Why Is Jon Brown Such A Massive Cunt?

If you're wondering who this cunt is I wouldn't be at all surprised. Now, this monumental cunt has nothing to do with films. In fact he is a "comedy writer". Or so he says. Let me just put this straight by saying he is nothing of the sort. By their very nature, "comedy writers" have to write funny material. That's the way comedy works you see. You write something funny and hopefully people will laugh at said material. This prick is quite possibly the unfunniest person on the entire interweb. Have a look at his site if you don't believe me. Its wank. Really wank. I know, I know, we sometimes post stuff like 'THE JEAN CLAUDE CANNED HAM' because we may have run out of ideas that particular week but believe me when I say the 'THE JEAN CLAUDE CANNED HAM' is comedy gold akin to Monty Python compared to the shit this cunt puts on his blog. I tried putting a few comments on a post of his that basically came down to "YOU ARE A MASSIVE, MASSIVE CUNT AND ARE ABOUT AS FUNNY AS THE BAD AIDS!" but apparently he disagreed and banned all further comments apart from "team members". His friends basically.

Now, if it's not bad enough that this cunt is a cunt, he likes to brag about how he has written for the BBC. Fine you might say until you find out that he wrote an episode of TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A PACKET OF CRISPS which just happens to be the worst program on TV let alone the worst "comedy" on TV. It's worse than CELEBRITIES DANCING ON ICE AND EATING KANGAROO TESTICLES. Why on Earth he would brag about this is quite beyond me. IT'S FUCKING SHIT, NOT FUNNY AND ANYONE WHO WRITES FOR IT IS A SPECTACULAR CUNT. This is what he says about himself on his pile of shit site:

I'm a young comedy writer from Northampton. Three things you need to know: 1) I was recently nominated as one of Broadcast Magazine's 'Hot-Shots' for 2007. 2) In 2004, I finished runner-up in the BBC's highly prestigious Talent scheme. 3) My credits include After You've Gone, We Are Mongrels, Two Pints, Scallywagga, No Heroics, The Milk Run and My Hero.

HA HA HA HA HA HA. The only funny thing this cunt has written seems to be his profile. Highly prestigious? Don't be such a wanker. Runner up? No shit you fucking bell-end. He fucking loves himself this cunt. He has recently amended his profile as before he mentioned that he wrote something for HEAT magazine. So, he's gay as well then. PRICK. This is him.



He looks like a fucking cunt as well.

DEATHPROOF Review: Ten Things I Hate About Quentin

So, I saw a completely legitimate and not even slightly illegal copy of DEATHPROOF last night. Crabman has already briefly mentioned how shit GRINDHOUSE was and wanted a second opinion on the theatrical release of Tarantino's half. Sometimes I disagree with him just because I'm a mardy cunt so he was a little concerned I'd like it. However, he couldn't be more wrong. If anything, I actually hate it MORE than he does.

1. Feet fetishes are weird - Look, Quentin, I can get behind people like Russ Meyer. Any man who doesn't like massive tits appearing in his films is a fucking weirdo. But obsessing over women's feet is just FUCKING WEIRD. They are ugly as sin. They look like mong hands. Even painted, they're ugly. And I bet they smell too. So, STOP FUCKING MAKING US LOOK AT FEET!
   
   
2. It's way too long - Most people thought it was too long and dull when it was only half a film, so now it's nearly half an hour longer and on it's own... Well, it's WWWWWWWWay too fucking long. And the amazing part about it all is that there is literally no plot here. A canny editor - either at the pre or post production stage - could cut this film down to 20 minutes long. There is literally that much actual material. So you're wondering what the remaining run-time is filled with. Well...
   
   
   
3. Fucking cameo-tastic cunt - Not only does Tarantino insist on appearing in this film as a cool barman in the coolest bar in the whole world... but he gives fucking Eli Roth a cameo too. WHAT A CUNT. In fact, Roth's role could be summed up as "cunt". He probably thought it was really funny that he was playing a cunt, which is some kind of double-double-double-irony squared. Because he really is a cunt. And can't act at all. I have no problem with Hitchcock-esque brief glimpses. Peter Jackson has got it down to a fine art. But when you start getting to M Night Shyamalan levels of self-insertion, well, just FUCK OFF.
   
   
4. The scratched film - Now, I wouldn't really have a problem with this normally. I don't mind creators filming in black and white nowadays. I loved THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE and GOOD NIGHT & GOOD LUCK. They looked good. So I have no problem with deliberately evoking a style from the past. And it looks very convincing during the first half. Admittedly, it's a bit disconcerting from time to time, but it works to make the film look old. Then, randomly, he just stops doing it halfway through. Did he get bored? Too lazy? Run out of money? I can't think of any stylistic reason why he would do it. Likewise, there's a pointless ten minute scene in the middle of the film that's black and white for no reason. Seriously, what the fuck?
   
   
5. Girl talk - Oh my god, I could write 10,000 words on this very easily. I could write an entire blog just based on some of the conversation pieces Tarantino wrote into this film. What's more likely is I will scrawl it in the blood of dead prostitutes across my bedroom wall shortly before I'm thrown into Arkham Asylum. Because, OH MY GOD, is it pointless. I'm not the kind of person who just wants to cut to the killing and car chases - I've loved some of Tarantino's dialogue in the past. But this is so masturbatory, it's not even funny. Not only that, 90% of it has ABSOLUTELY NO RELEVANCE to the plot whatsoever. It's not even giving you an insight into the characters, it's just Tarantino showing how cool and clever he is. There is a full 45 cunting minutes of girl talk before Kurt Russell even turns up. It's a fucking exploitation slasher film, you UTTER utter cunt!
   
   
6. Zoe Bell is totally out of place - Aside from the fact it's so fucking - and oh god, I'm going to say the word again - masturbatory to include his stuntwoman as... a stuntwoman in his film, she is VERY wrong here. I'm sure her understated, naturalistic style of acting would work with a more documentarian style, but in this world of ultra-stylised acting and dialogue, she feels wrong. She feels like she's walked into the wrong film. Actually, I'm being nice to her, her acting is a bit shit. All this talk of, "Ooh, she's a potential action movie star of the future" is utter wank. She is a stuntwoman and a very good one. That is all. Cunts.
   
   
7. Women are best, men suck balls - The only guys who appear in this film are either (a) Tarantino himself (b) Utter misogynist cunts or (c) A fucking weird shop clerk sequence. I mean, seriously, why doesn't Tarantino follow "Lana" Wachowski into ladyboy's-ville? It was fun and quirky when he played on women protagonists in JACKIE BROWN, was a little obvious in KILL BILL and now it's just fucking tedious. I'm going to spoil the second half of the film now - IT WAS SHIT. OK, that's not a spoiler. What actually happens halfway through is the hunter becomes the hunted. And it is the least convincing plot twist I have ever seen. The hard-as-nails, psychopathic serial killing stuntman gets a minor flesh wound and becomes a whining, sissy who runs away and is scared shitless of a bunch of whiny bitches. Likewise, the bunch of fashion model-looking bitches suddenly turn into death-hungry killers who don't mind beating a man to death in the street. If somebody had actually read this script before shooting, they might have been able to point out how FUCKING STUPID it was.
   
   
   
   
8. Totally pointless scenes - Seriously, there are literally a dozen scenes in this film which I retrospectively realised served NO purpose at all. When you're watching them, you think, "Right, there must be some reason why we get these loving close-ups of a girl sending a text message." But OH NO, they have literally no point at all. You never even meet the cunt who she's texting. And that's not even the worst offender. Pretty much any scene with girls chatting is pointless. UTTERLY pointless. But the entire film is RIDDLED with scenes that go nowhere and prove only to pad out the running time. The worst offender is the scene in the middle where the Sheriff turns up, explains he knows what Stuntman Mike is up to and then says he's going to do fuck-all about it. WHAT? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? Are we going to have the cleaner wander on and tell us he's not interested in catching him either? I know it's just so Tarantino can do That Cameo again, but it's still pointless. And then the stuff that really should get followed-up never even see a mention.
   
   
9. The ending - The only reason I don't hate the ending of this film is because it meant the film was FINALLY FUCKING OVER. But seriously, when "The End" comes up on-screen, if you aren't utterly fucking surprised I will eat my fucking hat. In fact, I'm tempted to ask my mate who works at a cinema to take a picture of the audience's faces at the exact second "The End" appears on screen. I imagine it will be very similar to that website featuring photos of people the first time they see Goatse...
   
   
10. The car bits aren't even that good - Seriously. There's not really any car bits until the very end. And they basically entail two cars driving down a road nudging each other. And then nudging a bit more. And also, all the characters in these films drive stupidly fashionable cars. Nobody has a Vauxhall Nova. But the most exciting part of the whole thing is Zoe Bell hanging onto a car bonnet whilst being attacked by Stuntman Mike. And after ten minutes of her swinging around and shrieking, you kinda get bored. And whilst I kinda agree with the character's (And obviously Tarantino's) views that practical stuntwork will always be better than CG, there is a middle-ground. The big rig chase along a bridge in BAD BOYS II is a perfect example of merging CG and practical. So fuck off, you outmoded cunt.

