Sneaky Script Excerpt: Meet The Spartans

Occasionally, we here at 2AM Towers (Fuck off, Ooshka!) get a WORLD EXCLUSIVE passed through our sweaty, hairy palms. Something so exciting that it would go RIGHT OVER the heads of the big-wig sites out there. Something so pulse-poundingly riveting that it needs to be sneaked out via the back-door that is our shitty site. Well, today is not one of those days. Today is the exact opposite of that day. In fact, if one of those days was finding Scarlett Johannsen gagged and bound and lubed-up, then today would be like waking up with a hang-over next to Michelle Rodriguez.

Today we got a copy of the MEET THE SPARTANS script pushed through our letter-box. In an envelope that seemed to be smeared in shit. And on fire. If you don't know about MEET THE SPARTANS, you are lucky. Imagine the worst, laziest, oxygen-deficient piece of cinematic "parody" the world has ever seen and then times that by ten. And add a million. After seeing the trailer, my entire family shat egg whites for a week. And the family dog talked hebrew at half twelve every day for two minutes. It's that bad. I don't give a shit if you parody some shitty teen horror movie, but taking the piss out of 300? You might as well run through every charva estate in the UK with an "I FUCKED MADDY" t-shirt and a child's doll strapped to your cock... that's how badly people are going to hurt you.

Anyway, here's a choice excerpt from the script -

EXT. STONE PATH - SOMEWHERE IN GREECE - NIGHT A group of swarthy Spartan warriors gather up the corpses of their fallen victims and pile them in a mound. SPARTAN #1 and SPARTAN #2 banter as they throw the dead higher and higher up the burgeoning wall. SPARTAN #1Ha ha, verily I did school your ass back then during that fine battle. SPARTAN #2Forsooth, varmin, you talk nonsense. And your mater is so fat, she has to wear a "Wide Load" sign. SPARTAN #1Why that is nothing, Spartan warrior man, your motherial unit is so poor, she can't afford to pay attention. Verily. Suddenly, Paris Hilton walks out from behind the pile of corpses carrying a small dog in a handbag. PARISOh my god, this is like soooo whatever. You guys are totally, like, over and that. Paris walks off behind the corpses again. Leonidas approaches. As he walks up to them, he accidentally trips over an errant duck and falls on his face. The two Spartans exchange comical glances and carry on piling corpses.

And another bit from the script as well -

EXT. SMALL VALLEY - SOMEWHERE ELSE IN GREECE - DAY The amassed ranks of the Spartan army gather in tight phalanx formation in between the high narrow walls of the [Could somebody check out, like, which country this thing is set in? AC] Valley. They hold their shields before them and point their spears towards the onrushing hordes of Persian soldiers charging them. It looks like certain defeat, but Leonidas turns to address his troops. LEONIDASI know what you're thinking, men, that this is certain doom. That we will die verily before the might of this giant army... But you're wrong! For tonight, we shall prove our worth and send their souls to Hell. For tonight... We dine... Leonidas spins to camera and produces a Big Mac and Fries. LEONIDAS..In MacDonalds! The entire Spartan army pulls out various meal deals from MacDonalds and tucks in to the tasty treats. From out of a cave in the valley walls, Lindsay Lohan stumbles out, looking confused. LINDSAYOh my god, you guys are so, like, bitches and shit. I totally, like, hate you guys. So, whatever, like, dude... She walks off. Leonidas finishes his burger and strolls back to the front of the army. On the way there, he accidentally trips over a duck and falls flat on his face. A bunch of Spartan soldiers giggle under their breaths.

Oh wait, it gets worse! This is the last excerpt as I don't want to spoil it -

INT. SPARTAN COUNCIL CHAMBERS - SPARTA - NIGHT Queen [Jesus, who thought of doing this as a period piece? I have to do fucking RESEARCH and shit! AC] Somethingorother addresses the amassed Spartan council of old men in togas and stuff. [Watch some I, CLAUDIUS and copy that. AC] Anyway, she steps up. Maybe shows a bit of titty. QUEENI come before you, oh wise nobles of Sparta, to beg to help my husband in his hour of need. In our country's hour of need. It is very important you-- She is cut off by a mobile phone ringing in the counsel. It plays Rihanna's "Umbrella". A fusty old man answers and has an argument with his wife. OLD MANYeah, I told you, it's council day! [beat] I know, we gotta debate and shit. It's awfully dull. [beat] Just put my dinner in the oven and I'll reheat it when I get in. [beat] Oh, and make sure you Tivo HOW IT'S MADE for me. He puts his phone away. The Queen sighs and is about to continue when Leslie Nielsen runs out from the side of the hall, looking confused. LESLIEGoddamnit, they don't pay me enough for this shit! I was in AIRPLANE, for god's sake! He runs off, but trips over a confused duck. The council laughs at him.

There's more comedy gold in them thar comedy hills than you can shake a big shitty, comedy stick at! MEET THE SPARTANS? SHIT THE SPARTANS, more like.

Film Classification Warnings I Would Prefer to See

STRAIGHTHEADS

Films I Am Not Looking Forward To In 2009

Well, the summer blockbuster season has closed with more of a whimper than a bang with THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM and quite frankly it has been one of the worst Summers yet being filled with pointless sequels and Chris Tucker. But, it's only gonna get worse if the announcements today are anything to go by. Below is a list of confirmed films currently in pre-production that will be ready for release Summer 2009. It's not looking good.

PAY YOUR MORTGAGE OR DIE HARD

John Maclane is against the odds once again as interest rates rise beyond manageable levels and his house becomes seriously at risk of being repossessed. One particularly memorable scene from the leaked script is a 30 minute conversation between Maclane and his police chief about the possibilty of either a raise or voluntary redundancy. The only action set piece centres around Maclane having a rather one sided argument with bailiffs waiting outside his front door. No swearing. Directed by David Schwimmer.

