Crabman Presents PUPPET-FUCKERS!
I was in quite a chirpy mood today so I thought I would give my cynicsm a rest for a change. When in this kind of mood, which isn’t very often, I wonder what positive, enlightening material I can post on the site for you, the readers. I racked my brain and I came up with a doozy that's sure to delight. Back in April I wrote an upbeat article concerning the top ten animated characters that I would most like to boff so I thought another top ten might be of interest, this time being the top ten movie puppets that I think need a good seeing to. In a sexy way.
So, without further ado. Lets fuck some puppets fellow Puppet-Fuckers.
1. Salacious Crumb: Return Of The Jedi 1982
Odd choice this. But one I stand by. Mr S Crumb is Jabba’s bezzie mate. He sits by his side come day, come night and is always on hand to rip the eyes out of gay robots whenever the need arises. He's a stand up guy and a friend I would love to have. I suppose this is just another one of my weird observations but just look at the way he sits in that come-hither-and-fuck-me-ragged kind of way. Its not all about looks you know.
2. ED-209: Robocop 1987
Ok, another strange one but bear with me. ED-209 is a bad-ass. With a GREAT ASS! I mean, Robocop was a cool motherfucker and all but it was Ed that ruined my cacks the first time I set eyes on him. He soooo domineering.
“Drop your pants! You have 20 seconds to comply”
You're the boss Ed. You're the boss.
3. Paris: Troy 2004
For such a big budgeted epic directed by a major director I was a little perplexed as to why the film makers decided to use a puppet for the role of Paris. A fucking shit puppet at that. It looked so fake it became quite distracting. Eric Bana must have felt a right dickhead acting opposite a marionette. But, as this is puppets that I wouldn’t mind bell-ending I’m not so sure. I suppose it could give me a quick one off the wrist. No kissing though. WRONG!.
4. Mr and Mrs Spoon: Button Moon 1980-1987
Not movie related but just look at the filthy, key-swapping, swinging-dick motherfuckers. Think of the possiblilties of THAT threesome. Mr Buttons got a dildo for a nose for fucks sake. Awesome. Or, I could wait for Mr Spoon to fuck off to Button Moon for the day then I could get some one-on-one action with the missus. Proper button-flicking action. The lot. Sweeet.
5. The Dog-Alien Thingy: Alien 3 1992
Yes, it was a rod puppet. Thats why it looked like shit. Now, I don’t neccessarily fancy this puppet but I am intrigued by the prospect of cross-breeding myself with it. An artists impression of the possible outcome is below.
6. Miss Piggy: The Muppet Movie 1979
I had to put a Puppet-Fucker favourite in here. She’s great is old Piggy. I used to fancy her when I was just an ankle biter. Hardly ironic then, that in later life that I would go on to have many short lived relationships with pigs. Apparently, I was the grateful one. But what is ironic is that Miss Piggy could’ve been the one girlfriend that wouldn't have minded me sticking my hand up her gary.
7. Medusa: Clash Of The Titans 1981
Scary. Mother. Fucker. I remember quite vividly almost shitting myself when I saw this at the cinema as a young boy. That scary assed noise she made. Parp! But at the same time you have to respect such an independent woman. She lives alone with only her snake-bouffant for company because she don’t need no man to pay the rent yo. She wouldn’t look out of place in Destiny’s Child. Even better, if you did manage to get invited round for drinks at her place and things got a little steamy you wouldn't have to worry about your brewer’s droop as just one look from her at your todger and its ROCK BABY!
8. Lisa: Team America 2004
No words. Just look. (Shitty small Jpeg alert!)
9. Fizzgig: The Dark Crystal 1982
Fuck me, I really am scraping the barrel here but you don’t you think that Fizzgig looks just a little bit like a fanny? No? Less Lithium it is for me then.
10. Unknown Puppet: Some Crappy Short Film By Some Wanky Student
Finishing this list has been trickier than I thought but I did manage to find this pic on the interweb that rocked my world.
So, without further ado. Lets fuck some puppets fellow Puppet-Fuckers.
1. Salacious Crumb: Return Of The Jedi 1982
Odd choice this. But one I stand by. Mr S Crumb is Jabba’s bezzie mate. He sits by his side come day, come night and is always on hand to rip the eyes out of gay robots whenever the need arises. He's a stand up guy and a friend I would love to have. I suppose this is just another one of my weird observations but just look at the way he sits in that come-hither-and-fuck-me-ragged kind of way. Its not all about looks you know.
2. ED-209: Robocop 1987
Ok, another strange one but bear with me. ED-209 is a bad-ass. With a GREAT ASS! I mean, Robocop was a cool motherfucker and all but it was Ed that ruined my cacks the first time I set eyes on him. He soooo domineering.
“Drop your pants! You have 20 seconds to comply”
You're the boss Ed. You're the boss.
3. Paris: Troy 2004
For such a big budgeted epic directed by a major director I was a little perplexed as to why the film makers decided to use a puppet for the role of Paris. A fucking shit puppet at that. It looked so fake it became quite distracting. Eric Bana must have felt a right dickhead acting opposite a marionette. But, as this is puppets that I wouldn’t mind bell-ending I’m not so sure. I suppose it could give me a quick one off the wrist. No kissing though. WRONG!.
4. Mr and Mrs Spoon: Button Moon 1980-1987
Not movie related but just look at the filthy, key-swapping, swinging-dick motherfuckers. Think of the possiblilties of THAT threesome. Mr Buttons got a dildo for a nose for fucks sake. Awesome. Or, I could wait for Mr Spoon to fuck off to Button Moon for the day then I could get some one-on-one action with the missus. Proper button-flicking action. The lot. Sweeet.
5. The Dog-Alien Thingy: Alien 3 1992
Yes, it was a rod puppet. Thats why it looked like shit. Now, I don’t neccessarily fancy this puppet but I am intrigued by the prospect of cross-breeding myself with it. An artists impression of the possible outcome is below.
6. Miss Piggy: The Muppet Movie 1979
I had to put a Puppet-Fucker favourite in here. She’s great is old Piggy. I used to fancy her when I was just an ankle biter. Hardly ironic then, that in later life that I would go on to have many short lived relationships with pigs. Apparently, I was the grateful one. But what is ironic is that Miss Piggy could’ve been the one girlfriend that wouldn't have minded me sticking my hand up her gary.
7. Medusa: Clash Of The Titans 1981
Scary. Mother. Fucker. I remember quite vividly almost shitting myself when I saw this at the cinema as a young boy. That scary assed noise she made. Parp! But at the same time you have to respect such an independent woman. She lives alone with only her snake-bouffant for company because she don’t need no man to pay the rent yo. She wouldn’t look out of place in Destiny’s Child. Even better, if you did manage to get invited round for drinks at her place and things got a little steamy you wouldn't have to worry about your brewer’s droop as just one look from her at your todger and its ROCK BABY!
8. Lisa: Team America 2004
No words. Just look. (Shitty small Jpeg alert!)
9. Fizzgig: The Dark Crystal 1982
Fuck me, I really am scraping the barrel here but you don’t you think that Fizzgig looks just a little bit like a fanny? No? Less Lithium it is for me then.
10. Unknown Puppet: Some Crappy Short Film By Some Wanky Student
Finishing this list has been trickier than I thought but I did manage to find this pic on the interweb that rocked my world.
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