Vinci Code was mint, people who read The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown, getting your pubes trapped in your foreskin, foreskins, shaking your dick after a piss then putting it back in your pants only for another 2 litres to come out and give you a BIG FUCK OFF PISS PATCH just as you are about to go back to your desk at work, marzipan and, finally, this utter wanker called Jon Brown who calls himself a "comedy writer" (instant cunt) but who's blog is about as funny as PATCH FUCKING ADAMS!

That's better.

Why We Are Angry: The List (Part One)

2007-08-02T20:00:00.001+01:00

Some of you out there might be wondering why myself and Crabman are so angry all the time. Years of childhood abuse? Mental health problems? A disappointment in modern day life? NO! We're angry because the world is full of cunts. And in what is sure to be a regularly updated post, I would like to offer you a short list of all the reasons why I am angry. So, deep breath...

People who wear hats, people who wear sunglasses at night, people who wear scarves indoors, people who wear sunglasses, scarves and hats indoors, people who walk slowly, people who stop inadvertently, people who ask you to do surveys in the street, people who try and sell you Big Issue in the street, people in the street who aren't you or your friends, your friends, your friends' friends, friends of the family, your family, your friends' family's, people who buy non-essential items of clothing, students, students who have money, students who wear pajamas outside, students who pay for drinks on credit cards, students in large groups who INDIVIDUALLY pay for their drinks on credit cards, students who drink soft drinks in pubs, students who ask for discounts, students who don't pay council tax (All of them), people who talk on buses, people who talk to you on buses, people who play music on buses, charvas, charvas who play music on buses, charvas who want to borrow 57p to get home, charvas who want to borrow 57p to get home, but really need it to score crack, crack-heads, stoners, pill-poppers, drunks who have the indignity to not be quietly drunk, women, women who talk to you, women who talk to other women, woman who talk to you about other women, women who talk to you about anything other than Optimus Prime or Green Lantern, women who have crap taste in music, women who have no taste in music, women who don't put out, women who expect you to buy them drinks then don't put out, women who expect you to buy them drinks, women who can't operate technology (All of them), women who text you all the time about nothing whatsoever, women who aren't buried under my patio (Most of them), children, children with no mother looking after them, children with a mother looking after them, but it makes no difference, children who talk, children who eat, children who breathe, children who long for a good sound thrashing but it never materialises, old people who walk slowly, old people who walk at a moderate pace, old people who get in your way in the post office, old people who smell of piss, old people who give me the cold every time I sit in a doctor's waiting room, old people who haven't died yet and should have, students, students with expensive cars, students who are dirty, students who tell you they are 19, but are actually a lot younger when you wake up without beer goggles on, students who have nothing to talk about except being a student, anybody at "uni", fit women, fit women who won't talk to you, fit women who wear low-cut tops and then give you funny looks when you stare at their tits, people who get drunk but aren't you or your mates, cunts, twats, shit-heads, cock-knockers, fuck-sticks, twat-handles, beggars, gypsies, gypsies who try to sell you clothes pegs, gypsies who hang out at fairgrounds trying to rob you, gypsies who have small horses that they feed coke cans, people who like hardcore rave, people who like r&b, people who like Tangerine Dream (Ha ha), people who like prog rock from the 70s, people who don't have the same taste in music as me, people who like The Feeling, people who enjoy watching Big Brother, anybody that has ever voluntarily watched Heartbeat, people who like Legally Blonde, people who like Monster-in-Law, people who like Bridget Jones 1 and 2, people who like Bridget Jones 1 and 2 and have read the books, children who read Harry Potter, adults who read Harry Potter, Harry Potter, people who don't rate Crank in their top ten action films of all time, people who don't rate Crank, people who use public transport that aren't me, people who get in my way at the bar, people who look down on me as I have a fag outside the pub, people who make me smoke outside pubs, any cunt who has ever gone out drinking in fancy dress, people on hen dos or stag nights that have specially printed t-shirts, students who go out dressed in togas, students, girls that make me go to the cinema to watch Pride & Prejudice, anybody that likes Pride & Prejudice, people who don't think this site is funny, people who say we swear too much, people who talk to you in pubs who you don't know and don't have breasts, people who talk to you in pubs, people who listen in to your conversations, women who give me death stares for No Apparent Reason, people who think they are better than you even though you're fucking awesome, people who have MySpace pages, people who have Bebo pages, people who have Facebook pages, people who use online dating, people who marry women they met through online dating, people who wear scarves and sunglasses indoors whilst online dating and finally, everybody else who isn't me or Crabman.

That's only the start, I've missed quite a few off there for a later update and I'm sure Crabman has about a billion more to add to that list. Our hatred knows no bounds and now I hope you can see why we get so angry all the time. Well, that and the fact we both are borderline bi-polar and need to get out more/less.

Mystic Review Pizza: Indiana Jahhhns 4

2007-08-01T18:31:00.000+01:00

OI! OI! Faaarkin 'ell mush! I'm one gifted cahnt me. You see that poster up top? Yeah? Look at the farkin' release date. 2000 and farrrrkin 8. Mind you, fack knows what Memorial Day is. Fackin' yank wanks! Anyway, the two faggot facks that run this pile of shite site asked me, again, to look waaaaaaaay into the farkin' future to see if I could review the new Indiana Jaahhns fillum and I'm well chuffed to report that I saw the whole fackin fing today. I normally just duz a short bit but I fought this time I would do it a bit like the cahnts on 'ere do it and tell you wot's shit and wot's not shit abaht this fillum that ain't even been faarrrrkin made yet. Ere goes cahnts!

Wot's Not Shit!

The farkin daddy is in it. Ray The Diamond Gezzer Winstone. Gawd bless the cahnt!

Wot's Shit!

Shit 'ead Le Beef is in it as Indy's facking son. Nah, normally I wouldn't mind this but he ain't no Gary Oldman. Know wot I mean? The cahnt is a bit of a wet facker in my opinion and could do wiv a slap, although the trouble and strife and me two teapot lids laaaarved the cahnt. They can see into the future too by the farkin' way.
The title is proper wank mush. It's called INDIANA JAHNS AND THE FARKIN JEW. I mean, are the film makers trying to fackin' offend me or summit? Some of my best china plates are Jews. I know Spielbergs a fackin Jew but this gave me the right hump I can tell ya. The story, if you can call it that, is simply abaht Indy and his Jew mate going on a quest to find some 'olocaust survivors. Fackin' pony mate! Oh yeah, those faarrrrkin' Nazis are back an' all. Just for a fackin change.
There is a serious lack of minge in it. That fackin ugly munter from the first fillum is back as Marion. Fack me mush. I wouldn't touch 'er wiv yours mush. She must 'ave a minge like Saddam's cave. Indy even facks the old slag in it which was a bit embarrasing as I was looking waaaay in to the farkin future wiv me farkin faaaahmily to watch this and I don't like me little chavvies to watch people fackin' onscreen. Aht of fackin' order!
That faaaarrrrkin theme tune gets right up my fackin jacksy. Williams! FARK ORF! Unoriginal cahnt. Wot this fillum needed was a soundtrack made up of good old joanna ping-pong-diddly-ding-dongs. "Knees up muvver brahn, knees up muvver brahn". Sweet as!
'Eres the main problem wiv this fillum. 'Arrison Fackin' Ford is waaaaay too farkin old. I mean, he's a right old gadgie. Nearly 90 last fing I 'eard. Nah, that's just plain wrong mush. He spent most of the time walkin' arahnd wiv shit all dahn his strides and that. Dirty cahnt. If he wasn't shittin' 'imself he was dribbling like some proper mong. Apparently, the cahnt even 'ad a stuntman to blink for him as he is on proper deafs door like. That's fackin Spielbergs fault that. Give the old cahnt some farkin' dignity and let him shit 'imself in a nursin' 'ome or summit. I reckon this fillum could have been saved from being such a massive bucket of wank if they got my boy to play Indy. That's right. The farkin' duke 'imself. Danny Dyer! He would 'ave been proper sweet as Jaahhns.

"OI! Shortraaaahnd! Get in the truck you cahnt and stop fackin abaaaaahnt! Fackin' chinks. Be the farkin' deaf of me they will. No word of a lie mush. Nah, wears my farkin 'at gone? MY OLD MAN'S A DUSTMAN. HE WEARS A DUSTMANS 'AT. OI!"

So, there you 'ave it. Fackin' shit if I'm honest. Knew it would be. Crapman said he reckoned it would be too. Cocky cahnt! Anyway, I'm orf to the club to get shit-faced wiv me mates. Stay aht of trouble cahnts.

Kazzam!

MYSTIC EDIT: Sorry if my cockney slang is getting a bit aht ov 'and. I can't faaarrrrrrkin 'elp it can I.

