BREAKING NEWS! Mystic Pizza Arrested

Farrrrrrrrrrkin 'ell mush. That's me, your old mucker Mystic in that mugshot. Banged up like some fackin' criminal or sumfin'. Wot for? Well, I had just spent the afternoon lookin' waaaaaaaay in to the farkin' future to review SPIDER-MAN 4 and it made me so fackin' agro that I went dahnstairs and gave the missus a good fackin' slap abaht. Nuffin' unusual there you might say. Anyway, I goes dahn me local after to get fackin' shit faced with me pals like and the fackin' fuzz turn up arahnd closin' time and put me in farrrrrkin' 'andcuffs. Apparently, my beloved grassed me right up. Domestic fackin' abuse she calls it. FARRRRRRK ORF! I get shoved in the old meat wagon and formally charged. Fack me mush. Wot's the big farkin' deal? I give Barbara a pasting every fackin' night and she's never pissed and moaned before. Fackin' women eh. Can't live wiv 'em, can't kick the shit aht of 'em. I tried to explain to the rozzers that I'm a highly respected reviewer of films on this site so they logged on to check me story and guess wot? The cahnts charge me wiv breachin' the obscene publications act an' 'all. I'm fackin' fuming mush I tells ya. I'm gonna be put in front of some paedo judge in the mornin' and I tell you anover thing, when I get 'aht, Barbara is gonna get the kicking of a fackin' lifetime. GRASS CAHNT!

Kazzam!