The In-The-Closet-Hobbits: Chapter Two. From Mordor To Sydney

DIE HARD: Why Fat Al Loves Big John

Yes, I know I haven't posted anything in a literal YEAR. Yes, I know Crabman claimed I spent the entire time choking down my own man-meat and was having ribs removed. He is WRONG. I can reach it perfectly well without a rib missing and in fact, almost poked my hindbrain out just last night, deep-throating my skin sausage.

However, on to more pertinent matters. Having re-watched the classic DIE HARD, I was struck by something I'd never considered before. No, not that Holly Genaro has some pretty good tits (Not that I'm interested) and yet has the Worst Hair Ever. No, I was struck by how obvious it is that the true love story in DIE HARD is between our chunky, be-quiffed John McClane and rolly-polly twinkie-eating Al Powell. Some have tried to claim that Sergeant Powell is a magic negro - a black character only included in the story to teach the white hero some valuable life lessons - but they are wrong. Fat Al is there because the only advice he wants to give Big John is the best way to rim him. Here is the evidence.

• In his first scene, Fat Al is seen buying lots and lots of twinkies by the moustachioed convenience store clerk. This clerk proceeds to mock Fat Al's claims they're for his pregnant wife. Some might suggest the clerk thinks the wholesome sugary items are in fact all for Fat Al... They'd be wrong. That clerk has blatantly had his gaydar buzzed by a homosexual so in the closet, he's found Narnia.
  
  "Eeh, I love twinkies, me! Sorry, did I say 'twinkies'? I mean to say veiny cocks!"
  
• John McClane has taken a whole six months to come out (Ooh-er) to Los Angeles to see his wife. Why? Because he was too busy dealing with a back-log of scumbags in New York. So Big John would rather spend his time around burly rough men than his nice-tits-bad-hair wife? Soooo not gay.
  
• John's first actions upon seeing Fat Al walking away from the Nakatomi building is to throw a man at him (Not gay, obviously) and then shoot his load all over the place (Not gay either).
  
• John's first words to Fat Al are "Welcome to the party, pal." If a man said this to me when I was at a party, we both know it really means, "I'll be in the toilets in five minutes lubing myself up, try and at least get a semi." Also, look at another famous party which got a lot of media attention and somebody died...
  
  
  
• Rather than try and contact his wife or speak to any more important members of the authority, Big John would rather spend his time talking to a fat, desk jockey Sergeant. The scenes of longing and will-they-won't-they conversations as they talk over the handsets are so beautiful... They can talk directly to each other, but never look in the other's eyes. So heartwarming.
  
• John McClane wears a tight vest all the way through the film. Gay.
  
  
  "Check out my totally hot cardigan - This won't be fashionable again until 2005, but I WORK IT, BABY!"
  
• Fat Al carries handcuffs round with him to chain up other men. Gay.
  
• During the tense final meeting between the two men, John is seen to be draped over a woman he's barely talked to the entire film and looks totally un-at ease with her... Just like Tom Cruise and Every Woman Ever. Fat Al's wife doesn't even get a look-in. Obviously made-up.
  
• During the climactic and nonsensical final ending where crazy should-be-dead teutonic terrorist, Gruber Von HansenGruber tries to kill Big John, Fat Al saves the day by gunning him down. John has taught Al how to shoot his load over another man and that it's all right. For too long, Al has hidden in his office (Closet) afraid to go out into the street and get some action after accidentally shooting his load over a minor. Now, he knows it's OK once more to fire his hot load over another man. Even to do it in public. Truly, a wonderful message for us all.

So there we go. DIE HARD is actually the basis for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. If you imagine that sheep are terrorists, the mountain is actually a large office block and you don't get to see Anne Hathaway's tits (Not that I'm bothered, obviously).

Another Gay, Possibly Offensive Movie Poster.

Now this would have been a fabulous film had Scorcese managed to get this cast together. And before I get any nasty emails due to the word "faggot" being used in the poster, please may I remind you that I am galactically gay myself. It's a bit like Sascha Baron Cohen having a pop at the Jews. Totally legit baby!

Orgasmic Four Was Really Gay. Sweet!

Hello you cheeky campers! As you might have noticed we’ve gone all gay and that. Geordie boy and myself like a bit of the brown now. We literally don’t have sexual feelings toward ladies at all. Why? We’re not sure to be honest but we spent a gooood night together finding out. Ooh, sphincter love is lush like. We can’t keep our filthy homo hands off each other. With this in mind we are not at all angry about much except the cost of moisturiser and arse lubricant.

Please, any loyal readers, stay with us as we will still try really, really, really hard to keep you entertained with our movie blogs. The only thing we will warn you about is our sudden change in movie tastes. We used to like manly films with horrid killings and shots of women's bits. Ewwww! Not anymore. We stick our dicks where shit lives. In fact, I have a vibrating egg stuck up my arse as I type this. Feels lush I tell ya. Who needs women eh?

I went to this mint gay pride festival in Berlin and got beaten up by some reet nasty skinheads but I did manage to have a chat and a quick suck-off with that bald bender from Reet Said Fred and he said that being gay is awesome and I agree. He maybe past his prime but he can pump my cheeks any day. Hey, if you're reading Fred....I did swallow.

Anyhoo, I felt like giving a quick review of a lovely film I saw just today. It was called ‘Orgasmic Four: Rise of the Silver Dildo’. I lurrrrved it. Really sweet and enjoyable for men like ourselves, you know, the ones who like to bash Bourneville. Very colourful with lots of shots of men's bums and lunch boxes. I had to leave the cinema twice just to wank myself off while shoving a half eaten hot-dog right oop my jinxy.

I’m going off on a proper tangent here luvvies. Apparently, the Orgasmic four are having a reet laff being sexy and that in their skin....tight.....ooh....uniforms when this pesky silver dildo starts giving them grief and that. He swoops down thinking he’s Jenny from the block and starts being reeeeallly nasty to the world and that. There’s a fit bloke called Mr Fantastic who has a massive cock and can make it as big as he likes (jammy bastard) and there’s also a really fit bloke who can go on fire and stuff. I didn’t really like it when he did that. Silly. I preferred it when he had his top off. Made my cock twitch.

For some reason there was a big orange monster that looked really shit but I still managed to find something sexual about him, being a man that craves spunk. I bet his cock is ROCK HARD. Hehehe! Lurves the cock I do.

Oh, and there was this minging woman in it who could go invisible and that. Silly. I bet her fanny smells of fish. I prefer the old meat and two veg now.

In between all the fit men with bulging cocks there was some silly plot about a cloud eating the world but I was too busy paying attention to flame mans bollocks to notice.

All in all I would give this a gay rating of 9/10. Plenty of wank-bank material for men like us who enjoy biting pillows and nudging fudge.

Go superheroes!