Worst Film Poster Ever

2007-07-30T20:56:00.001+01:00

True story, Crabman's last flat had a lift in it that was made by a company called Schindler. In case you were wondering why I've just posted the most offensive, laziest, shittest post ever known to man.

Obviously if you're still reading the site and weren't put off by a fucking pizza that can see into the future, you can take ANY old shit. A fact I hope to prove over the coming months.

My favourite Bernard Manning joke - "My grandfather died at Auschwitz." PAUSE FOR SYMPATHY "Yeah, he got pissed and fell off the machine-gun tower." Bernard, you will always be in our hearts...

Cinema Employees: An Expose

2007-07-29T16:48:00.000+01:00

I know what you think, minimum wages, sweeping up popcorn, watching ARE WE DONE YET? eighteen times, serving unhappy bastards like me and Crabman all day - Working in a cinema must be a pretty crap job. Yeah, it's not spending all day watching films, it's lugging popcorn around and smiling at the fourteenth person to ask for tickets to see "That Lord of the Rings film, The Twin Towers?" and not being sick at the smell of cheese sauce. It's a crappy job. Or so I thought, but I've been doing some deep-cover work into the Real Life of a cinema employee. I spoke to a contact on the inside, let's just call him "Ian", and he enlightened me. That he's a cunt.

You see, when you're sitting in a packed, sweaty theatre that stinks of vomit, with some kid kicking the back of your chair and a group of teens having a chat and you can't hear a fucking thing... Your loyal staff member is probably having a wank in the staff toilets or sneaking off for the eighteenth sly fag of that hour. This "Ian" informed me that actually working in a cinema is a piece of piss and probably the easiest job in the world. I got the impression from my brief meeting with this character that he was sub-literate and this was the only job he could reasonably get. He shockingly informed me of spending several hours asleep in the disabled toilet, all the while, disabled people were probably shitting themselves in the aisles up and down the cinema. I will not inform you which cinema this "Ian" works for, but it's the Empire in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Fucksticks.

He was later joined by a fellow comrade, who we will call "Ross". This convict-looking motherfucker also told me that they are usually pissed at the wheel. They also conduct huge scams, steal merchandise and call customers "Cock-fuckers" to their faces. You don't even want to know what they dip in the popcorn, but it's their cocks. Fuckropes. I was utterly disgusted at this point, but had to restrain myself as I like going to the cinema and trying to optically rape one of the staff would get me barred FOR LIFE. These two reprobates also informed me that it's basically one big orgy and the staff are fucking each other over the projector at least twice a day. And that the tickets are printed on the withered leathery scalps of dead babies.

So basically, next time you're in the cinema and one of the surly, acne-ridden cunts asks you for seven-fucking-pounds or however much it is now, they are secretly laughing at you. They have the easiest job in the world and spend all their time getting pissed on cheap vodka and smoking tabs. They do no work and watch films all day. Because they're all cunts.

Why Is Robin Williams Such A Massive Cunt?

2007-07-29T14:26:00.000+01:00

It’s the eternal question isn’t it? A riddle that only the truly righteous have sought to answer but I think I've cracked the fucker. He hasn’t always been such a cunt though and just to prove that, here is a very short list of things that Robin Williams has done right throughout his career.

His early stand up was the fucking nuts.
Mork and Mindy
He hates Gary Barlow
Insomnia
Good Morning Vietnam
Death To Smoochie
That duet he did with Kylie Minogue was alright I suppose
The Bird Cage
One Hour Photo
The Fisher King

Now that I've got all the pointless fucking pleasantries out of the way let’s get down to the real nitty gritty and find out, together, why Robin Williams is such a massive cunt.

1. Dead Poets Society

Fuck me. What a gigantic pile of steaming cat shit that film is. I mean, who the fuck wants to watch a film about a classroom full of shit-stabbers that get into poetry on the say-so of a boring, snobby, unrealistic and quite frankly cunty teacher played by Williams. It’s one of the dullest films I have ever seen. Apparently, the kids sneak off during the night and sit in a cave and read poetry to each other by candlelight. Not gay then. Fucking stupid. When I was that age at school we used to sneak out at night yes, but to watch hardcore porn, drink Budweiser and wank ourselves silly. Manly. So please, fuck off with that bollocks. One of the main characters hangs himself towards the end of the film obviously due to the fact that he just found out that he had at least another 25 classes with that twat of a teacher.

“Oh captain, my Captain”

FUCK OFF!

2. Mrs Doubtfire

I know loads of people that like this film but I also hate those people with a passion normally only reserved for paedophiles and students. As you all know, Williams splits up from his wife and loses custody of his kids (who need a good fucking kicking if you ask me) and decides that only way he can see said kids on a regular basis is to drag up as a shit-scary, fat Scottish old granny and baby sit the little shits. Yeah, that’s exactly what I would have done too. Fuck going through my solicitor and negotiating while talking to my ex-wife about the best interest of the children. I wouldn’t even dress up as Batman or Spider-Man to get my point across. No, I would act like a borderline psychopath and scare ten bells of shit out of the very kids I want to be near to. Also, it’s really handy that I have a fudge-packer for a brother that just so happens to be able to create Mission:Impossible grade face prosthetics. There’s no way in hell that the judge would section me for evaluation and deem me totally unfit to be around children let alone my own children. Way to go mate. Fucking weirdo.

3. He was in Take That

Robin’s cuntery reached truly apocalyptic levels when he joined this shit boy band during the early nineties. What was he fucking thinking? I know he had just been in Mrs Doubtfire but was it really necessary to sing lead vocals on Could it be magic? Take That was another boat that left me on the fucking island. A complete bunch of wankers if ever I saw one but Williams was the true cunt of the group. Always trying to the funny, cheeky one and always cracking “jokes”, he made me want to stick hot needles in my bell-end whenever his stupid fucking face came on my TV. Why did he ever think he could sing in a boy band as well as acting in saccharine drenched cunt-fests? Cunt. At least Robin left the band, went solo and has since become a bit of a joke since releasing his last couple of albums. Take That have reformed without him and are now HUGE again. Ha ha ha ha! Take That indeed Robin you MASSIVE, MASSIVE COCK-END!

4. Hook

One of Spielbergs few follies and a film that should be locked in a hermetically sealed vault and shot into the nether regions of the galaxy never to return. It’s eye-gougeingly awful if only for Williams’ take on a classic children's character. Were we really to believe that this middle-aged, hairy, fat arsehole was Peter Pan? If so, I apologise for not getting it. But in reality, who did get it? Cunts probably. It took me fucking ages to be able to trust Spielberg again but Williams’ cuntery just kept going and going. Where will it end? Who will stop him?

5. Jakob The Liar

Jesus H Christ. This one takes the fucking biscuit. Robin just can’t seem to stop making films about hope, courage and Scottish grannies can he? This particular abomination features Williams as a Jewish shop keeper who tells all the other cunts in the ghetto that he has a secret radio that gives him information about Russia’s movements during World War 2 thus giving HOPE to the Jews and inspiring them with COURAGE. Actually, all he does is lie his fucking arse off and give the Jews FALSE HOPE and INCONSEQUENTIAL COURAGE. What a total fucking areshole. We all know people that are bullshitters but telling your doomed Jewish mates that Auschwitz is actually a swanky new nightclub is a bit much really.

6. Rudebox

The musical equivalent of tertiary syphilis.

7. Patch Fucking Adams

The worst of the worst. The lowest ebb in Robin Williams’ career. A film so stupefyingly, sickeningly shit that it should come with a government health warning for people who have an aversion to the following:

People who think they can change the world by putting on a red nose.
Terminally ill children who find red noses funny.
Anyone who finds red noses funny.
Anyone who believes that laughter will make their AIDS disappear.
Doctors that still manage to have a sense of humour despite the fact that they have just worked a 63 hour shift while pronouncing 117 children dead.
Films that offer HOPE and COURAGE.
Films about overcoming adversity.
Films with Robin Williams in them.
Puking their guts up every 20 seconds.

Anyone who finds this film touching, funny, inspiring or uplifting is a total fuck-spanner who deserves to be locked in the same hermetically sealed vault as HOOK and shot into the sun. Wankers!.

8. What Dreams May Come

You seen this? No? Lucky fucking you. I feel no need to mention too much about this film as I believe that ImDB's plot summary will tell you eveything you need to know.

Chris Neilson dies to find himself in a heaven more amazing than he could have ever dreamed of. There is one thing missing: his wife. After he dies, his wife, Annie killed herself and went to hell. Chris decides to risk eternity in hades for the small chance that he will be able to bring her back to heaven

If that plot summary wasn't enough to give you the bubblies, what if I mention that Cuba Gooding Jnr plays an angel in it. Stay. Well. Away.

