DasGeordie's Man Crush: Eric Bana

	CHOPPER Not his most attractive role, after gaining all that weight, brandishing that threatening 'tache and just generally be a psychopathic mentalist of the highest order. The utter genius of his watching politely as his so-called best friend stabs him several times and just calmly asking him to stop perfectly encapsulates what a fruit loop Mark "Chopper" Read is. It's not glorifying criminals like American film-makers do, this is just your average Aussie shit-kicking hill-billy who likes shooting people in the knee-caps with a shot-gun. The comedy elements detract from the manliness. You're definitely not supposed to be in awe of him, but you kinda love the cheeky fucktard. MANLINESS: 4/5 CRUSHLINESS: 2/5 OVERALL: 3/5
	BLACK HAWK DOWN Even though he's playing a character called "Hoot", this is almost Bana's most manliest role to date. A member of the elite Delta Force, he makes the pretty fucking rock-solid Army Rangers look like pussies. For example, when being told off by one of the Army Rangers for his weapon safety procedures, this conversation occurs: STEELE: Now Delta or no-Delta, that's still a hot weapon. Your safety should be on at all times. HOOT: This is my safety, sir. (He holds up his index finger) None More Manly. This film is pure war-porn and totally flagrant about it. I remember being in awe in the cinema at the sound the choppers make buzzing the rooftops with those FUCKING HUGE chain-guns - and I literally got a semi. I remember how readily I bought into the "Leave no man behind" line and wished I had a career where Leaving People Behind was something I had to worry about. I remember wanting to fucking join the Delta Force, but realising in reality they get their asses handed to them by the SAS eight ways to Sunday most of the time. Eric Bana is a one-man killing machine and he makes me hard. MANLINESS: 6/5 CRUSHLINESS: 4/5 OVERALL: 5/5
	FINDING NEMO I have never got a semi watching a cartoon. No, not even the wife out of the Jetsons.
	HULK I am a comics nerd. I completely have no shame in this. I eat, sleep and breathe American comic-books. At some point I will do a MAN CRUSH: BATMAN and not even the film version. I don't want to bum Batman, really, he is just the epitome of manliness. YES, I KNOW HE'S NOT REAL, SHIT-BRICK. Hulk is one of those characters who has never really been done well and I had high hopes for Ang Lee's version, even though it turned out to be overly ponderous, missing-the-point nonsense most of the time. Eric Bana, as always, was one of the best things in it. The real best things in it, though, were Jennifer Connelly's Left and Jennifer Connelly's Right. As a nerdy scientist, Bana loses major man crush points. At one point he rides a bike wearing a helmet my mum would be ashamed to wear. However, he turns into a huge monster and throws tanks - MANLY! But he is green and kinda funky looking and I bet he smells of wet dogs. So not very manly. MANLINESS: 10/5 CRUSHLINESS: -3/5 OVERALL: 3.5/5
	TROY Now, with the recent renaissance of Spartan-based interest after 300, you might be tempted to revisit TROY - DON'T. It is a steaming pile of turgid cellu-shite with only one redeeming quality, Eric Bana. Brad Pitt is far too much of a pretty boy who struts around like he owns the place, Eric Bana is the guy who actually does everything, doesn't want any thanks and is double-plus hard. His double-plus hardness is only amplified by the walking jizz-sack that is Orlando Bloom, who plays his brother. This cocky, would-blow-away-in-a-breeze cunt hides behind his brother throughout the film, eventually getting him killed. Example dialogue between Hector, played by Bana, and Paris, played by Bloom. PARIS: Do you love me, brother? Will you protect me from any enemy? HECTOR: Last time you spoke to me like this you were 10 years old and you'd just stolen Fathers horse, what have you done now? You already want to kill the fuck-head and that's not even because he's causing his brother shit. He has breached the cardinal rule of Bro's Before Ho's in a highly literal sense. Some bitch comes round and brings an army after her and you expect your brother to lay down his life so you can get some pussy? TOUGH SHIT, COCK-HOUND. If Hector had been a real man he would have told the whiny cunt to give up the minge or go fight his own battles. But no, he steps out and puts up a good fight before dying for a stupid cause - a woman. Idiot. MANLINESS: 4 CRUSHLINESS: 4 OVERALL: 4
	MUNICH Not only is this a Fucking Mint Film, but you actually see Bana BECOMING a fucking pure specimen of manliness. Well, before he becomes a pure specimen of Severely Fucked-Up Manliness. However - finding his best mate dead, naked in his hotel room and weeping openly... Then travelling half the world to kill the bitch who did it - that is manly and truly demonstrates what Bro's Before Ho's really means. Bana even manages to rock the seventies chic without looking like a total douche-bag. He also cares for his wife and kids even though he is an off-the-books Israeli government assassin. And let's repeat that "off-the-books Israeli government assassin". There is no job more manly in the world than being an assassin. Well, maybe an astronaut, but only if you're Buck Rogers. I love this film and I love you Stephen Spielberg. MANLINESS: 3 CRUSHLINESS: 4 OVERALL: 3.5

Bana's upcoming roles include a hot-shot poker player, Henry The Motherfucking Eighth and a detective tracking a serial killer. Pretty fucking manly. (Yes, I'm completely ignoring his playing Romulus because I guess I'm going to completely ignore that shit-sack of a film) So I'm sure I can update this list in ten years time after I've given it a lot more thought and he will be Just As Manly and Just As Much On My Man Crush List. But I'm not gay or owt.