Cinema Employees: An Expose
I know what you think, minimum wages, sweeping up popcorn, watching ARE WE DONE YET? eighteen times, serving unhappy bastards like me and Crabman all day - Working in a cinema must be a pretty crap job. Yeah, it's not spending all day watching films, it's lugging popcorn around and smiling at the fourteenth person to ask for tickets to see "That Lord of the Rings film, The Twin Towers?" and not being sick at the smell of cheese sauce. It's a crappy job. Or so I thought, but I've been doing some deep-cover work into the Real Life of a cinema employee. I spoke to a contact on the inside, let's just call him "Ian", and he enlightened me. That he's a cunt.
You see, when you're sitting in a packed, sweaty theatre that stinks of vomit, with some kid kicking the back of your chair and a group of teens having a chat and you can't hear a fucking thing... Your loyal staff member is probably having a wank in the staff toilets or sneaking off for the eighteenth sly fag of that hour. This "Ian" informed me that actually working in a cinema is a piece of piss and probably the easiest job in the world. I got the impression from my brief meeting with this character that he was sub-literate and this was the only job he could reasonably get. He shockingly informed me of spending several hours asleep in the disabled toilet, all the while, disabled people were probably shitting themselves in the aisles up and down the cinema. I will not inform you which cinema this "Ian" works for, but it's the Empire in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Fucksticks.
He was later joined by a fellow comrade, who we will call "Ross". This convict-looking motherfucker also told me that they are usually pissed at the wheel. They also conduct huge scams, steal merchandise and call customers "Cock-fuckers" to their faces. You don't even want to know what they dip in the popcorn, but it's their cocks. Fuckropes. I was utterly disgusted at this point, but had to restrain myself as I like going to the cinema and trying to optically rape one of the staff would get me barred FOR LIFE. These two reprobates also informed me that it's basically one big orgy and the staff are fucking each other over the projector at least twice a day. And that the tickets are printed on the withered leathery scalps of dead babies.
So basically, next time you're in the cinema and one of the surly, acne-ridden cunts asks you for seven-fucking-pounds or however much it is now, they are secretly laughing at you. They have the easiest job in the world and spend all their time getting pissed on cheap vodka and smoking tabs. They do no work and watch films all day. Because they're all cunts.
You see, when you're sitting in a packed, sweaty theatre that stinks of vomit, with some kid kicking the back of your chair and a group of teens having a chat and you can't hear a fucking thing... Your loyal staff member is probably having a wank in the staff toilets or sneaking off for the eighteenth sly fag of that hour. This "Ian" informed me that actually working in a cinema is a piece of piss and probably the easiest job in the world. I got the impression from my brief meeting with this character that he was sub-literate and this was the only job he could reasonably get. He shockingly informed me of spending several hours asleep in the disabled toilet, all the while, disabled people were probably shitting themselves in the aisles up and down the cinema. I will not inform you which cinema this "Ian" works for, but it's the Empire in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Fucksticks.
He was later joined by a fellow comrade, who we will call "Ross". This convict-looking motherfucker also told me that they are usually pissed at the wheel. They also conduct huge scams, steal merchandise and call customers "Cock-fuckers" to their faces. You don't even want to know what they dip in the popcorn, but it's their cocks. Fuckropes. I was utterly disgusted at this point, but had to restrain myself as I like going to the cinema and trying to optically rape one of the staff would get me barred FOR LIFE. These two reprobates also informed me that it's basically one big orgy and the staff are fucking each other over the projector at least twice a day. And that the tickets are printed on the withered leathery scalps of dead babies.
So basically, next time you're in the cinema and one of the surly, acne-ridden cunts asks you for seven-fucking-pounds or however much it is now, they are secretly laughing at you. They have the easiest job in the world and spend all their time getting pissed on cheap vodka and smoking tabs. They do no work and watch films all day. Because they're all cunts.
Labels: Cunt
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