That is only the first ten things that came to my mind when typing. I could probably write you another ten quite easily. You might notice I don't mention Kurt Russell that much, because he's the only thing of worth in the first half of the film. Kurt Russell is a legend. That goes to shit in the second half however. You might also notice that there's not actually that much humour in this post. That's because I was SO fucking furious about how shit this film was that I can't even laugh about it. Do not, on pain of death, pay good money to go see this bag of shit. And if you have seen it and enjoyed it, I would really like to hear from you. After you convince your warden to give you some paper and crayons and loosen your straps.

Why Is Owen Wilson Such A Massive Cunt?

Wondered this recently? Well, I fucking have. In fact, that question keeps me up most nights and just so I can sleep tonight I’m going to cathartically list the reasons why I think Owen Wilson is such a massive cunt. Interested? Come on peeps, let’s out this fucker for the massive cunt that he is.

Shanghai Fucking Noon

I mean, really. What the fuck was all that about? I’d love to meet the studio executive that greenlit that piece of shit. What on earth made anybody think that what the moviegoing public really needed was a staggeringly unfunny comedy/western movie pairing Jackie Too Old For This shit Chan and our cunt Wilson. For starters, How the fuck did a Chinese martial artist end up looking for a kidnapped princess in the wild west? How fucking stupid is that? And, I’m sorry, but you could be Bruce fucking Lee for all I care but it only takes one bullet to the head and you're fucked. A bit like that fancy swordsman in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Wank. And then we have Owen I Will Appear In Literally Any Old Wank If The Pay Is Right Wilson. Acting like a cunt. For a change. I was led to believe that SHANGHAI NOON was an action/comedy/western. It isn’t. It is a FUCKING/PILE/OF/SHIT. If that film wasn’t bad enough, the cunts went and made a sequel, SHANGHAI KNIGHTS, of which I have not seen because, frankly, life is just too fucking short. Anybody reading this who actually enjoyed either of those two films please feel free to do the following...

Attempt Suicide

Actually, don’t attempt it. Blow your fucking brains out, you morons. Which brings me nicely to Mr Wilson’s recent suicide bid. Now, before you start, I truly feel for anyone that decides that they can’t go on with life anymore whether that be due to severe depression, loss of a loved one or just that they’re completely fucking mental. However, I couldn’t give a flying rats cunt about a multi millionaire playboy Hollywood actor who decided that life was just too unfair and he couldn’t go on because... of a fucking bird. That’s right, Owen Wilson tried to take his life over Kate Bland-As-Fuck Hudson. I can’t for the life of me think why. She hasn’t even got any fucking tits for a start. “Oh boo hoo, Kate dumped me and I can’t cope anymore. Life is shit. Boo hoo hoo. And Steve Coogan's coming round in a bit. WAAAAHHHHHHHH! And....and, I get paid $20 million a *sniff* film and my mansion is *sniff* fucking enormous. I want to FUCKING DIE!” Funny that, Owen, I want you to fucking die as well and I’m pretty sure that Kate Hudson deffo won’t want you back now you SNIVELLING, UNGRATEFUL, TWAT CLANGER! Get a fucking grip.

His Nose Looks Like A Bellend

Look at it! It’s fucking hideous. Now, I’m well aware that the shape of one's nose does not necessarily make them a cunt but JUST LOOK AT IT! He’s fucking minted, why doesn’t he get that fucking abomination fixed. I also don’t understand why he’s such a heart-throb either. I’m pretty sure that if I had a nose that looked like a massive cock, all the money in the world wouldn’t get me laid so how the fuck does he manage it? “He’s’ reeeaaallly funny and charismatic" No. He. Isn’t. STUPID SUICIDAL COCK NOSE CUNT!



The Wedding Crashers

I should have made this a double post to include Vince Annoying Nasally Voiced Cunt Vaughn as well. Again, I was under the impression that THE WEDDING CRASHERS was a comedy. I counted two chuckles which is not indicative of a “comedy”. I laughed more times during LEAVING LAS VEGAS for fucks sake. It’s just another one of those shitty frat-pack films that was nothing more than an outlet for Owen and Vaughn to give each other reach-arounds onscreen “How fucking funny are we man?” Erm, about as funny as Hurricane Katrina, lads. They make me want to puke, the intolerably smug rim-jimmys.

He Has The Acting Range Of A Fucking Aubergine

Owen Wilson plays the same fucking character in every film. Owen Wilson. If there is ever a need for a slightly oddball, stoner wise-arse with a nose that looks like a cock you can be sure that he will get the part. He has become tedious to the extreme and I want him to STOP. I would like to see him stretch his acting abilities by taking the lead in something like SCHINDLERS LIST. Can you imagine? No, I can’t either.

“Woah dude! The Holocaust is, like, heavy man.”

Fucking dreadful. How many more scripts exist that call for annoyingly laid back arseholes like Wilson. Fucking shitloads probably which makes me want to attempt, nay, succeed at suicide. So, Owen, if you’re reading this please either:

a) Stop acting
b) Get a nose job or
c) Blow your fucking brains out.

Mystic Review Pizza: THE SEVENTH SEAL

D’ya know wot it is right. I woke up this glory with a fackin smasher of an ‘angover and got a dog and bone call off DossCunt and Crapminge or whatever the fack they call themselves these days, and they asked me if I would go dahn me local flicks like and review THE SEVENTH SEAL for ‘em. “Fack orf!” I said “you know me, I only review films that aint even been farkin’ made yet being the future seeing cahnt I am”. Apparently, those two melt pricks were too busy to go see it themselves coz they were workin’ on a post. Sumfin' abaht socks that mop up yer spunk like. I wasn’t really in the farrrrkin’ mood to argue with the wankers so I agreed. So, after giving the missus a good fackin’ pasting, I set off dahn me local fleapit to watch this pile of shit. I had no fackin’ idea wot it was abaht or anyfing.



I bought a fackin’ ticket and sat dahn in me seat like. Nah, the first thing I’ll say is that the cinema woz full of wot people dahn my end of Lahndan call “facking posh wanky faarrrrrkin student cahnts”. All sittin’ there sippin’ their fackin water talking abaht posh shit like “I read this book the other day” blah, blah farrrrrrkin blah. I fackin’ ‘ate students I do. Utter melt cahnts. Anyway, the fackin film. Nah, before I go on wiv my farkin’ review, the two whingy cahnts that run this shit site said that this would be a brand spankin’ remastered print. “It will look sweet Mystic mate” they said. Well.......

IT’S IN BLACK AND FARRRRKIN WHITE YOU FACKIN’ LYING NONCE CAHNTS!

Straight up. No word of a lie. Shit fackin' sahnd an' all. This fackin THE SEVENTH SEAL was proper fackin’ old mush. Those two kiddy fiddlin’ Newcastle supporting northern monkeys actually got your old mucker Mystic to pay good fackin’ money to go see a 500 year old film. To be honest, I don’t even know where to start on just how un-farrrrrrrkin-believably shit that film was. From what I could make ‘aht, this fackin’ old cahnt, played by Max Von Shithouse, sits on a fackin’ beach playing chess with an even older slaphead shit-stabber. FOR 2 FARRRRRRKIN’ HOURS. Wot in facks name is all that abaht mush? I mean, no explosions, no fackin’ car chases, no tit or fackin’ minge and, more importantly, NO DANNY FACKIN’ DYER! You wait till I see those two cocoa-shunting wankers. Gave me the right hump it did. If it wasn’t bad enough being made to sit in a fackin’ cinema and watch what is most probably the worst farkin’ film ever made, I had two Oxford wankers sitting behind me givin’ me a running fackin’ commentary throughaht the cahnt.

“Oh, the lighting is so......haunting”
“This is high art. It’s a masterpiece”
“It speaks to me on so many different levels”
“It’s so deep. I think I’m going to cry”

I’ll give you sumfin’ to fackin’ cry abaht you pretentious arse-bandits. And I did. I Kicked seven shades of pony ‘aht of the whining fack-sticks and left the cinema with so much red mist that I went straight home and paralysed the missus wiv a crowbar. Fackin’ women. Mind you mush, that’s fack all compared to what I’ll do next time I see the two faggots that run this SHIT SITE. FACKIN’ STUPID, RIM-JOBBING, PANSY-ARSED, CUM-GUZZLING CAHNTS!



From nah on, I’m only gonna look waaaaaaaaayyyyyy into the farrrrrrrkin’ future to review films. So, to rahnd up THE SEVENTH SEAL. Here is my poster quote for the film.

“Makes you wanna kill students and paralyse the missus with a crowbar!”
MYSTIC REVIEW PIZZA

Kazzam!