9. Bicentennial Man

This is a very silly film indeed. Williams plays a robot that was bought by a family to do menial tasks around the house but, after a while, the robot starts to have emotions and wants to become human. Fucking shit. The robot even looks like Williams which, if I'm honest, is more than a little creepy. And anyway, who the fuck would want a robotic Robin Williams moping round the house moaning all day about how shit it is to be a robot. Obviously, he hasn't seen TRANSFORMERS. If I bought Robo-Williams and it started acting a cunt, I would take it straight up to Cash Converters, sell the bastard, then buy something that might actually be of some use.

So, there you have it. Conclusive proof that Robin Williams is a massive cunt. Agree? Disagree? I couldn't give a shit. But, next time you laugh at PATCH ADAMS, listen to RUDEBOX or watch FLUBBER, please do us all a favour and take a massive overdose and slip quietly into a DEATH COMA.

Only 357 Days To Go!

2007-07-26T22:14:00.000+01:00

Well, unless I’m very much mistaken, this Summer turned out to be absolute gash. It has fucking pissed down non-stop for two months and I have it on very good authority that it will continue to piss down for a further 40 days and 40 nights. Go God! The Summer blockbusters have all been utter shit apart from TRANSFORMERS which turned out to be a bit of dumb fun that only cynical, snotty, stubborn fuck-nuts refuse to acknowledge as the piece of harmless entertainment it is.Twats!

Yep, you might as well write off the rest of the silly season and start organising your usual Christmas arrangements as it will be here before you can say “John Hannah owes me a tenner”. Depressing. But it’s not all doom and gloom folks. Nope. You see, I am more than a little excited about a certain Batman sequel that is due for release on 18 July 2008. THE DARK KNIGHT. DasGeordie got a little fucked off over the fact that I went on and on about TRANSFORMERS a good 13 months before release but he’s really going to get the shits with me on this one.

You see, he didn’t seem to appreciate BATMAN BEGINS for the awesome film that it clearly is. It is, without a doubt, in my humble opinion, the BEST fucking comic book to film adaptation in the history of the world. It stands proudly side by side with all the other great comic book adaptations. SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE, SPIDER-MAN 2, X-MEN 2 and of course THE PHANTOM. Yes, it has flaws, as pointed out repeatedly by my esteemed colleague.

“Why did we have to know where Batman got his gadgets and car from?”

BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING ORIGIN STORY YOU FUCKING SPACK-BANGER!

“The action wasn’t very well choreographed was it. Blah, blah, fucking blah”

Get fucked! And, my favourite, from another non-believing shit-heel?

“Christian Bale is too short to play Batman. Whinge, whinge, fucking whinge”

Tell that to his face cocksucker.

Next they'll be telling me that Katie Holmes was hideously miscast. Oh, wait.

So, from now until July 18 2008, I will be boring the shit out of all my mates and probably the readers of this site with my slightly nerdy/gay obsession with Batman but more importantly THE DARK KNIGHT. Right now, I'd genuinely turn down the chance to give Megan Fox a shitty hotdog just to get a glimpse of the first teaser trailer. Although, I wouldn't be at all surprised if DasGeordie persuades Mystic Review Pizza to look into the future to review it and most probably slag it off just because Danny Fucking Dyer wasn't cast as Alfred. Fuck that shit. I mean, just look at that shot of Heath Ledger as the Joker. Fucking ace and shit scary to boot. Fuck Jack Nicholson in both ears and fuck all the past shitty Batmans. The Balester and Christopher Nolan are on the motherfucker.

It's gonna be bitchin'. My cocks a twitchin’!

CRABMAN EDIT: If Megan Fox is reading this post, I was only joking about the shitty hotdog thing. Anytime love. Anytime.

Happy Birthday Matt Le Blanc!

2007-07-25T18:18:00.000+01:00

That was for LOST IN SPACE. And CHARLIE'S ANGELS 1 and 2. And..er....THE RED SHOE DIARIES.

Has-been motherfucker!

Mystic Review Pizza: Rush Hour 3

2007-07-24T19:51:00.000+01:00

Alrriiiiiiight, you faaaackin' muppets! It's Mystic Review Pizza back again wiv more reviews of fillums wot ain' even farking come out yet! Some dirty cants have aksed me why I don' use my powas fir the sake of goodness ravver than just reviewing some fackin' fillum wot ain' even farking come out yet an' I say to these dirty cants, "FARK OFF WIV YOURSELF, DIRTY CANT!" I like fillums, I sometimes even like fillums wot ain' got Danny Dyer in 'em. For instance, I farkin' love fillums wiv Bob Hoskins in 'em. I also proper love fillums wiv that diamond geezer Ray Winstone in 'em. You seen NIL BY MOUTH? That's a proppa fillum! Why the fack would I be wantin' to look at anything fackin' else? Wars? FAAAARK IT. The Lottery? FAAARK IT. The winner of Big Brother? Hmm... Interesting...

Anyway, the faaaarkin' caaaants wot run this interweb site slipped me a pony to see into the faaarkin' future and tell 'em wot the four by four (I.e. score) is wiv dis new fillum about these two ethnic cants wiv badges. I ain't seen any fillums wiv ethnics in before unless you count Ben Kingsley - what with him 'avin' played farkin' Gandhi! I ain' got no problem with ethnics bein' on the screen unless they're makin' me larf. I love a good larf! An' this fillum made me larf like a farkin' Virgin train (I.e. drain)! That black geezer was all singin', "Kung fu fighting" and doin' a right ol' jig. Wot a geezer! An' when he puts on that funny voice thing, he right ol' split me anchovies! Geezer don' talk like dat all the time, though, right?

Anyway, this fillum gets a farkin' four slices out of five from yer ol' mucker, da Mystic Review Pizza, wot wiv it bein' a right old knee's up from start to finish! I mean, the only way I'd 'ave liked it more if the farking duke, Danny Dyer, were in it. Couldn't they got rid of the little Chinee fella and let the farking duke have a shot? I mean, he's double-plus hard an' don' take shit from no gangsta pricks. I laaaarves me a bit of cockney 'ard man action. I would tell you to drag yourself out to the masonry bricks (I.e. flicks) and catch vis littuhl numba as soon as it cams out. An' trust me, you'll farkin' love it, cos I've seen the farkin' future and I KNOW you farkin' love it! Until next time, I'm Mystic Review Pizza and I can see into da farkin' future!!!

DASGEORDIE'S NOTE - We at Two Angry Men do not agree or abide by any decisions as per the quality of a given film based on the review of a pizza that can see into the future. In fact, we think the twat is pulling our leg and has no mystic powers At All.

Fucking Transformers

2007-07-23T17:32:00.000+01:00

Sooooo Crabman had been pissing his pants in excitement for months about TRANSFORMERS and even managed to get a ~~dodgy rip~~ highly legal preview copy of the film to watch on his astounding home-cinema system (Which is a story for another post). He declared it the best film of the Summer, a rip-roaring adventure and some of the best special effects he'd ever seen. He is a twatflap. It is none of these. It may well be better than DIE HARD 4.0 and SPIDER-MAN 3 and PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3, but I have just watched an episode of EMMERDALE which was better than all three combined. I have just watched an episode of DICKINSON'S REAL DEALS which had more convincing special effects than DIE HARD 4.0. Saying that TRANSFORMERS is the best Summer blockbuster of 2007 is like saying having rusty red-hot needles inserted into my jap's eye is my favourite form of torture.

Rather than doing the usual Top Ten Of Hatred, I thought I'd do something a bit more useful. You're always reading reviews where they discuss technical aspects and narrative devices and photography and the actors performance and BLAH, BLAH, WHO FUCKING CARES. I want to do an actual USEFUL review that will help you decide if you want to see this film. I mean, let's be honest, nobody really gives a flying fuck what a review of TRANSFUCKINGFORMERS says, right? It's critic-proof. It'd be like asking for a review on the bag of Monster Munch you just ate. "Good start, but petered out towards the end with lack of development around the middle." No, you just eat it and ignore the rest. So I will highlight for you the two personality types (Or "disorders", more accurately) who you will most closely match and whether this means you will like TRANSFORMERS or not.

TYPE A PERSONALITY
The classic Type A Personality will look for a fluid movement of characters through a narrative and won't settle for a hodge-podge of piss-poor mannequins. They will not be simply swayed by putting A Funny Black Man in it or having A Chisel-Jawed Soldier. That is weak-ass sauce. Type A's also enjoy their films to be directed in a thoughtful and innovative pace, not by an OCD spacker with a budget and a hard-on. Type A's are usually peace-loving individuals who don't like seeing helicopters Every Four Fucking Seconds. They are the kind of people who will not let a film off because "Oh, it's for kids" because Type A's absolutely love classic kids films. ET is a kids film, BACK TO THE FUTURE is a kids film... None of them have problems, they are flawless films. Type A Personality's are also good-looking, intelligent, charming, have lots of sex with attractive women and aren't cunts.

