Oscar The Grouch

Well, its about fucking time. Martin Scorcese finally won a best director oscar for ‘The Departed’ at the 2007 Academy Awards. I love that fucking film. It’s not his best film by quite a long shot but he deserves an oscar nonetheless due to the fact that he has been so royally shafted in the past. The blokes not exactly a spring chicken either and he was in serious danger of popping his fucking clogs before he got the chance to get a hold of one of those golden bad boys. Or worse still, get a shitty lifetime achievement award which is basically just another reason to get your will in order.

And if anyone reading this thought that ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ should have won for best picture you are either a COMPLETE MORON or a FUCKING STUDENT. “Oh, but I just lurrrve quirky independent comedies”. FUCK OFF. You make me want to puke my guts up. Give me a bad ass mob movie any day of the week. Alan Arkin won for best supporting actor for that wanky movie over Mark Wahlberg for The Departed. At least Wahlberg’s character said “cunt” all the time instead of just being one.

That was just one of the many erroneous decisions the academy has made since the awards began but here is a list of my top ten ‘Oscar Travesties’ made since the year of my birth. 1973.

Deep Breath...

1. Julianne Moore (Boogie Nights) losing Best Supporting Actress to Kim Basinger (LA Confidential). 1997.
   
   I shouldn’t really have to explain this one. LA Confidential is a fucking great film but Basinger is not great in it. Fact. She’s OK. With a HUGE fucking emphasis on OK. Now, I might get a lot of shit for this but her performance is...dare I say it.....a bit dull. There I’ve said it. Now if you compare her OK performance with Julianne Moore’s staggering tour de force in Boogie Nights you should reach a similar conclusion. If you dont, you are a massive tool that probably enjoyed Little Miss Sunshine. GET FUCKED. Moore’s range in that movie simply defies belief. That is the key word here. RANGE. Of which Basinger displays FUCK ALL. The Academy should be fucking ashamed of themselves. To make up for this heinous travesty, Basinger was at least struck with the OSCAR CURSE and went on to make one shitty film after another. And don’t palm me off with 8 Mile either. And to make matters worse, she still had to endure another 5 years of marriage to Alec Baldwin. JUSTICE.
   
   
2. Johnny Depp being nominated for Pirates of the Fucking Caribbean. 2004.
   
   Again, I might get some grief for this but I don’t give a shit. Does anyone really believe that Depp’s moronic fucking performance in that overrated piece of shit deserves to be in the same room as Sean Penn’s nuanced acting master class in Mystic river? If so, then listen to me carefully. YOU ARE A TOTAL JIZZ JUGGLER. Or a woman. Get a grip of your deluded little self and shake yourself shitless. Depp simply does a third rate “I’m a bit pissed, me” impersonation and acts “a bit weird”. For nearly THREE FUCKING HOURS. Remember what I said earlier about range? Johnny Depp is a fine actor with plenty of the aforementioned but his Captain Jack Sparrow is a stupid, irritating, grindingly repetitive fuck-nut and fucking lame to boot. Yes, I know he didn’t win the fucking thing but he shouldn’t have been there in the first place. ARSEHOLE. At least it wasn’t Orlando Bloom that got the nod. Don’t even get me started on that cunt.
   
   
3. Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption losing out to... FORREST GUMP. 1995.
   
   I’m pretty sure I am not alone on this one and it has been talked about before but I’m gonna stick my oar in here. I HATE FORREST GUMP. It’s a fucking awful film. Sugary, sentimental, flag waving shit of the highest order. Robert Zemeckis went way down in my estimation after watching that turgid skidmark of a film.
   
   “Lahf is like a bahx of charcalates. Ya never know whatcha gonna get”
   
   I fucking do mate. I’m going to get Tom Hanks acting like an ‘off the shelf’ retard who is about as endearing as cancer of the piss-flaps.
   
   “Run, Forrest. Run”
   
   Yes. In front of a speeding articulated lorry please.
   
   I not exactly sure what direction Zemeckis gave Hanks for his performance but I imagine it went something like this.
   
   Zemeckis: Hi Tom. First day on set is pretty exciting huh?
   
   Hanks: Sure is Bob. Say, have you figured out exactly how you want me to play out Forrest? He’s kinda kooky huh? But a would-be American icon.
   
