Why I, And Every Right-Thinking Human, Should Hate Shia LaBoeuf
This is the cover to the August issue of Vanity Fair.
I do not read Vanity Fair because I am not (a) A gay (b) A woman (c) American. Conversely, if I was a gay American woman, I wouldn't read Vanity Fair either. It's like one of those mental puzzles that mess with your head, like Schrodinger's Hamster or "Does the light stay on in the fridge when I close the door?" To explain exactly how cunty that picture is, the space-suit he is wearing was designed by Dolce & Gabbana. Yes, he is that cunty.
What's even more irritating is I didn't realise he was in some things which I liked. This happens all the time with actors who turn out to be famous afterwards. Like I was watching an episode of BAND OF BROTHERS last week and James McAvoy turned up. The jury is still out on whether James McAvoy is a cunt or not. It will probably all end up depending on how WANTED turns out. The graphic novel the film is based on ends with the lead character saying to you, the reading audience, "This is my face while I'm fucking you in the ass!" Which is quite possibly the greatest, stupidest last line ever.
It turns out Shia LaBoeuf - as well as having a twattingly difficult name to spell so will henceforth be known as Chia McBeef - was in an episode of sadly missed TV show FREAKS & GEEKS. You may also remember that the strangely alluring beauty that is Linda Cardellini (Excellent in SCOOBY DOO, which I saw at the cinema... Because I'm a cunt, apparently) appeared in the show alongside the do-I-love-him-or-loathe-him James Franco. Luckily it turns out Shia was only in one episode. SAFE!
But the utterly unforgiveable role I will utterly never forgive him is his voice acting role in NAUSICAA OF THE VALLEY OF THE WIND. I have a bordering-on-unhealthy love of Studio Ghibli films. I bought THE CAT RETURNS and I'm not even gay. Actually, I went to the fucking cinema to see THE CAT RETURNS. It features talking cats. And a cat kingdom. I think the cat bus was in another Ghibli film. Anyway, they hire top drawer talent to re-dub the English language versions of Ghibli films - PRINCESS MONONOKE had Billy Bob Thornton AND Gillian Anderson. Woo-hoo! But the fact they let this kid-brother-you'd-never-tire-of-beating-looking motherfucker do a voice in my precious Ghibli films is cuntery of the highest order.
Luckily, he was also in not only CHARLIE'S ANGELS 2, but also DUMB & DUMBER 2. In the same year. Boy, 2003 was a year you REALLY wanted to fire your agent after, McBeef. He followed this up in the next two years by appearing in I, ROBOT. A film I have yet to see because (a) I respect Isaac Asimov (b) I don't want my love for BAD BOYS 2 to be in any way destroyed (c) It looks shit. He then appeared in CONSTANTINE, which is a good supernatural horror film, but an appallingly bad JOHN CONSTANTINE film. To demonstrate how badly they ASS-RAPED one of my FAVOURITE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, the character that Chia McBeef plays in the film is actually a cheeky, dark-haired, middle-aged cockney in the comics. When I think cheeky, dark-haired, middle-aged cockneys, my instinctive first thought is always going to be Chia McBeef. Or suicide.
I have yet to see DISTURBIA or A GUIDE TO RECOGNISING YOUR SAINTS because I fear they may be quite good and I'll start letting Chia McBeef off. I will unfortunately have to see TRANSFORMERS as Crabman has been masturbating like a randy chimp over any news about it for at least six months. I actually could (slyly and probably risk getting fired) watch TRANSFORMERS right now through my workplace but I can't be arsed. That's how little I care. Yes, I work at ILM. If you work there, you will know me as the man who cleans pubes off the toilet seats in the executive lounge. I've heard several reviewers say that Chia McBeef is great in TRANSFORMERS. Yes, that's because he's acting against GIANT TRANSFORMING ROBOTS, YOU FUCKING CRETINS. And who the fuck goes to see TRANSFUCKINGFORMERS for the fucking acting? I mean, I don't critique the performance of the young lass getting spit-roasted in BALI LEGAL do I?
I'm also going to see how long I can leave this post up before Crabman inserts a photoshopped picture of McBeef with a giant cock on him. You really don't want to know where he gets all those pictures of cocks from...
