Who's Your Farkin' Daddy Now, My Son!
Love a duck an’ all that, you caaaahnts, it’s Mystic Review Pizza giving you the farkin’ update an’ that on this ‘ere interwebsite bollicks. You might be wonderin’ why there ain’ been any totally unfunny posts made in, like, a farkin’ week an’ that. Well, it turns out those two uphill botanists only went an’ pissed orf a load a those filmmaker cahnts for good. Yeah, they pulled their final straw and Brett Ratner, Len Wiseman and farkin’ George “Belly for a chin” Lucas decided to put an end to ‘em. Yer see, they found out where those cahnts lived and paid ‘em a visit. Don’t ask me how they found out, like, I CERTAINLY wouldn’t ‘ave passed on their particulars for a donkey and the Sweeney box-set, you understand.
And now, those two cahnts are on the run, like me best mucka, Dr Bruce Banner. Hang on, Bruce is a bit of an air-hostesses name, innit? Although, I wouldn’t farkin’ say it to ‘im. Last time somebody knocked over his pint in the Wop & Kike down Old Kent Road, he went proper Al Garve on his mush an’ the guy was in Casualty for a farkin’ week. And not the farkin’ popular mum’s-tv drama, if you know wor I mean! So while they’re peggin’ it roun’ these fair isles, hiding from some directors wiv a fucking vengeance, I promised I’d look after this site. Dunno how long they’ll be gone, probably just till I get bored of looking into the future an’ that for you lazy cahnts.
Anyway, I thought I’d start with somefin a bit topical an’ look into the future for spooky films wot ain’ been made yet. It’s farkin’ Halloween soon and if there’s one fing me and the boys from dis site love more than their own farkin’ muvvas, it’s farkin’ Halloween. It’s the only time of the year me and the kids get to walk the streets without ‘avin’ the piss ripped for looking like fucking Italian bread-based food-stuffs. I make the missus stay in wiv a sawn-off in case any of those cahnt kids come round askin’ for sweets an’ that. Get a farkin’ job, you lazy cahnts!
So wiv a new SAW film out at the mo, I thought I’d look waaaaaay into da future and tell you what the crack is wiv some of the sequels. And I looked waaaaay into da farkin’ future, you know? I used up all my farkin’ prophetic skills to see at least THREE WHOLE YEARS into da future. And what’d I see? They’ve only gone and made SAW 24! Yeah, who knew you could make seven SAW films a year, eh? Not farkin’ me, that’s for sure!
Anyway, I’ll be back a lot more than those lazy cahnts over the next few weeks, so stay tuned for more reviews from the future, cockney-based comedy and a right old cheeky barrel of southern monkey fun. Here’s hoping those two arse-masters get shot into the farkin’ sun by them directors for bein’ such negative bell-ends. I’m farkin’ hopin’, that’s for sure! So, for now, SHAZAM, YOU CAAAAAHNTS!
And now, those two cahnts are on the run, like me best mucka, Dr Bruce Banner. Hang on, Bruce is a bit of an air-hostesses name, innit? Although, I wouldn’t farkin’ say it to ‘im. Last time somebody knocked over his pint in the Wop & Kike down Old Kent Road, he went proper Al Garve on his mush an’ the guy was in Casualty for a farkin’ week. And not the farkin’ popular mum’s-tv drama, if you know wor I mean! So while they’re peggin’ it roun’ these fair isles, hiding from some directors wiv a fucking vengeance, I promised I’d look after this site. Dunno how long they’ll be gone, probably just till I get bored of looking into the future an’ that for you lazy cahnts.
Anyway, I thought I’d start with somefin a bit topical an’ look into the future for spooky films wot ain’ been made yet. It’s farkin’ Halloween soon and if there’s one fing me and the boys from dis site love more than their own farkin’ muvvas, it’s farkin’ Halloween. It’s the only time of the year me and the kids get to walk the streets without ‘avin’ the piss ripped for looking like fucking Italian bread-based food-stuffs. I make the missus stay in wiv a sawn-off in case any of those cahnt kids come round askin’ for sweets an’ that. Get a farkin’ job, you lazy cahnts!
So wiv a new SAW film out at the mo, I thought I’d look waaaaaay into da future and tell you what the crack is wiv some of the sequels. And I looked waaaaay into da farkin’ future, you know? I used up all my farkin’ prophetic skills to see at least THREE WHOLE YEARS into da future. And what’d I see? They’ve only gone and made SAW 24! Yeah, who knew you could make seven SAW films a year, eh? Not farkin’ me, that’s for sure!
- An old man is forced to watch ARE WE DONE YET 14 on a loop until he saws his own nadgers off with a plastic spoon. He farkin’ does it after 20 minutes.
- A young white girl is raped to death by a big black bear. That one doesn’t really seem relevant to the plot…
- A chinee fella has cattle prods rammed up his arse and electrocuted until he shits his colon out of his jap’s eye. I proper loved it when he screamed, “Aiiii! My gametes!” and spunked his organs up the wall.
- A scrawny looking studenty type has rusty razor blades shoved down his throats and then is forced to go on the waltzers till he coughs up his lungs. Actually, fark, that’s not in the film, that’s what me an’ Davey from the offie did last weekend.
- A monkey is force-fed Eastern European-grade cocaine and then a young girl of eight is forced to wank ‘im orf and drink the lot. They did this in SAW 19, but it was so good, they did it again!
- A poor, sympathetic young man is forced to write the screenplay for STAR WARS VII, VIII and IX whilst a dozen sociopathic nerds look over his shoulder and make comments. ‘ORRIBLE!
- Jade Goody must eat every contestant of BIG BROTHER 20 without any cutlery or stove. She does the farkin’ lot and even finishes off with a Davina sarnie at the end! Filmic gold, that one!
- A poor elderly bird is gang-raped by eighteen killer whales whilst singing the entire catalogue of S CLUB 7. TERRIFYIN’!
Anyway, I’ll be back a lot more than those lazy cahnts over the next few weeks, so stay tuned for more reviews from the future, cockney-based comedy and a right old cheeky barrel of southern monkey fun. Here’s hoping those two arse-masters get shot into the farkin’ sun by them directors for bein’ such negative bell-ends. I’m farkin’ hopin’, that’s for sure! So, for now, SHAZAM, YOU CAAAAAHNTS!
Labels: Halloween, Mystic Review Pizza, Saw
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