ADDENDUM

Just a quick naht from Barbara, Ms. Mystic Pizza. Nah you might be thinkin', why do I stay with this 'orrible misogynistic wife-pummelling cunt ov a pizza? You might be wonderin' why I put up with the constant battering with a pizza box or all the times he rubbed parmesan in me wounds. You might think 'at. But I laaav the cunt. And more importantly, he can see into da farkin' future! Can your husband see into da farkin' future? NAH, HE FARKIN' CANT, YOU CAHNT. Of course, I wish I could see into da farkin' future cos then I'd know when I was abaht to get another farkin' pastin'. Anyway, I'm off to tend to me wounds and re-apply me makeup. I might even flick me chilli bean to Danny Dyer while da trouble and strife is passed out in front of his goggle box. 'Ee fucking loves him some STREETHAWK, the dirty cockney seer of da future.

A Warning: Pussy-whipped

Not that we want to give anyone more evidence that we are horrible misogynist women-hating cunts... Well, I am, Crabman's not. He LOVES women. Especially his wife (In case she's reading). I fucking HATE women and regularly fuck them to prove my point. This isn't a boast, especially if you'd seen the lick of the women I fuck. Anyway, to prove why I hate women, I will provide pictorial evidence of how evil they really are -



Yes, in case the fact that you can't guess which film this stub is for, it's PRIDE & PREJUDICE. The film starring Keira Knightley and That Cunt Off SPOOKS about love in the staid world of period unspoken love. And when I say it was a period piece, I mean I enjoyed it as much as I enjoy women's periods. It was AWFUL. Dull, slow, boring, piss-poor acting and DONALD SUTHERLAND, YOU FUCKING SELL-OUT CUNT. So you might be wondering why I, not only, watched this film but went to the cinema and see it. I'll tell you why, because of fucking women.

I have used the justification with Crabman that (a) If I sit through this shit, I could convince The Ex to sit through TRANSPORTER 2 and (b) I might get a BJ out of it. Neither of these excuses hold much water as (a) Who the fuck wouldn't want to see TRANSPORTER 2 anyway? And (b) BJ's are overrated and I should expect them as standard during a relationship. Yes, I am single, why do you ask? But the fact I actually sat through this FUCKING AWFUL film almost qualifies me for removal of my cock and replacement with a fanny. In fact, I should just hand over my Man Card right now. Even worse, I have a lot of mates in the cinema and so had to sheepishly pretend I was going to see DEATH KILL ORGY 7 instead of PRIDE & GAYJUDICE. What a cunt.

Crabman has the correct and not even slightly misogynistic approach and refuses to go see these films. Why am I single and he's married? I'm even much better looking too! And I can last more than 20 seconds before rolling over and having a tab. He has never had to sit through PRIDE & PREJUDICE and never will. He has, however, made his wife watch ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK approximately four billion times. It's not even that good a film either (Only kidding, I just say these things to wind him up). The absolute drivel I have sat through is terrifying. I found ticket stubs for stuff I can't even remember seeing or even what they're about. TARNATION? What the fuck is that about? I could go on. I really could. But I won't.

Yes, I am now single, why do you ask?

I am open to offers, though, if Keira Knightley's reading. But I need a guarantee of a BJ or I'm not bothering, pet.

CUNT!

Crabman Ponders Rob Zombie's Remake Of HALLOWEEN

I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do this but after watching Rob Zombie’s remake of HALLOWEEN last week I feel I have to say a few things about it but you’ll have to excuse me if this post is neither informative or funny. Any regular readers will know of my total disgust towards POINTLESS FUCKING REMAKES. The past few years have seen remakes of THE OMEN, THE HILLS HAVE EYES and THE FOG, to name but a few and quite frankly 99.99% of them have been fucking lazy abortions of the originals. I have said before that I have no problem whatsoever with remaking films that didn’t work the first time around but to keep rehashing well loved classics is not only pointless but fucking irritating.

John Carpenter’s original 1978 HALLOWEEN was a film I grew up with and loved and I still watch it at least twice a year, once always on Halloween night. Have done for years. Carpenter crafted a lean, atmospheric and shit-your-pants scary film from a budget that these days wouldn’t even pay for Chris Tucker’s brain medicine. Michael Myers was quite possibly the scariest motherfucker I had ever seen on film when I was a kid and he still is. In Carpenter’s original. It is and will probably always be one of my favourite horror films of all time. Its PERFECT. There has been six sequels (not including HALLOWEEN III) and never before has the law of diminishing returns ever been so aptly applied. The franchise reached a true low in HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION when Busta Rhymes roundhouse kicks Myers in the head. What. The. Fuck? To be honest, apart form HALLOWEEN II, I had pretty much given up on the whole franchise but I still have the perfect original to cherish. I remember saying to a few mates last year that there are some films that Hollywood wouldn’t dare remake. THE EXORCIST, JAWS and ,of course, HALLOWEEN. So, imagine my complete fucking exasperation when it was announced that the always savvy Weinstein brothers had brought Rob Zombie on board to “re-imagine” Carpenter’s flawless original.

Now, I’ll start of by saying that I have only seen the WORKPRINT that was leaked online last week which was Zombie’s original vision that was shown to test audiences earlier in the year. The theatrical version, released in America last Friday has had some alterations to it demanded by the studio and from what I've read the WORKPRINT is superior. Unbelievably so. That's yet another major clusterfuck from the Weinsteins. Fat cunts.

The first 30 minutes deals with the ten year old Michael Myers played by "creepy looking" newcomer Daeg Faerch. He's shown to have a “shit life”. His mother is a stripper. His mother’s boyfriend is an alcoholic bully. His sister is a slag. He gets bullied at school. The Myers house is the only shit-hole in the entire neighbourhood. He has no friends and, oh yeah, he kills his pet rats with a knife. It really is the stupidest, most ill-advised opening to a film I have seen in a long time. I’m guessing that Zombie was attempting to explain why Michael Myers becomes the monster he does but in reality all he has done is just miss the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT. Michael Myers gave me nightmares as a kid for a very good reason. He WAS the boogeyman. Pure evil. Unstoppable and relentless, any explanation as to why he kills would just make him less scary. What we don’t understand, we fear. Zombie fucked up. Good start.



The film moves forward to Michael being transferred to a “secure” sanatorium after he brutally kills his mother’s boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend. He can’t remember committing the murders and doesn’t understand why he has been locked up. Step forward Malcolm Mcdowell playing the part of Dr Sam Loomis so memorably played by Donald Pleasence in the original. First of all, I like Malcolm Mcdowell and I did think that he was quite an inspired piece of casting for this remake but he’s fucking terrible in this film. I place the blame squarely at Rob Zombie for this. The dialogue he has to work with is awful and to be honest, Zombie can’t direct actors. He can’t direct at all actually. Loomis spends a good few years trying to get through to Michael after he kills a nurse with a fork that he had handy and becomes a mute. Instead of talking, Michael makes and wears a series of masks to convey his mood. Loomis gives up, turns into a fucking bell-end and writes a book all about Myers. UTTER WANK!

15 YEARS LATER

Michael is now a seven foot monster of a man and still, understandably, locked up. Late one night, two stereotypical redneck arseholes that work the nightshift decide to rape one of the female inmates. In Myers cell. With him in it. Because, of course, if I was wanting to rape a mentally disturbed woman in the dead of night, where better to do it than in a seven foot tall, homicidal maniac's cell all the while taunting said homicidal maniac and LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN! He escapes. Obviously. This “secure” unit is nothing of the fucking sort. He wanders outside with one of his masks on and trots off down the road. Zombie, you are trying MY FUCKING PATIENCE.

From here on in, Zombie just let’s Michael loose on the town of Haddonfield killing pretty much everyone he can find but there is zero tension. It’s not scary and quite frankly, for a film pretending to be HALLOWEEN, it’s a fucking disgrace. In the original, Myers loomed out of shadows, appeared from nowhere but all the time remaining omnipresent. Wherever you hid, the creepy cunt would just appear. SCARY. Zombie has Myers just wander form house to house for no other reason than to show another gratuitous tit shot or slicing of a throat. Any fans of the original will remember a complete lack of blood. I haven’t got a problem with gore. Or tits. Quite the opposite actually. But if you really must remake HALLOWEEN please make sure you do the following.

MAKE IT SCARY YOU STUPID CUNT. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE.

I could go on and on about what’s wrong with this film but I won’t. Actually, I think I will.

• The beginning
  
• The script is awful
  
• The acting is atrocious. Even, as mentioned earlier, Malcolm Mcdowell.
  
• The teenage girls are all now one dimensional BRATZ rejects. You actually want them to die.
  
• The middle.
  
• Michael Myers looks like a fucking wanky grunge rock cunt.
  
• Zombie uses that fucking awful “shaky cam” effect. Yawn.
  
• Michael Myers is made out to be a sympathetic psycho killer. ???????????
  
• Zombie really needs to stop putting his stupid fucking wife in his films. She’s rubbish.
  
