Two Angry Men

I heard all the plaudits, saw the SOON TO BE RECEIVING LOTS OF AWARDS, TRUST US TV ads and spent months having everybody tell me how good it looked, so I went to see CRASH with mi'lady when it got its cinema release. I knew next to nothing at all about the script, the story, what happened, etc - a rarity in this day-and-age of internet spoilerage. All I knew was it was Paul Haggis and DUE SOUTH was one of my favourite TV shows of all time. Several episodes made me cry. I mean, cry in a really manly way at the bit where the mountie kills those inuit to death with a caribou antler.

I was quite excited at the prospect of seeing something new and unspoilt. I mean, I can write out the fucking script to Spider-man 3 right now if you want and it's not on release for another couple of weeks. And whilst I thought it was a well-made script and had some work-a-day direction that relied on slow-motion and female choirs to Present Importance... It also helped teach me several valuable lessons about modern society:-

If you're a man subjugated and put-upon because of your race for your entire career as a TV producer in a largely white middle-class male environment - go holler at some cops and join in with some random street-based destruction in the ghetto and everything will be right as rain. All that money, chance to create, nice house and car is nothing if you can't wig out and set fire to a car every now and again.
If you're a wealthy upper-class white bitch who nobody likes, the only people who will ever like you will be the ones you PAY to be there. Yes, Magic Negro Maid Services will now deliver to your door. It doesn't matter if you're a racist bitch eleven times out of ten, the stupid cunt who scrubs your shoes will forgive you for it (Or say nothing for fear of being reported to immigration).
If you're a black man who achieves great success as a detective, gets out of a rough neighbourhood, leaves behind your drug-habit-having mother, your car-jacking brother and do your damndest to help anybody and not cut any corners - you should have just stayed where you are, because nobody likes a black man who does well and will treat you like a deserting shit for your entire life. Also, you should never ever appear in a film and try to do a Cockney accent, you fucking twat.
If you're a car-jacker who only steals from white people thereby fulfilling all white people's secret hopes that black people are racist too, all it takes is one Life-Changing Meeting (TM) with another angry black man and you'll change your ways and become a crazy humanitarian, risking life and limb to save others. This also works if you're a gold-jacker in the Gulf War and have a Life-Changing Meeting with some crazy middle-easterners.
If you're a man who makes up stupid stories about magic cloaks that stop bullets, you have to know that within the next day or so some fucker is gonna get shot. You might as well have hung a big "Shoot Me, Fools!" sign around your neck. It's bad enough if you tell this story to a grown adult, but to tell it to an impressionable child who'll think, "Well, daddy made me a magic invisible bulletproof vest and he wouldn't lie to me. I mean, that Santa shit was maybe a bit cold, but NOT THIS." is retarded.
If you get mistaken for an Iraqi/Islamic/Towelhead/Generic Middle-Easterner, the best way to avoid stereotyping yourself and thereby fanning the flames of hatred you're trying to avoid is flaunt your ignorance and then shoot the guy who tries to save you - THAT'LL TEACH US!
If you're a bleeding-heart do-gooder white man, it doesn't matter what you do, life will always make you into a murdering bigot. Yes, god hates you because you put your career and all your friendships on the line to help out a poor black man. Also because the white middle-class viewership wants to have their secret hopes fulfilled that you shouldn't really help the black people cos they'll just trick you into killing them and you'll go to jail. The tricksy black folk! (PS - Or maybe you were a racialist all along. Irony!)
If you're a bigoted white man who's shown no remorse at the way he treats black people, simply earn your reward in heaven by doing your job and rescuing a black woman who will love you FOREVER! Despite the fact you're only doing your job and would in fact have been punished for LETTING A WOMAN BURN TO DEATH. Oh, and you can treat anybody like shit if you've got a disabled family-member, because bigotry against the disabled is FAAAAAR worse.
If you want to go see a film about racism for middle-class white people, go rent CRASH.
If you ever want to have sex again, do not spend an hour post-film explaining these points to a girl who obviously enjoyed it, you never-knowing-when-to-be-quiet motherfucker.

And inevitably this film went on to win the 2006 Oscar for Best Film, Best Use Of Unsubtle Racism Commentary, Best Use of Sandra Bullock Swearing, Most Poor Use Of Thandie Newton Where We Can't See Any Hint Of Tit, Second Best Film Starring Ryan Phillipe and Best Way To Upset Over-thinking White People On Behalf of Black People. I'm not black, never have been, but that shouldn't stop me from commenting on perceived racism of ANY KIND. And this film wound me up something rotten. Even those who enjoyed it must see some of the mixed messages being sent out. And I still love DUE SOUTH, Mr Haggis. And I was only kidding about the manly crying, I'm a big crying lady man really.