Films I Am Not Looking Forward To In 2009
Well, the summer blockbuster season has closed with more of a whimper than a bang with THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM and quite frankly it has been one of the worst Summers yet being filled with pointless sequels and Chris Tucker. But, it's only gonna get worse if the announcements today are anything to go by. Below is a list of confirmed films currently in pre-production that will be ready for release Summer 2009. It's not looking good.
PAY YOUR MORTGAGE OR DIE HARD
John Maclane is against the odds once again as interest rates rise beyond manageable levels and his house becomes seriously at risk of being repossessed. One particularly memorable scene from the leaked script is a 30 minute conversation between Maclane and his police chief about the possibilty of either a raise or voluntary redundancy. The only action set piece centres around Maclane having a rather one sided argument with bailiffs waiting outside his front door. No swearing. Directed by David Schwimmer.
JAMES BOND VS FREDDY
A bit odd this one as Daniel Craig could be risking career suicide by having any part in this stupid cross-over that sees Freddy Krueger escape from Hell only, instead of carrying on with his usual, casual infanticide he decides to hold the world to ransom by hacking into telecommunication satellites and transmitting MEAN GIRLS on a loop to every single TV channel available. Society collapses and Bond has only 48 hours to stop Krueger or the worlds population will go insane. Such a bad idea that you would think that some cunt just spent 30 seconds thinking it up. Directed by Uwe Boll.
SPIDER-MAN 4
The one with 62 villains, 12 song and dance routines and Peter Parker not even bothering to put the spidey suit on. At all. Directed by Sam Raimi with some help from a clueless fat-fuck producer. Or Avi Arad as he likes to be called.
HARRY POTTER AND THE SHITTY HOTDOG
This is a JK Rowling endorsed spin-off that see Harry going to University on a quest to find the drunkest slut he can find to give a "shitty hotdog". According to the press release blurb, Harry has fucked off his ginger mate and decided that the only way he can get any minge is to go it alone in search for that elusive "shitty hotdog". I have to say that Rowling has surprised me by authorising this sequel. I've read the first draft and I can tell you for certain that it is going to be a hard 18 certificate. The dreary denoument is really rather upsetting. Dark Stuff. Directed by David Cronenberg.
BRIDGET JONES: THE CRACK WHORE YEARS
Another slightly disturbing sequel from a popular series of books that sees the titular slag lose her job, boyfriend and house and resorts to selling her flabby clunge to chinese businessmen to pay for her chronic smack addiction. Bridget's lovable persona goes out the fucking window in this sequel. It really is quite harrowing stuff. In a good way. 40 minutes in and already her sense of humour has been replaced by a homicidal dislike towards men and she ends up weighing around four stone due to fact that her diet no longer consists of Haagen Daaz and white wine but Chinese businessmen's jizz and poor quality heroin. I might be tempted to actually go and see this one. Directed by David Lynch.
SHREK FUCKS HIS KIDS
I thought this was a joke but apparently the big-wigs at Dreamworks have honestly decided to make a Shrek film that has a serious message about the ongoing problem of paedophilia and child abuse. Frankly, I think they have lost their fucking minds. If the title doesn't put you off taking the kids then let it be known that it's going to be directed by a certain Brett Ratner. FRANCHISE KILLER ALERT!!!
GUY RICHIES REMAKE OF 'THE EXORCIST'
Now, I'm just as angry about this as you are. THE EXORCIST is a flawless horror classic and one that shouldn't be remade at all let alone by a one-trick talentless faux-cockney cunt like Guy Richie. The press notes state that Michael Bay's production company, Platinum Dunes, is financing the project with an estimated $200,000,000 budget and the possessed child so memorably played by Linda Blair will now be played by Vinnie Jones. What the fuck? "Yer muvva sacks cocks in 'ell mush!" After Richie's awful REVOLVER he has been looking for projects outside of the "cockney gangster" genre but to be honest what he should be doing is staying away from a film set altogether, staying at home with his saggy-twatted wife and adopt ethnic children. It gets worse. The role of priest Damian Karras has now been given to Bob Hoskins and the mother is probably going to be played by Barbara Windsor. The film is reportedly going to be set in South London. Shooting starts in a couple of months. This is gonna suck harder than Lindsay Lohan giving James Dyson a blowjob. In a Black Hole.
