Mystic Review Pizza: Indiana Jahhhns 4

OI! OI! Faaarkin 'ell mush! I'm one gifted cahnt me. You see that poster up top? Yeah? Look at the farkin' release date. 2000 and farrrrkin 8. Mind you, fack knows what Memorial Day is. Fackin' yank wanks! Anyway, the two faggot facks that run this pile of shite site asked me, again, to look waaaaaaaay into the farkin' future to see if I could review the new Indiana Jaahhns fillum and I'm well chuffed to report that I saw the whole fackin fing today. I normally just duz a short bit but I fought this time I would do it a bit like the cahnts on 'ere do it and tell you wot's shit and wot's not shit abaht this fillum that ain't even been faarrrrkin made yet. Ere goes cahnts!

Wot's Not Shit!

• The farkin daddy is in it. Ray The Diamond Gezzer Winstone. Gawd bless the cahnt!

Wot's Shit!

• Shit 'ead Le Beef is in it as Indy's facking son. Nah, normally I wouldn't mind this but he ain't no Gary Oldman. Know wot I mean? The cahnt is a bit of a wet facker in my opinion and could do wiv a slap, although the trouble and strife and me two teapot lids laaaarved the cahnt. They can see into the future too by the farkin' way.
  
  
• The title is proper wank mush. It's called INDIANA JAHNS AND THE FARKIN JEW. I mean, are the film makers trying to fackin' offend me or summit? Some of my best china plates are Jews. I know Spielbergs a fackin Jew but this gave me the right hump I can tell ya. The story, if you can call it that, is simply abaht Indy and his Jew mate going on a quest to find some 'olocaust survivors. Fackin' pony mate! Oh yeah, those faarrrrkin' Nazis are back an' all. Just for a fackin change.
  
  
• There is a serious lack of minge in it. That fackin ugly munter from the first fillum is back as Marion. Fack me mush. I wouldn't touch 'er wiv yours mush. She must 'ave a minge like Saddam's cave. Indy even facks the old slag in it which was a bit embarrasing as I was looking waaaay in to the farkin future wiv me farkin faaaahmily to watch this and I don't like me little chavvies to watch people fackin' onscreen. Aht of fackin' order!
  
  
• That faaaarrrrkin theme tune gets right up my fackin jacksy. Williams! FARK ORF! Unoriginal cahnt. Wot this fillum needed was a soundtrack made up of good old joanna ping-pong-diddly-ding-dongs. "Knees up muvver brahn, knees up muvver brahn". Sweet as!
  
  
• 'Eres the main problem wiv this fillum. 'Arrison Fackin' Ford is waaaaay too farkin old. I mean, he's a right old gadgie. Nearly 90 last fing I 'eard. Nah, that's just plain wrong mush. He spent most of the time walkin' arahnd wiv shit all dahn his strides and that. Dirty cahnt. If he wasn't shittin' 'imself he was dribbling like some proper mong. Apparently, the cahnt even 'ad a stuntman to blink for him as he is on proper deafs door like. That's fackin Spielbergs fault that. Give the old cahnt some farkin' dignity and let him shit 'imself in a nursin' 'ome or summit. I reckon this fillum could have been saved from being such a massive bucket of wank if they got my boy to play Indy. That's right. The farkin' duke 'imself. Danny Dyer! He would 'ave been proper sweet as Jaahhns.
  
  "OI! Shortraaaahnd! Get in the truck you cahnt and stop fackin abaaaaahnt! Fackin' chinks. Be the farkin' deaf of me they will. No word of a lie mush. Nah, wears my farkin 'at gone? MY OLD MAN'S A DUSTMAN. HE WEARS A DUSTMANS 'AT. OI!"
  
  

So, there you 'ave it. Fackin' shit if I'm honest. Knew it would be. Crapman said he reckoned it would be too. Cocky cahnt! Anyway, I'm orf to the club to get shit-faced wiv me mates. Stay aht of trouble cahnts.

Kazzam!


MYSTIC EDIT: Sorry if my cockney slang is getting a bit aht ov 'and. I can't faaarrrrrrkin 'elp it can I.