DIE HARD: Why Fat Al Loves Big John

Yes, I know I haven't posted anything in a literal YEAR. Yes, I know Crabman claimed I spent the entire time choking down my own man-meat and was having ribs removed. He is WRONG. I can reach it perfectly well without a rib missing and in fact, almost poked my hindbrain out just last night, deep-throating my skin sausage.

However, on to more pertinent matters. Having re-watched the classic DIE HARD, I was struck by something I'd never considered before. No, not that Holly Genaro has some pretty good tits (Not that I'm interested) and yet has the Worst Hair Ever. No, I was struck by how obvious it is that the true love story in DIE HARD is between our chunky, be-quiffed John McClane and rolly-polly twinkie-eating Al Powell. Some have tried to claim that Sergeant Powell is a magic negro - a black character only included in the story to teach the white hero some valuable life lessons - but they are wrong. Fat Al is there because the only advice he wants to give Big John is the best way to rim him. Here is the evidence.

• In his first scene, Fat Al is seen buying lots and lots of twinkies by the moustachioed convenience store clerk. This clerk proceeds to mock Fat Al's claims they're for his pregnant wife. Some might suggest the clerk thinks the wholesome sugary items are in fact all for Fat Al... They'd be wrong. That clerk has blatantly had his gaydar buzzed by a homosexual so in the closet, he's found Narnia.
  
  "Eeh, I love twinkies, me! Sorry, did I say 'twinkies'? I mean to say veiny cocks!"
  
• John McClane has taken a whole six months to come out (Ooh-er) to Los Angeles to see his wife. Why? Because he was too busy dealing with a back-log of scumbags in New York. So Big John would rather spend his time around burly rough men than his nice-tits-bad-hair wife? Soooo not gay.
  
• John's first actions upon seeing Fat Al walking away from the Nakatomi building is to throw a man at him (Not gay, obviously) and then shoot his load all over the place (Not gay either).
  
• John's first words to Fat Al are "Welcome to the party, pal." If a man said this to me when I was at a party, we both know it really means, "I'll be in the toilets in five minutes lubing myself up, try and at least get a semi." Also, look at another famous party which got a lot of media attention and somebody died...
  
  
  
• Rather than try and contact his wife or speak to any more important members of the authority, Big John would rather spend his time talking to a fat, desk jockey Sergeant. The scenes of longing and will-they-won't-they conversations as they talk over the handsets are so beautiful... They can talk directly to each other, but never look in the other's eyes. So heartwarming.
  
• John McClane wears a tight vest all the way through the film. Gay.
  
  
  "Check out my totally hot cardigan - This won't be fashionable again until 2005, but I WORK IT, BABY!"
  
• Fat Al carries handcuffs round with him to chain up other men. Gay.
  
• During the tense final meeting between the two men, John is seen to be draped over a woman he's barely talked to the entire film and looks totally un-at ease with her... Just like Tom Cruise and Every Woman Ever. Fat Al's wife doesn't even get a look-in. Obviously made-up.
  
• During the climactic and nonsensical final ending where crazy should-be-dead teutonic terrorist, Gruber Von HansenGruber tries to kill Big John, Fat Al saves the day by gunning him down. John has taught Al how to shoot his load over another man and that it's all right. For too long, Al has hidden in his office (Closet) afraid to go out into the street and get some action after accidentally shooting his load over a minor. Now, he knows it's OK once more to fire his hot load over another man. Even to do it in public. Truly, a wonderful message for us all.

So there we go. DIE HARD is actually the basis for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. If you imagine that sheep are terrorists, the mountain is actually a large office block and you don't get to see Anne Hathaway's tits (Not that I'm bothered, obviously).