Three Will Suffice Thank You Very Much.
Everybody loves Indiana Jones films. And bloody right too. Spielberg was on peak form when he made those films. Beware the person that says Raiders of the Lost Ark is badly overrated or Temple of Doom was too dark or River Pheonix was off his tits on goof-balls during The Last Crusade. People who say such things are obviously complete twats with hearts of stone and shit for brains. The Indy trilogy is what popcorn cinema is all about. But, here is a question for you. Are you excited about the fourth in the series due out in 2008 apparently titled Indiana Jones and The City of Gods? Yes? Well, you fucking well shouldn’t be.
Why? Simple. The number four. Or 4. Or IV.
You see, a few exceptions aside, the fourth film in any franchise always sucks balls. Of course, most franchises adhere quite strictly to the law of diminishing returns but the fourth in a series always manages to be stupifyingly awful. Don’t believe me.? Here is a list of shitty fucking films that just happened to be the fourth film in a franchise.
Batman and Robin. A gay Batman film and that simply will not do.
Alien: Resurrection. Head scratchingly bad. Directed by an art house bell-end.
Lethal Weapon 4. No mullet = Shit Lethal Weapon film.
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Taking the piss now.
Exorcist 4: Both Versions. Who the fuck let Renny Harlin direct an Exorcist film?
Omen IV: The Awakening. Made for TV. Fucking says it all.
Jaws 4: The Revenge. The very notion of a shark out for revenge is retarded. Just don't go in the sea you fucking spanners.
Hellraiser 4: Bloodline. Straight to video. Say no more.
Rocky IV. Stupid U.S. vs Commies bollocks that's quite offensive when you really think about it.
Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home. They travel back in time to pick up a whale. ???????
Superman 4: The Quest for Peace. Nuclear Man. Shit effects. Franchise fucked.
Episode 1 of that Star Wars thingy of which I no longer speak.
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. Fair enough. They all blow.
I could go on but frankly I think I’ve made my point. Not convinced? Well, have you seen the trailer for Die Hard 4.0 or Live Free Or Die Hard if you live over the pond? IT’S FUCKING TERRIBLE. Now, I love the Die Hard films but I just know this is gonna be wank. Two words. Len Wiseman. Yes, the genius auteur who gave us the Underworld films. Which were shit. Really shit. And just because he’s banging Kate Beckinsale does not give him any cool points. It simply means that he’s well endowed. He’s a cunt basically and the trailer confirms that. Take a look if you haven’t seen it. The Kevin Smith cameo is so bad I nearly threw my laptop out the window. Kevin Smith. There’s another sell out nob-cheese that has lost all semblance of credibility. Fat fuck! I can’t wait for Clerks 4.
Shrek 4 has already been greenlit even though the reviews for the incoming Shrek the Third have been terrible. Rush Hour 4 will no doubt infest our cinemas after the third makes a gazillion squid this summer and there is already talk of another bastard Pirates film. There is no God. And fuck knows what Spider-Man 4 will be like. What does scare me though is The Hobbit. I love the ‘Rings’ trilogy and the thought of a prequel gets my dick twanging but then news came that pissed me right off. Peter Jackson will NOT be directing but New Line are in negotiations with.......Sam Raimi. Have they fucking seen Spider-Man 3? Jesus.
So, to round up. Please do not get excited about Indiana Jones And The City Of Gods because it will only end up with you leaving the cinema wanting to go on a killing spree. Harrison Ford is too fucking old, Shia Lebeouf is in it and to be honest I’m getting a little fucked off with buying trilogy boxsets only for the cunts to go and make a fourth thereby fucking up my DVD feng-shui. ARSEHOLES!
Why? Simple. The number four. Or 4. Or IV.
You see, a few exceptions aside, the fourth film in any franchise always sucks balls. Of course, most franchises adhere quite strictly to the law of diminishing returns but the fourth in a series always manages to be stupifyingly awful. Don’t believe me.? Here is a list of shitty fucking films that just happened to be the fourth film in a franchise.
Batman and Robin. A gay Batman film and that simply will not do.
Alien: Resurrection. Head scratchingly bad. Directed by an art house bell-end.
Lethal Weapon 4. No mullet = Shit Lethal Weapon film.
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Taking the piss now.
Exorcist 4: Both Versions. Who the fuck let Renny Harlin direct an Exorcist film?
Omen IV: The Awakening. Made for TV. Fucking says it all.
Jaws 4: The Revenge. The very notion of a shark out for revenge is retarded. Just don't go in the sea you fucking spanners.
Hellraiser 4: Bloodline. Straight to video. Say no more.
Rocky IV. Stupid U.S. vs Commies bollocks that's quite offensive when you really think about it.
Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home. They travel back in time to pick up a whale. ???????
Superman 4: The Quest for Peace. Nuclear Man. Shit effects. Franchise fucked.
Episode 1 of that Star Wars thingy of which I no longer speak.
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. Fair enough. They all blow.
I could go on but frankly I think I’ve made my point. Not convinced? Well, have you seen the trailer for Die Hard 4.0 or Live Free Or Die Hard if you live over the pond? IT’S FUCKING TERRIBLE. Now, I love the Die Hard films but I just know this is gonna be wank. Two words. Len Wiseman. Yes, the genius auteur who gave us the Underworld films. Which were shit. Really shit. And just because he’s banging Kate Beckinsale does not give him any cool points. It simply means that he’s well endowed. He’s a cunt basically and the trailer confirms that. Take a look if you haven’t seen it. The Kevin Smith cameo is so bad I nearly threw my laptop out the window. Kevin Smith. There’s another sell out nob-cheese that has lost all semblance of credibility. Fat fuck! I can’t wait for Clerks 4.
Shrek 4 has already been greenlit even though the reviews for the incoming Shrek the Third have been terrible. Rush Hour 4 will no doubt infest our cinemas after the third makes a gazillion squid this summer and there is already talk of another bastard Pirates film. There is no God. And fuck knows what Spider-Man 4 will be like. What does scare me though is The Hobbit. I love the ‘Rings’ trilogy and the thought of a prequel gets my dick twanging but then news came that pissed me right off. Peter Jackson will NOT be directing but New Line are in negotiations with.......Sam Raimi. Have they fucking seen Spider-Man 3? Jesus.
So, to round up. Please do not get excited about Indiana Jones And The City Of Gods because it will only end up with you leaving the cinema wanting to go on a killing spree. Harrison Ford is too fucking old, Shia Lebeouf is in it and to be honest I’m getting a little fucked off with buying trilogy boxsets only for the cunts to go and make a fourth thereby fucking up my DVD feng-shui. ARSEHOLES!
Labels: Shit, The Number 4
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