Happy Birthday Tobey Maguire!

Many happy returns Tobey. Now, I know that you have a wife and you both recently brought a child into this world but Spider-Man 3 was soooooooo unspeakably bad that I have decided to out you as a massive queer.

SPIDER-MAN 3 wasn't very good

So Crabman and I booked our tickets (Middle-middle, naturally), took the day off work and were completely jazzed about the release of SPIDER-MAN 3. I personally believe SPIDER-MAN 2 to be in the top five sequels ever made and the greatest superhero film ever made. Crabman will cringe at this because he's a crusty old fart who likes those shitty dull SUPERMAN films with Christopher Reeve or that BATMAN EXPLAINS bollocks with Katie "Fuck me, I'm awful" Holmes. No, SPIDER-MAN 2 is perfect in every way. So to say I was anticipating SPIDER-MAN 3 a little would be like saying that Terry Waites was "a little anxious" about being unchained from that radiator.

And the reason it has taken me a week to post a review is because I was so INSANELY ANGRY at the fact they'd fucked it up that, well, my first review was just the word "FRERGKKKGkirstendunstSDJHDGJDFD!!!!!!Eleventy-one!" written in size 100 font. Here are, in the Two Angry Men tradition, ten reasons why I hated this film more than Tom Cruise hates women's vaginas.

1. It's shot by an epileptic - I've never liked the CG Spidey or all that virtual New York bollocks because it removes the natural constraints that physical filming imposes. When allowed to roam free, there's nothing to stop some fucktard special effects virgin spinning the camera round the flailing Stretch Armstrong-in-a-costume that we see so often in lesser films. This film just went ape-shit doolally with them, to the point where I was getting whiplash just following it. In the words of Jeff Goldblum off of JURASSIC PARK, "Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should."
   
   
2. MaryJane Watson is the worst girlfriend ever - She really, really is. And I know Parker's lucky to have a girl who isn't a cross between Jade Goody and ET, but even he can do better than this shrill, gap-toothed, uncaring witch. You're an awful singer, pet, accept it. Whining like a prima donna will not help. Also, when you tell Peter that it's not always about him, you have your own problems, try and remember that your problems amount to not being asked back to sing at a shitty play... Peter's involve ABOUT FOURTEEN SUPERVILLAINS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO KILL HIM AND HIS BODY BEING TAKEN OVER BY AN ALIEN SYMBIOTE. Maybe it should be all about Peter, you selfish bitch. Also, along with the not singing thing, you should also do the not dancing thing ever. The only Twist I want to see you involved in is your fucking neck as Sandman, Green Goblin and Venom take turns making origami Watsons.
   
   
   
   
3. Why is Sandman even in this film - I know the film was originally intended to be All Sandman, All The Time, but this is one of those rare times when producer, Avi Arad, was right. Sandman is monkey-cocks. He's worse than that, he's shit-spanners. He's a man... who can turn into sand. The one scene of the film that perfectly evokes how shit he is is when Parker empties his boots of sand with an irritated look. Yes, Sandman has the power to ruin any family beach trip. It hardly compares with having four mechanical arms that can rip people apart, does it? Also, his origin is turbo-shandy shit. He "accidentally" stumbles into a particle testing site? What, no security? And what exactly was the point of this site? It successfully turned sand into... sand. GO, SCIENCE! In the source material, Sandman is just a mook, a dumb thug who got lucky unlucky enough to be turned to sand. Do we need some weak-ass, "Boo-hoo, my daughter is dying" reasoning? NO! The only reason Sandman even stayed in is because Raimi is an old-school nerd and the CG men had some reeeeally cool special effects. I fucking hate CG men.
   
