Why I Know Shit
While I was visiting my "parents", I got to flicking through some bits and pieces in my old room. You see, in amongst the love-socks, the porn-mags, the piles of old Total Film and the old SNES with only STREET FIGHTER 2 still playable, I found a pile of old ticket stubs. For some reason, as an anal teenager, I decided I'd keep all the ticket stubs from my trips to the cinema. I thought I could make some modern art fixture out of it at a later date. I didn't think it would be used for a shit update on my movie blog. Largely because in my teens, I don't think the word "blog" existed and I figured once I started having sex, I'd stop being interested in films. BIG MISTAKE.
Anyway, I apologise for the 0.2 megapixel shitty macro functional camerawork from my shitty phone. I may as well just have doodled most of these fuckers. But no, I needed to prove to you, the general populous that I know what shit is. Because I PAID to see most of it.
Yes, not even ACE VENTURA 1, I paid to go see ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS. The title was the funniest part. I will go on record as saying that for stupid fun, ACE VENTURA is OK. It's not high art, but I did laugh from time to time. But a sequel? Who asked for that? Obviously a teenage me asked for it. I want to travel back in time and punch the cunt in the head.
I was going to save the best till last, but FUCK IT. Yes, I paid to see BATMAN & ROBIN. As I may or may not have mentioned before, I actually had this weird sensation like somebody walking over my grave as I walked into the cinema to see this. I just felt that something was wrong. And two-odd hours of Bat Credit cards, "Ice to see you" and Bat-cocking-girl later, I knew why I felt something was wrong. GOD, this is the shittest film I think I have ever seen. How the fuck George Clooney got out of this one scott-free is a mystery to me. He was SHIT.
This is definitely the first CHARLIE'S ANGELS as I still haven't seen the second one. Why? Because of this piece of shit. I thought I might be able to justify it to myself because there's a scene with Cameron Diaz wearing Spider-man pants but I've since realised Cameron is a bit chip-shop and SPIDER-MAN 3 utterly destroyed my faith in spider-based super-heroics. When the funniest part of your film is Bill Murray chewing on soap, you know something's gone wrong. Also, McG is a cunt. SUPERNATURAL? SuperSHITural, more like.
I almost don't want to apologise for this, as I quite enjoyed it. The last half hour is utter turd, but there are some nice set-pieces and... Well, Angelina Jolie has never been as smoking hot as she is in this film. Maybe MR & MRS SMITH (Which I enjoyed and I'm not entirely sure if Crabman hates), but she is the definition of fuckable video-game characters. In fact, that givesme Crabman an idea for an update! I went to see just about every single video-game adaptation as a teenager. They were all shit.
Oh my god, I'd really go and see any old piece of shit, wouldn't I? LOST IN FUCKING SPACE? With Matt LeBlanc? Who thought he'd be a viable heroic lead? What a bag of shit. Featuring the worst example of merchandise-based plot-insertion with that little yellow bag of turd alien thing. Also, one of the most non-sensical endings ever devised. Most of the time you have to stop thinking when it comes to time paradoxes, but this is a fucking KID'S FILM, YOU UTTER CUNTS. Who did the theme-tune update? Orbital? I remember hearing it every twenty minutes before the film came out.
I'm fairly certain I went to see the first one at the flicks and will argue any man to his death that it is a great action flick. It was probably the first and last time the cunt Sommers was any good. Also, Brendan Fraser is a great hero. He should have played Superman. But this sequel is fucking shit. I mean, really shit. I can't remember anything about it other than it has a fucking turdy little kid in it and Donna Air has a five second cameo. I couldn't even have a quick wank over Rachel Weisz because John Hannah kept putting me off my stroke.
Oh my god, how big of a cunt is Chris Tucker? Seriously? A MASSIVE ONE. I like Jackie Chan, I love POLICE STORY. I love all that manic shit. The stuff that genuinely looks like you couldn't do it, even with years of training. He is mental. And all of his shitty western films have sucked major balls. THE MEDALLION? Go piss up a rope! THE JACKET? Hang on, wasn't that an Adrien Brody psychological thriller? What do I mean? THE TUXEDO? Bunch of cocks! And did I mention how much of a cunt Chris Tucker is? You know they're still making these shit films? I want to kill. Every single day.
I post this not because I necessarily hate SCARY MOVIE. The first one was OK. It has spawned a devilish franchise of SCARY MOVIE 18, DATE MOVIE, EPIC MOVIE, SKAT MOVIE, SNUFF MOVIE and PAEDO MOVIE. I post this largely because I actually paid to see SCARY MOVIE 4 at the cinema but couldn't find the ticket. In my defence, me and my then-lass were bored and didn't want to just get pissed and decided to go and... Oh fuck, who am I kidding? I think my taste sensors are breaking down. I'm gonna be going to see ARE WE DONE YET? any second. Then I will die.