• The majority of the film makes no sense whatsoever.
  
• The end. Which really is unbelievably bad.

The only two things I like about this cunt of a remake was the music and Myers’ mask. Both of which were in the original film in the first place. So, WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT? I’m afraid I can’t answer that for you. Feel free to check out the WORKPRINT here and save yourself some cash when it eventually opens here in October. Be quick though, I have a feeling it won't be online for much longer. As I said before, the cut that's online is the BETTER VERSION which actually makes me wander just how unspeakably bad the theatrical cut is. Suffice to say, it is getting a fucking good kicking from the critics. Good.



Please, Hollywood, stop producing these POINTLESS FUCKING REMAKES. If Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN wasn’t bad enough, I still have the remake of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK to look forward to in 2009. Directed by Len Wiseman.

FUCK. ME. SIDEWAYS.

Crabman. Simpsonized

It's not often I would do this but I'm stealing our good friends at Stupid Fucking Customers idea today. Partly because I'm fucking lazy but mainly because they're always ripping off our ideas. So, I decided to upload a photo of myself to The Simpsonizer and here's what the piece of shit spat out.



I am now officially worried about my looks. I'm only 8lbs away from that fucking comic book guy for fucks sake. How in the name of fuckity clunge-gunge am I married let alone ever had sex with a female? It's Saturday and I'm supposed to be in a good mood but frankly I am now near suicidal. I really shouldn't have done this to myself. I hate life but more importantly I hate MATT FUCKING GROENING.

By the way Matt, THE SIMPSONS MOVIE was fucking wank. Seriously. And that's not just because your Simpsonizer has made me look like a fat fucking loser who spends the majority of his free time either drinking crates of Stella Artois or calling Brett Ratner a cunt on his lame website. It really was a major fucking dissapointment.

CUNT!

Mystic Review Pizza: Psychic Pasty Is A Cahnt!

Nah, do I ‘ave the facking hump or do I ‘ave the facking hump. The two shit-stabbers that run this wank site are always asking me to do ‘em farkin’ favours and that. “look into the farkin’ future and review this” and “look into the faarrrrrkin future and review that”. I always relent because despite the cahnts being complete facking melts, I sorta like ‘em. But, just the uvver day, this proper pony site who call ‘emselves Stupid Fucking Customers had the fackin’ audacity to challenge my fackin’ future seeing abilities by bringing on board some cahnt called PSYCHIC PASTY. What the farrrrkin’ ‘ell is that all abaht mush eh? Stupid fackin’ cahnts more like. In case those cahnts ain't noticed, I’m a farrrrrrrrrkin rock 'ard naughty cockney with minerals the size of 'ampton fackin' court. I eat farrrrrkin pasties for breakfast mush. Not ahnly that, the cahnts wot write that shitty blog are obviously devoid of fackin’ ideas. Nah, I wanna make this plain and fackin’ clear right. Any cahnt that wants to go toe-to-fackin’-toe with yer old mucker Mystic is more than farrrrrkin’ welcome, because ya know wot? I know people mate. Fackin’ people that will kick ten shades of shit aht of any cahnt that tries to get tasty with me. Know wot I mean? If the cahnts want a fackin’ war the farrrrrrkin cahnts will get a farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkin war. Melts!


Nah that’s off me chest, I ‘ave to go and look waaaayyyyyyyyyy into the farkin’ future and review TERMINATOR 4 for the plebs that run this site. I ‘ave a feeling that TERMINATO.........hold on mush......."Oi, Barbara! I’m not being funny, but if you don’t stop that fackin’ dog barkin’ I’m gonna come in there and show you the tasty side of my fist...........No,no,no Barb. Stop and listen to me, I'm fackin' workin' ere so let me make this crystal farkin’ clear. SHUT THAT FACKIN’ DOG UP OR I WILL COME IN THE FARKIN' KITCHEN AND FACKIN’ SHUT YOU UP!

Sorry abaht that. Fackin’ women and all that. Anyway, like I said, Psychic Pasty can come at me with all he’s got but I ‘m pretty sure the cahnt comes from Cornwall in which case he’ll be a complete fackin’ fudge packer. Get facked!

Pasties? I shit ‘em

Kazzam!

P.S. TERMINATOR 4 was fackin' shit!

Two Angry Men Meet Brett Ratner

Well, a big thank you to all of our readers who gave so generously to the Two Angry Men Charity Foundation enabling DasGeordie and myself to succeed in winning ‘Dinner with Brett Ratner’ on Ebay. With a bit of last minute re-mortgaging and mugging we managed to raise the $15,800 needed to meet the cunt that made the RUSH HOUR TRILOGY.

We arrived in Los Angeles at 5.45pm yesterday and took a taxi straight from LAX to the restaurant where we would be meeting the man himself. I have to just quickly say that security is a bit wanting at American airports these days. We managed to get through with a machete, an M16, a tazer gun, a flame thrower and an array of rusty dildos without so much as a glance from the authorities. Stupid cunts. Anyway, we arrived at KFC at 7pm and there he was. Brett Ratner. I’ll start off by saying that he’s a right short arse. And fat. And he’s a total cunt. He did however make one fatal mistake in meeting us two. He had no security with him. Ha! We sat down and DasGeordie secretly turned on the dictaphone in his pocket. Here’s how it went down.

Brett Ratner: Hi guys. So, you wanted to meet the genius who made RUSH HOUR 1,2 and 3 as well as X-MEN 3 eh? You must think I’m the schizzle to pay such a large amount of money just to sit with me for a couple of hours.

Me: Yeah, something like that mate.

DasGeordie: We wouldn’t have missed this for the world Brett.

BR: So, what do you guys wanna ask me about?

Me: Erm, here’s a question for ya mate. How the fuckity cunt did you manage to fuck up X-MEN 3? You literally fucked the franchise up the shitter. You some sort of cunt or something?

DasGeordie: And FAMILY MAN was fucking shit as well.

Me: And AFTER THE SUNSET.

BR: Hey guys, what’s with all the hostility?

Me: Up yours fatso. Making one RUSH HOUR film is cunty enough. But 3! Despicable cunt. (Getting out my tazer gun and blasting Ratner in the chest) TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING TWAT-CLANGER!

BR: AAARRRGGGGGHHH!!!

DasGeordie: Hahahahahahah! Fucking mint! Oi Crabman, grab his legs and I’ll kick the cunt in the head several times.

Me: No fucking worries mate. (grabbing Ratners legs and pulling him to the ground)

SMACK! BOING! CRACK! BANG! WALLOP! CRASH!

BR: Uhhhhhh...........hel.................p...............crazy.................people.

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SLAG! (getting my machete out and chopping Ratners fat fucking arm off)

CHOP!!!

BR: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

DasGeordie: Crabman, throw us the flame thrower and I’ll scorch his fucking balls.

Me: DO IT!

BR: No........please.........I....beg........Rush......Hour......was.......

DasGeordie: EAT THIS!

WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!

BR: AARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!!! FUUUUUUUUCK!

(sounds of DasGeordie and myself continually kicking the shit out of Ratner. For an hour)

Me: You had enough Brett? Got the fucking message? You make one more film and we’ll come back and finish the job. Know what I mean? Fat cunt! Come on DasGeordie, we’ve got a plane to catch.

(DasGeordie gives fat boy one last kick to the temple and we leave the sobbing prick in a puddle of his own shit, piss and blood)

Not such a big shot now is he. I have to say that was the best $15,800 we have ever spent so a big thank you to all who donated so generously. You made the world a better place.


Ratner earlier today

Why Is John Travolta Such A Massive Cunt?

Hmmm. You ever pondered this? I have. It’s taken me a while but I think I have unravelled the mystery that so many before me have tried in vain to but to no avail. But, before I unleash Travolta’s spackery upon you, I shall get the boring fucking pleasantries out of the way and tell you the things that he’s done in the past which I admired.

Face/Off. The only decent Western John Woo film. Fact.
Saturday Night Fever. Don’t be fooled. It’s a mint film.
Grease. Don’t be fooled. I’m not a fudge-packer.
Get Shorty. Be Cool was fucking gash.
Carrie.
Pulp Fiction. Although let me reiterate that I now hate Quentin Tarantino just as much now as well.

There you go. I’m not a total cunt am I. Unlike John Travolta. Now, let us all together delve into the mass-cuntery of Captain John Travolta. Over.



1. Scientology

I shouldn’t really have to say too much about this really seeing that any human being with even an ounce of intelligence would agree that Scientology is, without a doubt, the stupidest fucking religion ever created in the entire fucking universe. Stupider than Christianity? Yep. Stupider than Buddhism? Fuckin’ A! Stupider than Islam? Er, no actually. Allah is a pretty decent guy just in case there are any fundamentalist mentalists reading. Which I highly fucking doubt, but if there are. Go Allah! I digress. Travolta, along with all the other slightly deranged, dead-eyed Hollywood oddballs believe that human beings are in fact just vessels with which to carry the spirits of aliens (from outer space no less) called Thetans. Riiiiight. I honestly believe that all Scientologists should be sectioned for even contemplating this to be true. I mean, if I was a highly advanced being from across the cosmos looking for a suitable host in which to carry my everlasting spirit, I certainly wouldn’t choose an irritating, overacting, has-been fat fuck of a serial wanker like Travolta. Know what I mean? JT and his fellow chunder-cunts also believe that psychology and anti-depressants are evil. Well, maybe he should have thought about that before he went and made..........