JAMES BOND VS FREDDY

A bit odd this one as Daniel Craig could be risking career suicide by having any part in this stupid cross-over that sees Freddy Krueger escape from Hell only, instead of carrying on with his usual, casual infanticide he decides to hold the world to ransom by hacking into telecommunication satellites and transmitting MEAN GIRLS on a loop to every single TV channel available. Society collapses and Bond has only 48 hours to stop Krueger or the worlds population will go insane. Such a bad idea that you would think that some cunt just spent 30 seconds thinking it up. Directed by Uwe Boll.

SPIDER-MAN 4

The one with 62 villains, 12 song and dance routines and Peter Parker not even bothering to put the spidey suit on. At all. Directed by Sam Raimi with some help from a clueless fat-fuck producer. Or Avi Arad as he likes to be called.

HARRY POTTER AND THE SHITTY HOTDOG

This is a JK Rowling endorsed spin-off that see Harry going to University on a quest to find the drunkest slut he can find to give a "shitty hotdog". According to the press release blurb, Harry has fucked off his ginger mate and decided that the only way he can get any minge is to go it alone in search for that elusive "shitty hotdog". I have to say that Rowling has surprised me by authorising this sequel. I've read the first draft and I can tell you for certain that it is going to be a hard 18 certificate. The dreary denoument is really rather upsetting. Dark Stuff. Directed by David Cronenberg.

BRIDGET JONES: THE CRACK WHORE YEARS

Another slightly disturbing sequel from a popular series of books that sees the titular slag lose her job, boyfriend and house and resorts to selling her flabby clunge to chinese businessmen to pay for her chronic smack addiction. Bridget's lovable persona goes out the fucking window in this sequel. It really is quite harrowing stuff. In a good way. 40 minutes in and already her sense of humour has been replaced by a homicidal dislike towards men and she ends up weighing around four stone due to fact that her diet no longer consists of Haagen Daaz and white wine but Chinese businessmen's jizz and poor quality heroin. I might be tempted to actually go and see this one. Directed by David Lynch.

SHREK FUCKS HIS KIDS

I thought this was a joke but apparently the big-wigs at Dreamworks have honestly decided to make a Shrek film that has a serious message about the ongoing problem of paedophilia and child abuse. Frankly, I think they have lost their fucking minds. If the title doesn't put you off taking the kids then let it be known that it's going to be directed by a certain Brett Ratner. FRANCHISE KILLER ALERT!!!

GUY RICHIES REMAKE OF 'THE EXORCIST'

Now, I'm just as angry about this as you are. THE EXORCIST is a flawless horror classic and one that shouldn't be remade at all let alone by a one-trick talentless faux-cockney cunt like Guy Richie. The press notes state that Michael Bay's production company, Platinum Dunes, is financing the project with an estimated $200,000,000 budget and the possessed child so memorably played by Linda Blair will now be played by Vinnie Jones. What the fuck? "Yer muvva sacks cocks in 'ell mush!" After Richie's awful REVOLVER he has been looking for projects outside of the "cockney gangster" genre but to be honest what he should be doing is staying away from a film set altogether, staying at home with his saggy-twatted wife and adopt ethnic children. It gets worse. The role of priest Damian Karras has now been given to Bob Hoskins and the mother is probably going to be played by Barbara Windsor. The film is reportedly going to be set in South London. Shooting starts in a couple of months. This is gonna suck harder than Lindsay Lohan giving James Dyson a blowjob. In a Black Hole.

TRAILER REVIEW: Bratz

I know what you're thinking... "Bratz? He'll fucking DESPISE that, why is he reviewing the trailer?" To that I'll say, HAVE YOU READ THIS FUCKING SITE BEFORE? I actively seek out things I will hate and that will make me angry. I have been unfortunately exposed to the BRATZ animated series through my job and it makes me want to beat every girl under the age of 16 with paddles until all they want are hessian sacks and Big Macs. If I had kids, they would not be allowed to watch this utter shit and the fact they're making a live action film of it - No, HAVE ALREADY made a film of it - makes me grind my teeth even more than normal. I am well on the way to Quentin-Tarantino-in-FROM DUSK TILL DAWN-having-to-wear-a-mouthguard territory. Anyway, on with proceedings.

Even the fucking font irritates me. And where the fuck is this supposed to be set? "Ooh, that's Backlotsville, just past ImaginaryHighSchoolLand and before you reach NotBasedInReality Village." 'This Summer' is handy to know. It allows me time for weapons prep and urban combat training.

Look at these cunts. What the fuck are you so happy about? Bizarrely, I never used to play Which One Would You? with the cartoon. I could tell you in a heartbeat in which order I would fuck the girls from TOTALLY SPYZ, but BRATZ girls were so bizarrely asexual and... just fucking irritating that I couldn't bring to sexualise pre-teens. And that's not like me.

Oh my god, "BFFs!" Blindingly Fucking Fitties? Backdoor Fits Fine? Boobs Firmly Fitted? Oh, sorry girls, they're obviously Best Friends Forever. BOLLOCKS. These girls are going to realise that their best friend status comes into question as soon as they make higher education choices and find a man and get a job. They'll never speak to these girls again. Years from now, when Chloe is up to her neck in diapers, having had to give up on law school and her husband is out banging his secretary like James Spader, she'll reminisce about those stupid girls she hung out with in school.

The first chance to assess the relative merits of these RADA-trained actresses. So obviously WOULD, WOULDN'T, WOULD, WOULDN'T. The blondey looks like she has potential. The goth one is... Well, she's a bit goth, in't she? Fuck that! The next one looks like Joss Stone. Joss Stone being one of those unfortunate girls who you would fuck like a dog with two cocks right up until she opened her mouth. And the one on the end is the Generic Minority. She's fine and all that, but a bit plain. Also, girls, what did you think would happen when you left junior school? You'd go to Mystic Magic Land and play with unicorns? Of course you're going to high school, you fucknuts.

