Crabman Presents ANI-WANKERS!
DasGeordie mentioned in his fine piece on Eric Bana that he has never once achieved a semi whilst watching a cartoon. That got me to thinking. You see, I have. Still do actually. Certain female cartoon characters have always made me want to whack one off. Or two. Yes, you’re right, its a little strange. Perverted even. But I can’t change who I am. I like to think that I am just a lot more open minded than your average alpha-male dickhead. I am comfortable wanking over drawings. Very comfortable in fact. This has led me to sit down on a quiet Friday night while my wife watches Ugly fucking Betty, to come up with THE definitive top ten, in no particular order, of the most fuckable animated female characters of all time. Viddy well fellow ani-wankers.
1. Clover from Watership Down. 1978
Now, I know this is a bad first choice because the character in question is a rabbit but please bear with me. And before you close down in disgust, I do NOT want to fuck Richard Briers. No, Clover was one of the few female rabbits, or ‘does’ as I think they are known, in Watership Down. I haven’t got a fucking clue who voiced her and I don’t want to know. I want this memory kept pure. I was seven years old when I saw this film but I remember quite vividly that Clover stirred my loins. So much so in fact that I made a proper mess of my Buck Rogers Y-fronts. Mother was not happy. Call me an early developer if you like. When all the other kids were crying at all the little bunnies dying, I was furiously changing into a fresh pair of Y-fronts - Spider-Man if memory serves - waiting for the next shot of Clover. Bunny love. Aces.
2. Bo Peep from Toy Story. 1995
Another oddity on my part, but I will stand by this decision. Simply put, Bo Peep is a sexy motherfucker. She was voiced by Annie Potts who was the receptionist in Ghostbusters who I also wanted to bang but that’s another post altogether. It has always bugged me that Woody never ended up boffing Bo in the films. She so obviously wants it. She’s flirty, dirty and ready for the suck and yet Brokeback Woody just blushes and giggles like a fucking tool. He’s gay. Well gay. Why do you think he wants to spend most of his time with Buzz? Obvious really. If I was Woody, as soon as Bo Peep gave me even the slightest hint of a come on, I’d be pile driving the dirty hussy in her barn quicker than you can say "To infinity and beyond!". Woody? Give me a break. I have more wood for Bo than she could possibly handle.
3. Yori from Tron. 1982
Yes, yes, I’m well aware that she is not technically a fully animated character but she was rotoscoped and neon back lit which is in itself enough to make me hard. Ahh, beautiful Cindy morgan. She also played the slutty rich bird from Caddyshack who got her baps out and shagged that really goofy ugly twat. I still don’t buy that. Anyway, Yori was a young boys whack-a-day wet dream. How tight was that fucking costume? Neon camel toe action? I really wasn’t ready for that at the age of nine. I remember my dad taking me to see it at the cinema and then leaving with what was probably my first ever crush. I mean, how cool is a fit bird with dayglow flaps starring in a movie about video games? End of line.
4. Lady from Lady and the Tramp. 1955
Yep, another animal. A dog too. I don’t care though. Lady was enough to turn any young lad into a Japanese helicopter pilot. Tramp didn’t realise how lucky he was to get a date with that bitch. Yeah, he managed to get a snog whilst sucking on spaghetti with her but what he should have done is, when she had her eyes closed, was quickly swap that spaghetti with his knob. Yeah, she's a snobby rich fucker, but deep down all she wanted was a bit of the old in-out, in-out. But, it is a Disney film, so deep penetrative dog sex might have made the censors question Walt's sanity but I do think they wimped out. Dogs fuck. All the time. If they can’t fuck another dog they will gladly fuck anything that comes to hand. That film would have been awesome if it had been an X certificate.
5. Aunt Flo from Bod. 1975
Not movie related and wrong on all sorts of levels but she still gives me a pocket rocket.