I also found the ticket for STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT, but that's not actually that bad as far as SHIT TREK films go. This one, INSURRECTION, is so bland that I have actually forgotten what happened. It is my new policy that people who pay to go see STAR TREK films in the cinema should have their virginity re-applied. Even when I worked at a cinema and they were showing NEMESIS, I would rather sit and watch BARBERSHOP than that turd. Fucking STAR TREK? No wonder I didn't get laid much in high school.
This is quite possibly the worst video-game to film translation ever committed to celluloid. I post this partially so I can tell you about the fourteen-odd MORTAL KOMBAT stubs I found in the pile. I know I didn't go see MK fourteen times, so some of them must be for the sequel - which I have now decided is the worst film ever made. When Christopher Fucking Lambert turns down appearing in your film, you know you're on to a loser. And when you manage to hire a guy who is a worse actor than Christopher Fucking Lambert, you know you fucked up. Anyway, STREET FIGHTER is awful. I don't need to tell you that. If you haven't seen it, just look at the fucking box! If you have seen it, I feel your pain, brother.
In my defence, my sister wanted to see it and I had to go with her. Seriously, two hours of fucking arse torture. I mean, I love Cameron, I've grown to love DiCaprio, but I was - along with every other man in the cinema who'd been dragged along - screaming in our heads, "JUST FUCKING SINK!" God, I think owning a ticket stub for TITANIC actually makes you gay. Quick, Crabman, get the Two Gay Men banner back up!
I had to actually look on IMDB to see what this film IS. I'm none the wiser. I had stubs for films I couldn't even remember seeing. THE CORRUPTOR? DESPERATE MEASURES? CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE? I can guarantee they were all shitty action films/thrillers I went to see out of desperation. I should have just taken up wanking as a hobby - more fulfilling and a lot cheaper. And far less embarassing at a later date. Although, if I had, this update would just be a dozen odd pictures of my favourite wank socks. And nobody wants to see that.
The worst part about paying to see this is that I started work at a cinema barely a month after this and got paid to spend all day watching this fucking shite. In fact, I think I saw this film about four times on my first day and grew to hate every single second of it. Vin Diesel can kiss my ring if it wasn't for PITCH BLACK. This is another of the weak and regular attempts to eXtreme-up James Bond that very rarely work. Remember TEEN AGENT? I probably saw that in the cinema too. What a cunt I was!
And to prove I wasn't a COMPLETE cock-knocker in my teens, I did go to see some good films from time to time. There was a pile of tickets for things like FIGHT CLUB, CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, etc. But that wouldn't be as funny/embarrassing, would it? Now you know how I know what shit is. Because I paid good money to go and see it in the cinema. I repeat again - What. A. Cunt.
Anyway, I apologise for the 0.2 megapixel shitty macro functional camerawork from my shitty phone. I may as well just have doodled most of these fuckers. But no, I needed to prove to you, the general populous that I know what shit is. Because I PAID to see most of it.
Yes, not even ACE VENTURA 1, I paid to go see ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS. The title was the funniest part. I will go on record as saying that for stupid fun, ACE VENTURA is OK. It's not high art, but I did laugh from time to time. But a sequel? Who asked for that? Obviously a teenage me asked for it. I want to travel back in time and punch the cunt in the head.
I was going to save the best till last, but FUCK IT. Yes, I paid to see BATMAN & ROBIN. As I may or may not have mentioned before, I actually had this weird sensation like somebody walking over my grave as I walked into the cinema to see this. I just felt that something was wrong. And two-odd hours of Bat Credit cards, "Ice to see you" and Bat-cocking-girl later, I knew why I felt something was wrong. GOD, this is the shittest film I think I have ever seen. How the fuck George Clooney got out of this one scott-free is a mystery to me. He was SHIT.
This is definitely the first CHARLIE'S ANGELS as I still haven't seen the second one. Why? Because of this piece of shit. I thought I might be able to justify it to myself because there's a scene with Cameron Diaz wearing Spider-man pants but I've since realised Cameron is a bit chip-shop and SPIDER-MAN 3 utterly destroyed my faith in spider-based super-heroics. When the funniest part of your film is Bill Murray chewing on soap, you know something's gone wrong. Also, McG is a cunt. SUPERNATURAL? SuperSHITural, more like.
I almost don't want to apologise for this, as I quite enjoyed it. The last half hour is utter turd, but there are some nice set-pieces and... Well, Angelina Jolie has never been as smoking hot as she is in this film. Maybe MR & MRS SMITH (Which I enjoyed and I'm not entirely sure if Crabman hates), but she is the definition of fuckable video-game characters. In fact, that gives
Oh my god, I'd really go and see any old piece of shit, wouldn't I? LOST IN FUCKING SPACE? With Matt LeBlanc? Who thought he'd be a viable heroic lead? What a bag of shit. Featuring the worst example of merchandise-based plot-insertion with that little yellow bag of turd alien thing. Also, one of the most non-sensical endings ever devised. Most of the time you have to stop thinking when it comes to time paradoxes, but this is a fucking KID'S FILM, YOU UTTER CUNTS. Who did the theme-tune update? Orbital? I remember hearing it every twenty minutes before the film came out.
