NEW! A Celebrity Theme Park

Mummy, mummy, can we go? Pleeeeeeeease. I want to wave my lightsabre around while we watch camels do what you and daddy do at night. Yaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!

Mark's onto a fucking nice little earner here.

CUNT!

Crabman Ponders Rob Zombie's Remake Of HALLOWEEN

I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do this but after watching Rob Zombie’s remake of HALLOWEEN last week I feel I have to say a few things about it but you’ll have to excuse me if this post is neither informative or funny. Any regular readers will know of my total disgust towards POINTLESS FUCKING REMAKES. The past few years have seen remakes of THE OMEN, THE HILLS HAVE EYES and THE FOG, to name but a few and quite frankly 99.99% of them have been fucking lazy abortions of the originals. I have said before that I have no problem whatsoever with remaking films that didn’t work the first time around but to keep rehashing well loved classics is not only pointless but fucking irritating.

John Carpenter’s original 1978 HALLOWEEN was a film I grew up with and loved and I still watch it at least twice a year, once always on Halloween night. Have done for years. Carpenter crafted a lean, atmospheric and shit-your-pants scary film from a budget that these days wouldn’t even pay for Chris Tucker’s brain medicine. Michael Myers was quite possibly the scariest motherfucker I had ever seen on film when I was a kid and he still is. In Carpenter’s original. It is and will probably always be one of my favourite horror films of all time. Its PERFECT. There has been six sequels (not including HALLOWEEN III) and never before has the law of diminishing returns ever been so aptly applied. The franchise reached a true low in HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION when Busta Rhymes roundhouse kicks Myers in the head. What. The. Fuck? To be honest, apart form HALLOWEEN II, I had pretty much given up on the whole franchise but I still have the perfect original to cherish. I remember saying to a few mates last year that there are some films that Hollywood wouldn’t dare remake. THE EXORCIST, JAWS and ,of course, HALLOWEEN. So, imagine my complete fucking exasperation when it was announced that the always savvy Weinstein brothers had brought Rob Zombie on board to “re-imagine” Carpenter’s flawless original.

Now, I’ll start of by saying that I have only seen the WORKPRINT that was leaked online last week which was Zombie’s original vision that was shown to test audiences earlier in the year. The theatrical version, released in America last Friday has had some alterations to it demanded by the studio and from what I've read the WORKPRINT is superior. Unbelievably so. That's yet another major clusterfuck from the Weinsteins. Fat cunts.

The first 30 minutes deals with the ten year old Michael Myers played by "creepy looking" newcomer Daeg Faerch. He's shown to have a “shit life”. His mother is a stripper. His mother’s boyfriend is an alcoholic bully. His sister is a slag. He gets bullied at school. The Myers house is the only shit-hole in the entire neighbourhood. He has no friends and, oh yeah, he kills his pet rats with a knife. It really is the stupidest, most ill-advised opening to a film I have seen in a long time. I’m guessing that Zombie was attempting to explain why Michael Myers becomes the monster he does but in reality all he has done is just miss the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT. Michael Myers gave me nightmares as a kid for a very good reason. He WAS the boogeyman. Pure evil. Unstoppable and relentless, any explanation as to why he kills would just make him less scary. What we don’t understand, we fear. Zombie fucked up. Good start.



The film moves forward to Michael being transferred to a “secure” sanatorium after he brutally kills his mother’s boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend. He can’t remember committing the murders and doesn’t understand why he has been locked up. Step forward Malcolm Mcdowell playing the part of Dr Sam Loomis so memorably played by Donald Pleasence in the original. First of all, I like Malcolm Mcdowell and I did think that he was quite an inspired piece of casting for this remake but he’s fucking terrible in this film. I place the blame squarely at Rob Zombie for this. The dialogue he has to work with is awful and to be honest, Zombie can’t direct actors. He can’t direct at all actually. Loomis spends a good few years trying to get through to Michael after he kills a nurse with a fork that he had handy and becomes a mute. Instead of talking, Michael makes and wears a series of masks to convey his mood. Loomis gives up, turns into a fucking bell-end and writes a book all about Myers. UTTER WANK!

15 YEARS LATER

Michael is now a seven foot monster of a man and still, understandably, locked up. Late one night, two stereotypical redneck arseholes that work the nightshift decide to rape one of the female inmates. In Myers cell. With him in it. Because, of course, if I was wanting to rape a mentally disturbed woman in the dead of night, where better to do it than in a seven foot tall, homicidal maniac's cell all the while taunting said homicidal maniac and LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN! He escapes. Obviously. This “secure” unit is nothing of the fucking sort. He wanders outside with one of his masks on and trots off down the road. Zombie, you are trying MY FUCKING PATIENCE.