   Zemeckis. Sure have Tom. Just act like a massive cunt.
   
   Hanks: Gotcha!
   
   Now, I would have been pissed off if a film that I LIKED won best picture instead of Pulp Fiction or Shawshank but this was TOTALLY FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE. I don’t need to explain how magnificent both Pulp and Shawshank are. The latter regularly gets top billing as peoples favourite film of all time and Pulp reinvented modern cinema. What did Gump do? Oh yeah, it made me want to kill Tom Hanks. Horribly. The only rational explanation I can think of for giving that film best picture is that the academy panel consists of like minded retards that thought the film “really spoke to them”. ARSEHOLES!
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. Cuba Gooding Jnr (Jerry Maguire) beating William H Macy (Fargo) for Best Supporting Actor. 1996.
   
   Did the academy even watch Fargo? Obviously not. William H Macy is unbelievably good in that film. Truly great. He is an actors actor. One of the very best actors of his generation. His Jerry Lundergard is one of cinemas great losers. A truly pathetic human being doing unspeakable things to his own wife and yet Macy seems to make him likeable. Sympathetic even. Take a bow sir and get your acceptance speech ready.
   
   “SHOW ME THE MONEY!”
   
   Er, did I just hear that correctly? Please God, NOOOOOO!!!
   
   The Academy really went too fucking far with this one. Let me be as blunt as possible. Cuba Gooding Jnr is A MASSIVE OVERACTING BELL-END. Did you get that at the back? His performance in Jerry Maguire is so far detached from the real world it is not even funny. His Rod Tidwell is an irritating twat. People like him don’t exist and if they did they should be shot on sight. If | was William H Macy, I would have stormed the stage that Oscar night and beaten the blubbering little shit to death with his own statuette. I imagine Macy studies Jerry Maguire everyday trying to work out how this happened. Its simple mate. The academy always favours sentiment over quality. Fact. It still hurts doesn’t it?
   
   But, thank the lord, because what did Gooding decide to do with his new found adoration? He made an endless stream of shitty films including Pearl Harbour, Chill Factor, Rat Race and my favourite... BOAT TRIP!. Way to piss away your career mate. He is currently starring in numerous straight to video shitfests and is probably studying Jerry Maguire trying to work out why things have gone so terribly wrong. HA!
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. Goodfellas losing Best Picture to Dances with Wolves. 1990.
   
   Another fine example of sentiment over quality. I’m not saying that Dances with Wolves is a bad film. It’s too dull to be bad. And long. MY GOD ITS LONG. I was checking my watch before the titles came up. Did it really need to be 3 fucking hours long? Costner gets sent to a remote outpost during the civil war and gets pally with some Indians and a bunch of fucking mutts and the military gets a bit miffed about the whole thing. 80 minutes tops. Whereas I didn’t want Goodfellas to end. It could be 5 hours long and I would still be glued to the screen. Giving Wolves the best picture over Goodfellas is basically saying that Kevin Costner is a better director than MARTIN SCORCESE. He's not. Not by a long fucking stretch. Goodfellas is an absolute masterpiece. There is not one single frame that isn’t perfect. Acting, direction, music, editing. All top notch. Whereas Wolves has something inherrently wrong with it before you even sit down to be bored shitless. KEVIN COSTNER IS IN IT. Simple really. I still haven’t forgiven him for giving Robin Hood an American accent. LAZY CUNT!
   
   
6. Fight Club winning fuck all. 2000.
   
   This one upsets me more than most. Another bona fide masterpiece overlooked by people who don’t understand modern cinema. Fight Club is an era defining film. It was a 10.000 watt electric jump start to a new millennium perfectly capturing the mood of our time. It is an expertly crafted mix of dark humour and satire made by a director on the top of his game and impeccably acted by Hollywoods new method men. It is, in short, PERFECT. Sound like a film worth rewarding?
   
   Er, apparently not.
   
   The academy excelled itself by being even more out of touch than normal. They only nominated Fight Club for best sound editing if memory serves and it DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING WIN THAT. What a bunch of clueless RIM JIMMYS. It should have been nominated in every single category and WON EVERY FUCKING CATEGORY. Yes, yes, we all think American Beauty is a decent film but honestly, give me a fucking break. The Cider House Rules, The Talented Mr Ripley and Being John fucking Malkovich all got nods. Are they yanking my fucking junk with that shit? GET FUCKED!
   