   
4. Harry Osborne's character arc makes no sense - A butler comes forward with some PRETTY FUCKING IMPORTANT information three films after it was useful? A butler who's had barely three lines in all three films. Harry has the WORST kind of selective memory loss I've ever seen. He only forgets all the bits relevant to Peter and his dad? HMMM! That gets a six out of ten on the Chinny Reckon scale. And he mysteriously regains his memory after snogging MaryJane... Ah-hah! It becomes clear, she's fucking Patient Zero of fucking people over. Wherever she goes, people get ass-raped, brain-fucked and emotionally destroyed. If only Peter had known, he would have let Green Goblin throw her off that fucking bridge in the first film. And the final insult to Harry Osborne as a character - he gets half his face blown off by his best mate who "was having a bad day" and decides to help him anyway, thereby signing his death warrant. UH-HUH. That's almost Akiva Goldsman level bad. And if you don't know how bad "the Academy Award-winning" Akiva Goldsman is, look up some of his greatest works on IMDB. His work is as painful as discovering you've got AIDS and then being run over by a bus on the way back from the doctors.
   
   
5. We get, like, five seconds of Venom - Venom is a fan favourite not only because he's pretty fucking cool, but because he's a great idea for a character. He is the anti-Spider-man. He has ultimate power and no responsibility. Even his origin is rubbish - Parker loses a loved one, Brock merely loses his job. He's a petty, spiteful little cunt who is perfect for the evil symbiote. And we get barely half a dozen shots of him in the final battle. There are more shots of Aunt Shitting May than Venom. I mean, to be fair, I would have really only been satisfied if this film started with Venom skull-fucking MaryJane to death before embarking on a two hour romp of destruction. In fact, I have a 120 page screenplay I've knocked up in the last few days entitled THE REAL SPIDER-MAN 3: VENOM FUCKS SHIT UP on my hard-drive if anybody's interested. The scene where Venom makes a guy shit out his colon is Box Office gold.
   
   
6. Aunt May - Just fucking die already.
   
   
7. The criminal under-usage of the Daily Bugle office - Every single time the film cuts to J Jonah Jameson and the staff of the Daily Bugle, you breathe a sigh of relief that something ACTIVELY FUN will happen. Not only is JK Simmons a great comedy performer, even Ted Raimi isn't that insufferable and we have sex-pot on legs, Elizabeth Banks to wank over watch too. In fact, the scenes with Parker and Brock fighting over the job with Jameson in the middle were great. If there'd been more, I'd alllllmooooost believe in Venom. There is not a hope in hell they'd make a Bugle film, but I know I'd fucking watch it. In fact, I have a 240 page screenplay called SPIDER-MAN 4: WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT SPIDER-MAN, HERE'S THE FUNNY MEN in a drawer somewhere.
   
   
8. That English reporter in the final battle - Seriously, dudes, what the fuck? As if it's not hard enough for me to be an Englishman who talks like Hugh Grant, I gotta have shit like that to remind the rest of the world we all talk like the Queen. I would love to have a scouse reporter or a brummie reporter. "By eckee thump, folks, it looks like that thar Spider-maaaan is right up shit-creek, laaaa". Also, she was a terrible actress. And it turns out she's called Lucy Gordon, looks like she's a model (Like the far less terrible Mageina Tovah aka Ursula) and there are absolutely NO muff shots on Google Images. Not even a bit of areola. Even with the Safe Search option set to "I anxiously await an FBI raid".
   
   
9. Raimi has now shot his load on the good villains - Have you seen the lick of the rest of Spider-man's villains? The Lizard is the obvious choice seeing as Peter's helpful college professor, Curt Connors, has been in the last two films and is bereft of arm (In the source material, he tries using genetic technology to grow himself a new arm and ends up turning himself into a giant lizard... Don't ask). He is RUBBISH! Especially with THE INCREDIBLE HULK film featuring The Abomination as a bad guy - who is a bit too similar. Next is Mysterio. He is a man with no powers who wears a goldfish bowl on his head, does magic tricks, is a rubbish version of The Riddler and probably likes to fuck kids. Then there's The Rhino, who is a rubbish version of the Lizard. His one super-power aside from an indestructible rhino suit is that he is retarded. Imagine Joey Deacon with super-powers. TERRIFYING! But not kid friendly... After that, you get to really wank villains like Kraven The Hunter (Like Steve Irwin - and just as dead), Carnage (A crappy x-treme version of Venom), The Vulture (He has the powers of a vulture) and Cunty McFucksYouUp (OK, I made that last one up). Where do you go now, Sony Capitalist Picture Childhood-raping Corporation? EH? EH?
   