From here on in, Zombie just let’s Michael loose on the town of Haddonfield killing pretty much everyone he can find but there is zero tension. It’s not scary and quite frankly, for a film pretending to be HALLOWEEN, it’s a fucking disgrace. In the original, Myers loomed out of shadows, appeared from nowhere but all the time remaining omnipresent. Wherever you hid, the creepy cunt would just appear. SCARY. Zombie has Myers just wander form house to house for no other reason than to show another gratuitous tit shot or slicing of a throat. Any fans of the original will remember a complete lack of blood. I haven’t got a problem with gore. Or tits. Quite the opposite actually. But if you really must remake HALLOWEEN please make sure you do the following.

MAKE IT SCARY YOU STUPID CUNT. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE.

I could go on and on about what’s wrong with this film but I won’t. Actually, I think I will.

• The beginning
  
• The script is awful
  
• The acting is atrocious. Even, as mentioned earlier, Malcolm Mcdowell.
  
• The teenage girls are all now one dimensional BRATZ rejects. You actually want them to die.
  
• The middle.
  
• Michael Myers looks like a fucking wanky grunge rock cunt.
  
• Zombie uses that fucking awful “shaky cam” effect. Yawn.
  
• Michael Myers is made out to be a sympathetic psycho killer. ???????????
  
• Zombie really needs to stop putting his stupid fucking wife in his films. She’s rubbish.
  
• The majority of the film makes no sense whatsoever.
  
• The end. Which really is unbelievably bad.

The only two things I like about this cunt of a remake was the music and Myers’ mask. Both of which were in the original film in the first place. So, WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT? I’m afraid I can’t answer that for you. Feel free to check out the WORKPRINT here and save yourself some cash when it eventually opens here in October. Be quick though, I have a feeling it won't be online for much longer. As I said before, the cut that's online is the BETTER VERSION which actually makes me wander just how unspeakably bad the theatrical cut is. Suffice to say, it is getting a fucking good kicking from the critics. Good.



Please, Hollywood, stop producing these POINTLESS FUCKING REMAKES. If Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN wasn’t bad enough, I still have the remake of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK to look forward to in 2009. Directed by Len Wiseman.

FUCK. ME. SIDEWAYS.

Satan's Movie Reviewer #1: Paul Ross

Crabman and I have become increasingly upset about the quality of reviews in even some of our most favoured publications. No longer can we rely on TOTAL FILM or EMPIRE to provide unbiased, qualitative reviews that are of any use. Too many times have they lauded some utter bag of fuck-spanners as a work of unbridled genius. No, we've long since stopped relying on even the most well-written reviews as no use to us.

However, even in their wrongest moments, the two publications above have always been entertaining and stated the facts in a vaguely accurate fashion. There are far more reviewers out there who got their job because they have a nice pair of tits/famous brother/can breathe through their noses and suck like a Dyson. These are usually called "Entertainment Correspondents" and whichever country you currently reside in, you know exactly what I'm talking about. But as I live in England, I shall tell you all about our very own Worst Movie Reviewer Of All Time - Paul Ross.

This is fuck-stain of a human being. He used to work on gash yoof programme, THE WORD, as an editor. Instantly, he is a cunt. He worked on THE BIG BREAKFAST. Cunt. He had his own TV show. CUNT. He worked on bid-up.tv before it became a student/piss-head's cult favourite. Cuuuuunt. He appeared on not one, but TWO reality TV-shows. Caaaant. But the icing on the cherry cake of cuntiness is that he appeared as a fictional character in the first BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY movie. CUNNNNNUUUNNNNUUNUNUT!

But what really irons my nads is his regular slot as movie reviewer for daytime TV frontal lobotomy, THIS MORNING. I'm a little hard on THIS MORNING as it's not actively dumbing down for its audience. Its audience really is this stupid. The kind of people who can't/won't get jobs, the kind of people who look after their eighteen kids, the kind of people who go to university but never attend lectures, the kind of people whose brain capacity is close to that of a walnut. For these people, THIS MORNING - and by extension - Paul Ross' film reviews are probably equivalent to the works of Proust. To these people, the instructions on the back of their Ch-Ch-Ch... Charmin' toilet roll is Pulitzer Prize-winning.

But Ross' reviews are legendarily turdulent. Even his wikipedia entry accuses him of "quote whoring", a practice bound to mark you out as a fuck-knuckle of the highest order. A good example of this kind of thing would be if I mentioned in a review of WILD HOGS that I thought it was "Hoggerific!" or "I went WILD for this movie!" instead of the more likely review quote which would be "WILD HORSES wouldn't drag me to see this abortion." Quote whoring is the least of Ross' problems, he is one of those cunty reviewers who refuse to say bad things about anything because, you know, somebody will probably enjoy it. Yes, those people who spend twenty minutes trying to work out child-proof caps on pill bottles or think Sudoku is a foreign language. We have a word for these people - retards.