2. Battlefield Earth

3. He's a pilot.

Before you say anything, I don’t think pilots are cunts. Far from it. I entrust them with my life whenever they fly me somewhere. Cheers fellas. Also, being a pilot is a cool-assed job. When I was 14 I really wanted to become a fighter pilot much to my dad’s delight. Why? TOP GUN. Am I fighter pilot now? Am I fuck. Anyway, like I said, pilots are cool, John Travolta is a cunt. He’s such a fucking show-off that the twat-clanger even bought himself a Boeing 707-138. Prick. What the fuck does he need that for? He must have the worlds smallest cock. He even dresses up in the old pilots uniform whenever he flies the cunt. Who the fuck does he think he is? Maverick? Iceman? Cougar? Cuntbucket more like. Over.



4 Hairspray



Jesus fucking Christ. This picture should say more than words ever could. I’ve been having paralysis-inducing night terrors for weeks now and I’ve only seen the fucking trailer. Is there really any need for this? John Travolta in a fat suit? Yeah, like the bulbous cunt really needs one. Porky prick! Look at his big fuck-off hands. I seriously doubt even DasGeordie would fuck that. We are talking a bonfide 16 pinter here. Over.

5. Look Who’s Talking

Look who’s a serious cunt. Over.

6. He is about to play J.R in the big screen version of DALLAS

What a fantastic fucking idea. Fucking genius. It’s going to be helmed by the directing powerhouse that is.........Gurinder Chadha! She was the stunning talent behind such classics as BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM , BRIDE AND PREJUDICE and, erm, BHAJI ON THE BEACH. How can this Travolta/Chadha team-up possibly fail? Easy. It’s going to be FUCKING WANK! Who in their right mind greenlit this project? Probably the same retarded shit-spanner that greenlit THE DUKES OF HAZZARD. I used to love Dallas when I was a kid. It was ace. I seem to remember one of my very first wanks being over Victoria Principle. Not literally. Then there was the famous "Who Shot J.R?" storyline that had the whole world on the edge of their seats. All I ask is, if they really must insist on making a DALLAS movie, then please have the courtesy to shoot the cunt that plays J.R. For real. With a shotgun. Or maybe an uzi. THAT I would pay to see. Over.

7. Wild Hogs

I have made my thoughts on this film quite clear in the past but I must second that emotion. WILD HOGS is the type of film that only soon-to-be-on-their-arse cock-crunchers like Travolta will appear in. Tim fucking Allen is in it as well for fucks sake. And Martin cunting Lawrence. William H Macy gets off lightly here because I think he's the poodles doodles. Duller than whale shit mid-life crisis twaddle that literally makes me want to commit suicide just in case I decide to buy a Harley Davidson and wear a stupid fucking bandana. Get over it cock-knockers! The fact that WILD HOGS made a shit-load of cash in America means quite literally fuck all to me. No, that film was the beginning of the end for Captain Tub-O-Shit and DALLAS will only help in his eventual fall from grace. I reckon that in a year or two, JT's film career will be well and truly, well......over.

There you have it folks. John Travolta used to be cool but unfortunately he has since become the sort of preaching, tiresome, fat fucking arsehole that has, quite frankly, now made it impossible for me to watch PULP FICTION ever again without wanting to Fed Ex the entire Church of Scientology a massive, MASSIVE BOX OF AIDS RIDDLED CAT SHIT.

What a fucking cunt.

World >fnar< Of >titter< War >giggles< Craft >cackles< Movie >pisses pants< Planned

"Want To Learn Some Details About The Proposed WORLD OF WARCRAFT Film?!" expounds the header on Ain't It Cool's reportage of the, you guessed it, potential WORLD OF WARCRAFT film. I say "potential" because there is as much chance of this film seeing the light of day as there is Lindsay Lohan passing a piss-test. I, for one, am quite happy about this for several different reasons. What's that, Sparky? You think I'm going to do a bullet-point list? And swear a lot? And little Tim's fallen in the well? FUCK OFF AND CHEW A BONE, HAIR-BALL.

For those of you who go about your day-to-day life with nary a care in the world, talking to strangers, nipping to the shops, hitting the gym, meeting your girlfriend for cocktails and, most importantly, washing your bell-end from time to time, WORLD OF WARCRAFT is an Online Massively Multi-Player Roleplaying Game. Basically, a bunch of losers get together and pretend to be dwarfs and twat computer characters with sticks and then backslap each other over a job well done. I.e. they are cunts. If you are reading this and thinking I'm being a bit harsh on them, FUCK YOU! If you like playing WORLD OF WARCRAFT and are about to send me a lengthy hate-mail, FUCK YOU TOO!

(Note the irony of a man who writes a blog on the internet about TRANSFORMERS and BATMAN taking the piss out of people who play WORLD OF WARCRAFT.)

Anyway, on with the bullet-point list action! Ooh, today I'm going to spoil you with a numbered list! WOWZERS!

1. This "film" is blatantly an attempt to grab some of the tall LORD OF THE RINGS dollars that Hollywood execs imagine is out there waiting for them. I don't know how well THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA did, but I can tell you it was SHIT and TOO LONG and PREACHY and AN OVERLY-OBVIOUS CHRISTIAN ALLEGORY and HAD FUCKING CHILDREN IN IT. LORD OF THE RINGS was successful solely because it's based on one of the most successful series of books of all time. Case in point - Harry Potter. People would not go see the Harry Potter films if it wasn't for the books. Those films would not even GET MADE based on the shitty scripts, lack of original material and terrible lead actors.
   
   
2. Yes, I'm going to go there, fucktards - but anybody who would actually go and SEE a WORLD OF WARCRAFT film is most definitely a virgin. If they aren't a virgin, it means they found one of the rare female nerds with even lower self-esteem than them and convinced them to let them put all inch of their stump up her thatch for all three minutes before he cries out Green Lantern's oath as he pumps 30 years of backed-up jism into her mothball-crammed clunge. "In deepest day, in darkest >UNGH!< night, no evil shall >HUNNGNGNGNGNGN!< escape... That's it, Xena, I'm nearly there..."
   
   Just because you have shot your muck in or around a woman doesn't necessarily mean you are no longer a virgin. You are making a mockery of the act of sexual intercourse. There should be grades of virginity and if you've only ever convinced mentally drained nerdettes who are grateful for any attention and access to your backlot of Neo Geo ROMS to touch your tiny withered member then you are still a virgin in my eyes. Any woman who will fizz at the bunghole for Captain Jean-Luc Picard isn't really trying very hard anyway.
   
3. Not only is it an immensely misguided attempt to get some of the tall LOTR dollar (And I hate typing acronyms, but I've just discovered a variant of RSI called LOTR finger and don't want to end up with spack hands at aged 30), but it's also a misguided attempt to get some of the tall WOW dollar. Yes, more acronyms, YC (You Cunt). "People" who spend money on WORLD OF WARCRAFT are doing it so they can interact with other "people" without fear of bumping into actual real people who may point out they smell, are virgins, are ugly and smell. They do it so they can pretend to be great knights without actually getting off their fat arses. They are not going to go to the cinema to watch a film where they don't even get to play, especially don't get to talk to other nerds and have to follow a story rather than "a game plan".
   
   If they even want to see the film, people like this will download it. They will not go to the cinema to see it because while they're away, somebody could steal their +10 Sword Of Killing Stuff And Things or goblins could raid their secret lair or mummy could discover that secret stash of BARELY LEGAL Vol. 1-18 glued to the underside of your bed with man-fat. Cinemas are full of people and you need to be in close proximity to them. IMAGINE!
   
   
4. This film is listed as being a $100m property. Admittedly, that's probably only about £27.50 thanks to the exchange rate, but is still a lot of money. I expect it to make back somewhere in the region of £27.50. A better way to market this to the intended audience would be to only let them watch 20 minutes a month and then force them to setup a direct debit for £39.99 a month to get the next installment. Also, if you gave them a 30-day trial of CITY OF HEROES or something they might go. Or promised them Alyson Hannigan was waiting in Row G, absolutely frothing at the gash for some hot nerd on nerd action.
   
5. It's a shit game based on a shit real-time strategy game with zero originality and everything's been cribbed from LORD OF THE RINGS and nobody wants to see a film of it as it'll look like a third-rate LOTR. When all the WORLD OF WARCRAFT players have to embarrasingly say that it's more about the immersive experience than the actual story, they will look even bigger cunts than they were before. And let's be honest, admitting you are a huge fan of the game WORLD OF WARCRAFT is like saying you enjoy Mel Gibson's dad's views on World War Two.
   