6. Love-a-Lot Bear from The Care Bears Movie. 1985
By now you’re probably thinking that this list is a bit lame because I haven’t mentioned Jessica bloody Rabbit. Well, I’m not going to because that would just be too fucking obvious. My number six might be controversial but so be it. I mean look at her. Just LOOK AT HER. Dirty minx. She aint no goody goody care bear. She's a filthy slut really. The official Care Bears website describes her as ‘spunky and energetic’ who likes to “spread love”. I bet she does. I desperately need this movie on High Definition DVD so I can relive my adolescent wank fantasies in glorious 1080p.
7. Mima from Perfect Blue. 1998
How could I possibly have a list like this and leave out some Manga bush. Great film this. Check it out if you haven’t seen it. Its made all the more better by the presence of the main character, Mima. Females in Manga have always been inherently sexy but Mima really gives my trouser area a proper workout. And don’t be fooled into thinking she is all sweet and innocent. She’s filth. Just look at that picture and I think you’ll agree.
8. Lola Bunny form Space Jam. 1996
Yep, another rabbit. But this time the fuckability factor is off the scale. Bugs is a lucky fella indeed. Whereas Clover from Watership Down was sexy in a rabbit next door kinda way, Lola is just a cock hound. In a good way. And by the way Warner Brothers, if you don't want sick bastards like myself to get a stiffy over your family friendly films, DONT give rabbits PERT TITS. Its torture I tells ya. TORTURE
9. Princess Bala from Antz. 1998
This is getting weird. I now have sexual feeling towards a fucking ant. But who can blame me? It doesn’t help that she was voiced by UBER-MILF Sharon Stone. That's enough to give any chap a formidable trouser-tent. This was a toss-up between Bala and Azteca but she was voiced by Jennifer Lopez and I CAN’T FUCKING STAND HER. Also, It pisses me off that Woody Allen always ends up with the fit bird / ant. As if. Regardless, Antz is insect porn of the highest order.
10. Gloria from Happy Feet. 2006
Er. I haven’t seen this film yet but I have seen the trailers and I fear that if I do watch it I will have to pause it halfway through, tell the wife that I need the “toilet”, then pull my pudding till its sore. I love penguins you see. Who doesn’t? But a penguin voiced by Brittany Murphy will plunge me into all manner of penguin related depravities. Penguin porn? Is that so wrong? Of course not. It won the fucking Oscar as well over Monster House which was fucking mint. Why did it win? Because the academy all have penguin issues and sexy penguins will win everytime. Fact. I’m off to Blockbusters to rent the motherfucker.
1. Clover from Watership Down. 1978
Now, I know this is a bad first choice because the character in question is a rabbit but please bear with me. And before you close down in disgust, I do NOT want to fuck Richard Briers. No, Clover was one of the few female rabbits, or ‘does’ as I think they are known, in Watership Down. I haven’t got a fucking clue who voiced her and I don’t want to know. I want this memory kept pure. I was seven years old when I saw this film but I remember quite vividly that Clover stirred my loins. So much so in fact that I made a proper mess of my Buck Rogers Y-fronts. Mother was not happy. Call me an early developer if you like. When all the other kids were crying at all the little bunnies dying, I was furiously changing into a fresh pair of Y-fronts - Spider-Man if memory serves - waiting for the next shot of Clover. Bunny love. Aces.
2. Bo Peep from Toy Story. 1995
Another oddity on my part, but I will stand by this decision. Simply put, Bo Peep is a sexy motherfucker. She was voiced by Annie Potts who was the receptionist in Ghostbusters who I also wanted to bang but that’s another post altogether. It has always bugged me that Woody never ended up boffing Bo in the films. She so obviously wants it. She’s flirty, dirty and ready for the suck and yet Brokeback Woody just blushes and giggles like a fucking tool. He’s gay. Well gay. Why do you think he wants to spend most of his time with Buzz? Obvious really. If I was Woody, as soon as Bo Peep gave me even the slightest hint of a come on, I’d be pile driving the dirty hussy in her barn quicker than you can say "To infinity and beyond!". Woody? Give me a break. I have more wood for Bo than she could possibly handle.
