TRANSFORMERS: Crabman's Review

This Summers movies have sucked balls. All of them. It’s no secret that DasGeordie and myself hated Spider-Man 3, Die Hard 4.0 et al and I had all but given up on this years offerings. Except for one. I have been badgering on about TRANSFORMERS for a good year now and have always said that it would be THE film to see this Summer. Of course, DasGeordie has taken the piss out of me constantly for even contemplating hyping a film based on a kids toy line that's directed by Michael Bay but the trailers kept me optimistic. Was I wrong to get excited about this film? Simple answer is NO.

Yep, I saw TRANSFORMERS yesterday and I will proudly proclaim that I fucking loved it. The most fun I have had in a long time without calling Orlando Bloom a cunt or petitioning for the public execution of George Lucas. Or wanking. It was so much fun in fact that I spent the best part of today boring the shit out of anyone who would listen at work about it. In short, it actually surpassed my expectations.

Of course, being a Michael Bay film, the script was a tad cheesy, the character development was skimmed over and there was a certain amount of flag waving but you know what? I couldn’t care less. It had big, fuck off robots kicking seven shades of shit out of each other. What’s not to like. There was problems with it sure, but the good far outweighs the bad and just to prove my point, here is the pros and cons of TRANSFORMERS.

What's right with it.

1. The visual effects.

This had to be at the top of the list because quite frankly I was gobsmacked by the work done by ILM on this film. It takes a lot to impress me these days when it comes to CGI but believe me when I say that TRANSFORMERS is a landmark in the history of visual effects. The last time I was this floored by CGI was JURASSIC PARK back in 1993. The amount of detail that has gone into the transformations is staggering and along with the truly photo realistic rendering you forget that you are watching a load of pixels and just get caught up in all the onscreen mayhem. Un-fucking-believable. If it doesn’t win the Oscar for best visual effects next year I will eat my shat.



2. Shia Lebeouf is actually rather good in it.

Now, I know DasGeordie can’t stand the man but to be honest I had never really seen him in anything so I wasn’t sure what to expect but I am pleased to say that he held the film together. He is perfect for the part of the put upon Sam Whitwicky. A nerdy virgin who gets his first car that just so happens to be a fucking alien robot. Ace. In fact I would go as far as to say that I actually liked him in this film. He’s turned out to be a genuinely good actor with a knack for humour. Good on ya mate and don’t let that bastard DasGeordie get you down.

3. The Military hardware.

Michael Bay is well known for being able to get the assistance of the US army when it comes to borrowing their stuff but he has surpassed himself here. There is more helicopters, F22s, tanks and artillery than you shake a shitty stick at and I’m sorry but that just makes me hard as a rock.

4. Megan Fox is in it.



Would.

5. The sound design.

Again, more staggering work from the people behind the scenes. Every explosion, bullet shot and building destroyed has been made to sound like the end of the world. In a good way. The transformation sounds alone are sonic works of art and if it doesn’t win the Oscar for best sound design next year I will lay off Orlando Bloom for a year. Maybe.

6. It isn’t remotely boring.

Which is refreshing in a year filled with arse-numbing, clock-watching shit-fests. I'm looking at you Peter Parker.

7. It isn’t a fucking sequel/prequel/shituel

This year has really taken the piss, what with Pirates 3, Spider-Man 3, Ocean’s 13, Shrek 10, Hostel Part 28, Fantastic 163 and Harry Potter and The Stash of Jazz Mags. And just for that, I applaud it. Here, here.

8. IT WAS JUST PLAIN GOOD OLD TURN-YOUR-BRAIN-OFF ESCAPISM WITH MORE FUN THAN ALL THE OTHER SUMMER FILMS PUT TOGETHER.

I shit you not.

9. Big. Fuck. Off. Robots. Kicking. The. Shit. Out. Of. Each. Other.



10. I had a BIG fucking grin on my face for the entire 2 hour running time

No mean feat.



What's wrong with it.

1. Mini Decepticon thing.

There is a small, evil robot that appears to be the TRANSFORMERS equivalent of Jar Jar Binks complete with comedy voice. But not half as annoying. I assume this character is for the kiddies. Nice effects work again though.

2. The score.

The composer apparently couldn’t be bothered to write an original score so he simply knicked the themes from BATMAN BEGINS and ARMAGEDDON. Lazy cunt.

3. The dialogue.

Cheesy. As. Fuck. So fucking what though. It’s a Michael Bay film for Christ’s sake. I didn’t watch if for subtext or nuance. If it wins the Oscar for best adapted screenplay next year I will laugh my arse off.

4. Err..........Um..........

I'm struggling to think of more things that I didn’t like about TRANSFORMERS. Maybe it’s because it had GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS WITH BIG, FUCK OFF GUNS IN IT.

I'm going to watch it again at the weekend and I'll be dragging DasGeordie along so expect to see a slightly different review from him next week. Grumpy cunt. I, for one, am just happy that I got to see a film this Summer that made me feel like I should feel around every blockbuster season. Like a kid again. Job done.

Roll out the DVD