Yeah, no metal detectors, no litter, no graffiti - this is definitely Mystic Magic Land. If this was set in my high school, there'd be a bunch of kids sniffing glue, massive rain puddles, everything would be stolen and you'd shit your bricks just walking to class. (This is an actual lie, I went to a really nice school full of Tarquins. Cunts.)

This is the evil Prom Queen the girls will have to fight for the popularity of their class-mates. You can tell she's the evil Prom Queen because she's ever so slightly uglier than our heroines. And, I'm not spoiling it for you here, but I'm guessing she's going to get her come-uppance at some point and maybe even learn a valuable lesson of some kind. This girl will be MD of some company by 30 and grinding girls like the BRATZ into her heels as she clambers up the business ladder.

Wow, Blondey gets better with every frame! I'd bang that into next week. Also, note how the girls look like they're being played by their mums. Are there really no good teenage actresses that don't look like they have a pension scheme and a mortgage?

Here, evil Prom Queen explains the complicated arrangement for lunchtime. Who sits where, basically. I think she has this chart laminated. I bet she prefers to masturbate with a slide rule than a dildo. You can't see at this res, but it basically subdivides into cliques. You see, cliques are bad. People don't integrate, they hide in the corners. Cliques are status quo and the BRATZ are here to mix it up! Fuck off, girls, the nerds no more want to talk to the jocks than the jocks actually want to talk to the science geeks. FUCK OFF, GIRLS!

Has anybody actually ever seen nerds that looked like this? Even in their unco-ordination, they are co-ordinated. Not one of them looks like they'v got scabies and grows rats. Also, I counted at least two birds there, which is wrong on many levels.

Goths are great. They're the only group it's OK to hate because they hate themselves just as much! What are you going to say to them, "Your entire life sucks, dude!" "Yes, I know, my life is a shambles." "Er... Yeah! It is! Fuck..." I fucking hate goths. And for some reason, goth in this country has re-labelled itself Emo and now it's OK to be goth. When I were a lad you'd get bottled just for looking at black makeup. And rightly so. No, I did not grow up in Yorkshire in the 1940s.

Oh my god, how much does she look like Joss Stone? She's totally putting me off my stroke on Blondey. Even when I put my (left) hand over her face, I keep imagining her talking in some faux Devon/American accent. But just look at Blondey, even in a kids film she's still got porn face. I wonder how many dicks she had to suck to get to where she is today. I think I'll wonder about that for another few minutes actually...

Oh no! The plot is set! The girls refuse to adhere to the Rules of the Playground and now evil Prom Queen must show them the error of their ways whilst learning a valuable lesson. Do you even need to see the rest of the film? I mean, seriously, is there not a person with half a brain-cell who couldn't do a damn good job of writing a semi-plausible version of the rest of the story? Is this what you want your kids to watch? Bullshit about being friends and looking good and how everybody bonds if they just talk and... THAT'S NOT HIGH SCHOOL! Larry Clark's KIDS is what kids are really like. This bears no resemblance to what kids are actually like. Fuck, SOUTH PARK is more realistic than BRATZ and that has fucking aliens in it. So I couldn't be arsed to do scans of the rest of the trailer - this will have to do to sum it up for you.

Yeah, lots of montages of food fights and parties and cute boys and the girls falling out, only to bond again in time for the climactic finale which involves them >SHUDDER< putting on a song and dance routine for the inevitable single launch. I despise this kind of children's film. I'd rather the kids went to see fucking TRANSFORMERS, that has more to say to them than this dross.

CUNTZ, more like.

At what point did "Oh My God" become too long a sentence to say? There isn't a word in there with more than three letters. I fucking despise text talk. I send a lot of texts and still consider it a cardinal crime to abbreviate anything. That's just utter laziness. And when I get a text from one of my younger friends and it's full of "BRB" and other such optical AIDS, I wish I had a Young Person's Decoder Ring sometimes. Or some way of giving them a nut-kick down the phone.

I will most certainly not be seeing this film, even if I got free tickets and Blondey offered to blow me during the trailers. The only way I would ever see this film is if I was captured behind enemy lines and Al Qaeda had it on a perpetual loop to torture inmates. And even then, I'd probably claw my eyes out first. I'd rather have fatal syphilis than see this film.

GRINDHOUSE: Crabman's Review

Last month I posted an article about how pissed off I was that Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez’s GRINDHOUSE was not going to be shown in it’s original back-to-back format when released in Europe, instead the studio opting for individual extended cuts of PLANT TERROR and DEATH PROOF released separately on different dates. This decision by the Weinsteins was largely due to the fact that the American audience didn’t “get” the double feature format with many people leaving after the first film. That pissed me off. “How stupid can Americans be? Stop ruining it for everyone else.” I thought. I have since realised that people probably left the cinema after the first feature because it was FUCKING SHIT and they weren’t prepared to waste another 90 minutes our their lives watching Tarantino have a very public wank at the expense of his fans.



I had the opportunity to watch the original back-to-back version today via a perfectly legitimate source on the interweb and I have to say that it is one on the most self indulgent, boring, moronic piles of wank I have had the misfortune to sit through in a long time. This is bizarre. I should like GRINDHOUSE. Zombies, gore, women with M16s for legs, tits, swearing, Kurt Russell. The lot. But I’m sorry to say that I was bored shitless after about 45 minutes, fucking furious after 100 minutes and in a coma after 185 minutes. Why?

