Satan's Movie Reviewer #1: Paul Ross
Crabman and I have become increasingly upset about the quality of reviews in even some of our most favoured publications. No longer can we rely on TOTAL FILM or EMPIRE to provide unbiased, qualitative reviews that are of any use. Too many times have they lauded some utter bag of fuck-spanners as a work of unbridled genius. No, we've long since stopped relying on even the most well-written reviews as no use to us.
However, even in their wrongest moments, the two publications above have always been entertaining and stated the facts in a vaguely accurate fashion. There are far more reviewers out there who got their job because they have a nice pair of tits/famous brother/can breathe through their noses and suck like a Dyson. These are usually called "Entertainment Correspondents" and whichever country you currently reside in, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But as I live in England, I shall tell you all about our very own Worst Movie Reviewer Of All Time - Paul Ross.
This is fuck-stain of a human being. He used to work on gash yoof programme, THE WORD, as an editor. Instantly, he is a cunt. He worked on THE BIG BREAKFAST. Cunt. He had his own TV show. CUNT. He worked on bid-up.tv before it became a student/piss-head's cult favourite. Cuuuuunt. He appeared on not one, but TWO reality TV-shows. Caaaant. But the icing on the cherry cake of cuntiness is that he appeared as a fictional character in the first BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY movie. CUNNNNNUUUNNNNUUNUNUT!
But what really irons my nads is his regular slot as movie reviewer for daytime TV frontal lobotomy, THIS MORNING. I'm a little hard on THIS MORNING as it's not actively dumbing down for its audience. Its audience really is this stupid. The kind of people who can't/won't get jobs, the kind of people who look after their eighteen kids, the kind of people who go to university but never attend lectures, the kind of people whose brain capacity is close to that of a walnut. For these people, THIS MORNING - and by extension - Paul Ross' film reviews are probably equivalent to the works of Proust. To these people, the instructions on the back of their Ch-Ch-Ch... Charmin' toilet roll is Pulitzer Prize-winning.
But Ross' reviews are legendarily turdulent. Even his wikipedia entry accuses him of "quote whoring", a practice bound to mark you out as a fuck-knuckle of the highest order. A good example of this kind of thing would be if I mentioned in a review of WILD HOGS that I thought it was "Hoggerific!" or "I went WILD for this movie!" instead of the more likely review quote which would be "WILD HORSES wouldn't drag me to see this abortion." Quote whoring is the least of Ross' problems, he is one of those cunty reviewers who refuse to say bad things about anything because, you know, somebody will probably enjoy it. Yes, those people who spend twenty minutes trying to work out child-proof caps on pill bottles or think Sudoku is a foreign language. We have a word for these people - retards.
Paul Ross' reviews are utterly, utterly useless for any purpose other than to laugh at. He writes for THE NEWS OF THE FUCKING WORLD for the love of God. One of the most awful tabloid pieces of shit available. I wouldn't wipe my arse with THE NEWS OF THE WORLD for fear I accidentally had some bit of racist banter permanently tattooed there. What's even worse is that I actually kinda like Paul's more talented brother, Jonathan, who presents FILM 2007. Anybody who likes comic books publically is all right with me. But Paul is like a shitty photocopy of Jonathan with all the interesting edges filed off. If ever you see any film poster with one of his quotes on, you know it is going to be utter shit.
I wanted to make this into a regular feature, but I really don't think there's going to be anybody who could even come close to being Satan's Movie Reviewer than Paul Ross. Even Satan himself would refuse to watch some of the shit Paul Ross wanks over like a chimp with a film degree.
However, even in their wrongest moments, the two publications above have always been entertaining and stated the facts in a vaguely accurate fashion. There are far more reviewers out there who got their job because they have a nice pair of tits/famous brother/can breathe through their noses and suck like a Dyson. These are usually called "Entertainment Correspondents" and whichever country you currently reside in, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But as I live in England, I shall tell you all about our very own Worst Movie Reviewer Of All Time - Paul Ross.
This is fuck-stain of a human being. He used to work on gash yoof programme, THE WORD, as an editor. Instantly, he is a cunt. He worked on THE BIG BREAKFAST. Cunt. He had his own TV show. CUNT. He worked on bid-up.tv before it became a student/piss-head's cult favourite. Cuuuuunt. He appeared on not one, but TWO reality TV-shows. Caaaant. But the icing on the cherry cake of cuntiness is that he appeared as a fictional character in the first BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY movie. CUNNNNNUUUNNNNUUNUNUT!
But what really irons my nads is his regular slot as movie reviewer for daytime TV frontal lobotomy, THIS MORNING. I'm a little hard on THIS MORNING as it's not actively dumbing down for its audience. Its audience really is this stupid. The kind of people who can't/won't get jobs, the kind of people who look after their eighteen kids, the kind of people who go to university but never attend lectures, the kind of people whose brain capacity is close to that of a walnut. For these people, THIS MORNING - and by extension - Paul Ross' film reviews are probably equivalent to the works of Proust. To these people, the instructions on the back of their Ch-Ch-Ch... Charmin' toilet roll is Pulitzer Prize-winning.
But Ross' reviews are legendarily turdulent. Even his wikipedia entry accuses him of "quote whoring", a practice bound to mark you out as a fuck-knuckle of the highest order. A good example of this kind of thing would be if I mentioned in a review of WILD HOGS that I thought it was "Hoggerific!" or "I went WILD for this movie!" instead of the more likely review quote which would be "WILD HORSES wouldn't drag me to see this abortion." Quote whoring is the least of Ross' problems, he is one of those cunty reviewers who refuse to say bad things about anything because, you know, somebody will probably enjoy it. Yes, those people who spend twenty minutes trying to work out child-proof caps on pill bottles or think Sudoku is a foreign language. We have a word for these people - retards.
Paul Ross' reviews are utterly, utterly useless for any purpose other than to laugh at. He writes for THE NEWS OF THE FUCKING WORLD for the love of God. One of the most awful tabloid pieces of shit available. I wouldn't wipe my arse with THE NEWS OF THE WORLD for fear I accidentally had some bit of racist banter permanently tattooed there. What's even worse is that I actually kinda like Paul's more talented brother, Jonathan, who presents FILM 2007. Anybody who likes comic books publically is all right with me. But Paul is like a shitty photocopy of Jonathan with all the interesting edges filed off. If ever you see any film poster with one of his quotes on, you know it is going to be utter shit.
I wanted to make this into a regular feature, but I really don't think there's going to be anybody who could even come close to being Satan's Movie Reviewer than Paul Ross. Even Satan himself would refuse to watch some of the shit Paul Ross wanks over like a chimp with a film degree.
Labels: Satan's Movie Reviewers, Shit idea
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