6. "The film itself will revolve around a 'badass' new hero," quoth the press release. First of all, you don't tell us your hero is badass, he proves his badassery by being a badass in the film and then we let you know if he's a badass or not. Secondly, it's fucking "bad-ass" you sub-ameoboid cunt. The greatest bad-asses of cinema history proved themselves by just generally being fucking mental and by being in ace films. This film will be shit so you've got that against you already. Also, the kind of nerds who like WORLD OF WARCRAFT think all you need to be a bad-ass is designer stubble and a large weapon. Well, I've got both of those (fnar!) and I'm the least bad-ass person in England, probably. Having scars does not make you bad-ass, I've got plenty of scars from Unidentified Drinking Injuries. Having a cool made-up name doesn't make you cool, I've... Uh, never mind. Bad-ass in the mind of nerd is some highly unoriginal stereotype. Bruce Willis in DIE HARD is bad-ass, but then so is Arnie in PREDATOR and they're pretty different in terms of personality/looks/whatever.
   
7. It was announced at BlizzCon 2007, which is quite possibly the cuntiest place on the planet outside of my bedroom. I'll be honest with you, in my past, I have been to a comic convention. It was only a UK one and I didn't dress up and I didn't buy any collectables, I went to meet friends and it happens we are all into comics. I'm not proud of what I did and luckily I've managed to have sexual relations with women afterwards so the stench hasn't stuck. But going to a WORLD OF WARCRAFT convention is essentially like admitting you've given up on life.
   
8. I discovered this disturbing website during my research and it is the reason that everybody on the internet ever should go outside and breathe some fresh air. THERE IS ACTUAL PORN ON THE INTERNET, FUCK-SPANNERS! You can download actual tits of actual birds and they will actually move. And not jerk like a spastic through their motion-captured routines, you toss-bucket. I hope anybody who has ever watched this and pulled their pudding gets lesions on their bell-end and flies nesting in their pubes.
   
   
9. Video-game adaptations are universally shit. I know, cos I've fucking seen var nigh every one ever made. I have yet to see DEAD OR ALIVE, which is about the only video-game adaptation I could justify. And that's only in case there's a bit of Holly Vallance side boob action going on. And this is me after just chastising men for watching shitty WOW porn. Yes, I'll sit through two hours of Fucking Monkey-Jizz Stains just for the off-chance of a bit of side boob. Maybe I'm the one who needs to get out more?
   
10. Didn't we learn that making films based on nerds leads to shit like SNAKES ON A PLANE? Didn't we all realise that nerds no fucking nothing about making films and are basically nerds for that exact reason. They might watch a lot of films, but that doesn't necessarily make you an expert. No, what makes you an expert is having a movie blog where you say "cunt" a lot. Obviously. And I'm not going to go into detail about SNAKES ON A PLANE because that's a whole posts worth of material. That's a fucking WEEKS worth of posts. And yet, bizarrely, even though Sam Jackson's been in some terrible cuntbiscuits for films, he always gets off scott free. I mean, he was in the fucking PHANTOM MENACE for Jehovah's sake! Nobody should have been allowed to do anything after that.

Anyway, I promise to eat my own shit live on YouTube if this film actually comes out at all in a cinematic release. I actually promise to eat Crabman's shit live on YouTube if it turns out to be anything other than formulaic dross of the worst kind. They'd be better off spending that $100m on buying ThighMasters for all the cunts currently playing WORLD OF WARCRAFT if you ask me...

GRINDHOUSE: Crabman's Review

Last month I posted an article about how pissed off I was that Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez’s GRINDHOUSE was not going to be shown in it’s original back-to-back format when released in Europe, instead the studio opting for individual extended cuts of PLANT TERROR and DEATH PROOF released separately on different dates. This decision by the Weinsteins was largely due to the fact that the American audience didn’t “get” the double feature format with many people leaving after the first film. That pissed me off. “How stupid can Americans be? Stop ruining it for everyone else.” I thought. I have since realised that people probably left the cinema after the first feature because it was FUCKING SHIT and they weren’t prepared to waste another 90 minutes our their lives watching Tarantino have a very public wank at the expense of his fans.



I had the opportunity to watch the original back-to-back version today via a perfectly legitimate source on the interweb and I have to say that it is one on the most self indulgent, boring, moronic piles of wank I have had the misfortune to sit through in a long time. This is bizarre. I should like GRINDHOUSE. Zombies, gore, women with M16s for legs, tits, swearing, Kurt Russell. The lot. But I’m sorry to say that I was bored shitless after about 45 minutes, fucking furious after 100 minutes and in a coma after 185 minutes. Why?

Planet Terror

This is the better of the two features but It’s still garbage and Robert Rodriguez needs to seriously grow the fuck up. I love zombie films, in particular George Romero zombie films, but Rodriguez just fills the screen with as much over the top gore as he can without giving the narrative, if there is one, an ounce of substance. Romero always had an underlying intelligent subtext to his zombie films and that’s probably why they have become such classics. I have a feeling that no-one will remember PLANET TERROR in about a year and that’s a good thing. I am aware that it was probably just supposed to be a bit of fun but it doesn't even manage to be that. It’s like it was directed by a spotty, nerdy film student who has never had sex. Or friends. It’s THAT BAD. Rodriguez better make sure that SIN CITY 2 is fucking amazing otherwise he will lose all credibility as far as I’m concerned.

It did have Michael Biehn in it though. He's fucking ace. Go Hicks!

The Fake Trailers

I’d seen the Eli Roth fake trailer for THANKSGIVING a while back and quite liked it but after seeing all of them within the main feature all it felt like was a bunch a bum-chum, back-slapping morons giving each other reach-arounds. It made me quite angry actually. “Hey, look! We're all really good mates and we can do whatever the fuck we like no matter how self-serving it is. Fuck the audience. We rock!” Utter cunts. Rob Zombie in particular. Also, Edgar Wright has gone way down in my estimation by being involved in this bucket of shit but more importantly because he hangs around with Quention Tarantino these days which leads me to.......

Death Proof

BOOOOORING! Seriously fucking boring. I mean, I'd-rather-watch-Spider-Man 3-again boring. Tarantino has gone so far up his own areshole that he thinks the audience are quite willing to watch an opening ten minutes involving a group of cheerleader types just talking. About nothing. I’m sick of his “dialogue style” now. It was fresh and exciting back when RESEVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION were released but it’s now so tired, cliched and just plain fucking irritating that I struggled watching DEATH PROOF. Tarantino even references his own fucking films now. At one point the character he plays knocks back a shot of whisky and says, with a big shit-eating grin on his face “Now that's a tasty beverage!”. Ha ha ha. How incredibly clever. Twat! Tarantino’s ego has taking ahold of his soul and turned him into a complete fucking cunt. I genuinely hate him now and I’ll find it very difficult to watch his earlier films again without wanting to join Al Qaeda. Even Kurt Russell, who I love, can’t save it from being a total fucking drag. I dread to think what the extended cuts are like when they get released here. My advice is DON’T FUCKING BOTHER. Do not pander to this stupid cunts ego anymore. Please.

By the way, Tarantino should NEVER act again. EVER! He's fucking embarrasing to watch. Narcissistic prick.

The Film Degradation, Sound Dropouts and Missing Reels

I understand that GRINDHOUSE is a big homage to the double bills of the late seventies and poor sound, missing reels and scratched prints were a mainstay back then but when used in GRINDHOUSE you can almost hear Tarantino giggling to himself while thinking how fucking great he and Rodriguez are and how clever and "ironic" it is to make a modern film nigh on unwatchable. The sound drop outs and scratched print novelty became dull after five fucking minutes. And I’m sorry, but missing a reel out ON PURPOSE is just plain idiotic. Absolute shite. Anyone who buys this on HD DVD or Blu-Ray when it comes out is a fucking imbecile.



So, if you are reading this Quentin or Robert, please grow up, stop indulging yourselves in geeky wankfests and get back to making films that matter. I’m glad GRINDHOUSE bombed in the US and I hope it fucking bombs everywhere else. Cunts!

Cinema Employees: An Expose

I know what you think, minimum wages, sweeping up popcorn, watching ARE WE DONE YET? eighteen times, serving unhappy bastards like me and Crabman all day - Working in a cinema must be a pretty crap job. Yeah, it's not spending all day watching films, it's lugging popcorn around and smiling at the fourteenth person to ask for tickets to see "That Lord of the Rings film, The Twin Towers?" and not being sick at the smell of cheese sauce. It's a crappy job. Or so I thought, but I've been doing some deep-cover work into the Real Life of a cinema employee. I spoke to a contact on the inside, let's just call him "Ian", and he enlightened me. That he's a cunt.



