Fucking Transformers

Sooooo Crabman had been pissing his pants in excitement for months about TRANSFORMERS and even managed to get a dodgy rip highly legal preview copy of the film to watch on his astounding home-cinema system (Which is a story for another post). He declared it the best film of the Summer, a rip-roaring adventure and some of the best special effects he'd ever seen. He is a twatflap. It is none of these. It may well be better than DIE HARD 4.0 and SPIDER-MAN 3 and PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3, but I have just watched an episode of EMMERDALE which was better than all three combined. I have just watched an episode of DICKINSON'S REAL DEALS which had more convincing special effects than DIE HARD 4.0. Saying that TRANSFORMERS is the best Summer blockbuster of 2007 is like saying having rusty red-hot needles inserted into my jap's eye is my favourite form of torture.

Rather than doing the usual Top Ten Of Hatred, I thought I'd do something a bit more useful. You're always reading reviews where they discuss technical aspects and narrative devices and photography and the actors performance and BLAH, BLAH, WHO FUCKING CARES. I want to do an actual USEFUL review that will help you decide if you want to see this film. I mean, let's be honest, nobody really gives a flying fuck what a review of TRANSFUCKINGFORMERS says, right? It's critic-proof. It'd be like asking for a review on the bag of Monster Munch you just ate. "Good start, but petered out towards the end with lack of development around the middle." No, you just eat it and ignore the rest. So I will highlight for you the two personality types (Or "disorders", more accurately) who you will most closely match and whether this means you will like TRANSFORMERS or not.

TYPE A PERSONALITY The classic Type A Personality will look for a fluid movement of characters through a narrative and won't settle for a hodge-podge of piss-poor mannequins. They will not be simply swayed by putting A Funny Black Man in it or having A Chisel-Jawed Soldier. That is weak-ass sauce. Type A's also enjoy their films to be directed in a thoughtful and innovative pace, not by an OCD spacker with a budget and a hard-on. Type A's are usually peace-loving individuals who don't like seeing helicopters Every Four Fucking Seconds. They are the kind of people who will not let a film off because "Oh, it's for kids" because Type A's absolutely love classic kids films. ET is a kids film, BACK TO THE FUTURE is a kids film... None of them have problems, they are flawless films. Type A Personality's are also good-looking, intelligent, charming, have lots of sex with attractive women and aren't cunts.

TYPE B PERSONALITY The classic Type B Personality will exhibit signs of ADHD such as being unable to stare at anything for more than HALF A FUCKING SECOND without spinning around. Type B's have an unnatural love for flares. In fact, you'd probably find yourself sat at the bar having a quiet drink with a Type B and they might just spontaneously burst out a couple of flares and roll them under a nearby table. Type B personalities also like to talk in looooong, lingering and hysterically bad purple prose about the "greatness of humanity" and how there is "more than meets the eye" with them. This has been proven to cause 90% of most pub fights. These individuals are also stuck in the past and unable to see it for the shit it actually was. Type B personality's usually live with their mother even though they're over 40, smell of piss and BO, masturbate furiously over their G1 figures and are usually cunts.

There is a chart for mapping your personality, but basically, I can't be arsed to find it/photoshop it in a piss-poor fashion. Basically, if you think you're a Type A Personality, you will find that TRANSFORMERS is a bag of turd. If you are Type B, you should enjoy TRANSFORMERS and then kill yourself slowly.

Mystic Reviews: Transformers

Gaze into my crystal ball!

It is the 27th of July in our Lord's year of 2007. Verily, the film known as TRANSFORMERS has been released in the movingpicture-a-toriums across this fair nation of England. Verily it took them a fucking couple of weeks to get it released over here, ye olde cunts. Myself and my good squire, Sir Crabman, have gone in with much baited breath and excitable demeanours to see this new film. All our hopes now rest with this film... The one true hope for the Summer season. But what will it be like? I shall use my mystic powers to tell you, kind folks! Why wait for the review when I can write it before I see it! So now, I pass you over to the DasGeordie of 15 days into the future! Woooh! Spooky!

DASGEORDIE OF TWO WEEKS IN THE FUTURE:-
Jesus fucking wept, was that a hideous bag of turd. I can't believe Crabman made me go and watch that utter, utter fucking shit! I mean, giant robots fighting and they messed it up! I don't give a shit about some whiny kid getting his first car and there's no way a woman that hot would fall for Chia McBeef and his potato-shaped head! And the robots look shit, they're far too bitty and over-complicated. And the comedy relief was appalling. And Jesus, Mary and Joseph, but Michael Bay needs to stop doing the fucking dolly shots circling round characters! And the slow-mo! I went to see a TRANSFORMERS film - and I don't even like them - and I end up with fucking Bernie Mac and some kid's parents! Cunts! I hate you all for making me think this would be good! I hate you all! Shit, well, at least it won't really matter that much seeing as they've just sounded the three minute alarm and Russia's about to start a nuclear war of Mutually Assured Destruction. Who saw that coming, eh?