TYPE B PERSONALITY
The classic Type B Personality will exhibit signs of ADHD such as being unable to stare at anything for more than HALF A FUCKING SECOND without spinning around. Type B's have an unnatural love for flares. In fact, you'd probably find yourself sat at the bar having a quiet drink with a Type B and they might just spontaneously burst out a couple of flares and roll them under a nearby table. Type B personalities also like to talk in looooong, lingering and hysterically bad purple prose about the "greatness of humanity" and how there is "more than meets the eye" with them. This has been proven to cause 90% of most pub fights. These individuals are also stuck in the past and unable to see it for the shit it actually was. Type B personality's usually live with their mother even though they're over 40, smell of piss and BO, masturbate furiously over their G1 figures and are usually cunts.

There is a chart for mapping your personality, but basically, I can't be arsed to find it/photoshop it in a piss-poor fashion. Basically, if you think you're a Type A Personality, you will find that TRANSFORMERS is a bag of turd. If you are Type B, you should enjoy TRANSFORMERS and then kill yourself slowly.

A Classier Celebrity Product

2007-07-21T23:02:00.000+01:00

Show this old fucker some respect and buy this mofo. He was the fucking Equalizer for Christ's sake. Legend!

Mystic Review Pizza's 'Arry Potta and The Deafly 'Allows Review

2007-07-19T20:00:00.000+01:00

Ello cahnts. Mystic ere wiv a fackin exclusive for all you stupid facking Arry Potta fans. I've spent the entire facking day looking waaaayy into the farkin future and I managed to see the seventh Arry Potta film. Not bad eh? The cahnt hasn't even been made yet. Straight up. I fink the book comes aht on Saturday but I thought I would fackin ruin it for ya anyway.

Nah, I fackin hate 'Arry fackin Potta and I've only seen abaht three of the films but let me tell you this last film is the fackin nuts. Why? Potta kicks the fackin bucket abaht arf way through. Ha! Facking sweet as. Did that spoil it for ya? Did it? Good! Ya fackin weirdo cahnts. I don't even like kids that like Potta let alone all the fackin wanky older cahnts that say shit like "Oh, but the books are so well written" and "It's ok for adults to like these books"

NO IT FACKIN AINT! GROW UP THE FACK UP! PROPER CAHNTS YOU ARE!

Oh yeah, the film. Like I said, the cahnt dies and that. Did that spoil it for ya? Some lary facker called Voldecahnt does him right in. Facking knocks the little prick right on his arse. Straight up! I didn't pay too much attention to the fackin plot as it was all abaht wizards and that. It didn't even ave Danny Dyer in it innit. Fackin shit that mush. Dyer would ave made a pucker Potta.

"Oi! Voldercahnt! Fack orf. BALD CAHNT! Fackin geezer's a cahnt mush

Now that's fackin mint.

I mean, as if Potta wasn't a big enough cahnt as it was, he ang's rahnd wiva fackin ginger. Wankaaaaa! And, he hasn't even managed to get a fack off that Hermiominge. I reckon the cahnts a fackin shit stabber meself like. Anyway, I can't be hanging rahnd ere all fackin night, I've got a Danny Dyer film to watch. It's called UP THE OLD APPLES AND PEARS. Fackin sweet as. Straight up mush! No word of a lie.

Till next time, keep aht of trouble and don't be a cahnt.

Kazzam!

Worst. Celebrity. Endorsement. Ever. Ever.

2007-07-19T12:41:00.000+01:00

OK, this is fucking shit and it took me ages.

Anybody at ILM want to offer me a job?

TRANSFORMERS: Crabman's Review

2007-07-18T19:49:00.000+01:00

This Summers movies have sucked balls. All of them. It’s no secret that DasGeordie and myself hated Spider-Man 3, Die Hard 4.0 et al and I had all but given up on this years offerings. Except for one. I have been badgering on about TRANSFORMERS for a good year now and have always said that it would be THE film to see this Summer. Of course, DasGeordie has taken the piss out of me constantly for even contemplating hyping a film based on a kids toy line that's directed by Michael Bay but the trailers kept me optimistic. Was I wrong to get excited about this film? Simple answer is NO.

Yep, I saw TRANSFORMERS yesterday and I will proudly proclaim that I fucking loved it. The most fun I have had in a long time without calling Orlando Bloom a cunt or petitioning for the public execution of George Lucas. Or wanking. It was so much fun in fact that I spent the best part of today boring the shit out of anyone who would listen at work about it. In short, it actually surpassed my expectations.

Of course, being a Michael Bay film, the script was a tad cheesy, the character development was skimmed over and there was a certain amount of flag waving but you know what? I couldn’t care less. It had big, fuck off robots kicking seven shades of shit out of each other. What’s not to like. There was problems with it sure, but the good far outweighs the bad and just to prove my point, here is the pros and cons of TRANSFORMERS.

What's right with it.

1. The visual effects.

This had to be at the top of the list because quite frankly I was gobsmacked by the work done by ILM on this film. It takes a lot to impress me these days when it comes to CGI but believe me when I say that TRANSFORMERS is a landmark in the history of visual effects. The last time I was this floored by CGI was JURASSIC PARK back in 1993. The amount of detail that has gone into the transformations is staggering and along with the truly photo realistic rendering you forget that you are watching a load of pixels and just get caught up in all the onscreen mayhem. Un-fucking-believable. If it doesn’t win the Oscar for best visual effects next year I will eat my shat.

2. Shia Lebeouf is actually rather good in it.

Now, I know DasGeordie can’t stand the man but to be honest I had never really seen him in anything so I wasn’t sure what to expect but I am pleased to say that he held the film together. He is perfect for the part of the put upon Sam Whitwicky. A nerdy virgin who gets his first car that just so happens to be a fucking alien robot. Ace. In fact I would go as far as to say that I actually liked him in this film. He’s turned out to be a genuinely good actor with a knack for humour. Good on ya mate and don’t let that bastard DasGeordie get you down.

3. The Military hardware.

Michael Bay is well known for being able to get the assistance of the US army when it comes to borrowing their stuff but he has surpassed himself here. There is more helicopters, F22s, tanks and artillery than you shake a shitty stick at and I’m sorry but that just makes me hard as a rock.

4. Megan Fox is in it.

Would.

5. The sound design.

Again, more staggering work from the people behind the scenes. Every explosion, bullet shot and building destroyed has been made to sound like the end of the world. In a good way. The transformation sounds alone are sonic works of art and if it doesn’t win the Oscar for best sound design next year I will lay off Orlando Bloom for a year. Maybe.

6. It isn’t remotely boring.

Which is refreshing in a year filled with arse-numbing, clock-watching shit-fests. I'm looking at you Peter Parker.

7. It isn’t a fucking sequel/prequel/shituel

This year has really taken the piss, what with Pirates 3, Spider-Man 3, Ocean’s 13, Shrek 10, Hostel Part 28, Fantastic 163 and Harry Potter and The Stash of Jazz Mags. And just for that, I applaud it. Here, here.

8. IT WAS JUST PLAIN GOOD OLD TURN-YOUR-BRAIN-OFF ESCAPISM WITH MORE FUN THAN ALL THE OTHER SUMMER FILMS PUT TOGETHER.

I shit you not.

9. Big. Fuck. Off. Robots. Kicking. The. Shit. Out. Of. Each. Other.

10. I had a BIG fucking grin on my face for the entire 2 hour running time

No mean feat.

What's wrong with it.

1. Mini Decepticon thing.

There is a small, evil robot that appears to be the TRANSFORMERS equivalent of Jar Jar Binks complete with comedy voice. But not half as annoying. I assume this character is for the kiddies. Nice effects work again though.

2. The score.

The composer apparently couldn’t be bothered to write an original score so he simply knicked the themes from BATMAN BEGINS and ARMAGEDDON. Lazy cunt.

3. The dialogue.

Cheesy. As. Fuck. So fucking what though. It’s a Michael Bay film for Christ’s sake. I didn’t watch if for subtext or nuance. If it wins the Oscar for best adapted screenplay next year I will laugh my arse off.

4. Err..........Um..........

I'm struggling to think of more things that I didn’t like about TRANSFORMERS. Maybe it’s because it had GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS WITH BIG, FUCK OFF GUNS IN IT.

I'm going to watch it again at the weekend and I'll be dragging DasGeordie along so expect to see a slightly different review from him next week. Grumpy cunt. I, for one, am just happy that I got to see a film this Summer that made me feel like I should feel around every blockbuster season. Like a kid again. Job done.