   
7. Taxi Driver losing Best Picture to Rocky. 1976.
   
   Tricky one this because I actually quite like Rocky. But, lets be honest, its not in the same fucking league as Taxi Driver. Sentiment over Quality? Of course, but I wont go on too much about this one because anybody with a modicum of film knowledge would agree with me. If not, GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER!
   
   
   
   
   
   
8. Ellen Burstyn (Requiem for a Dream) losing Best Actress to Julia Big Gob Roberts (Erin Fucking Brokovich). 2001.
   
   Let me say this outright. JULIA ROBERTS IS OVERRATED. Badly. I’m still struggling to comprehend how she managed to get this award. Oh yeah, triumph over adversity. Blah, blah, fucking blah. You can fuck right off with that shit. Erin Brokovich is a chick flick. At best. I dont know what the fuck Steven Soderbergh was thinking when he agreed to direct A CHICK FLICK with JULIA ROBERTS IN IT! What an arsehole. Roberts might have given a career defining performance but that's only because she was SHIT IN EVERYTHING ELSE BEFOREHAND.
   
   Ellen Burstyn on the other hand is awesome in everything she does (The Wicker Man remake was NOT her fault so don’t even try that shit) but she still managed to raise the bar and excel herself in Requiem for a Dream. It is a performance that will stay with you forever. Its a descent into madness played out by an actress who just keeps getting better with age. She managed to make me cry numerous times during the film unlike Roberts who makes me want to cry ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Pretty Woman. FUCK OFF. Notting Hill. JEEEESUS! Hardly The Exorcist are they. And to make that night even more nauseating she cried all the way through her acceptance speech. Never before had the awards needed a fucking sniper in the balconies more. Burstyn was robbed that night. I remember being furious at the time. I still am actually. Just in case you hadn’t noticed.
   
   
   
   
   
   
9. E.T. losing Best Picture and Best Director to Ghandi. 1983.
   
   I know what I want from movies. I want to be transported to other worlds. I want to be thrilled. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to be made to think. I DO NOT WANT TO BE BORED SHITLESS. Buts that's exactly what Ghandi does. But lets be honest, it was obvious it would sweep the bored, sorry, board, back in 1983. It had Oscar written all over it and I think Richard Attenbrough knew that from the beginning. CYNICAL OLD SHIT KICKER.
   
   E.T. was and still is everything that is wonderful about cinema. It did all the things that I want from a film and then some. Spielberg is a master of populist cinema. He knows how to push our emotional buttons and he was on form with E.T. It is a timeless, beautiful film that I will always be very fond of but Ghandi is A BORING PIECE OF SHIT. So, what the fuck?
   
   Ah yes! Triumph over adversity. I honestly thought E.T. was in with a decent chance because, and lets be honest, it is incredibly sentimental but it is made with such brilliance that you dont mind. Like i said, it still makes me cry without making me feel like a pillock.
   
   The academy lost sight of what great cinema is all about that night. And I will never forgive the fuckers for it. CUNTS!
   
   
10. Titanic winning 11 OSCARS!!!!!! 1998.
    
    This will be brief. TITANIC IS RUBBISH. Face it. I only went to see it at the cinema because I wanted to see the fucking thing sink. I didn’t particularly want to see the 2 hours of turgid love story bollocks that preceded said sinking. Plus, James Cameron turned into an even bigger prick than he already was the night he stepped onto the stage grabbing his Oscars pronouncing “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!”
    
    No, your’e not James. You are a COMPLETE WANKER. And what did Cameron do next to make us all believe that he was the cinematic king of the world? FUCK ALL! He made numerous shitty documentaries about.....wait for it.......THE TITANIC. Get a fucking room you weirdo.
    
    Yes, you may have given us The Terminator, Aliens, True Lies and The Abyss but that does not stop you from being a complete megalomaniac , serial divorcing, beardy CUNT!

Anyone who even remotely disagrees with this list can feel my wrath via the medium of electronic mail and anyone who has so-called valid points to make can FUCK OFF.