The In-The-Closet-Hobbits: Chapter Two. From Mordor To Sydney

Is Tom Cruise Bent? The Trial.

Hmm. The eternal question isn’t it? I’ve always liked Tom Cruise even before I went all gay and that but I have never been sure that he was a closet turd-burglar. A lot of people seem to think he is but I wanted to know for sure. With this in mind I decided to do some research and look back on some of his films and rate them by how gay he looks in them. Yep, it’s all very scientific but someone has to do it. So, sit back, relax and let us all get to the bottom of Tom’s bottom.

Exhibit A: The Outsiders (1983)



Not off to good start here Tommy lad if you are trying convince people you like fannies. I mean, really Tom, you look fabulously gay in this film. I’m guessing the director was intending to make you look manly and tough but I’m afraid you look like a reet homo. The jacket, the hair. All gay. Better luck with the next one love.

Gaydar Rating 8/10

Exhibit B: Legend (1985)



Oops. Another major blow for the Cruiser. Sorry pet but you look a reet nancy boy in that film. Look at the picture. The lady is clearly terrified all the while you can just tell that he’s thinking about potting the brown with another chap. Very unconvincing. Camp as fookin Christmas.

Gaydar Rating 7/10

Exhibit C: Top Gun (1986)



Big. Butch. Brown loving. Bender.

Gaydar Rating 10/10

Exhibit D: Cocktail (1988)



Umm. Where to start? I’m sorry Tom but you fooked reet oop her like. I know that you’re character is supposed to be a ladies man but to be brutally honest love, dressed like that, you wouldn’t get a sniff of minge in the real world. Women would just give you the number of one of their faggy friends and ask you what moisturiser you use. Not looking good at the moment sweetheart.

Gaydar Rating 9/10

Exhibit E: Born On The Fourth Of July (1989)



Yay! The Cruiser pulls one back with this film. Not remotely gay. I mean, I was going to give him two gay points just for the moustache but I thought that would be a bit unfair. He looks filthy and smelly whereas us gayers like to keep nice and clean and well groomed. I shower three times a day me. Although to be fair it is just to get the sweetcorn out of my pubes. Go Tom!

Gaydar Rating 0/10

Exhibit F: Interview With The Vampire (1994)



Oh dear, oh dear. Fookin hell Tom I thought you were trying to convince everybody that you like the furry cup. What in God’s name possessed you to star in a film that clearly makes you out to be a total Marmite-Highywayman. To be fair though I’d give him a reet going over in that outfit. Dirty queen. All vampires are gay. Fact. Even Blade.

Gaydar Rating 10/10

Exhibit G: Magnolia (1999)



Ahem. Sorry but I found these picture from the film and I had to instantly twang my tuna. You're maybe thinking it's a bit unfair to use a picture where he looks like a proper rim-rammer but in fact he’s gay throughout the entire film. Ok, he maybe trying really hard to hide the fact by giving seminars on how to get pussy but it really is a poor effort in the closet stakes.

“Respect the cock.......and suck the cock” would have been a far more believable mantra. Tom is crashing and burning baby. Crashing and burning. Lets just hope he can get some man points on the next one.

Gaydar Rating 8/10

Exhibit H: Mission Impossible 2 (2000)



Nope. Gay I’m afraid. The whole film is like one long shampoo commercial and Tom is just loving those slo-mo shots of his hair in the wind. Before I was gay I thought the film was shit but now I have come screaming out of my closet I fookin luuurrve this film. What does that say? Also, look at the poster. It’s got fookin doves in the background. Gay. Gay. Gay.

Gaydar Rating 7/10

Exhibit I: Collateral (2004)



The jury is out on this one. He’s a hitman in this film so that is quite macho I suppose but on the other hand he still manages to look like he’s hiding something. You know what I mean? The grey hair makes him look like a seasoned arse-bandit which is nice. You decide on this one luvvies.

Gaydar Rating N/A

Well, there you have it. It doesn’t take a fookin genius to realise that the Cruiser is now officially a member of the gay community. We welcome you with open arms Tom. And open zips. And with stonking great stiffies. We love you Tom!

And just to make sure that this is now set in stone, his full name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. How fookin gay is that? It was in front of us all the time but it took a real carpet-muncher like myself to uncover the truth. Maybe you can’t handle the truth.

My Best Ever Film. Ever. Ever. Ever!