Planet Terror

This is the better of the two features but It’s still garbage and Robert Rodriguez needs to seriously grow the fuck up. I love zombie films, in particular George Romero zombie films, but Rodriguez just fills the screen with as much over the top gore as he can without giving the narrative, if there is one, an ounce of substance. Romero always had an underlying intelligent subtext to his zombie films and that’s probably why they have become such classics. I have a feeling that no-one will remember PLANET TERROR in about a year and that’s a good thing. I am aware that it was probably just supposed to be a bit of fun but it doesn't even manage to be that. It’s like it was directed by a spotty, nerdy film student who has never had sex. Or friends. It’s THAT BAD. Rodriguez better make sure that SIN CITY 2 is fucking amazing otherwise he will lose all credibility as far as I’m concerned.

It did have Michael Biehn in it though. He's fucking ace. Go Hicks!

The Fake Trailers

I’d seen the Eli Roth fake trailer for THANKSGIVING a while back and quite liked it but after seeing all of them within the main feature all it felt like was a bunch a bum-chum, back-slapping morons giving each other reach-arounds. It made me quite angry actually. “Hey, look! We're all really good mates and we can do whatever the fuck we like no matter how self-serving it is. Fuck the audience. We rock!” Utter cunts. Rob Zombie in particular. Also, Edgar Wright has gone way down in my estimation by being involved in this bucket of shit but more importantly because he hangs around with Quention Tarantino these days which leads me to.......

Death Proof

BOOOOORING! Seriously fucking boring. I mean, I'd-rather-watch-Spider-Man 3-again boring. Tarantino has gone so far up his own areshole that he thinks the audience are quite willing to watch an opening ten minutes involving a group of cheerleader types just talking. About nothing. I’m sick of his “dialogue style” now. It was fresh and exciting back when RESEVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION were released but it’s now so tired, cliched and just plain fucking irritating that I struggled watching DEATH PROOF. Tarantino even references his own fucking films now. At one point the character he plays knocks back a shot of whisky and says, with a big shit-eating grin on his face “Now that's a tasty beverage!”. Ha ha ha. How incredibly clever. Twat! Tarantino’s ego has taking ahold of his soul and turned him into a complete fucking cunt. I genuinely hate him now and I’ll find it very difficult to watch his earlier films again without wanting to join Al Qaeda. Even Kurt Russell, who I love, can’t save it from being a total fucking drag. I dread to think what the extended cuts are like when they get released here. My advice is DON’T FUCKING BOTHER. Do not pander to this stupid cunts ego anymore. Please.

By the way, Tarantino should NEVER act again. EVER! He's fucking embarrasing to watch. Narcissistic prick.

The Film Degradation, Sound Dropouts and Missing Reels

I understand that GRINDHOUSE is a big homage to the double bills of the late seventies and poor sound, missing reels and scratched prints were a mainstay back then but when used in GRINDHOUSE you can almost hear Tarantino giggling to himself while thinking how fucking great he and Rodriguez are and how clever and "ironic" it is to make a modern film nigh on unwatchable. The sound drop outs and scratched print novelty became dull after five fucking minutes. And I’m sorry, but missing a reel out ON PURPOSE is just plain idiotic. Absolute shite. Anyone who buys this on HD DVD or Blu-Ray when it comes out is a fucking imbecile.



So, if you are reading this Quentin or Robert, please grow up, stop indulging yourselves in geeky wankfests and get back to making films that matter. I’m glad GRINDHOUSE bombed in the US and I hope it fucking bombs everywhere else. Cunts!

Fucking Transformers

Sooooo Crabman had been pissing his pants in excitement for months about TRANSFORMERS and even managed to get a dodgy rip highly legal preview copy of the film to watch on his astounding home-cinema system (Which is a story for another post). He declared it the best film of the Summer, a rip-roaring adventure and some of the best special effects he'd ever seen. He is a twatflap. It is none of these. It may well be better than DIE HARD 4.0 and SPIDER-MAN 3 and PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3, but I have just watched an episode of EMMERDALE which was better than all three combined. I have just watched an episode of DICKINSON'S REAL DEALS which had more convincing special effects than DIE HARD 4.0. Saying that TRANSFORMERS is the best Summer blockbuster of 2007 is like saying having rusty red-hot needles inserted into my jap's eye is my favourite form of torture.

Rather than doing the usual Top Ten Of Hatred, I thought I'd do something a bit more useful. You're always reading reviews where they discuss technical aspects and narrative devices and photography and the actors performance and BLAH, BLAH, WHO FUCKING CARES. I want to do an actual USEFUL review that will help you decide if you want to see this film. I mean, let's be honest, nobody really gives a flying fuck what a review of TRANSFUCKINGFORMERS says, right? It's critic-proof. It'd be like asking for a review on the bag of Monster Munch you just ate. "Good start, but petered out towards the end with lack of development around the middle." No, you just eat it and ignore the rest. So I will highlight for you the two personality types (Or "disorders", more accurately) who you will most closely match and whether this means you will like TRANSFORMERS or not.

TYPE A PERSONALITY The classic Type A Personality will look for a fluid movement of characters through a narrative and won't settle for a hodge-podge of piss-poor mannequins. They will not be simply swayed by putting A Funny Black Man in it or having A Chisel-Jawed Soldier. That is weak-ass sauce. Type A's also enjoy their films to be directed in a thoughtful and innovative pace, not by an OCD spacker with a budget and a hard-on. Type A's are usually peace-loving individuals who don't like seeing helicopters Every Four Fucking Seconds. They are the kind of people who will not let a film off because "Oh, it's for kids" because Type A's absolutely love classic kids films. ET is a kids film, BACK TO THE FUTURE is a kids film... None of them have problems, they are flawless films. Type A Personality's are also good-looking, intelligent, charming, have lots of sex with attractive women and aren't cunts.