Roll out the DVD

A Love Letter From Michael Bay

2007-07-17T14:53:00.000+01:00

You are beautiful, like shining metal bugs hovering over my pollen of love. How I love thee, the humble helicopter.

Words cannot describe how often I think of thee. Whether I'm ordering a bagel and cappucino or directing a cunt with a stupid name to run away from an imaginary metal robot on set or just merely having a quick Jodrell Bank in between takes... I am always thinking of your lovely rotors and divine tail and what I would secretly love to do to you if it wasn't illegal in most States.

Sometimes I think nothing else matters. That I should stop it all - stop directing films and making all that money and having all that hot sex with lots of hot women... I should stop it all and devote myself completely to you. Live inside your spacious passenger compartment, read you bedtime stories like a doting father and then make sweet, sweet love to your fuel tank. But no, that way leads madness. And it is only you, the humble helicopter, who makes me this mad. In love.

Some say I love you too much, that maybe I could spare a thought for characterisation in my movies... But they are wrong. You are my all. Helicopters. Just typing it gives me a twitch. In my expensive designer pants. They want me to remake WATERSHIP DOWN next, but I can't do it. After all, where would I put the helicopters?

Yours lovingly,

Michael "Chopper" Bay

xxx

Behold......Mystic Review Pizza!

2007-07-14T11:59:00.000+01:00

Look into my eyes

Ello Cahnts. Allow me to introduce meself. I’m Mystic Review Pizza and I can see into the farkin future. Straight up. The two cahnts that do this site asked me to come on board and review films that haven’t even fackin come aht yet. Frankly, I have better fackin things to do wiv my time but I could do with some publicity. Know wot I mean? If you aven’t noticed, I’m from good old Lahndon tahn. East end. Right fackin cockney me mush but I am blessed with this talent see. Every nah and then, I’ll give you the lowdahn on movies that aven’t even been fackin made yet coz I can see into the farkin future. Straight up.

That posh prick, DasGordon or some bollocks, had a go at lookin into the future to review TRANSEXUALS but he’s a talentless facker. Stick to ya comics ya nerdy cahnt.

That fat geeky cahnt, Crabstick or whatever the fack he's called, told me that this site needs someone like me to come along and make it sweet like. Cahnt! I’ll try my best but they aint paying me fack all so sumfin is better than nufink. Know wot I mean?

Anyway, I ain’t staying ere all facking day. I’ve got a fackin Danny Dyer film to review. In the future. It’s called Cockney World and it ain’t even been facking written yet but I bet its gonna be sweet as. Fackin loves Dyer. Cushdy geezer. Straight up.

So, until next time, keep aht of trouble and don’t be a cahnt. Kazzam!

Caaaaaaaahhhhhnts!

Happy 65th Birthday Harrison Ford!

2007-07-13T17:33:00.000+01:00

Yes, you read that correctly. He is 65 fucking years old today. That would make him a pensioner in this country. It also means that he is probably dribbling a lot, farting uncontrolably, moaning about the post office queue, shitting himself all the time, going on and on about the war, playing bingo every Tuesday, saving pennies in a jar for his grandchildren, boring young people with desperately dull anecdotes and listening to his wireless of an evening. Oh, and he most probably smells of piss as well.

Looking forward to Indiana Jones 4 though. It's going to be...erm.....different.

Nice!

Mystic Reviews: Transformers

2007-07-12T12:54:00.000+01:00

Gaze into my crystal ball!

It is the 27th of July in our Lord's year of 2007. Verily, the film known as TRANSFORMERS has been released in the movingpicture-a-toriums across this fair nation of England. Verily it took them a fucking couple of weeks to get it released over here, ye olde cunts. Myself and my good squire, Sir Crabman, have gone in with much baited breath and excitable demeanours to see this new film. All our hopes now rest with this film... The one true hope for the Summer season. But what will it be like? I shall use my mystic powers to tell you, kind folks! Why wait for the review when I can write it before I see it! So now, I pass you over to the DasGeordie of 15 days into the future! Woooh! Spooky!

DASGEORDIE OF TWO WEEKS IN THE FUTURE:-
Jesus fucking wept, was that a hideous bag of turd. I can't believe Crabman made me go and watch that utter, utter fucking shit! I mean, giant robots fighting and they messed it up! I don't give a shit about some whiny kid getting his first car and there's no way a woman that hot would fall for Chia McBeef and his potato-shaped head! And the robots look shit, they're far too bitty and over-complicated. And the comedy relief was appalling. And Jesus, Mary and Joseph, but Michael Bay needs to stop doing the fucking dolly shots circling round characters! And the slow-mo! I went to see a TRANSFORMERS film - and I don't even like them - and I end up with fucking Bernie Mac and some kid's parents! Cunts! I hate you all for making me think this would be good! I hate you all! Shit, well, at least it won't really matter that much seeing as they've just sounded the three minute alarm and Russia's about to start a nuclear war of Mutually Assured Destruction. Who saw that coming, eh?

Wooh! Spooky, huh? I know there are some non-believers out there who think I may well be just making this up, but we shall see, fellow travellers! We shall see! If my review rings true, verily stupid shall you all feel in doubting my powers! For there could be no other explanation for this supernatural shenanigans! Wooh! Spooky!

Two Angry Men Goes All Techie And That.

2007-07-11T21:01:00.000+01:00

Just thought I would post a little something for you lucky readers regarding a super new feature we have added to this prestigious site. If you look down the right hand side you'll see that we have added an extremely high tech data feed from the good people at box office mojo that allows you to look, at a glance, the top five movies at the US box office every weekend and how much said movies have taken. Good eh? OK, its a bit shit but it will allow us to take the piss out of our friends over the pond when they make Big Momma's House 8 a massive hit. We have called this pointless new feature Cunts Corner.

Nice.

EDIT: Happy now Ooshka? Honestly, I thought we were picky bastards.

Happy Birthday Greg Grunberg!

2007-07-11T18:58:00.000+01:00

Whoever the fuck you are.

The Four Horsemen Approach

2007-07-10T18:42:00.000+01:00

A few posts back I pondered if the onset of Armageddon was upon us due to fact that a third Rush Hour film is being released later this Summer. Well, It’s not impending at all. Armageddon is well and truly here. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse are stampeding towards a cinema near you. Why you ask? Apparently, after the success of The Devil Wears Prada, Hollywood have decided to greenlight Sex and the City: The Movie. And God wept.

I have an extremely unhealthy hatred towards that vile, disgusting, misleading piece of shit TV series. It is the ULTIMATE birds TV show. Meaning BAD. Worse than Ugly Betty? Sure. Worse than Big Brother? Absolutely. Worse than a severe dose of cock- rot? You bet your ass it is. It’s stupefyingly awful. I sometimes have to watch it if the missus decides to torture me due to the fact that I still haven’t finished painting the fucking kitchen after three months. “Oh God, Oh sweet Jesus. Look love, I’ve got the brush in my hand, just please, for the love of all that’s holy, turn that fucking shit off. MUMMY!”

Women love that fucking show and it’s their fault that the end of the world is nigh. Thanks for that ladies. I mean, does anyone actually believe that the despicable excuses for women that are portrayed in the show reflect real life in anyway whatsoever? If you do, then you will get a very big shock once you eventually find someone that is willing to fuck you and then you’ll realise that sex is basically a quick nosh, a finger or two and five or six pumps( if you’re lucky) then snoozing commences. It is NOT hanging from a chandelier with a champagne bottle up your arse whilst being eaten out by a bronzed, six-packed adonis for an hour before being rogered in more positions than the Karma Sutra for six hours until you explode in a tsunami of jizz and Dom Perignon. Sorry to piss on your parade ladies.

All the women on that show are complete and utter slags. Terrible role models for women they are. Maybe it’s just me but I think most blokes prefer PROPER slags not upper class, whinging, well-to-do PRETEND slags that have an uptown apartment and a really good job. Utter wank and frankly it gives poor, balding, slightly fat men like myself a rough time trying to give their other halves the SEX AND THE CITY LIFESTYLE. Two minutes of sex (including foreplay) and a Pot noodle is all I can muster at the moment. Oh, and maybe a can of Special Brew. If I’ve got enough.

I am ranting a little, just for a change, but I would like to mention a few points why I not only think Sex and the City is a detestable TV show but it will make for an APOCALYPTIC movie experience.