Coo-Eee! I’ve been a reet lazy nob-jockey this week what with only posting a couple of things. Not as fookin lazy as that other fudge-nudger DasGeordie mind. Honestly, he’s spent the last week trying to suck his own todger. I kept telling him that he’ll need to remove a couple of vertebrae to do that which he is quite willing to do apparently. He’s got the operation booked in for next week I think. What a gayer. Anyhoo, I thought I would post a little article on one of the best films ever made. Yep, better than Citizen Kane, The Godfather and Goodfellas. Those films don’t interest me in the slightest. Too macho and that. No, this film is a masterpiece of direction, scripting, acting and editing. The film?...........'Mannequin' of course. Yay!

How this film didn’t sweep the boards at the 1988 Oscars is a mystery to me. I mean, the plot was genius and it had that Kim Cattrall off my fave TV show in it, not to mention the godlike Andrew McCarthy. What a dish he is in that film. I fookin would like. I must have seen it a good 200 times and I never get bored of it. It was directed by Michael Gottlieb who is tremendously gay. I think. He must be really when you think about it. He also directed another classic, Mr Nanny, with that butch wrestler in it. Proper knuckle-shuffle material that. Likes me some muscle cock.

I digress. Mannequin also had a mint soundtrack including the sublime ‘Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now’ by Starship. The amount of times I’ve noshed off a bloke while listening to that song beggers belief I tell ya. Simply put, if you haven’t seen ‘Mannequin’ you can’t say you are a lover of films and you certainly can’t say you take it oop the cack-chute. It’s a bonafide work of art that needs to be seen again and again. In fact, I’m gonna put it on again tonight. I fancy curling oop on the sofa with some Haagen Daaz, a glass of wine and watching me fave film again. And possibly have a wank.



You can buy it off Play.com for a fiver by the way. You go girl!

Ridley Scott Got It Sooooo Wrong

Silly Sci-Fi nonsense. Could have done with being so much gayer don't ya think. Liberace as Ripley would have been inspired casting.

Orgasmic Four Was Really Gay. Sweet!

Hello you cheeky campers! As you might have noticed we’ve gone all gay and that. Geordie boy and myself like a bit of the brown now. We literally don’t have sexual feelings toward ladies at all. Why? We’re not sure to be honest but we spent a gooood night together finding out. Ooh, sphincter love is lush like. We can’t keep our filthy homo hands off each other. With this in mind we are not at all angry about much except the cost of moisturiser and arse lubricant.

Please, any loyal readers, stay with us as we will still try really, really, really hard to keep you entertained with our movie blogs. The only thing we will warn you about is our sudden change in movie tastes. We used to like manly films with horrid killings and shots of women's bits. Ewwww! Not anymore. We stick our dicks where shit lives. In fact, I have a vibrating egg stuck up my arse as I type this. Feels lush I tell ya. Who needs women eh?

I went to this mint gay pride festival in Berlin and got beaten up by some reet nasty skinheads but I did manage to have a chat and a quick suck-off with that bald bender from Reet Said Fred and he said that being gay is awesome and I agree. He maybe past his prime but he can pump my cheeks any day. Hey, if you're reading Fred....I did swallow.

Anyhoo, I felt like giving a quick review of a lovely film I saw just today. It was called ‘Orgasmic Four: Rise of the Silver Dildo’. I lurrrrved it. Really sweet and enjoyable for men like ourselves, you know, the ones who like to bash Bourneville. Very colourful with lots of shots of men's bums and lunch boxes. I had to leave the cinema twice just to wank myself off while shoving a half eaten hot-dog right oop my jinxy.

I’m going off on a proper tangent here luvvies. Apparently, the Orgasmic four are having a reet laff being sexy and that in their skin....tight.....ooh....uniforms when this pesky silver dildo starts giving them grief and that. He swoops down thinking he’s Jenny from the block and starts being reeeeallly nasty to the world and that. There’s a fit bloke called Mr Fantastic who has a massive cock and can make it as big as he likes (jammy bastard) and there’s also a really fit bloke who can go on fire and stuff. I didn’t really like it when he did that. Silly. I preferred it when he had his top off. Made my cock twitch.

For some reason there was a big orange monster that looked really shit but I still managed to find something sexual about him, being a man that craves spunk. I bet his cock is ROCK HARD. Hehehe! Lurves the cock I do.

Oh, and there was this minging woman in it who could go invisible and that. Silly. I bet her fanny smells of fish. I prefer the old meat and two veg now.

In between all the fit men with bulging cocks there was some silly plot about a cloud eating the world but I was too busy paying attention to flame mans bollocks to notice.

All in all I would give this a gay rating of 9/10. Plenty of wank-bank material for men like us who enjoy biting pillows and nudging fudge.

Go superheroes!