TYPE B PERSONALITY The classic Type B Personality will exhibit signs of ADHD such as being unable to stare at anything for more than HALF A FUCKING SECOND without spinning around. Type B's have an unnatural love for flares. In fact, you'd probably find yourself sat at the bar having a quiet drink with a Type B and they might just spontaneously burst out a couple of flares and roll them under a nearby table. Type B personalities also like to talk in looooong, lingering and hysterically bad purple prose about the "greatness of humanity" and how there is "more than meets the eye" with them. This has been proven to cause 90% of most pub fights. These individuals are also stuck in the past and unable to see it for the shit it actually was. Type B personality's usually live with their mother even though they're over 40, smell of piss and BO, masturbate furiously over their G1 figures and are usually cunts.

There is a chart for mapping your personality, but basically, I can't be arsed to find it/photoshop it in a piss-poor fashion. Basically, if you think you're a Type A Personality, you will find that TRANSFORMERS is a bag of turd. If you are Type B, you should enjoy TRANSFORMERS and then kill yourself slowly.

Worst. Celebrity. Endorsement. Ever. Ever.

OK, this is fucking shit and it took me ages.

Anybody at ILM want to offer me a job?

Two Angry Men Goes All Techie And That.

Just thought I would post a little something for you lucky readers regarding a super new feature we have added to this prestigious site. If you look down the right hand side you'll see that we have added an extremely high tech data feed from the good people at box office mojo that allows you to look, at a glance, the top five movies at the US box office every weekend and how much said movies have taken. Good eh? OK, its a bit shit but it will allow us to take the piss out of our friends over the pond when they make Big Momma's House 8 a massive hit. We have called this pointless new feature Cunts Corner.

Nice.



EDIT: Happy now Ooshka? Honestly, I thought we were picky bastards.

The Four Horsemen Approach

A few posts back I pondered if the onset of Armageddon was upon us due to fact that a third Rush Hour film is being released later this Summer. Well, It’s not impending at all. Armageddon is well and truly here. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse are stampeding towards a cinema near you. Why you ask? Apparently, after the success of The Devil Wears Prada, Hollywood have decided to greenlight Sex and the City: The Movie. And God wept.

I have an extremely unhealthy hatred towards that vile, disgusting, misleading piece of shit TV series. It is the ULTIMATE birds TV show. Meaning BAD. Worse than Ugly Betty? Sure. Worse than Big Brother? Absolutely. Worse than a severe dose of cock- rot? You bet your ass it is. It’s stupefyingly awful. I sometimes have to watch it if the missus decides to torture me due to the fact that I still haven’t finished painting the fucking kitchen after three months. “Oh God, Oh sweet Jesus. Look love, I’ve got the brush in my hand, just please, for the love of all that’s holy, turn that fucking shit off. MUMMY!”

Women love that fucking show and it’s their fault that the end of the world is nigh. Thanks for that ladies. I mean, does anyone actually believe that the despicable excuses for women that are portrayed in the show reflect real life in anyway whatsoever? If you do, then you will get a very big shock once you eventually find someone that is willing to fuck you and then you’ll realise that sex is basically a quick nosh, a finger or two and five or six pumps( if you’re lucky) then snoozing commences. It is NOT hanging from a chandelier with a champagne bottle up your arse whilst being eaten out by a bronzed, six-packed adonis for an hour before being rogered in more positions than the Karma Sutra for six hours until you explode in a tsunami of jizz and Dom Perignon. Sorry to piss on your parade ladies.

All the women on that show are complete and utter slags. Terrible role models for women they are. Maybe it’s just me but I think most blokes prefer PROPER slags not upper class, whinging, well-to-do PRETEND slags that have an uptown apartment and a really good job. Utter wank and frankly it gives poor, balding, slightly fat men like myself a rough time trying to give their other halves the SEX AND THE CITY LIFESTYLE. Two minutes of sex (including foreplay) and a Pot noodle is all I can muster at the moment. Oh, and maybe a can of Special Brew. If I’ve got enough.



I am ranting a little, just for a change, but I would like to mention a few points why I not only think Sex and the City is a detestable TV show but it will make for an APOCALYPTIC movie experience.

• Sarah Jessica Parker is not just one of the ugliest women in show business but one of the ugliest people on the planet. She’s only getting off lightly here because she married Ferris Bueller.
  
  
• Kim Cattrall is WAY past her prime and rather annoying to boot. She ucks her tits out in every other episode but did she get her baps out during her film career? Not to my fucking knowledge she didn’t. If she had gone full frontal in Mannequin and diddled herself she MAY have had the privilege of being a member of Crabman’s Wacky Wank Bank, but at the moment, no bastard chance. Skank.
  
  
• Every episode I've had the displeasure to see had no discernible plot or story other than the women trying to find as much cock as possible whilst shopping. A lot. And moaning. A lot. “Oh Carrie, I’m minted with a great job and a fantastic apartment but my clit’s too small. Boo Hoo!”
  
  
• The theme tune makes me want to stick a power drill in my ear. And through to my brain.
  
  
• The writers of the show are living on the Planet Cunt.

I have skimmed the fucking surface here folks. A film based on that horrible show will have about as much to say about relationships and city living as Tron did about the plight of the native American Indians. It’s going to be bad beyond words I can’t possibly comprehend.

I have it on very good authority that the films plot is as follows:

Samantha and Carrie go on a frantic quest to find a man who has the funkiest spunk.

Hardly Lord of the Rings is it?

It starts shooting this Autumn so there is still plenty of time to get prepared for the rising of the beast. The planet was nice while it lasted.

Diet Hard XP

First of all, Len Wiseman is a cunt of the highest order. Seriously. I mean, I don't care if he donates to charity, loves his mother, once rescued a terminally ill orphan from a burning hospice... he is a cunt. A cunt's cunt. Because - just make a bad action film and you're a bit of a twat. It's not hard. But make a bad sequel to the greatest action film ever made makes you the kind of galactic cunt that would swallow planetary twats and solar pricks like Galactus - King of Cunts. And in case you were wondering what I'm talking about, this is a review of DIE HARD 4.0.