Sarah Jessica Parker is not just one of the ugliest women in show business but one of the ugliest people on the planet. She’s only getting off lightly here because she married Ferris Bueller.
Kim Cattrall is WAY past her prime and rather annoying to boot. She ucks her tits out in every other episode but did she get her baps out during her film career? Not to my fucking knowledge she didn’t. If she had gone full frontal in Mannequin and diddled herself she MAY have had the privilege of being a member of Crabman’s Wacky Wank Bank, but at the moment, no bastard chance. Skank.
Every episode I've had the displeasure to see had no discernible plot or story other than the women trying to find as much cock as possible whilst shopping. A lot. And moaning. A lot. “Oh Carrie, I’m minted with a great job and a fantastic apartment but my clit’s too small. Boo Hoo!”
The theme tune makes me want to stick a power drill in my ear. And through to my brain.
The writers of the show are living on the Planet Cunt.

I have skimmed the fucking surface here folks. A film based on that horrible show will have about as much to say about relationships and city living as Tron did about the plight of the native American Indians. It’s going to be bad beyond words I can’t possibly comprehend.

I have it on very good authority that the films plot is as follows:

Samantha and Carrie go on a frantic quest to find a man who has the funkiest spunk.

Hardly Lord of the Rings is it?

It starts shooting this Autumn so there is still plenty of time to get prepared for the rising of the beast. The planet was nice while it lasted.

Diet Hard XP

2007-07-09T17:34:00.000+01:00

First of all, Len Wiseman is a cunt of the highest order. Seriously. I mean, I don't care if he donates to charity, loves his mother, once rescued a terminally ill orphan from a burning hospice... he is a cunt. A cunt's cunt. Because - just make a bad action film and you're a bit of a twat. It's not hard. But make a bad sequel to the greatest action film ever made makes you the kind of galactic cunt that would swallow planetary twats and solar pricks like Galactus - King of Cunts. And in case you were wondering what I'm talking about, this is a review of DIE HARD 4.0.

Or, if you live in America, LIVE FREE, DRIVE A LEXUS, CAP TOWELHEADS, FIGHT TERROR, EAT MACDONALDS AND JUST DIE HARD ALREADY. Thankfully, they realised that audiences outside America might not support their jingoism so much, so changed it to the far less shit DIE HARD 4.0. When I say less shit, I mean it in the same way that catching AIDS is slightly less shit than catching the bubonic plague. Anyway, I'm not even going to do the classic 2AM Ten Things I Hate About ~~You~~ This Film, because I'd be onto my 14th point by the time I realised what I was doing. Cunts. So here's some points I feel need to be raised in no particular order.

Bruce Willis is old. He has aged since the last DIE HARD. This happens. It is known as "the aging process". It's happening to Crabman at an astronomical rate. I am actually de-aging. Bruce Willis is too old to be jumping off planes and making us believe he wouldn't put his hip out. I am TERRIFIED about what Harrison Ford is going to look like in the new Indiana Jones film. TERRIFIED.
Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, did you see UNDERWORLD?
Why actually film something when CG can do the work for you? I'm not even kidding, there was a shot with Bruce and Justin Long driving down a country road and they'd blatantly shot it against green screen and dropped in the country afterwards. I fail to see how it's easier to green screen in a background than actually, you know, taking a fucking car out to the country and filming it. This happened throughout the film. Several times you catch a whiff of CG background when they're driving and it's because there's a big stunt coming up/something crashes into them. So then every time I spotted some crap green screen action I was waiting for something to crash into them and it never happened. Halfway through the film I was waiting for something to crash into me.
Kevin Smith shouldn't ever act. Ever. Seriously extending your ouevre of acting ability. A fat nerd. Go Team Smith! Maybe you could have tried to extend your range and played "A fat something else"? Maybe you could fuck off out of my DIE HARD film forever. Comedy shtick in a DIE HARD film? They always had a wry dark sense of humour, what they didn't have was a cunt with a collection of STAR WARS dreck. Also, I don't believe John McFuckingClane has ever bothered his arse enough to watch STAR WARS. Not when there are still air-ducts he has yet to climb through.
Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, did you see UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION?
Computer hacking should never ever be in an action film. I mean, when was this popular? The heyday for computer hacker films must have been mid-90s. And you know what, IT'S NOT FUN TO WATCH. Seriously, I went to uni to learn programming and had to quit after two years because I could feel my soul seep away with every line of C++ I typed. Also, 90% of programmers are cunts. Ha ha ha, I've probably just offended 90% of our readership! But seriously, there is no way to make Typing On A Computer interesting. Not even getting a nosh off Halle Berry whilst you're hacking the matrix makes it cool.
Terrible ADR and editing. Sometimes I let films off as it could be that the Utter Numpty who the cinema have employed to monkey handle the reel together may have just sellotaped it up wrong. But not in this film. It was a proper hodge-podge. And the ADR was blindingly obviously wrong, to the point I thought something was wrong with the reel. I mean, sound production isn't my area of expertise, so I'm sure those more knowledgeable would notice a gazillion times more... But it wasn't even subtle.
Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, he fucked Kate Beckinsale. Probably while wearing the tight leather.
The climactic finale to the film was stupid beyond belief. Am I to believe that the US government would allow a fully-equipped fighter jet to open fire on a row of traffic? They'd think that was a viable choice? And whether it's real or not, the terrible CG on that F35 made it look like a space-ship from some early nineties vertical scrolling shoot-em-up. It must be pretty shit, like, because it manages to miss a FUCKING HUGE SEMI RIG four times with rockets from close range. Semi's not being famous for their maneouverability. This isn't even getting on to the domino effect on the falling road (Which, again, would cause massive collateral damage), the only part of the truck that is destroyed is the roof when the massive gun is unleashed or just, well, the entire sequence. Also, the climax to an action film should be Hero Versus Villain, not Hero Versus Man In Plane.
John McClane apparently is the master of transport. In this film, John is seen driving literally fourteen different cars and they all get smashed. He drives a huge semi rig. He fucking flies a helicopter. Midway through helicopter sequence, the writers remember that John hates flying and throw in a couple of lines to cover. No, maybe you could just NOT HAVE HIM FLYING A FUCKING HELICOPTER. Seriously!
Len Wiseman is a... Oh, you know.
It actually started off all right. The first ten minutes or so are not bad. Very good low-key action scene with shooting and improvisation and John being convincingly hard. It all starts going to pot around the time the Le Parkour is introduced. I hate Le Parkour. It is this year's bullet-time.
Everybody else seems to love it. Some cunt actually applauded at the end of the showing Crabman and I attended. This is England! We don't applaud! All the charva cunts streamed out going on about it "being totally belta" and "proper sweet". I knew I should have rigged the exit to the screen with land-mines...

I could literally go on and on and post several billion petty bits I hated, like the fact John manages to travel half the country in a very short time or that he decides to kill someone with a truck despite all logic suggesting he shouldn't or that the CG was terrible throughout or that he should have been dead a hundred times over or that they still managed to bleep out "Motherfucker" or that the bad guy was rubbish or... Longest run-on sentence EVER! Suffice to say, I am losing all faith in cinema and if I don't see a good action film soon I may just give up and get into Merchant Ivory.

I'm even so angry I can't be arsed to photoshop a cock onto a picture of Justin Long. Seriously angry. I'm sure Crabman had one lined up before the film which he can post as he knew it would be rubbish. Don't worry, I'll have my revenge when he forces me to see TRANSFORMERS and I explain why it's shit in lengthy detail.

Is Armageddon Imminent?

2007-07-07T11:17:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, DasGeordie and myself went to see Die Hard 4.0 (to be reviewed shortly) and after we’d sat through the usual ten minutes of TV ads that, quite frankly, I hate watching at home for free let alone paying to fucking see them, the trailers started. I usually look forward to the trailers but after yesterday I think I will just stay in the toilet and take a dump until the film starts in future. Why? Because I had to watch the trailer for Rush Hour 3.

Now, I’m not sure who asked for a third instalment of this nauseating franchise but whoever it was needs to be lined up and shot. With rusty bullets. I watched the first one on TV years ago because there was genuinely fuck all else on and I HATED IT. With a passion. The reason for much of the hatred is attributed to Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker is a cunt of almost unimaginable calibre. I can’t fucking stand him. We should be thankful that he makes very few films. In fact, his last two films were Rush Hour 1 and 2. That gives you a pretty good indication of the cunt’s acting range. Prick. He ruined The Fifth Element with his squeaky, gurning, over-the -top performance and Luc Besson should be fucking ashamed of himself for casting the twat. The only film I want to see Tucker in is Hostel Part 3 where Eli Roth decides to forego a storyline in favour of just torturing the irritating fuck for 90 minutes. For real.

Obviously, Chris Tucker is the main reason for hating Rush Hour but I found more reasons as the trailer went on. After about 25 seconds, someone came on screen that I instantly recognised. “Nah, it can’t be” I thought “It fucking well is” I realised. Yep, a certain Roman Polanski has a role in Rush Hour 3 as a snooty French detective. What the fuck is going on? Roman Polanski? The man who directed Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby is now acting in sub-retard-level dreck like Rush Hour 3. My rage level at this point during the trailer was at DEFCON 3.

