WOMAN-CRUSH: The Women Of Spider-Man
Elizabeth Banks aka Betty Brant
Betty Brant has always been one of the nerd "easter eggs" that Raimi loved to throw in. "Easter eggs" - for those of you thought they were chocolate vomit factories your parents filled you with once a year to shut you up - are, in fact, little nerd shout-outs scattered through a piece of entertainment. Betty Brant is one of those, being a minor Spider-man character who has a weird sex pest stalker relationship with Peter Parker. Well, let me tell you, she could stalk me whenever she wants. I don't know whether it's the basin haircut, the air of a librarian or the fact she can keep the most powerful man in publishing under control... Or whether it's just that she's hotter than me receiving a picture message of your mum doing your sister. Needless to say if I was working at the Daily Bugle, I'd make sure I was at Every Single Office Party and that she had her fair share of the punch. RAPE-CLOAK ENGAGE!
Bryce Dallas Howard aka Gwen Stacy
The irony of having a blonde play a ginger and then having a ginger play a blonde is not lost on me. And despite the fact that I know Bryce is a Natural Born Ginger under that blonde wig, I still get a tent-pole. In fact, she is proof positive of the Inverse Ginger Law. If a woman is ginger and hot, she gets bonus points for still being able to pull off the gingerness and be hot. Hot girls are actually hotter when they're ginger! I'm not even put off by the fact that she's Ron Howard's daughter. That's too cool. If Steven Spielberg had hot daughters, I'd totally bang them just for the kudos. (Who am I kidding, I'd bend over and apply the lube if Steven was interested) And even though she spends the entire third film falling off things or giggling, I still think I love her. If I was a photographer in New York City, I'd totally hire her for every gig and make sure she knew it was all going to be very arty shots but she has to get her muff out. RAPE-CAPE AWAY!
Mageina Tovah aka Ursula
Despite the fact the magnificently named Mageina Tovah has won the Most Pointless Character In Any Film Saga award twice now, I still would. I spent literally months after SPIDER-MAN 2 trying to work out what purpose she served to the script. I mean, you have Pulitzer-prize winning novelists working on this, she MUST have a purpose. Erm, no. She really doesn't. And even more bizarrely, there is more meat on a butcher's pencil than this girl. But I guess it's the fact she's all sweet and innocent and even she looks up to Peter Parker so you KNOW she's desperate for anything. And after you'd made the beast with two backs, she could whip you up some cookies and milk. Also, she's a model in real-life, which is kinda hot. But it's the coyish shy thing combined with the pony-tails and the fact I bet she would fuck you like George Bush fucked The Black People. If I lived in a crummy apartment in New York, I'd be sure to not pay my rent on time so the landlord's daughter would have to come round and I'd be "accidentally" getting changed at the time. SURPRISE SEX SASH ACTIVATE!
Donna Murphy aka Rosalie Octavius
Now, I have to admit that I have a bit of a thing for the older lady. For me, there is nothing more attractive than a MILF. They've seen a few things, are experienced and aren't looking down their noses at you like most younger women. And Donna Murphy is hot in that indefinable MILF way that you just KNOW she's going to bang like a barn door in a tornado. She does get minus points for having been in a *shudder* STAR TREK film (And one of the worst ones too), but that doesn't matter. I'm trying to forget I've even seen any STAR TREK films so you should too. And she was quite hot in that too. Obviously, she's not meant to be a sex symbol in SPIDER-MAN 2, but she sure did for me. I don't mean the bit where she's all ill and dying... I'm not a sick bastard. And she's going out with a fat scientist. If she'd let Octavius put one of his many appendages up her mimsy, I'm sure she'd jump at the chance of Some Guy On The Interweb. I tell you, if I was a student at a New York-based university and got invited round a professor's house for tea and biscuits, I would totally fuck his wife while he was playing with his octopus arms. NON-CONSENSUAL RUMPUS HOODIE GO-GO!
Rosemary Harris aka May Parker
I'm sure she was a proper hottie back in her day. I bet Uncle Ben was a proper pimp daddy back then, the smoooove operator. However, she's not exactly in her prime. And as soon as you asked her whether she minded giving you a blowie, she'd start reciting some platitude about swimming to islands or how it was better in the good old days. "Sorry Aunt May, do you mind if I put it up your gary?" "Well, young man, you must remember that with great power comes great responsibility." "Is that a no, then?" Yeah, maybe it'd be too much like fucking your gran. GILF's a stage too far, no?
Kirsten Dunst aka MaryJane Watson
FUCK OFF, YOU WHEY-FACED HARPY.
