It's Not Fucking Rocket Science - The Punisher
I'm really fucking serious about this. It's not. It's not rocket science, it's not brain surgery, it's not even fucking sudoku... It's A PIECE OF PISS! I could write you a PUNISHER screenplay in half an hour that would shit on that Thomas Jane abortion from a great height. I'm not blowing my own trumpet, I'd warrant that anybody out there with a grasp of the English language, a knowledge of the character and a sadistic streak a mile wide could do the same. Because It's Not Fucking Rocket Science, You Cunts.
To explain how distressed I was with the first PUNISHER film (And I'm discounting the version with Dolph Lundgren because that blatantly wasn't a Punisher film) would take more than the mere words of the English language. I'd probably have to invent some new ones. You know, like that popular misconception about the inuit having 47 different words for snow? I'd have to discover another 46 words for "Cuntingly fucking shit-stabbingly awful turd". And to be fair, some of that's not even English. Anyway, the simple formula of a Punisher film can be summed up thus.
I hadn't heard much about the director so I decided to check her out. JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCKING SEGWAY, SHE'S A FUCKING WOMAN! Who the fuck even lets women direct films never mind action films? What the fucking chuff is a woman gonna know about tearing out a man's guts with your hands and choking him to death with them? Here is a picture of her stood next to Elijah Wood. Well, not next to him, they've probably used trick photography or something.
Yes, her biggest claim to fame prior to this is that she made GREEN STREET. You may know it under a different name, but it is the film about football hooligans with Elijah "As menacing as a blind man with a sniper rifle" Wood. And, by god, that was an awful, awful film. I don't have the time or inclination to do a full review here, but that film was universally hated by every single person I've ever spoke to. It was the least threatening film and had the worst ending ever. I literally wanted to reach through the screen and strangle both the director and screenwriter. Now I know who she is, I will take great pleasure in it.
But- But- But... She's quite fit! She has her own cute little blog too. I would do strange things to her, even though she has a hint of the Maggie Gyleenhalllenhallenhal-esque Downs Syndrome about her. Also, she is a world class martial artist and has competed in competitions across the globe. Also, she went on tour with some kind of MORTAL KOMBAT stage-show as Princess Kitana. If she still has the costume, I'm open to a bit of cosplay - I'll even let her rough me up a bit.
But- But- But... She's a woman! Making a PUNISHER film! It's bound to go horribly wrong. I mean... SHE'S A FUCKING WOMAN! God, I am in such a quandary. What do I like more, The Punisher or fit women who can fight? So much confusion... Either way, we can all agree that this is quite possibly one of the stupidly easiest films to make and so far they've fucked it up twice. Really, Hollywood, it's not fucking rocket science.
To explain how distressed I was with the first PUNISHER film (And I'm discounting the version with Dolph Lundgren because that blatantly wasn't a Punisher film) would take more than the mere words of the English language. I'd probably have to invent some new ones. You know, like that popular misconception about the inuit having 47 different words for snow? I'd have to discover another 46 words for "Cuntingly fucking shit-stabbingly awful turd". And to be fair, some of that's not even English. Anyway, the simple formula of a Punisher film can be summed up thus.
- He is a marine who served in Vietnam. I don't care about them updating IRON MAN's origin because it was about war, not a specific war. But Frank Castle NEEDS to be from the Vietnam war.
- His family are accidentally killed by mobsters. Any more overcomplication than this misses the integral point that it was an accident.
- He lives in New York. Not in fucking Hawaii or whatever sun-bathed paradise they shot the first film. FUCKING IDIOTS.
- He kills people. A lot. The point I lost all interest in the film was when part of Frank's sinister plan was to give somebody a parking ticket. HE'S THE FUCKING PUNISHER! HE'D JUST SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD AND WALK AWAY! Jesus. Fucking. Wept.
I hadn't heard much about the director so I decided to check her out. JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCKING SEGWAY, SHE'S A FUCKING WOMAN! Who the fuck even lets women direct films never mind action films? What the fucking chuff is a woman gonna know about tearing out a man's guts with your hands and choking him to death with them? Here is a picture of her stood next to Elijah Wood. Well, not next to him, they've probably used trick photography or something.
Yes, her biggest claim to fame prior to this is that she made GREEN STREET. You may know it under a different name, but it is the film about football hooligans with Elijah "As menacing as a blind man with a sniper rifle" Wood. And, by god, that was an awful, awful film. I don't have the time or inclination to do a full review here, but that film was universally hated by every single person I've ever spoke to. It was the least threatening film and had the worst ending ever. I literally wanted to reach through the screen and strangle both the director and screenwriter. Now I know who she is, I will take great pleasure in it.
But- But- But... She's quite fit! She has her own cute little blog too. I would do strange things to her, even though she has a hint of the Maggie Gyleenhalllenhallenhal-esque Downs Syndrome about her. Also, she is a world class martial artist and has competed in competitions across the globe. Also, she went on tour with some kind of MORTAL KOMBAT stage-show as Princess Kitana. If she still has the costume, I'm open to a bit of cosplay - I'll even let her rough me up a bit.
But- But- But... She's a woman! Making a PUNISHER film! It's bound to go horribly wrong. I mean... SHE'S A FUCKING WOMAN! God, I am in such a quandary. What do I like more, The Punisher or fit women who can fight? So much confusion... Either way, we can all agree that this is quite possibly one of the stupidly easiest films to make and so far they've fucked it up twice. Really, Hollywood, it's not fucking rocket science.
Labels: Fit Women, Sequels, The Punisher
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