About 50 seconds in, Max Von Sydow appears on screen. For fucks sake! Max, what are you doing? There must be better roles that you can take. I mean, you’re Father Merrin. You played chess with death in The Seventh Seal. Where’s your dignity? Oh, fuck ya then. DEFCON 2.

The rest of the trailer consisted of the usual Jackie Chan stuntwork/chop socky wank that we all got bored of about ten fucking years ago and Chris Tucker, as per usual, thinking he’s the new Michael Jackson whilst simultaneously piling on the “ladies man” bullshit. OXYMORON ALERT! Whenever something “funny” happened during the trailer, the rest of the cinema laughed like a bunch of lobotomised drones while DasGeordie and myself just sat there with steam coming out of ears and blood seeping from our eyes.

This lasted nearly two minutes, of which, I will never get back but I did have to laugh to myself at the end of the trailer. Voice-over man proudly proclaimed "DIRECTED BY BRETT RATNER!". I would keep that part quiet if I were you mate. Brett Rent-A-Hack Ratner? Please. He’s a fucking awful director who managed to fuck up the X-Men franchise plus other films on his CV include Rush Hour 1 and 2. What a cunt.

Anyone who actually pays to go and see Rush Hour 3 this Summer please bear these points in mind:

You are helping Satan in his quest for Armageddon
You have no life/girlfriend/boyfriend
You are a cunt
Get off this site
Please kill yourself

DEFCON 1

A Genuine Celebrity Product. That's SHIT!

2007-07-05T21:34:00.000+01:00

John Hannah himself phoned me today to ask if we would be kind enough to advertise his new product on the site. Being a old friend of John's I told him to fuck off and stop wasting his hard earned cash on developing mobile shithouses but he started crying like a fucking baby like he always does so I caved in, being the gentile, kindhearted person that I am.

DasGeordie has never liked John and whenever we all go out for beers John will always get pissed and start whinging on with stuff like "It's not fair. Why won't they make another Mummy film? I'm fucking skint" or "Lend us a tenner Crabman, I'll pay you back when they get round to making another Mummy film" Honestly, he can be a right cunt sometimes but he's a mate, so what can ya do.

If successful with this new product, he said he will give up acting altogether. So, please, for everyone's sake. FUCKING BUY ONE.

Crabman's Google Search Results

2007-07-05T17:41:00.000+01:00

Any regular readers will hopefully enjoy our highly professional Photoshop efforts that accompany many of our posts. DasGeordie and myself have honed our Photoshop abilities over literally minutes of hard work and pure determination to bring you the ultimate movie blog experience. However, sometimes we have to search the internet for somewhat dubious material. I was prompted to post this item because I had the in-laws around today and my mother-in-law asked to borrow my laptop to search for a website so I handed it to her and just told her to type into the Google search engine whatever it was she was looking for. Unfortunately, she had only typed the letter 'c' when the results below popped up on the screen. Cue red face, grabbing of laptop and much clattering of keyboard.

The things I do for this fucking site.

Why I, And Every Right-Thinking Human, Should Hate Shia LaBoeuf

2007-07-05T13:16:00.000+01:00

This is the cover to the August issue of Vanity Fair.

I do not read Vanity Fair because I am not (a) A gay (b) A woman (c) American. Conversely, if I was a gay American woman, I wouldn't read Vanity Fair either. It's like one of those mental puzzles that mess with your head, like Schrodinger's Hamster or "Does the light stay on in the fridge when I close the door?" To explain exactly how cunty that picture is, the space-suit he is wearing was designed by Dolce & Gabbana. Yes, he is that cunty.

What's even more irritating is I didn't realise he was in some things which I liked. This happens all the time with actors who turn out to be famous afterwards. Like I was watching an episode of BAND OF BROTHERS last week and James McAvoy turned up. The jury is still out on whether James McAvoy is a cunt or not. It will probably all end up depending on how WANTED turns out. The graphic novel the film is based on ends with the lead character saying to you, the reading audience, "This is my face while I'm fucking you in the ass!" Which is quite possibly the greatest, stupidest last line ever.

It turns out Shia LaBoeuf - as well as having a twattingly difficult name to spell so will henceforth be known as Chia McBeef - was in an episode of sadly missed TV show FREAKS & GEEKS. You may also remember that the strangely alluring beauty that is Linda Cardellini (Excellent in SCOOBY DOO, which I saw at the cinema... Because I'm a cunt, apparently) appeared in the show alongside the do-I-love-him-or-loathe-him James Franco. Luckily it turns out Shia was only in one episode. SAFE!

But the utterly unforgiveable role I will utterly never forgive him is his voice acting role in NAUSICAA OF THE VALLEY OF THE WIND. I have a bordering-on-unhealthy love of Studio Ghibli films. I bought THE CAT RETURNS and I'm not even gay. Actually, I went to the fucking cinema to see THE CAT RETURNS. It features talking cats. And a cat kingdom. I think the cat bus was in another Ghibli film. Anyway, they hire top drawer talent to re-dub the English language versions of Ghibli films - PRINCESS MONONOKE had Billy Bob Thornton AND Gillian Anderson. Woo-hoo! But the fact they let this kid-brother-you'd-never-tire-of-beating-looking motherfucker do a voice in my precious Ghibli films is cuntery of the highest order.

Luckily, he was also in not only CHARLIE'S ANGELS 2, but also DUMB & DUMBER 2. In the same year. Boy, 2003 was a year you REALLY wanted to fire your agent after, McBeef. He followed this up in the next two years by appearing in I, ROBOT. A film I have yet to see because (a) I respect Isaac Asimov (b) I don't want my love for BAD BOYS 2 to be in any way destroyed (c) It looks shit. He then appeared in CONSTANTINE, which is a good supernatural horror film, but an appallingly bad JOHN CONSTANTINE film. To demonstrate how badly they ASS-RAPED one of my FAVOURITE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, the character that Chia McBeef plays in the film is actually a cheeky, dark-haired, middle-aged cockney in the comics. When I think cheeky, dark-haired, middle-aged cockneys, my instinctive first thought is always going to be Chia McBeef. Or suicide.

I have yet to see DISTURBIA or A GUIDE TO RECOGNISING YOUR SAINTS because I fear they may be quite good and I'll start letting Chia McBeef off. I will unfortunately have to see TRANSFORMERS as Crabman has been masturbating like a randy chimp over any news about it for at least six months. I actually could (slyly and probably risk getting fired) watch TRANSFORMERS right now through my workplace but I can't be arsed. That's how little I care. Yes, I work at ILM. If you work there, you will know me as the man who cleans pubes off the toilet seats in the executive lounge. I've heard several reviewers say that Chia McBeef is great in TRANSFORMERS. Yes, that's because he's acting against GIANT TRANSFORMING ROBOTS, YOU FUCKING CRETINS. And who the fuck goes to see TRANSFUCKINGFORMERS for the fucking acting? I mean, I don't critique the performance of the young lass getting spit-roasted in BALI LEGAL do I?

I'm also going to see how long I can leave this post up before Crabman inserts a photoshopped picture of McBeef with a giant cock on him. You really don't want to know where he gets all those pictures of cocks from...

CRABMAN EDIT: Pretty quick wouldn't you say? He looks like a fucking turkey now

Pointless Fucking Remakes #4: The Omen

2007-07-05T11:35:00.000+01:00

After the success of The Exorcist in 1973, studios were falling over themselves to get on the beelzebub bandwagon. In 1976, 20th Century Fox called upon Richard Donner to direct ‘The Omen’ written by David Seltzer. The rest, of course, is history. The tale of Satan’s son, born of a jackal but brought up by an American ambassador and his wife was a massive success and won Jerry Goldsmith an academy award for his stonkingly creepy score. The film is now, deservedly so, deemed a classic.

I remember first seeing The Omen when I was about 12 years old and quite frankly it shit me right up. The nanny hanging herself at Damien’s birthday party, THAT decapitation, those fuck-scary rottweilers and Billy Whitelaw's cack-inducing nanny from hell (literally) all played out to music that was obviously designed to make shit fall out of your arse and into your pants. Great stuff. Richard Donner’s assured direction earned him his next gig, directing Superman:The Movie. OK, it’s not up there with The Exorcist in terms of quality but just for it's pure, pulpy nonsense it was fantastic . It certainly couldn’t be improved upon.

SO WHY FUCKING REMAKE IT?