You see, when you're sitting in a packed, sweaty theatre that stinks of vomit, with some kid kicking the back of your chair and a group of teens having a chat and you can't hear a fucking thing... Your loyal staff member is probably having a wank in the staff toilets or sneaking off for the eighteenth sly fag of that hour. This "Ian" informed me that actually working in a cinema is a piece of piss and probably the easiest job in the world. I got the impression from my brief meeting with this character that he was sub-literate and this was the only job he could reasonably get. He shockingly informed me of spending several hours asleep in the disabled toilet, all the while, disabled people were probably shitting themselves in the aisles up and down the cinema. I will not inform you which cinema this "Ian" works for, but it's the Empire in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Fucksticks.



He was later joined by a fellow comrade, who we will call "Ross". This convict-looking motherfucker also told me that they are usually pissed at the wheel. They also conduct huge scams, steal merchandise and call customers "Cock-fuckers" to their faces. You don't even want to know what they dip in the popcorn, but it's their cocks. Fuckropes. I was utterly disgusted at this point, but had to restrain myself as I like going to the cinema and trying to optically rape one of the staff would get me barred FOR LIFE. These two reprobates also informed me that it's basically one big orgy and the staff are fucking each other over the projector at least twice a day. And that the tickets are printed on the withered leathery scalps of dead babies.

So basically, next time you're in the cinema and one of the surly, acne-ridden cunts asks you for seven-fucking-pounds or however much it is now, they are secretly laughing at you. They have the easiest job in the world and spend all their time getting pissed on cheap vodka and smoking tabs. They do no work and watch films all day. Because they're all cunts.

Why Is Robin Williams Such A Massive Cunt?

It’s the eternal question isn’t it? A riddle that only the truly righteous have sought to answer but I think I've cracked the fucker. He hasn’t always been such a cunt though and just to prove that, here is a very short list of things that Robin Williams has done right throughout his career.

• His early stand up was the fucking nuts.
  
• Mork and Mindy
  
• He hates Gary Barlow
  
• Insomnia
  
• Good Morning Vietnam
  
• Death To Smoochie
  
• That duet he did with Kylie Minogue was alright I suppose
  
• The Bird Cage
  
• One Hour Photo
  
• The Fisher King

Now that I've got all the pointless fucking pleasantries out of the way let’s get down to the real nitty gritty and find out, together, why Robin Williams is such a massive cunt.

1. Dead Poets Society

Fuck me. What a gigantic pile of steaming cat shit that film is. I mean, who the fuck wants to watch a film about a classroom full of shit-stabbers that get into poetry on the say-so of a boring, snobby, unrealistic and quite frankly cunty teacher played by Williams. It’s one of the dullest films I have ever seen. Apparently, the kids sneak off during the night and sit in a cave and read poetry to each other by candlelight. Not gay then. Fucking stupid. When I was that age at school we used to sneak out at night yes, but to watch hardcore porn, drink Budweiser and wank ourselves silly. Manly. So please, fuck off with that bollocks. One of the main characters hangs himself towards the end of the film obviously due to the fact that he just found out that he had at least another 25 classes with that twat of a teacher.



“Oh captain, my Captain”

FUCK OFF!

2. Mrs Doubtfire

I know loads of people that like this film but I also hate those people with a passion normally only reserved for paedophiles and students. As you all know, Williams splits up from his wife and loses custody of his kids (who need a good fucking kicking if you ask me) and decides that only way he can see said kids on a regular basis is to drag up as a shit-scary, fat Scottish old granny and baby sit the little shits. Yeah, that’s exactly what I would have done too. Fuck going through my solicitor and negotiating while talking to my ex-wife about the best interest of the children. I wouldn’t even dress up as Batman or Spider-Man to get my point across. No, I would act like a borderline psychopath and scare ten bells of shit out of the very kids I want to be near to. Also, it’s really handy that I have a fudge-packer for a brother that just so happens to be able to create Mission:Impossible grade face prosthetics. There’s no way in hell that the judge would section me for evaluation and deem me totally unfit to be around children let alone my own children. Way to go mate. Fucking weirdo.



3. He was in Take That

Robin’s cuntery reached truly apocalyptic levels when he joined this shit boy band during the early nineties. What was he fucking thinking? I know he had just been in Mrs Doubtfire but was it really necessary to sing lead vocals on Could it be magic? Take That was another boat that left me on the fucking island. A complete bunch of wankers if ever I saw one but Williams was the true cunt of the group. Always trying to the funny, cheeky one and always cracking “jokes”, he made me want to stick hot needles in my bell-end whenever his stupid fucking face came on my TV. Why did he ever think he could sing in a boy band as well as acting in saccharine drenched cunt-fests? Cunt. At least Robin left the band, went solo and has since become a bit of a joke since releasing his last couple of albums. Take That have reformed without him and are now HUGE again. Ha ha ha ha! Take That indeed Robin you MASSIVE, MASSIVE COCK-END!



4. Hook

One of Spielbergs few follies and a film that should be locked in a hermetically sealed vault and shot into the nether regions of the galaxy never to return. It’s eye-gougeingly awful if only for Williams’ take on a classic children's character. Were we really to believe that this middle-aged, hairy, fat arsehole was Peter Pan? If so, I apologise for not getting it. But in reality, who did get it? Cunts probably. It took me fucking ages to be able to trust Spielberg again but Williams’ cuntery just kept going and going. Where will it end? Who will stop him?

5. Jakob The Liar

Jesus H Christ. This one takes the fucking biscuit. Robin just can’t seem to stop making films about hope, courage and Scottish grannies can he? This particular abomination features Williams as a Jewish shop keeper who tells all the other cunts in the ghetto that he has a secret radio that gives him information about Russia’s movements during World War 2 thus giving HOPE to the Jews and inspiring them with COURAGE. Actually, all he does is lie his fucking arse off and give the Jews FALSE HOPE and INCONSEQUENTIAL COURAGE. What a total fucking areshole. We all know people that are bullshitters but telling your doomed Jewish mates that Auschwitz is actually a swanky new nightclub is a bit much really.

6. Rudebox

The musical equivalent of tertiary syphilis.

7. Patch Fucking Adams

The worst of the worst. The lowest ebb in Robin Williams’ career. A film so stupefyingly, sickeningly shit that it should come with a government health warning for people who have an aversion to the following:

• People who think they can change the world by putting on a red nose.
  
• Terminally ill children who find red noses funny.
  
• Anyone who finds red noses funny.
  
• Anyone who believes that laughter will make their AIDS disappear.
  
• Doctors that still manage to have a sense of humour despite the fact that they have just worked a 63 hour shift while pronouncing 117 children dead.
  
• Films that offer HOPE and COURAGE.
  
• Films about overcoming adversity.
  
• Films with Robin Williams in them.
  
• Puking their guts up every 20 seconds.

Anyone who finds this film touching, funny, inspiring or uplifting is a total fuck-spanner who deserves to be locked in the same hermetically sealed vault as HOOK and shot into the sun. Wankers!.

8. What Dreams May Come

You seen this? No? Lucky fucking you. I feel no need to mention too much about this film as I believe that ImDB's plot summary will tell you eveything you need to know.

Chris Neilson dies to find himself in a heaven more amazing than he could have ever dreamed of. There is one thing missing: his wife. After he dies, his wife, Annie killed herself and went to hell. Chris decides to risk eternity in hades for the small chance that he will be able to bring her back to heaven

If that plot summary wasn't enough to give you the bubblies, what if I mention that Cuba Gooding Jnr plays an angel in it. Stay. Well. Away.

9. Bicentennial Man

This is a very silly film indeed. Williams plays a robot that was bought by a family to do menial tasks around the house but, after a while, the robot starts to have emotions and wants to become human. Fucking shit. The robot even looks like Williams which, if I'm honest, is more than a little creepy. And anyway, who the fuck would want a robotic Robin Williams moping round the house moaning all day about how shit it is to be a robot. Obviously, he hasn't seen TRANSFORMERS. If I bought Robo-Williams and it started acting a cunt, I would take it straight up to Cash Converters, sell the bastard, then buy something that might actually be of some use.



So, there you have it. Conclusive proof that Robin Williams is a massive cunt. Agree? Disagree? I couldn't give a shit. But, next time you laugh at PATCH ADAMS, listen to RUDEBOX or watch FLUBBER, please do us all a favour and take a massive overdose and slip quietly into a DEATH COMA.

Happy Birthday Matt Le Blanc!

That was for LOST IN SPACE. And CHARLIE'S ANGELS 1 and 2. And..er....THE RED SHOE DIARIES.

Has-been motherfucker!

Diet Hard XP

First of all, Len Wiseman is a cunt of the highest order. Seriously. I mean, I don't care if he donates to charity, loves his mother, once rescued a terminally ill orphan from a burning hospice... he is a cunt. A cunt's cunt. Because - just make a bad action film and you're a bit of a twat. It's not hard. But make a bad sequel to the greatest action film ever made makes you the kind of galactic cunt that would swallow planetary twats and solar pricks like Galactus - King of Cunts. And in case you were wondering what I'm talking about, this is a review of DIE HARD 4.0.