Or, if you live in America, LIVE FREE, DRIVE A LEXUS, CAP TOWELHEADS, FIGHT TERROR, EAT MACDONALDS AND JUST DIE HARD ALREADY. Thankfully, they realised that audiences outside America might not support their jingoism so much, so changed it to the far less shit DIE HARD 4.0. When I say less shit, I mean it in the same way that catching AIDS is slightly less shit than catching the bubonic plague. Anyway, I'm not even going to do the classic 2AM Ten Things I Hate About You This Film, because I'd be onto my 14th point by the time I realised what I was doing. Cunts. So here's some points I feel need to be raised in no particular order.

• Bruce Willis is old. He has aged since the last DIE HARD. This happens. It is known as "the aging process". It's happening to Crabman at an astronomical rate. I am actually de-aging. Bruce Willis is too old to be jumping off planes and making us believe he wouldn't put his hip out. I am TERRIFIED about what Harrison Ford is going to look like in the new Indiana Jones film. TERRIFIED.
  
  
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, did you see UNDERWORLD?
  
  
• Why actually film something when CG can do the work for you? I'm not even kidding, there was a shot with Bruce and Justin Long driving down a country road and they'd blatantly shot it against green screen and dropped in the country afterwards. I fail to see how it's easier to green screen in a background than actually, you know, taking a fucking car out to the country and filming it. This happened throughout the film. Several times you catch a whiff of CG background when they're driving and it's because there's a big stunt coming up/something crashes into them. So then every time I spotted some crap green screen action I was waiting for something to crash into them and it never happened. Halfway through the film I was waiting for something to crash into me.
  
  
• Kevin Smith shouldn't ever act. Ever. Seriously extending your ouevre of acting ability. A fat nerd. Go Team Smith! Maybe you could have tried to extend your range and played "A fat something else"? Maybe you could fuck off out of my DIE HARD film forever. Comedy shtick in a DIE HARD film? They always had a wry dark sense of humour, what they didn't have was a cunt with a collection of STAR WARS dreck. Also, I don't believe John McFuckingClane has ever bothered his arse enough to watch STAR WARS. Not when there are still air-ducts he has yet to climb through.
  
  
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, did you see UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION?
  
  
• Computer hacking should never ever be in an action film. I mean, when was this popular? The heyday for computer hacker films must have been mid-90s. And you know what, IT'S NOT FUN TO WATCH. Seriously, I went to uni to learn programming and had to quit after two years because I could feel my soul seep away with every line of C++ I typed. Also, 90% of programmers are cunts. Ha ha ha, I've probably just offended 90% of our readership! But seriously, there is no way to make Typing On A Computer interesting. Not even getting a nosh off Halle Berry whilst you're hacking the matrix makes it cool.
  
  
• Terrible ADR and editing. Sometimes I let films off as it could be that the Utter Numpty who the cinema have employed to monkey handle the reel together may have just sellotaped it up wrong. But not in this film. It was a proper hodge-podge. And the ADR was blindingly obviously wrong, to the point I thought something was wrong with the reel. I mean, sound production isn't my area of expertise, so I'm sure those more knowledgeable would notice a gazillion times more... But it wasn't even subtle.
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, he fucked Kate Beckinsale. Probably while wearing the tight leather.
  
  
• The climactic finale to the film was stupid beyond belief. Am I to believe that the US government would allow a fully-equipped fighter jet to open fire on a row of traffic? They'd think that was a viable choice? And whether it's real or not, the terrible CG on that F35 made it look like a space-ship from some early nineties vertical scrolling shoot-em-up. It must be pretty shit, like, because it manages to miss a FUCKING HUGE SEMI RIG four times with rockets from close range. Semi's not being famous for their maneouverability. This isn't even getting on to the domino effect on the falling road (Which, again, would cause massive collateral damage), the only part of the truck that is destroyed is the roof when the massive gun is unleashed or just, well, the entire sequence. Also, the climax to an action film should be Hero Versus Villain, not Hero Versus Man In Plane.
  
  
• John McClane apparently is the master of transport. In this film, John is seen driving literally fourteen different cars and they all get smashed. He drives a huge semi rig. He fucking flies a helicopter. Midway through helicopter sequence, the writers remember that John hates flying and throw in a couple of lines to cover. No, maybe you could just NOT HAVE HIM FLYING A FUCKING HELICOPTER. Seriously!
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a... Oh, you know.
  
  
• It actually started off all right. The first ten minutes or so are not bad. Very good low-key action scene with shooting and improvisation and John being convincingly hard. It all starts going to pot around the time the Le Parkour is introduced. I hate Le Parkour. It is this year's bullet-time.
  
  
• Everybody else seems to love it. Some cunt actually applauded at the end of the showing Crabman and I attended. This is England! We don't applaud! All the charva cunts streamed out going on about it "being totally belta" and "proper sweet". I knew I should have rigged the exit to the screen with land-mines...

I could literally go on and on and post several billion petty bits I hated, like the fact John manages to travel half the country in a very short time or that he decides to kill someone with a truck despite all logic suggesting he shouldn't or that the CG was terrible throughout or that he should have been dead a hundred times over or that they still managed to bleep out "Motherfucker" or that the bad guy was rubbish or... Longest run-on sentence EVER! Suffice to say, I am losing all faith in cinema and if I don't see a good action film soon I may just give up and get into Merchant Ivory.

I'm even so angry I can't be arsed to photoshop a cock onto a picture of Justin Long. Seriously angry. I'm sure Crabman had one lined up before the film which he can post as he knew it would be rubbish. Don't worry, I'll have my revenge when he forces me to see TRANSFORMERS and I explain why it's shit in lengthy detail.

