Two Angry Men

	AMERICAN PSYCHO This is the fist time that I really stood up and paid attention to Bale. I had already read the book and was waiting with baited breath for the film. I had a very definite image in my head of what Patrick Bateman looked and acted like and low and behold he looked exaxctly like the man in question. Bateman is a vain man. He cares more about his looks and the texture of his business cards than the poor fuckers he winds up axing in the head and yet Bale always makes him appealing. So much so that I was achieving significant wood a mere 20 minutes into the film. The man is lethal in this film and yet I still went home after the performance and maintained said wood for a good week afterwards. Bravo. MANLINESS: 3/5 CRUSHLINESS: 4/5 OVERALL: 3.5/5
	THE MACHINIST This is a towering performance from a method man showing his acting chops in a way only Orlando fucking Bloom could dream about. I was really looking forward to this film. I had read about Bale’s weight loss and that it enhanced the mood of the piece significantly. However, as a big Bale fan, I was a little letdown. Not by the film. It’s a great film. Not a problem there. But the weight loss caught me a little off guard and I have to say I couldn't even manage a semi whilst watching it. He was proper fucking creepy in it to say the least. But great too obviously. Being Christian Bale and all. Have a pie mate and bring some sexy back. MANLINESS: 1/5 CRUSHLIESS: -5/5 OVERALL: -4/5
	EMPIRE OF THE SUN Good film but probably best not to go there.
	EQUILIBRIUM This film is fucking kick ass. I loved it. It really deserved more credit than was given. Gun-Kata. Ace! I even went so far as to say that the end fight sequence where Bale kills what seems to be 1000 people is actually a better action sequence than the lobby fight in The Matrix (complaints to the usual email address please). But it is Christian that makes this film work and indeed believable. His cleric is awesome. A double hard, treble fuck you bad ass motherfucker. He can kill a room full of people... in THE FUCKING DARK FOR FUCKS SAKE. Thats worth a twitch at least. MANLINESS: 5/5 CRUSHLINESS: 3/5 OVERALL: 4/5
	CAPTAIN CORELLIS MANDOLIN Shit film based on a fucking boring book starring Nicholas bastard Cage and Penelope ‘should have stayed with Tom’ Cruz. Duller than listening to a radio play of Attack of the Clones but it does have Christian Bale in it and by God is he manly in this. I wouldn’t recommend this film to anyone unless the mere sight of Bale gave them a warm glow down below. Again, a shit film but it has some great shots of Christian with his top off. Two thumbs up! MANLINESS: 3/5 CRUSHLINESS: 4.5/5 OVERALL: 4/5
	For my final choice I literally had to invent a new category for my end scoring so please excuse me if you get a little confused.
	BATMAN BEGINS Where do I even begin with this selection. I love Batman. I always have. But I felt the previous TV and film incarnations lacked something. I couldn’t really put my finger on it until I saw Begins and then I figured it out. I didn’t really want to fuck any of the other Batmans. Let alone all the other Bruce Waynes. Now, please bear in mind that I am not gay. Not in the slightest. But I wanted to fuck Bale. Right up the Batcave. Bale is so perfect for this role it is a testament to Christopher Nolan that he picked him. I remember saying to a friend way back in 2000 after seeing American Psycho that only Bale could play the Dark knight. And I was bang on. Fuck West. Fuck Keaton. Double fuck Kilmer. Whatever Clooney. None of you can even hold a torch to my man. “SWEAR TO MEEEEE!!!!” No problem, Christian. Here goes. I think you're fucking mint, mate. Fucking aces. Top fucking notch. Fancy a fuck? The Dark Knight cometh. And so will I probably MANLINESS: 10/5 CRUSHLINESS: 1062/5 HARD ON LEVEL: ROCK!!! OVERALL: 1,000,000/5