In Defence Of THE SANTA CLAUSE Trilogy

Crabman is a miserable, child-hating pedalo for insulting my favourite Christmas-based, not-starring-Bruce Willis trilogy of films. THE SANTA CLAUSE is a sublime update of the welcoming childhood figure of, erm, Santa. The fact that it's based on a pun title shouldn't convince you to brush over it or ignore it as a one-trick pony. It's FAR from that. Tim Allen's over-the-top comedic performance allows him to do what he does best - dance around like a prat and make that sound like a chainsaw starting-up he thinks is comedy laughter.

The invocation of other childhood tales, such as the Tooth Fairy or Cupid, is a brilliant, almost Gaiman-esque plot introduction that brings a whole new level to the saga. If you imagine these films as an almost SANTA BEGINS revamp of the mythos, making it more relevant for kids today. This Santa isn't a fictional Saint, he's just a father trying to bring up his troublesome kid. The second film also introduces us to the MILF-tastic Elizabeth Mitchell, who later went on to star as Juliet in the confused TV show LOST. She completely legitimises you rubbing Rudolf's nose over Mrs Clause. Yes, mum, that is frosting on my bedroom window. Honest.

Also, THE SANTA CLAUSE 2 features one of Allen's standout performances as evil robot santa. He's solely interested in the letter of the law and becomes obsessed with sapping the joy out of Christmas. This is very close to what I become around December the 7th. I am not a robot facsimile of a fictional character beloved by children, but I can really make those around me HATE ME FOR A MONTH. Did you know more people commit suicide around Christmas than any other time of the year? It was obviously because they never got to see THE SANTA CLAUSE movies.

I have yet to see the third in the trilogy as I don't like to watch them any other time of the year than at Christmas. It's traditional, right? But I'm very excited about the addition of Martin Short - a man who made INNERSPACE, the quintessential 80s sci-fi movie about things that are smaller than they used to be. His ouevre of work post-INNERSPACE speaks for itself, so I'll not mention it here. But I'm sure he turns in an utterly charming low-key villain performance at least on a par with Jim Carrey's cuntiest role ever, The Riddler. To say I was awaiting this hopefully-not-final entry into the saga would be putting it lightly. I am ANXIOUSLY awaiting it. So up yours, Crabman! Let Santa into your heart. And Mrs Clause into your wank-bank.