3. Yori from Tron. 1982
Yes, yes, I’m well aware that she is not technically a fully animated character but she was rotoscoped and neon back lit which is in itself enough to make me hard. Ahh, beautiful Cindy morgan. She also played the slutty rich bird from Caddyshack who got her baps out and shagged that really goofy ugly twat. I still don’t buy that. Anyway, Yori was a young boys whack-a-day wet dream. How tight was that fucking costume? Neon camel toe action? I really wasn’t ready for that at the age of nine. I remember my dad taking me to see it at the cinema and then leaving with what was probably my first ever crush. I mean, how cool is a fit bird with dayglow flaps starring in a movie about video games? End of line.
4. Lady from Lady and the Tramp. 1955
Yep, another animal. A dog too. I don’t care though. Lady was enough to turn any young lad into a Japanese helicopter pilot. Tramp didn’t realise how lucky he was to get a date with that bitch. Yeah, he managed to get a snog whilst sucking on spaghetti with her but what he should have done is, when she had her eyes closed, was quickly swap that spaghetti with his knob. Yeah, she's a snobby rich fucker, but deep down all she wanted was a bit of the old in-out, in-out. But, it is a Disney film, so deep penetrative dog sex might have made the censors question Walt's sanity but I do think they wimped out. Dogs fuck. All the time. If they can’t fuck another dog they will gladly fuck anything that comes to hand. That film would have been awesome if it had been an X certificate.
5. Aunt Flo from Bod. 1975
Not movie related and wrong on all sorts of levels but she still gives me a pocket rocket.
6. Love-a-Lot Bear from The Care Bears Movie. 1985
By now you’re probably thinking that this list is a bit lame because I haven’t mentioned Jessica bloody Rabbit. Well, I’m not going to because that would just be too fucking obvious. My number six might be controversial but so be it. I mean look at her. Just LOOK AT HER. Dirty minx. She aint no goody goody care bear. She's a filthy slut really. The official Care Bears website describes her as ‘spunky and energetic’ who likes to “spread love”. I bet she does. I desperately need this movie on High Definition DVD so I can relive my adolescent wank fantasies in glorious 1080p.
7. Mima from Perfect Blue. 1998
How could I possibly have a list like this and leave out some Manga bush. Great film this. Check it out if you haven’t seen it. Its made all the more better by the presence of the main character, Mima. Females in Manga have always been inherently sexy but Mima really gives my trouser area a proper workout. And don’t be fooled into thinking she is all sweet and innocent. She’s filth. Just look at that picture and I think you’ll agree.
8. Lola Bunny form Space Jam. 1996
Yep, another rabbit. But this time the fuckability factor is off the scale. Bugs is a lucky fella indeed. Whereas Clover from Watership Down was sexy in a rabbit next door kinda way, Lola is just a cock hound. In a good way. And by the way Warner Brothers, if you don't want sick bastards like myself to get a stiffy over your family friendly films, DONT give rabbits PERT TITS. Its torture I tells ya. TORTURE
9. Princess Bala from Antz. 1998
This is getting weird. I now have sexual feeling towards a fucking ant. But who can blame me? It doesn’t help that she was voiced by UBER-MILF Sharon Stone. That's enough to give any chap a formidable trouser-tent. This was a toss-up between Bala and Azteca but she was voiced by Jennifer Lopez and I CAN’T FUCKING STAND HER. Also, It pisses me off that Woody Allen always ends up with the fit bird / ant. As if. Regardless, Antz is insect porn of the highest order.
10. Gloria from Happy Feet. 2006
Er. I haven’t seen this film yet but I have seen the trailers and I fear that if I do watch it I will have to pause it halfway through, tell the wife that I need the “toilet”, then pull my pudding till its sore. I love penguins you see. Who doesn’t? But a penguin voiced by Brittany Murphy will plunge me into all manner of penguin related depravities. Penguin porn? Is that so wrong? Of course not. It won the fucking Oscar as well over Monster House which was fucking mint. Why did it win? Because the academy all have penguin issues and sexy penguins will win everytime. Fact. I’m off to Blockbusters to rent the motherfucker.
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