I'm fairly certain I went to see the first one at the flicks and will argue any man to his death that it is a great action flick. It was probably the first and last time the cunt Sommers was any good. Also, Brendan Fraser is a great hero. He should have played Superman. But this sequel is fucking shit. I mean, really shit. I can't remember anything about it other than it has a fucking turdy little kid in it and Donna Air has a five second cameo. I couldn't even have a quick wank over Rachel Weisz because John Hannah kept putting me off my stroke.
Oh my god, how big of a cunt is Chris Tucker? Seriously? A MASSIVE ONE. I like Jackie Chan, I love POLICE STORY. I love all that manic shit. The stuff that genuinely looks like you couldn't do it, even with years of training. He is mental. And all of his shitty western films have sucked major balls. THE MEDALLION? Go piss up a rope! THE JACKET? Hang on, wasn't that an Adrien Brody psychological thriller? What do I mean? THE TUXEDO? Bunch of cocks! And did I mention how much of a cunt Chris Tucker is? You know they're still making these shit films? I want to kill. Every single day.
I post this not because I necessarily hate SCARY MOVIE. The first one was OK. It has spawned a devilish franchise of SCARY MOVIE 18, DATE MOVIE, EPIC MOVIE, SKAT MOVIE, SNUFF MOVIE and PAEDO MOVIE. I post this largely because I actually paid to see SCARY MOVIE 4 at the cinema but couldn't find the ticket. In my defence, me and my then-lass were bored and didn't want to just get pissed and decided to go and... Oh fuck, who am I kidding? I think my taste sensors are breaking down. I'm gonna be going to see ARE WE DONE YET? any second. Then I will die.
I also found the ticket for STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT, but that's not actually that bad as far as SHIT TREK films go. This one, INSURRECTION, is so bland that I have actually forgotten what happened. It is my new policy that people who pay to go see STAR TREK films in the cinema should have their virginity re-applied. Even when I worked at a cinema and they were showing NEMESIS, I would rather sit and watch BARBERSHOP than that turd. Fucking STAR TREK? No wonder I didn't get laid much in high school.
This is quite possibly the worst video-game to film translation ever committed to celluloid. I post this partially so I can tell you about the fourteen-odd MORTAL KOMBAT stubs I found in the pile. I know I didn't go see MK fourteen times, so some of them must be for the sequel - which I have now decided is the worst film ever made. When Christopher Fucking Lambert turns down appearing in your film, you know you're on to a loser. And when you manage to hire a guy who is a worse actor than Christopher Fucking Lambert, you know you fucked up. Anyway, STREET FIGHTER is awful. I don't need to tell you that. If you haven't seen it, just look at the fucking box! If you have seen it, I feel your pain, brother.
In my defence, my sister wanted to see it and I had to go with her. Seriously, two hours of fucking arse torture. I mean, I love Cameron, I've grown to love DiCaprio, but I was - along with every other man in the cinema who'd been dragged along - screaming in our heads, "JUST FUCKING SINK!" God, I think owning a ticket stub for TITANIC actually makes you gay. Quick, Crabman, get the Two Gay Men banner back up!
I had to actually look on IMDB to see what this film IS. I'm none the wiser. I had stubs for films I couldn't even remember seeing. THE CORRUPTOR? DESPERATE MEASURES? CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE? I can guarantee they were all shitty action films/thrillers I went to see out of desperation. I should have just taken up wanking as a hobby - more fulfilling and a lot cheaper. And far less embarassing at a later date. Although, if I had, this update would just be a dozen odd pictures of my favourite wank socks. And nobody wants to see that.
The worst part about paying to see this is that I started work at a cinema barely a month after this and got paid to spend all day watching this fucking shite. In fact, I think I saw this film about four times on my first day and grew to hate every single second of it. Vin Diesel can kiss my ring if it wasn't for PITCH BLACK. This is another of the weak and regular attempts to eXtreme-up James Bond that very rarely work. Remember TEEN AGENT? I probably saw that in the cinema too. What a cunt I was!
And to prove I wasn't a COMPLETE cock-knocker in my teens, I did go to see some good films from time to time. There was a pile of tickets for things like FIGHT CLUB, CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, etc. But that wouldn't be as funny/embarrassing, would it? Now you know how I know what shit is. Because I paid good money to go and see it in the cinema. I repeat again - What. A. Cunt.
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