   
   
   
10. It filled me with impotent nerd rage I swore I would never suffer from again - I can only take the piss out of Crabman so far for his Star Wars problems when I get this angry about A Fucking Spider-Man Film. When the people at the Film Nerd Burn-out Ward said it would be healthy for me to have a hobby, I don't think this is what they meant.

Basically, take your kids to see this film if they want. Anybody else should just go and see 28 WEEKS LATER or THIS IS ENGLAND or fucking WILD HOGS, for that matter.

Well, maybe not WILD HOGS...

"I'm A Hypocritical Cunt!" Admits Lucas

Now, having seen Spider-Man 3 on opening day, I have to say that I was extremely disappointed by it. Its a mess. Too much going on. DasGeordie will be reviewing it very soon I believe. However, even though I didn’t like it very much, I am still left completely dumbfounded by some comments made by a certain George Lucas in an interview with Fox News a couple of days ago. Apparently, after jabbering on about Indiana Jones 4 (Its going to be shit by the way. Trust me) and stating that he will be making MORE fucking Star Wars films for TV he had a little something to say about your friendly neighbourhood arachnid.

"It's silly. It's a silly movie," he said. "There just isn't much there. Once you take it all apart, there's not much story, is there?"

DEEP. FUCKING. BREATH.

Er, excuse me George but are you having a laugh?. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! Yes, Spider-Man 3 is heavily flawed and a complete mess but if there is one person on this planet that doesn't have the right to say anything bad about it it’s you you deluded, mega-necked, self-righteous prick. Silly? SILLY? Its no more silly than your stupid fucking 50’s throwback quiffy bouffant hairstyle. Or the fact that you only wear plaid shirts and jeans because secretly you probably compare yourself to Einstein or some shit. Tell you what mate, how about we recap on some ‘silly’ things that you’ve done in the past shall we just to get some perspective.

1. The Star Wars prequels
2. Not letting Spielberg direct Revenge of the Sith
3. Letting yourself direct anything
4. Letting yourself write scripts
5. Howard The Duck
6. Storing nuts in your throat for the Winter
7. Making More American Graffiti
8. The Star Wars Holiday Special

Silly enough for ya?

Any regular readers will know of my dislike for Lucas and I’m sorry to keep banging on about how shit he is but I am literally shaking with rage after reading that outrageously hypocritical statement. If I was Sam Raimi I would get my arse up to Skywalker Ranch, kick his office door in, grab that wookiee cookie jar that he keeps on his desk and ram it STRAIGHT UP HIS FAT FUCKING JACKSY!

Please, George. SHUT THE FUCK UP. FOREVER!

Woo-sah. Woo-sah.

WOMAN-CRUSH: The Women Of Spider-Man

Elizabeth Banks aka Betty Brant



Betty Brant has always been one of the nerd "easter eggs" that Raimi loved to throw in. "Easter eggs" - for those of you thought they were chocolate vomit factories your parents filled you with once a year to shut you up - are, in fact, little nerd shout-outs scattered through a piece of entertainment. Betty Brant is one of those, being a minor Spider-man character who has a weird sex pest stalker relationship with Peter Parker. Well, let me tell you, she could stalk me whenever she wants. I don't know whether it's the basin haircut, the air of a librarian or the fact she can keep the most powerful man in publishing under control... Or whether it's just that she's hotter than me receiving a picture message of your mum doing your sister. Needless to say if I was working at the Daily Bugle, I'd make sure I was at Every Single Office Party and that she had her fair share of the punch. RAPE-CLOAK ENGAGE!

