Spaff Attack: My New Home Cinema Rig
Yes, kids, you see I won the motherfucking lottery this week* and my first instinctive thought was, "I need a fucking great digital projector to make Crabman jealous." After this, "Shit, I bet my scumbag mates will want me to buy them a drink." and then "Cocks, my fucking bank manager is going to be sucking my balls and working my shaft for the forseeable future, the shifty-looking weaselly cunt."
Anyway, if you want the best, look for the best. And at the O2 Venue in Lahndahn Town (Formerly the super-shit Millenium Dome), there is The Vue - Europe's largest digital cinema set-up. It is wank-a-riffic and if it wasn't located inside the cunty O2 venue, I'd buy it with my newfound millions.** Inside this venue are housed three of NEC's finest digital projectors, the NC2500S. Or the TrouserTent5000 as I now call them. Even if you think I'm a bit of a nerdy cunt, if you're even vaguely interested in watching films at home then you can't hesitate to appreciate the beauty of this bad boy -
This fucker is hydromatic, it's automatic, why it's a greased lightning! Imagine how good this would look projected onto the wall of my two metre by two metre drugs squat! Why it'd be utterly amazing when I gave my four-thousandth showing of ALIENS which I'd had entirely re-shot on DVD using all the original actors and sets. Of course, I'd have to buy a few as I have a tendency to kick any electronic device which doesn't do EXACTLY what I want to death. This thing is so expensive, they don't even have prices on the website. It's like one of those shonky leather jacket shops run by swarthy Italians who try and convince you you'll get a deal because he just plucked a number out of the air. But with lasers.
Look at all that shit! That's amazing! It looks! It looks! It looks like a load of shit they made up to pad out the brochure. If I'm spending tens of thousands on a projector, I'm not really that fussed about a lens cover, you know? It's not going to be the major selling point. It'd be like selling me a Lamborghini and the major selling point was the lovely door handle. What I want is raw, unadulterated facts.
Now THAT'S how you do facts. Look at all that shit. I don't even understand HALF the gibberish there. My rule of thumb is I always make sure I buy technical equipment when I don't understand half of what it does. I mean, if I buy a clock and it just tells the time, there's no surprises. I want to buy a clock that has a motherfucking Flux Capacitor running on 1.21 Gigawatts of electricity. And then accidentally destroy the universe whilst trying to find out if it's time for my mid-mid-morning wank. But as I really don't understand a word of that, they might as well put any old shit there, really. I have done a new tech specs which would be more helpful.
As you can see, this is a billion times more helpful whilst also being not in any way helpful at all. It is literally the anti-help. I work in TV and I don't even pretend to understand half the shite that Crabman talks about sometimes. It's like a foreign language. Why do I need an HDMI socket again? Will it make my ULTIMATE FORCE box-sets look better? So I shouldn't be playing my X-BOX360 on a jury-rigged black-and-white 15" telly? I don't know sometimes. But now I'm fucking minted, I'm going to be doing it in style. Next, to buy a stupidly over-priced car that I have no fucking idea how to drive.
* I may actually have not won the lottery. Sometimes I don't even know when I'm lying.
** I may actually have just won a tenner.
Anyway, if you want the best, look for the best. And at the O2 Venue in Lahndahn Town (Formerly the super-shit Millenium Dome), there is The Vue - Europe's largest digital cinema set-up. It is wank-a-riffic and if it wasn't located inside the cunty O2 venue, I'd buy it with my newfound millions.** Inside this venue are housed three of NEC's finest digital projectors, the NC2500S. Or the TrouserTent5000 as I now call them. Even if you think I'm a bit of a nerdy cunt, if you're even vaguely interested in watching films at home then you can't hesitate to appreciate the beauty of this bad boy -
This fucker is hydromatic, it's automatic, why it's a greased lightning! Imagine how good this would look projected onto the wall of my two metre by two metre drugs squat! Why it'd be utterly amazing when I gave my four-thousandth showing of ALIENS which I'd had entirely re-shot on DVD using all the original actors and sets. Of course, I'd have to buy a few as I have a tendency to kick any electronic device which doesn't do EXACTLY what I want to death. This thing is so expensive, they don't even have prices on the website. It's like one of those shonky leather jacket shops run by swarthy Italians who try and convince you you'll get a deal because he just plucked a number out of the air. But with lasers.
Look at all that shit! That's amazing! It looks! It looks! It looks like a load of shit they made up to pad out the brochure. If I'm spending tens of thousands on a projector, I'm not really that fussed about a lens cover, you know? It's not going to be the major selling point. It'd be like selling me a Lamborghini and the major selling point was the lovely door handle. What I want is raw, unadulterated facts.
Now THAT'S how you do facts. Look at all that shit. I don't even understand HALF the gibberish there. My rule of thumb is I always make sure I buy technical equipment when I don't understand half of what it does. I mean, if I buy a clock and it just tells the time, there's no surprises. I want to buy a clock that has a motherfucking Flux Capacitor running on 1.21 Gigawatts of electricity. And then accidentally destroy the universe whilst trying to find out if it's time for my mid-mid-morning wank. But as I really don't understand a word of that, they might as well put any old shit there, really. I have done a new tech specs which would be more helpful.
As you can see, this is a billion times more helpful whilst also being not in any way helpful at all. It is literally the anti-help. I work in TV and I don't even pretend to understand half the shite that Crabman talks about sometimes. It's like a foreign language. Why do I need an HDMI socket again? Will it make my ULTIMATE FORCE box-sets look better? So I shouldn't be playing my X-BOX360 on a jury-rigged black-and-white 15" telly? I don't know sometimes. But now I'm fucking minted, I'm going to be doing it in style. Next, to buy a stupidly over-priced car that I have no fucking idea how to drive.
* I may actually have not won the lottery. Sometimes I don't even know when I'm lying.
** I may actually have just won a tenner.
Labels: DasGeordie Is Stupid, Home Cinema
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