Some twat at 20th Century Fox obviously had the great idea to remake it simply because the date 06.06.06 was looming as indeed that was when it was eventually released worldwide. Yes, the remake was designed around a stupid fucking marketing device that was so cynical it beggared belief. The studio would have us believe that the time was ripe for a remake, to bring the story to a new audience while updating it for a post 9/11 world. Bollocks. The “new” audience can, quite honestly, fuck off. Watch the original you fucking morons. “But, isn’t The Omen 30 years old? I bet it's well shit. Let’s go see American Pie 8: Flute up my Arse” Arghhhh.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg as to what’s wrong with this pointless fucking remake. Here’s a few example of it’s utter shitness.

It was directed by John Moore who’s previous remake of Flight of the Phoenix was also complete shit.
The character originally played by the beautiful and talented Lee Remick is now being played by...........Julia Stiles. Please, fuck right off with that shit. She’s rubbish.
Liev Shreiber is about as convincing an American ambassador as I am a full-on porn swordsman and has about 0.002% of Gregory Peck’s charisma and screen presence.
David Thewlis should know better.
So should Pete Postlethwaite.
The kid playing Damien has a constant “evil” look on his face therefore completely fucking up the whole “the kid doesn’t know he is the son of Satan” idea which made it so scary in the first place. Also, he's not creepy. In the fucking slightest. Nice casting there folks. Dickheads.
It has pointless dream sequences in it.
Mia Farrow is NOT Billie Whitelaw and never fucking will be.
The score is generic and forgettable. If you really have to remake The Omen then at least keep Goldsmith’s score you clueless rim-jimmys.
IT ISN’T REMOTELY SCARY OR UNSETTLING!

But, worst of all, the remake follows the original almost word for word including all the infamous death scenes. Now, can somebody please explain to me the point of remaking an already great film then doing absolutely fuck all new with it except giving it slicker visuals and better sound because I am at a complete fucking loss here. It was almost as bad as Gus Van Sant’s stupendously pointless and near heretical shot-for-shot ‘Psycho’ remake of which I’m sure I will be posting something about in the near future.

I could go on and on about why I hated this remake but you can’t be arse to read anymore and I can’t be arsed to write anymore.

Up yours!

Yet Another Fucking Celebrity Product

2007-07-04T17:33:00.000+01:00

This wasn't my fault. I've just had those crazy Scientologists round my gaff and they spent six hours brainwashing me and said that if I didn't promote Mr Cruise's wares on this site then they were going to bum me to death with Ron Hubbard's mummified cock. They scared me. Honest. Guv.

Alright, I was bored OK. FUCKING BORED!

Are Americans A Bit Thick? New Evidence!

2007-07-03T13:57:00.000+01:00

Upon hearing that Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez were about to make a double bill feature paying homage to the sleazy grindhouse features of the 70’s I was genuinely excited. I mean, I grew up on a lot of that stuff. Zombie Flesh Eaters, I Spit on Your Grave, SS Experiment Camp and Cannibal Holocaust. All great. Of course, I was far too young to actually see them at the cinema but I was old enough to be able to walk into my local video store (before all that Blockbuster bollocks) and hire any manner of depraved, violent and shit scary film due to the fact that this was all before the video nasties hoo-har and the video recordings act of 1984. Fucking spoilsports by the way.

GRINDHOUSE was going to be two 90 minute features starting with Rodriguez’ ‘Planet Terror’ and Tarantino’s ‘Death Proof’. Both features were to be seperated by some faux horror trailers made by such people as Eli Roth and Edgar Wright. Sounds fucking ace doesn’t it? Well, the American audience didn’t seem to think so. It bombed. Badly. To date it has only taken around $23 million on a combined production/marketing budget of $100 million.

"Oi! Yanks! What exactly didn't you understand about this poster you fucking nimrods?"

Why did it bomb? Apparently, US audiences got a bit confused by the concept of a double bill and walked out after the first feature, Planet Terror, thinking that was it and no doubt spreading terrible word of mouth that the film was "a bit short". Fucking. Idiots! The trailers and marketing campaign clearly stated the 2 for 1 double bill gimmick but they still didn’t FUCKING GET IT! Now, I’m aware that GRINDHOUSE was always going to have a niche market and it wasn’t going to do the now benchmark $200 million for a blockbuster but honestly, it should have done MUCH better.

The films financial backer, Harvey Weinstein, has now decided that due to the poor US showing he is going to spilt GRINDHOUSE in two and show extended cuts of each film seperately when they are eventually released in Europe. Here’s a quote from Weinstein explaining one of his reasons.

"I don't think people understood what we were doing. The audience didn't get the idea that it is two movies for the price of one. I don't understand the math, but I want to accommodate the audience."

Eh? Fuck off will ya. What you mean is that AMERICAN audiences were too fucking thick to understand the concept of the double bill. Please do not put the rest of the world in the same IQ bracket as the good old US of A. Us Europeans are a much more cultured people. I mean, just look at the rest of this site if you don’t believe me.

Also, Weinstein mentioned that the three hour running time may have put off the punters. Hmm. He may have a point because ‘The Return of the King’ was just over three hours long and that only made..........$1.12 BILLION at the worldwide box office. Fucking arsehole.

So, to round up.

The majority of Americans are thick.
Harvey Weinstein is a clueless, fat cunt with no artistic integrity whatsoever who has completely missed the point and is treating the rest of the movie going public like retards.
All the other people (Europeans) that would have GOT the Grindhouse concept now won’t get the chance to see it as originally intended thus rendering it completely fucking pointless.
Quentin Tarantino is a megalomaniac sell-out cocksucker that would rather have his original vision compromised just because he can’t stand the thought of one of his films doing badly.
Same for Rodriguez.

Instead of looking forward to sitting down in a cinema to watch the full glorious three hour GRINDHOUSE experience, I shall now not bother watching either full length feature AT ALL because, as I may have already pointed out, the double bill was THE WHOLE FUCKING BASTARDING POINT!

I’ll wait for the DVD that will hopefully have the original cut on it.

Fucking shit-balls to the lot of ya!

One More Shit Celebrity Product

2007-07-03T12:30:00.000+01:00

OK, OK. I promise this will be the last stupid fucking Photoshop post for at least an hour and I also promise that by the end of today I will post my thesis on the French new wave movement of the 1950's and 60's. It's tres bien!

Why TRANSFORMERS Is Going To Be Rubbish

2007-07-02T22:10:00.000+01:00

It's based on a kid's toy line.
It's based on a kid's toy line.
It's based on a kid's toy line.
It's based on a kid's toy line.
It's based on a kid's toy line.
It's based on a kid's toy line.
It's based on a kid's toy line.
It's based on a kid's toy line.
It's based on a kid's toy line.
It's based on a kid's toy line.
And it's got Chia LaBoeuf in it.

Two Angry Men

A Sad, Sad, Day Indeed. Well, Not Really. We Really Don't Think Anyone Will Give A Flying Fuck.

The In-The-Closet-Hobbits: Chapter Two. From Mordor To Sydney

Finally! A Female Celebrity Product.

The Exorcist *hic* 2: Crapman's Re...*hic* view

Saw IV: Crabman's Review

NEW! A Celebrity Theme Park

Sneaky Script Excerpt: Meet The Spartans

Why We Are Angry: The List (Part Three)

Worldwide Celebrations Continue At New Posting

Mr Miyagi Like Jon Brown Sans Long Time

Why Is Jon Brown Such A Massive Cunt?

Who's Your Farkin' Daddy Now, My Son!

Yet Another Celebrity Product

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

Pointwess Fucky Remake: Mr Miyagi Not Happy Long Time

Topical Celebrity Movie Poster!

The In-The-Closet-Hobbits: Chapter One

Two Angry Men Fucking Horses

Two Angry Men Casting Couch: Justice League #2

Mr Miyagi Tell Tale Of Spirit World Movie Party

Two Angry Men Casting Couch: Justice League

BREAKING NEWS! Mystic Pizza Arrested

AIN'T IT PATRICIA NEWS!!!!

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer To See

DEATHPROOF Review: Ten Things I Hate About Quentin

My Top Five Comedy Films

Why Is Owen Wilson Such A Massive Cunt?

Mr Miyagi Tells Tale From Beyond Grave

LOLMATTS: The Latest Craze!!!!111

Reader Submission

DasGeordie Simpsonized

An Inspirational Movie Poster

Mystic Review Pizza: THE SEVENTH SEAL

A Celebrity Product FOR MEN!

A Warning: Pussy-whipped

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

CUNT!

Reader Submission

A Celebrity Product I Actually Own

Spaff Attack: My New Home Cinema Rig

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

Crabman Ponders Rob Zombie's Remake Of HALLOWEEN

Crabman. Simpsonized

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

A Message From Kevin Spacey

Two Angry Men Help The Government

Mystic Review Pizza: Psychic Pasty Is A Cahnt!

Things That Make My Dick Hard: PART ONE

A Message From John Hannah

It's Not Fucking Rocket Science - The Punisher

Films I Am Not Looking Forward To In 2009

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