Is Tom Cruise Bent? The Trial.
Hmm. The eternal question isn’t it? I’ve always liked Tom Cruise even before I went all gay and that but I have never been sure that he was a closet turd-burglar. A lot of people seem to think he is but I wanted to know for sure. With this in mind I decided to do some research and look back on some of his films and rate them by how gay he looks in them. Yep, it’s all very scientific but someone has to do it. So, sit back, relax and let us all get to the bottom of Tom’s bottom.
Exhibit A: The Outsiders (1983)
Not off to good start here Tommy lad if you are trying convince people you like fannies. I mean, really Tom, you look fabulously gay in this film. I’m guessing the director was intending to make you look manly and tough but I’m afraid you look like a reet homo. The jacket, the hair. All gay. Better luck with the next one love.
Gaydar Rating 8/10
Exhibit B: Legend (1985)
Oops. Another major blow for the Cruiser. Sorry pet but you look a reet nancy boy in that film. Look at the picture. The lady is clearly terrified all the while you can just tell that he’s thinking about potting the brown with another chap. Very unconvincing. Camp as fookin Christmas.
Gaydar Rating 7/10
Exhibit C: Top Gun (1986)
Big. Butch. Brown loving. Bender.
Gaydar Rating 10/10
Exhibit D: Cocktail (1988)
Umm. Where to start? I’m sorry Tom but you fooked reet oop her like. I know that you’re character is supposed to be a ladies man but to be brutally honest love, dressed like that, you wouldn’t get a sniff of minge in the real world. Women would just give you the number of one of their faggy friends and ask you what moisturiser you use. Not looking good at the moment sweetheart.
Gaydar Rating 9/10
Exhibit E: Born On The Fourth Of July (1989)
Yay! The Cruiser pulls one back with this film. Not remotely gay. I mean, I was going to give him two gay points just for the moustache but I thought that would be a bit unfair. He looks filthy and smelly whereas us gayers like to keep nice and clean and well groomed. I shower three times a day me. Although to be fair it is just to get the sweetcorn out of my pubes. Go Tom!
Gaydar Rating 0/10
Exhibit F: Interview With The Vampire (1994)
Oh dear, oh dear. Fookin hell Tom I thought you were trying to convince everybody that you like the furry cup. What in God’s name possessed you to star in a film that clearly makes you out to be a total Marmite-Highywayman. To be fair though I’d give him a reet going over in that outfit. Dirty queen. All vampires are gay. Fact. Even Blade.
Gaydar Rating 10/10
Exhibit G: Magnolia (1999)
Ahem. Sorry but I found these picture from the film and I had to instantly twang my tuna. You're maybe thinking it's a bit unfair to use a picture where he looks like a proper rim-rammer but in fact he’s gay throughout the entire film. Ok, he maybe trying really hard to hide the fact by giving seminars on how to get pussy but it really is a poor effort in the closet stakes.
“Respect the cock.......and suck the cock” would have been a far more believable mantra. Tom is crashing and burning baby. Crashing and burning. Lets just hope he can get some man points on the next one.
Gaydar Rating 8/10
Exhibit H: Mission Impossible 2 (2000)
Nope. Gay I’m afraid. The whole film is like one long shampoo commercial and Tom is just loving those slo-mo shots of his hair in the wind. Before I was gay I thought the film was shit but now I have come screaming out of my closet I fookin luuurrve this film. What does that say? Also, look at the poster. It’s got fookin doves in the background. Gay. Gay. Gay.
Gaydar Rating 7/10
Exhibit I: Collateral (2004)
The jury is out on this one. He’s a hitman in this film so that is quite macho I suppose but on the other hand he still manages to look like he’s hiding something. You know what I mean? The grey hair makes him look like a seasoned arse-bandit which is nice. You decide on this one luvvies.
Gaydar Rating N/A
Well, there you have it. It doesn’t take a fookin genius to realise that the Cruiser is now officially a member of the gay community. We welcome you with open arms Tom. And open zips. And with stonking great stiffies. We love you Tom!