PAY YOUR MORTGAGE OR DIE HARD
John Maclane is against the odds once again as interest rates rise beyond manageable levels and his house becomes seriously at risk of being repossessed. One particularly memorable scene from the leaked script is a 30 minute conversation between Maclane and his police chief about the possibilty of either a raise or voluntary redundancy. The only action set piece centres around Maclane having a rather one sided argument with bailiffs waiting outside his front door. No swearing. Directed by David Schwimmer.
JAMES BOND VS FREDDY
A bit odd this one as Daniel Craig could be risking career suicide by having any part in this stupid cross-over that sees Freddy Krueger escape from Hell only, instead of carrying on with his usual, casual infanticide he decides to hold the world to ransom by hacking into telecommunication satellites and transmitting MEAN GIRLS on a loop to every single TV channel available. Society collapses and Bond has only 48 hours to stop Krueger or the worlds population will go insane. Such a bad idea that you would think that some cunt just spent 30 seconds thinking it up. Directed by Uwe Boll.
SPIDER-MAN 4
The one with 62 villains, 12 song and dance routines and Peter Parker not even bothering to put the spidey suit on. At all. Directed by Sam Raimi with some help from a clueless fat-fuck producer. Or Avi Arad as he likes to be called.
HARRY POTTER AND THE SHITTY HOTDOG
This is a JK Rowling endorsed spin-off that see Harry going to University on a quest to find the drunkest slut he can find to give a "shitty hotdog". According to the press release blurb, Harry has fucked off his ginger mate and decided that the only way he can get any minge is to go it alone in search for that elusive "shitty hotdog". I have to say that Rowling has surprised me by authorising this sequel. I've read the first draft and I can tell you for certain that it is going to be a hard 18 certificate. The dreary denoument is really rather upsetting. Dark Stuff. Directed by David Cronenberg.
BRIDGET JONES: THE CRACK WHORE YEARS
Another slightly disturbing sequel from a popular series of books that sees the titular slag lose her job, boyfriend and house and resorts to selling her flabby clunge to chinese businessmen to pay for her chronic smack addiction. Bridget's lovable persona goes out the fucking window in this sequel. It really is quite harrowing stuff. In a good way. 40 minutes in and already her sense of humour has been replaced by a homicidal dislike towards men and she ends up weighing around four stone due to fact that her diet no longer consists of Haagen Daaz and white wine but Chinese businessmen's jizz and poor quality heroin. I might be tempted to actually go and see this one. Directed by David Lynch.
SHREK FUCKS HIS KIDS
I thought this was a joke but apparently the big-wigs at Dreamworks have honestly decided to make a Shrek film that has a serious message about the ongoing problem of paedophilia and child abuse. Frankly, I think they have lost their fucking minds. If the title doesn't put you off taking the kids then let it be known that it's going to be directed by a certain Brett Ratner. FRANCHISE KILLER ALERT!!!
GUY RICHIES REMAKE OF 'THE EXORCIST'
Now, I'm just as angry about this as you are. THE EXORCIST is a flawless horror classic and one that shouldn't be remade at all let alone by a one-trick talentless faux-cockney cunt like Guy Richie. The press notes state that Michael Bay's production company, Platinum Dunes, is financing the project with an estimated $200,000,000 budget and the possessed child so memorably played by Linda Blair will now be played by Vinnie Jones. What the fuck? "Yer muvva sacks cocks in 'ell mush!" After Richie's awful REVOLVER he has been looking for projects outside of the "cockney gangster" genre but to be honest what he should be doing is staying away from a film set altogether, staying at home with his saggy-twatted wife and adopt ethnic children. It gets worse. The role of priest Damian Karras has now been given to Bob Hoskins and the mother is probably going to be played by Barbara Windsor. The film is reportedly going to be set in South London. Shooting starts in a couple of months. This is gonna suck harder than Lindsay Lohan giving James Dyson a blowjob. In a Black Hole.
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