Or, if you live in America, LIVE FREE, DRIVE A LEXUS, CAP TOWELHEADS, FIGHT TERROR, EAT MACDONALDS AND JUST DIE HARD ALREADY. Thankfully, they realised that audiences outside America might not support their jingoism so much, so changed it to the far less shit DIE HARD 4.0. When I say less shit, I mean it in the same way that catching AIDS is slightly less shit than catching the bubonic plague. Anyway, I'm not even going to do the classic 2AM Ten Things I Hate About You This Film, because I'd be onto my 14th point by the time I realised what I was doing. Cunts. So here's some points I feel need to be raised in no particular order.

• Bruce Willis is old. He has aged since the last DIE HARD. This happens. It is known as "the aging process". It's happening to Crabman at an astronomical rate. I am actually de-aging. Bruce Willis is too old to be jumping off planes and making us believe he wouldn't put his hip out. I am TERRIFIED about what Harrison Ford is going to look like in the new Indiana Jones film. TERRIFIED.
  
  
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, did you see UNDERWORLD?
  
  
• Why actually film something when CG can do the work for you? I'm not even kidding, there was a shot with Bruce and Justin Long driving down a country road and they'd blatantly shot it against green screen and dropped in the country afterwards. I fail to see how it's easier to green screen in a background than actually, you know, taking a fucking car out to the country and filming it. This happened throughout the film. Several times you catch a whiff of CG background when they're driving and it's because there's a big stunt coming up/something crashes into them. So then every time I spotted some crap green screen action I was waiting for something to crash into them and it never happened. Halfway through the film I was waiting for something to crash into me.
  
  
• Kevin Smith shouldn't ever act. Ever. Seriously extending your ouevre of acting ability. A fat nerd. Go Team Smith! Maybe you could have tried to extend your range and played "A fat something else"? Maybe you could fuck off out of my DIE HARD film forever. Comedy shtick in a DIE HARD film? They always had a wry dark sense of humour, what they didn't have was a cunt with a collection of STAR WARS dreck. Also, I don't believe John McFuckingClane has ever bothered his arse enough to watch STAR WARS. Not when there are still air-ducts he has yet to climb through.
  
  
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, did you see UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION?
  
  
• Computer hacking should never ever be in an action film. I mean, when was this popular? The heyday for computer hacker films must have been mid-90s. And you know what, IT'S NOT FUN TO WATCH. Seriously, I went to uni to learn programming and had to quit after two years because I could feel my soul seep away with every line of C++ I typed. Also, 90% of programmers are cunts. Ha ha ha, I've probably just offended 90% of our readership! But seriously, there is no way to make Typing On A Computer interesting. Not even getting a nosh off Halle Berry whilst you're hacking the matrix makes it cool.
  
  
• Terrible ADR and editing. Sometimes I let films off as it could be that the Utter Numpty who the cinema have employed to monkey handle the reel together may have just sellotaped it up wrong. But not in this film. It was a proper hodge-podge. And the ADR was blindingly obviously wrong, to the point I thought something was wrong with the reel. I mean, sound production isn't my area of expertise, so I'm sure those more knowledgeable would notice a gazillion times more... But it wasn't even subtle.
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, he fucked Kate Beckinsale. Probably while wearing the tight leather.
  
  
• The climactic finale to the film was stupid beyond belief. Am I to believe that the US government would allow a fully-equipped fighter jet to open fire on a row of traffic? They'd think that was a viable choice? And whether it's real or not, the terrible CG on that F35 made it look like a space-ship from some early nineties vertical scrolling shoot-em-up. It must be pretty shit, like, because it manages to miss a FUCKING HUGE SEMI RIG four times with rockets from close range. Semi's not being famous for their maneouverability. This isn't even getting on to the domino effect on the falling road (Which, again, would cause massive collateral damage), the only part of the truck that is destroyed is the roof when the massive gun is unleashed or just, well, the entire sequence. Also, the climax to an action film should be Hero Versus Villain, not Hero Versus Man In Plane.
  
  
• John McClane apparently is the master of transport. In this film, John is seen driving literally fourteen different cars and they all get smashed. He drives a huge semi rig. He fucking flies a helicopter. Midway through helicopter sequence, the writers remember that John hates flying and throw in a couple of lines to cover. No, maybe you could just NOT HAVE HIM FLYING A FUCKING HELICOPTER. Seriously!
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a... Oh, you know.
  
  
• It actually started off all right. The first ten minutes or so are not bad. Very good low-key action scene with shooting and improvisation and John being convincingly hard. It all starts going to pot around the time the Le Parkour is introduced. I hate Le Parkour. It is this year's bullet-time.
  
  
• Everybody else seems to love it. Some cunt actually applauded at the end of the showing Crabman and I attended. This is England! We don't applaud! All the charva cunts streamed out going on about it "being totally belta" and "proper sweet". I knew I should have rigged the exit to the screen with land-mines...

I could literally go on and on and post several billion petty bits I hated, like the fact John manages to travel half the country in a very short time or that he decides to kill someone with a truck despite all logic suggesting he shouldn't or that the CG was terrible throughout or that he should have been dead a hundred times over or that they still managed to bleep out "Motherfucker" or that the bad guy was rubbish or... Longest run-on sentence EVER! Suffice to say, I am losing all faith in cinema and if I don't see a good action film soon I may just give up and get into Merchant Ivory.

I'm even so angry I can't be arsed to photoshop a cock onto a picture of Justin Long. Seriously angry. I'm sure Crabman had one lined up before the film which he can post as he knew it would be rubbish. Don't worry, I'll have my revenge when he forces me to see TRANSFORMERS and I explain why it's shit in lengthy detail.

Is Armageddon Imminent?

Yesterday, DasGeordie and myself went to see Die Hard 4.0 (to be reviewed shortly) and after we’d sat through the usual ten minutes of TV ads that, quite frankly, I hate watching at home for free let alone paying to fucking see them, the trailers started. I usually look forward to the trailers but after yesterday I think I will just stay in the toilet and take a dump until the film starts in future. Why? Because I had to watch the trailer for Rush Hour 3.

Now, I’m not sure who asked for a third instalment of this nauseating franchise but whoever it was needs to be lined up and shot. With rusty bullets. I watched the first one on TV years ago because there was genuinely fuck all else on and I HATED IT. With a passion. The reason for much of the hatred is attributed to Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker is a cunt of almost unimaginable calibre. I can’t fucking stand him. We should be thankful that he makes very few films. In fact, his last two films were Rush Hour 1 and 2. That gives you a pretty good indication of the cunt’s acting range. Prick. He ruined The Fifth Element with his squeaky, gurning, over-the -top performance and Luc Besson should be fucking ashamed of himself for casting the twat. The only film I want to see Tucker in is Hostel Part 3 where Eli Roth decides to forego a storyline in favour of just torturing the irritating fuck for 90 minutes. For real.



Obviously, Chris Tucker is the main reason for hating Rush Hour but I found more reasons as the trailer went on. After about 25 seconds, someone came on screen that I instantly recognised. “Nah, it can’t be” I thought “It fucking well is” I realised. Yep, a certain Roman Polanski has a role in Rush Hour 3 as a snooty French detective. What the fuck is going on? Roman Polanski? The man who directed Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby is now acting in sub-retard-level dreck like Rush Hour 3. My rage level at this point during the trailer was at DEFCON 3.



About 50 seconds in, Max Von Sydow appears on screen. For fucks sake! Max, what are you doing? There must be better roles that you can take. I mean, you’re Father Merrin. You played chess with death in The Seventh Seal. Where’s your dignity? Oh, fuck ya then. DEFCON 2.



The rest of the trailer consisted of the usual Jackie Chan stuntwork/chop socky wank that we all got bored of about ten fucking years ago and Chris Tucker, as per usual, thinking he’s the new Michael Jackson whilst simultaneously piling on the “ladies man” bullshit. OXYMORON ALERT! Whenever something “funny” happened during the trailer, the rest of the cinema laughed like a bunch of lobotomised drones while DasGeordie and myself just sat there with steam coming out of ears and blood seeping from our eyes.

This lasted nearly two minutes, of which, I will never get back but I did have to laugh to myself at the end of the trailer. Voice-over man proudly proclaimed "DIRECTED BY BRETT RATNER!". I would keep that part quiet if I were you mate. Brett Rent-A-Hack Ratner? Please. He’s a fucking awful director who managed to fuck up the X-Men franchise plus other films on his CV include Rush Hour 1 and 2. What a cunt.



Anyone who actually pays to go and see Rush Hour 3 this Summer please bear these points in mind:

• You are helping Satan in his quest for Armageddon
  
  
• You have no life/girlfriend/boyfriend
  
  
• You are a cunt
  
  
• Get off this site
  
  
• Please kill yourself

DEFCON 1