Bryce Dallas Howard aka Gwen Stacy


The irony of having a blonde play a ginger and then having a ginger play a blonde is not lost on me. And despite the fact that I know Bryce is a Natural Born Ginger under that blonde wig, I still get a tent-pole. In fact, she is proof positive of the Inverse Ginger Law. If a woman is ginger and hot, she gets bonus points for still being able to pull off the gingerness and be hot. Hot girls are actually hotter when they're ginger! I'm not even put off by the fact that she's Ron Howard's daughter. That's too cool. If Steven Spielberg had hot daughters, I'd totally bang them just for the kudos. (Who am I kidding, I'd bend over and apply the lube if Steven was interested) And even though she spends the entire third film falling off things or giggling, I still think I love her. If I was a photographer in New York City, I'd totally hire her for every gig and make sure she knew it was all going to be very arty shots but she has to get her muff out. RAPE-CAPE AWAY!

Mageina Tovah aka Ursula


Despite the fact the magnificently named Mageina Tovah has won the Most Pointless Character In Any Film Saga award twice now, I still would. I spent literally months after SPIDER-MAN 2 trying to work out what purpose she served to the script. I mean, you have Pulitzer-prize winning novelists working on this, she MUST have a purpose. Erm, no. She really doesn't. And even more bizarrely, there is more meat on a butcher's pencil than this girl. But I guess it's the fact she's all sweet and innocent and even she looks up to Peter Parker so you KNOW she's desperate for anything. And after you'd made the beast with two backs, she could whip you up some cookies and milk. Also, she's a model in real-life, which is kinda hot. But it's the coyish shy thing combined with the pony-tails and the fact I bet she would fuck you like George Bush fucked The Black People. If I lived in a crummy apartment in New York, I'd be sure to not pay my rent on time so the landlord's daughter would have to come round and I'd be "accidentally" getting changed at the time. SURPRISE SEX SASH ACTIVATE!

Donna Murphy aka Rosalie Octavius


Now, I have to admit that I have a bit of a thing for the older lady. For me, there is nothing more attractive than a MILF. They've seen a few things, are experienced and aren't looking down their noses at you like most younger women. And Donna Murphy is hot in that indefinable MILF way that you just KNOW she's going to bang like a barn door in a tornado. She does get minus points for having been in a *shudder* STAR TREK film (And one of the worst ones too), but that doesn't matter. I'm trying to forget I've even seen any STAR TREK films so you should too. And she was quite hot in that too. Obviously, she's not meant to be a sex symbol in SPIDER-MAN 2, but she sure did for me. I don't mean the bit where she's all ill and dying... I'm not a sick bastard. And she's going out with a fat scientist. If she'd let Octavius put one of his many appendages up her mimsy, I'm sure she'd jump at the chance of Some Guy On The Interweb. I tell you, if I was a student at a New York-based university and got invited round a professor's house for tea and biscuits, I would totally fuck his wife while he was playing with his octopus arms. NON-CONSENSUAL RUMPUS HOODIE GO-GO!

Rosemary Harris aka May Parker


I'm sure she was a proper hottie back in her day. I bet Uncle Ben was a proper pimp daddy back then, the smoooove operator. However, she's not exactly in her prime. And as soon as you asked her whether she minded giving you a blowie, she'd start reciting some platitude about swimming to islands or how it was better in the good old days. "Sorry Aunt May, do you mind if I put it up your gary?" "Well, young man, you must remember that with great power comes great responsibility." "Is that a no, then?" Yeah, maybe it'd be too much like fucking your gran. GILF's a stage too far, no?

Kirsten Dunst aka MaryJane Watson


FUCK OFF, YOU WHEY-FACED HARPY.