Is Armageddon Imminent?

Yesterday, DasGeordie and myself went to see Die Hard 4.0 (to be reviewed shortly) and after we’d sat through the usual ten minutes of TV ads that, quite frankly, I hate watching at home for free let alone paying to fucking see them, the trailers started. I usually look forward to the trailers but after yesterday I think I will just stay in the toilet and take a dump until the film starts in future. Why? Because I had to watch the trailer for Rush Hour 3.

Now, I’m not sure who asked for a third instalment of this nauseating franchise but whoever it was needs to be lined up and shot. With rusty bullets. I watched the first one on TV years ago because there was genuinely fuck all else on and I HATED IT. With a passion. The reason for much of the hatred is attributed to Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker is a cunt of almost unimaginable calibre. I can’t fucking stand him. We should be thankful that he makes very few films. In fact, his last two films were Rush Hour 1 and 2. That gives you a pretty good indication of the cunt’s acting range. Prick. He ruined The Fifth Element with his squeaky, gurning, over-the -top performance and Luc Besson should be fucking ashamed of himself for casting the twat. The only film I want to see Tucker in is Hostel Part 3 where Eli Roth decides to forego a storyline in favour of just torturing the irritating fuck for 90 minutes. For real.



Obviously, Chris Tucker is the main reason for hating Rush Hour but I found more reasons as the trailer went on. After about 25 seconds, someone came on screen that I instantly recognised. “Nah, it can’t be” I thought “It fucking well is” I realised. Yep, a certain Roman Polanski has a role in Rush Hour 3 as a snooty French detective. What the fuck is going on? Roman Polanski? The man who directed Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby is now acting in sub-retard-level dreck like Rush Hour 3. My rage level at this point during the trailer was at DEFCON 3.



About 50 seconds in, Max Von Sydow appears on screen. For fucks sake! Max, what are you doing? There must be better roles that you can take. I mean, you’re Father Merrin. You played chess with death in The Seventh Seal. Where’s your dignity? Oh, fuck ya then. DEFCON 2.



The rest of the trailer consisted of the usual Jackie Chan stuntwork/chop socky wank that we all got bored of about ten fucking years ago and Chris Tucker, as per usual, thinking he’s the new Michael Jackson whilst simultaneously piling on the “ladies man” bullshit. OXYMORON ALERT! Whenever something “funny” happened during the trailer, the rest of the cinema laughed like a bunch of lobotomised drones while DasGeordie and myself just sat there with steam coming out of ears and blood seeping from our eyes.

This lasted nearly two minutes, of which, I will never get back but I did have to laugh to myself at the end of the trailer. Voice-over man proudly proclaimed "DIRECTED BY BRETT RATNER!". I would keep that part quiet if I were you mate. Brett Rent-A-Hack Ratner? Please. He’s a fucking awful director who managed to fuck up the X-Men franchise plus other films on his CV include Rush Hour 1 and 2. What a cunt.



Anyone who actually pays to go and see Rush Hour 3 this Summer please bear these points in mind:

• You are helping Satan in his quest for Armageddon
  
  
• You have no life/girlfriend/boyfriend
  
  
• You are a cunt
  
  
• Get off this site
  
  
• Please kill yourself

DEFCON 1

A Genuine Celebrity Product. That's SHIT!

John Hannah himself phoned me today to ask if we would be kind enough to advertise his new product on the site. Being a old friend of John's I told him to fuck off and stop wasting his hard earned cash on developing mobile shithouses but he started crying like a fucking baby like he always does so I caved in, being the gentile, kindhearted person that I am.

DasGeordie has never liked John and whenever we all go out for beers John will always get pissed and start whinging on with stuff like "It's not fair. Why won't they make another Mummy film? I'm fucking skint" or "Lend us a tenner Crabman, I'll pay you back when they get round to making another Mummy film" Honestly, he can be a right cunt sometimes but he's a mate, so what can ya do.

If successful with this new product, he said he will give up acting altogether. So, please, for everyone's sake. FUCKING BUY ONE.

Pointless Fucking Remakes #4: The Omen

After the success of The Exorcist in 1973, studios were falling over themselves to get on the beelzebub bandwagon. In 1976, 20th Century Fox called upon Richard Donner to direct ‘The Omen’ written by David Seltzer. The rest, of course, is history. The tale of Satan’s son, born of a jackal but brought up by an American ambassador and his wife was a massive success and won Jerry Goldsmith an academy award for his stonkingly creepy score. The film is now, deservedly so, deemed a classic.

I remember first seeing The Omen when I was about 12 years old and quite frankly it shit me right up. The nanny hanging herself at Damien’s birthday party, THAT decapitation, those fuck-scary rottweilers and Billy Whitelaw's cack-inducing nanny from hell (literally) all played out to music that was obviously designed to make shit fall out of your arse and into your pants. Great stuff. Richard Donner’s assured direction earned him his next gig, directing Superman:The Movie. OK, it’s not up there with The Exorcist in terms of quality but just for it's pure, pulpy nonsense it was fantastic . It certainly couldn’t be improved upon.

SO WHY FUCKING REMAKE IT?

Some twat at 20th Century Fox obviously had the great idea to remake it simply because the date 06.06.06 was looming as indeed that was when it was eventually released worldwide. Yes, the remake was designed around a stupid fucking marketing device that was so cynical it beggared belief. The studio would have us believe that the time was ripe for a remake, to bring the story to a new audience while updating it for a post 9/11 world. Bollocks. The “new” audience can, quite honestly, fuck off. Watch the original you fucking morons. “But, isn’t The Omen 30 years old? I bet it's well shit. Let’s go see American Pie 8: Flute up my Arse” Arghhhh.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg as to what’s wrong with this pointless fucking remake. Here’s a few example of it’s utter shitness.