CRABMAN EDIT: Pretty quick wouldn't you say? He looks like a fucking turkey now
I do not read Vanity Fair because I am not (a) A gay (b) A woman (c) American. Conversely, if I was a gay American woman, I wouldn't read Vanity Fair either. It's like one of those mental puzzles that mess with your head, like Schrodinger's Hamster or "Does the light stay on in the fridge when I close the door?" To explain exactly how cunty that picture is, the space-suit he is wearing was designed by Dolce & Gabbana. Yes, he is that cunty.
What's even more irritating is I didn't realise he was in some things which I liked. This happens all the time with actors who turn out to be famous afterwards. Like I was watching an episode of BAND OF BROTHERS last week and James McAvoy turned up. The jury is still out on whether James McAvoy is a cunt or not. It will probably all end up depending on how WANTED turns out. The graphic novel the film is based on ends with the lead character saying to you, the reading audience, "This is my face while I'm fucking you in the ass!" Which is quite possibly the greatest, stupidest last line ever.
It turns out Shia LaBoeuf - as well as having a twattingly difficult name to spell so will henceforth be known as Chia McBeef - was in an episode of sadly missed TV show FREAKS & GEEKS. You may also remember that the strangely alluring beauty that is Linda Cardellini (Excellent in SCOOBY DOO, which I saw at the cinema... Because I'm a cunt, apparently) appeared in the show alongside the do-I-love-him-or-loathe-him James Franco. Luckily it turns out Shia was only in one episode. SAFE!
But the utterly unforgiveable role I will utterly never forgive him is his voice acting role in NAUSICAA OF THE VALLEY OF THE WIND. I have a bordering-on-unhealthy love of Studio Ghibli films. I bought THE CAT RETURNS and I'm not even gay. Actually, I went to the fucking cinema to see THE CAT RETURNS. It features talking cats. And a cat kingdom. I think the cat bus was in another Ghibli film. Anyway, they hire top drawer talent to re-dub the English language versions of Ghibli films - PRINCESS MONONOKE had Billy Bob Thornton AND Gillian Anderson. Woo-hoo! But the fact they let this kid-brother-you'd-never-tire-of-beating-looking motherfucker do a voice in my precious Ghibli films is cuntery of the highest order.
Luckily, he was also in not only CHARLIE'S ANGELS 2, but also DUMB & DUMBER 2. In the same year. Boy, 2003 was a year you REALLY wanted to fire your agent after, McBeef. He followed this up in the next two years by appearing in I, ROBOT. A film I have yet to see because (a) I respect Isaac Asimov (b) I don't want my love for BAD BOYS 2 to be in any way destroyed (c) It looks shit. He then appeared in CONSTANTINE, which is a good supernatural horror film, but an appallingly bad JOHN CONSTANTINE film. To demonstrate how badly they ASS-RAPED one of my FAVOURITE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, the character that Chia McBeef plays in the film is actually a cheeky, dark-haired, middle-aged cockney in the comics. When I think cheeky, dark-haired, middle-aged cockneys, my instinctive first thought is always going to be Chia McBeef. Or suicide.
I have yet to see DISTURBIA or A GUIDE TO RECOGNISING YOUR SAINTS because I fear they may be quite good and I'll start letting Chia McBeef off. I will unfortunately have to see TRANSFORMERS as Crabman has been masturbating like a randy chimp over any news about it for at least six months. I actually could (slyly and probably risk getting fired) watch TRANSFORMERS right now through my workplace but I can't be arsed. That's how little I care. Yes, I work at ILM. If you work there, you will know me as the man who cleans pubes off the toilet seats in the executive lounge. I've heard several reviewers say that Chia McBeef is great in TRANSFORMERS. Yes, that's because he's acting against GIANT TRANSFORMING ROBOTS, YOU FUCKING CRETINS. And who the fuck goes to see TRANSFUCKINGFORMERS for the fucking acting? I mean, I don't critique the performance of the young lass getting spit-roasted in BALI LEGAL do I?
I'm also going to see how long I can leave this post up before Crabman inserts a photoshopped picture of McBeef with a giant cock on him. You really don't want to know where he gets all those pictures of cocks from...
CRABMAN EDIT: Pretty quick wouldn't you say? He looks like a fucking turkey now
Labels: Chia McBeef, Hatred, Transformers
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