Wooh! Spooky, huh? I know there are some non-believers out there who think I may well be just making this up, but we shall see, fellow travellers! We shall see! If my review rings true, verily stupid shall you all feel in doubting my powers! For there could be no other explanation for this supernatural shenanigans! Wooh! Spooky!

Why I, And Every Right-Thinking Human, Should Hate Shia LaBoeuf

This is the cover to the August issue of Vanity Fair.


I do not read Vanity Fair because I am not (a) A gay (b) A woman (c) American. Conversely, if I was a gay American woman, I wouldn't read Vanity Fair either. It's like one of those mental puzzles that mess with your head, like Schrodinger's Hamster or "Does the light stay on in the fridge when I close the door?" To explain exactly how cunty that picture is, the space-suit he is wearing was designed by Dolce & Gabbana. Yes, he is that cunty.

What's even more irritating is I didn't realise he was in some things which I liked. This happens all the time with actors who turn out to be famous afterwards. Like I was watching an episode of BAND OF BROTHERS last week and James McAvoy turned up. The jury is still out on whether James McAvoy is a cunt or not. It will probably all end up depending on how WANTED turns out. The graphic novel the film is based on ends with the lead character saying to you, the reading audience, "This is my face while I'm fucking you in the ass!" Which is quite possibly the greatest, stupidest last line ever.

It turns out Shia LaBoeuf - as well as having a twattingly difficult name to spell so will henceforth be known as Chia McBeef - was in an episode of sadly missed TV show FREAKS & GEEKS. You may also remember that the strangely alluring beauty that is Linda Cardellini (Excellent in SCOOBY DOO, which I saw at the cinema... Because I'm a cunt, apparently) appeared in the show alongside the do-I-love-him-or-loathe-him James Franco. Luckily it turns out Shia was only in one episode. SAFE!

But the utterly unforgiveable role I will utterly never forgive him is his voice acting role in NAUSICAA OF THE VALLEY OF THE WIND. I have a bordering-on-unhealthy love of Studio Ghibli films. I bought THE CAT RETURNS and I'm not even gay. Actually, I went to the fucking cinema to see THE CAT RETURNS. It features talking cats. And a cat kingdom. I think the cat bus was in another Ghibli film. Anyway, they hire top drawer talent to re-dub the English language versions of Ghibli films - PRINCESS MONONOKE had Billy Bob Thornton AND Gillian Anderson. Woo-hoo! But the fact they let this kid-brother-you'd-never-tire-of-beating-looking motherfucker do a voice in my precious Ghibli films is cuntery of the highest order.

Luckily, he was also in not only CHARLIE'S ANGELS 2, but also DUMB & DUMBER 2. In the same year. Boy, 2003 was a year you REALLY wanted to fire your agent after, McBeef. He followed this up in the next two years by appearing in I, ROBOT. A film I have yet to see because (a) I respect Isaac Asimov (b) I don't want my love for BAD BOYS 2 to be in any way destroyed (c) It looks shit. He then appeared in CONSTANTINE, which is a good supernatural horror film, but an appallingly bad JOHN CONSTANTINE film. To demonstrate how badly they ASS-RAPED one of my FAVOURITE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, the character that Chia McBeef plays in the film is actually a cheeky, dark-haired, middle-aged cockney in the comics. When I think cheeky, dark-haired, middle-aged cockneys, my instinctive first thought is always going to be Chia McBeef. Or suicide.

I have yet to see DISTURBIA or A GUIDE TO RECOGNISING YOUR SAINTS because I fear they may be quite good and I'll start letting Chia McBeef off. I will unfortunately have to see TRANSFORMERS as Crabman has been masturbating like a randy chimp over any news about it for at least six months. I actually could (slyly and probably risk getting fired) watch TRANSFORMERS right now through my workplace but I can't be arsed. That's how little I care. Yes, I work at ILM. If you work there, you will know me as the man who cleans pubes off the toilet seats in the executive lounge. I've heard several reviewers say that Chia McBeef is great in TRANSFORMERS. Yes, that's because he's acting against GIANT TRANSFORMING ROBOTS, YOU FUCKING CRETINS. And who the fuck goes to see TRANSFUCKINGFORMERS for the fucking acting? I mean, I don't critique the performance of the young lass getting spit-roasted in BALI LEGAL do I?

I'm also going to see how long I can leave this post up before Crabman inserts a photoshopped picture of McBeef with a giant cock on him. You really don't want to know where he gets all those pictures of cocks from...



CRABMAN EDIT: Pretty quick wouldn't you say? He looks like a fucking turkey now

Why TRANSFORMERS Is Going To Be Rubbish

• It's based on a kid's toy line.
  
• It's based on a kid's toy line.
  
• It's based on a kid's toy line.
  
• It's based on a kid's toy line.
  
• It's based on a kid's toy line.
  
• It's based on a kid's toy line.
  
• It's based on a kid's toy line.
  
• It's based on a kid's toy line.
  
• It's based on a kid's toy line.
  
• It's based on a kid's toy line.
  
• And it's got Chia LaBoeuf in it.