• It was directed by John Moore who’s previous remake of Flight of the Phoenix was also complete shit.
  
  
• The character originally played by the beautiful and talented Lee Remick is now being played by...........Julia Stiles. Please, fuck right off with that shit. She’s rubbish.
  
  
• Liev Shreiber is about as convincing an American ambassador as I am a full-on porn swordsman and has about 0.002% of Gregory Peck’s charisma and screen presence.
  
  
• David Thewlis should know better.
  
  
• So should Pete Postlethwaite.
  
  
• The kid playing Damien has a constant “evil” look on his face therefore completely fucking up the whole “the kid doesn’t know he is the son of Satan” idea which made it so scary in the first place. Also, he's not creepy. In the fucking slightest. Nice casting there folks. Dickheads.
  
  
• It has pointless dream sequences in it.
  
  
• Mia Farrow is NOT Billie Whitelaw and never fucking will be.
  
  
• The score is generic and forgettable. If you really have to remake The Omen then at least keep Goldsmith’s score you clueless rim-jimmys.
  
  
• IT ISN’T REMOTELY SCARY OR UNSETTLING!

But, worst of all, the remake follows the original almost word for word including all the infamous death scenes. Now, can somebody please explain to me the point of remaking an already great film then doing absolutely fuck all new with it except giving it slicker visuals and better sound because I am at a complete fucking loss here. It was almost as bad as Gus Van Sant’s stupendously pointless and near heretical shot-for-shot ‘Psycho’ remake of which I’m sure I will be posting something about in the near future.

I could go on and on about why I hated this remake but you can’t be arse to read anymore and I can’t be arsed to write anymore.

Up yours!

Yet Another Fucking Celebrity Product

This wasn't my fault. I've just had those crazy Scientologists round my gaff and they spent six hours brainwashing me and said that if I didn't promote Mr Cruise's wares on this site then they were going to bum me to death with Ron Hubbard's mummified cock. They scared me. Honest. Guv.

Alright, I was bored OK. FUCKING BORED!

Are Americans A Bit Thick? New Evidence!

Upon hearing that Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez were about to make a double bill feature paying homage to the sleazy grindhouse features of the 70’s I was genuinely excited. I mean, I grew up on a lot of that stuff. Zombie Flesh Eaters, I Spit on Your Grave, SS Experiment Camp and Cannibal Holocaust. All great. Of course, I was far too young to actually see them at the cinema but I was old enough to be able to walk into my local video store (before all that Blockbuster bollocks) and hire any manner of depraved, violent and shit scary film due to the fact that this was all before the video nasties hoo-har and the video recordings act of 1984. Fucking spoilsports by the way.

GRINDHOUSE was going to be two 90 minute features starting with Rodriguez’ ‘Planet Terror’ and Tarantino’s ‘Death Proof’. Both features were to be seperated by some faux horror trailers made by such people as Eli Roth and Edgar Wright. Sounds fucking ace doesn’t it? Well, the American audience didn’t seem to think so. It bombed. Badly. To date it has only taken around $23 million on a combined production/marketing budget of $100 million.



"Oi! Yanks! What exactly didn't you understand about this poster you fucking nimrods?"

Why did it bomb? Apparently, US audiences got a bit confused by the concept of a double bill and walked out after the first feature, Planet Terror, thinking that was it and no doubt spreading terrible word of mouth that the film was "a bit short". Fucking. Idiots! The trailers and marketing campaign clearly stated the 2 for 1 double bill gimmick but they still didn’t FUCKING GET IT! Now, I’m aware that GRINDHOUSE was always going to have a niche market and it wasn’t going to do the now benchmark $200 million for a blockbuster but honestly, it should have done MUCH better.

The films financial backer, Harvey Weinstein, has now decided that due to the poor US showing he is going to spilt GRINDHOUSE in two and show extended cuts of each film seperately when they are eventually released in Europe. Here’s a quote from Weinstein explaining one of his reasons.

"I don't think people understood what we were doing. The audience didn't get the idea that it is two movies for the price of one. I don't understand the math, but I want to accommodate the audience."

Eh? Fuck off will ya. What you mean is that AMERICAN audiences were too fucking thick to understand the concept of the double bill. Please do not put the rest of the world in the same IQ bracket as the good old US of A. Us Europeans are a much more cultured people. I mean, just look at the rest of this site if you don’t believe me.



Also, Weinstein mentioned that the three hour running time may have put off the punters. Hmm. He may have a point because ‘The Return of the King’ was just over three hours long and that only made..........$1.12 BILLION at the worldwide box office. Fucking arsehole.

So, to round up.

• The majority of Americans are thick.
  
  
• Harvey Weinstein is a clueless, fat cunt with no artistic integrity whatsoever who has completely missed the point and is treating the rest of the movie going public like retards.
  
  
• All the other people (Europeans) that would have GOT the Grindhouse concept now won’t get the chance to see it as originally intended thus rendering it completely fucking pointless.
  
  
• Quentin Tarantino is a megalomaniac sell-out cocksucker that would rather have his original vision compromised just because he can’t stand the thought of one of his films doing badly.
  
  
• Same for Rodriguez.

Instead of looking forward to sitting down in a cinema to watch the full glorious three hour GRINDHOUSE experience, I shall now not bother watching either full length feature AT ALL because, as I may have already pointed out, the double bill was THE WHOLE FUCKING BASTARDING POINT!

I’ll wait for the DVD that will hopefully have the original cut on it.

Fucking shit-balls to the lot of ya!

One More Shit Celebrity Product

OK, OK. I promise this will be the last stupid fucking Photoshop post for at least an hour and I also promise that by the end of today I will post my thesis on the French new wave movement of the 1950's and 60's. It's tres bien!