And just to make sure that this is now set in stone, his full name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. How fookin gay is that? It was in front of us all the time but it took a real carpet-muncher like myself to uncover the truth. Maybe you can’t handle the truth.
Exhibit A: The Outsiders (1983)
Not off to good start here Tommy lad if you are trying convince people you like fannies. I mean, really Tom, you look fabulously gay in this film. I’m guessing the director was intending to make you look manly and tough but I’m afraid you look like a reet homo. The jacket, the hair. All gay. Better luck with the next one love.
Gaydar Rating 8/10
Exhibit B: Legend (1985)
Oops. Another major blow for the Cruiser. Sorry pet but you look a reet nancy boy in that film. Look at the picture. The lady is clearly terrified all the while you can just tell that he’s thinking about potting the brown with another chap. Very unconvincing. Camp as fookin Christmas.
Gaydar Rating 7/10
Exhibit C: Top Gun (1986)
Big. Butch. Brown loving. Bender.
Gaydar Rating 10/10
Exhibit D: Cocktail (1988)
Umm. Where to start? I’m sorry Tom but you fooked reet oop her like. I know that you’re character is supposed to be a ladies man but to be brutally honest love, dressed like that, you wouldn’t get a sniff of minge in the real world. Women would just give you the number of one of their faggy friends and ask you what moisturiser you use. Not looking good at the moment sweetheart.
Gaydar Rating 9/10
Exhibit E: Born On The Fourth Of July (1989)
Yay! The Cruiser pulls one back with this film. Not remotely gay. I mean, I was going to give him two gay points just for the moustache but I thought that would be a bit unfair. He looks filthy and smelly whereas us gayers like to keep nice and clean and well groomed. I shower three times a day me. Although to be fair it is just to get the sweetcorn out of my pubes. Go Tom!
Gaydar Rating 0/10
Exhibit F: Interview With The Vampire (1994)
Oh dear, oh dear. Fookin hell Tom I thought you were trying to convince everybody that you like the furry cup. What in God’s name possessed you to star in a film that clearly makes you out to be a total Marmite-Highywayman. To be fair though I’d give him a reet going over in that outfit. Dirty queen. All vampires are gay. Fact. Even Blade.
Gaydar Rating 10/10
Exhibit G: Magnolia (1999)
Ahem. Sorry but I found these picture from the film and I had to instantly twang my tuna. You're maybe thinking it's a bit unfair to use a picture where he looks like a proper rim-rammer but in fact he’s gay throughout the entire film. Ok, he maybe trying really hard to hide the fact by giving seminars on how to get pussy but it really is a poor effort in the closet stakes.
“Respect the cock.......and suck the cock” would have been a far more believable mantra. Tom is crashing and burning baby. Crashing and burning. Lets just hope he can get some man points on the next one.
Gaydar Rating 8/10
Exhibit H: Mission Impossible 2 (2000)
Nope. Gay I’m afraid. The whole film is like one long shampoo commercial and Tom is just loving those slo-mo shots of his hair in the wind. Before I was gay I thought the film was shit but now I have come screaming out of my closet I fookin luuurrve this film. What does that say? Also, look at the poster. It’s got fookin doves in the background. Gay. Gay. Gay.
Gaydar Rating 7/10
Exhibit I: Collateral (2004)
The jury is out on this one. He’s a hitman in this film so that is quite macho I suppose but on the other hand he still manages to look like he’s hiding something. You know what I mean? The grey hair makes him look like a seasoned arse-bandit which is nice. You decide on this one luvvies.
Gaydar Rating N/A
Well, there you have it. It doesn’t take a fookin genius to realise that the Cruiser is now officially a member of the gay community. We welcome you with open arms Tom. And open zips. And with stonking great stiffies. We love you Tom!
And just to make sure that this is now set in stone, his full name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. How fookin gay is that? It was in front of us all the time but it took a real carpet-muncher like myself to uncover the truth. Maybe you can’t handle the truth.
Labels: Legal Action, Shit stabbing, Tom Cruise, Well gay
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