Betty Brant has always been one of the nerd "easter eggs" that Raimi loved to throw in. "Easter eggs" - for those of you thought they were chocolate vomit factories your parents filled you with once a year to shut you up - are, in fact, little nerd shout-outs scattered through a piece of entertainment. Betty Brant is one of those, being a minor Spider-man character who has a weird sex pest stalker relationship with Peter Parker. Well, let me tell you, she could stalk me whenever she wants. I don't know whether it's the basin haircut, the air of a librarian or the fact she can keep the most powerful man in publishing under control... Or whether it's just that she's hotter than me receiving a picture message of your mum doing your sister. Needless to say if I was working at the Daily Bugle, I'd make sure I was at Every Single Office Party and that she had her fair share of the punch. RAPE-CLOAK ENGAGE!
Bryce Dallas Howard aka Gwen Stacy
The irony of having a blonde play a ginger and then having a ginger play a blonde is not lost on me. And despite the fact that I know Bryce is a Natural Born Ginger under that blonde wig, I still get a tent-pole. In fact, she is proof positive of the Inverse Ginger Law. If a woman is ginger and hot, she gets bonus points for still being able to pull off the gingerness and be hot. Hot girls are actually hotter when they're ginger! I'm not even put off by the fact that she's Ron Howard's daughter. That's too cool. If Steven Spielberg had hot daughters, I'd totally bang them just for the kudos. (Who am I kidding, I'd bend over and apply the lube if Steven was interested) And even though she spends the entire third film falling off things or giggling, I still think I love her. If I was a photographer in New York City, I'd totally hire her for every gig and make sure she knew it was all going to be very arty shots but she has to get her muff out. RAPE-CAPE AWAY!
Mageina Tovah aka Ursula
Despite the fact the magnificently named Mageina Tovah has won the Most Pointless Character In Any Film Saga award twice now, I still would. I spent literally months after SPIDER-MAN 2 trying to work out what purpose she served to the script. I mean, you have Pulitzer-prize winning novelists working on this, she MUST have a purpose. Erm, no. She really doesn't. And even more bizarrely, there is more meat on a butcher's pencil than this girl. But I guess it's the fact she's all sweet and innocent and even she looks up to Peter Parker so you KNOW she's desperate for anything. And after you'd made the beast with two backs, she could whip you up some cookies and milk. Also, she's a model in real-life, which is kinda hot. But it's the coyish shy thing combined with the pony-tails and the fact I bet she would fuck you like George Bush fucked The Black People. If I lived in a crummy apartment in New York, I'd be sure to not pay my rent on time so the landlord's daughter would have to come round and I'd be "accidentally" getting changed at the time. SURPRISE SEX SASH ACTIVATE!
Donna Murphy aka Rosalie Octavius
Now, I have to admit that I have a bit of a thing for the older lady. For me, there is nothing more attractive than a MILF. They've seen a few things, are experienced and aren't looking down their noses at you like most younger women. And Donna Murphy is hot in that indefinable MILF way that you just KNOW she's going to bang like a barn door in a tornado. She does get minus points for having been in a *shudder* STAR TREK film (And one of the worst ones too), but that doesn't matter. I'm trying to forget I've even seen any STAR TREK films so you should too. And she was quite hot in that too. Obviously, she's not meant to be a sex symbol in SPIDER-MAN 2, but she sure did for me. I don't mean the bit where she's all ill and dying... I'm not a sick bastard. And she's going out with a fat scientist. If she'd let Octavius put one of his many appendages up her mimsy, I'm sure she'd jump at the chance of Some Guy On The Interweb. I tell you, if I was a student at a New York-based university and got invited round a professor's house for tea and biscuits, I would totally fuck his wife while he was playing with his octopus arms. NON-CONSENSUAL RUMPUS HOODIE GO-GO!
Rosemary Harris aka May Parker
I'm sure she was a proper hottie back in her day. I bet Uncle Ben was a proper pimp daddy back then, the smoooove operator. However, she's not exactly in her prime. And as soon as you asked her whether she minded giving you a blowie, she'd start reciting some platitude about swimming to islands or how it was better in the good old days. "Sorry Aunt May, do you mind if I put it up your gary?" "Well, young man, you must remember that with great power comes great responsibility." "Is that a no, then?" Yeah, maybe it'd be too much like fucking your gran. GILF's a stage too far, no?
Kirsten Dunst aka MaryJane Watson
FUCK OFF, YOU WHEY-FACED HARPY.
Labels: kirsten dunst, sex pest, spider-man, woman crush
|
<< Home