Paul Ross' reviews are utterly, utterly useless for any purpose other than to laugh at. He writes for THE NEWS OF THE FUCKING WORLD for the love of God. One of the most awful tabloid pieces of shit available. I wouldn't wipe my arse with THE NEWS OF THE WORLD for fear I accidentally had some bit of racist banter permanently tattooed there. What's even worse is that I actually kinda like Paul's more talented brother, Jonathan, who presents FILM 2007. Anybody who likes comic books publically is all right with me. But Paul is like a shitty photocopy of Jonathan with all the interesting edges filed off. If ever you see any film poster with one of his quotes on, you know it is going to be utter shit.

I wanted to make this into a regular feature, but I really don't think there's going to be anybody who could even come close to being Satan's Movie Reviewer than Paul Ross. Even Satan himself would refuse to watch some of the shit Paul Ross wanks over like a chimp with a film degree.

World >fnar< Of >titter< War >giggles< Craft >cackles< Movie >pisses pants< Planned

"Want To Learn Some Details About The Proposed WORLD OF WARCRAFT Film?!" expounds the header on Ain't It Cool's reportage of the, you guessed it, potential WORLD OF WARCRAFT film. I say "potential" because there is as much chance of this film seeing the light of day as there is Lindsay Lohan passing a piss-test. I, for one, am quite happy about this for several different reasons. What's that, Sparky? You think I'm going to do a bullet-point list? And swear a lot? And little Tim's fallen in the well? FUCK OFF AND CHEW A BONE, HAIR-BALL.

For those of you who go about your day-to-day life with nary a care in the world, talking to strangers, nipping to the shops, hitting the gym, meeting your girlfriend for cocktails and, most importantly, washing your bell-end from time to time, WORLD OF WARCRAFT is an Online Massively Multi-Player Roleplaying Game. Basically, a bunch of losers get together and pretend to be dwarfs and twat computer characters with sticks and then backslap each other over a job well done. I.e. they are cunts. If you are reading this and thinking I'm being a bit harsh on them, FUCK YOU! If you like playing WORLD OF WARCRAFT and are about to send me a lengthy hate-mail, FUCK YOU TOO!

(Note the irony of a man who writes a blog on the internet about TRANSFORMERS and BATMAN taking the piss out of people who play WORLD OF WARCRAFT.)

Anyway, on with the bullet-point list action! Ooh, today I'm going to spoil you with a numbered list! WOWZERS!

1. This "film" is blatantly an attempt to grab some of the tall LORD OF THE RINGS dollars that Hollywood execs imagine is out there waiting for them. I don't know how well THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA did, but I can tell you it was SHIT and TOO LONG and PREACHY and AN OVERLY-OBVIOUS CHRISTIAN ALLEGORY and HAD FUCKING CHILDREN IN IT. LORD OF THE RINGS was successful solely because it's based on one of the most successful series of books of all time. Case in point - Harry Potter. People would not go see the Harry Potter films if it wasn't for the books. Those films would not even GET MADE based on the shitty scripts, lack of original material and terrible lead actors.
   
   
2. Yes, I'm going to go there, fucktards - but anybody who would actually go and SEE a WORLD OF WARCRAFT film is most definitely a virgin. If they aren't a virgin, it means they found one of the rare female nerds with even lower self-esteem than them and convinced them to let them put all inch of their stump up her thatch for all three minutes before he cries out Green Lantern's oath as he pumps 30 years of backed-up jism into her mothball-crammed clunge. "In deepest day, in darkest >UNGH!< night, no evil shall >HUNNGNGNGNGNGN!< escape... That's it, Xena, I'm nearly there..."
   
   Just because you have shot your muck in or around a woman doesn't necessarily mean you are no longer a virgin. You are making a mockery of the act of sexual intercourse. There should be grades of virginity and if you've only ever convinced mentally drained nerdettes who are grateful for any attention and access to your backlot of Neo Geo ROMS to touch your tiny withered member then you are still a virgin in my eyes. Any woman who will fizz at the bunghole for Captain Jean-Luc Picard isn't really trying very hard anyway.
   
3. Not only is it an immensely misguided attempt to get some of the tall LOTR dollar (And I hate typing acronyms, but I've just discovered a variant of RSI called LOTR finger and don't want to end up with spack hands at aged 30), but it's also a misguided attempt to get some of the tall WOW dollar. Yes, more acronyms, YC (You Cunt). "People" who spend money on WORLD OF WARCRAFT are doing it so they can interact with other "people" without fear of bumping into actual real people who may point out they smell, are virgins, are ugly and smell. They do it so they can pretend to be great knights without actually getting off their fat arses. They are not going to go to the cinema to watch a film where they don't even get to play, especially don't get to talk to other nerds and have to follow a story rather than "a game plan".
   
   If they even want to see the film, people like this will download it. They will not go to the cinema to see it because while they're away, somebody could steal their +10 Sword Of Killing Stuff And Things or goblins could raid their secret lair or mummy could discover that secret stash of BARELY LEGAL Vol. 1-18 glued to the underside of your bed with man-fat. Cinemas are full of people and you need to be in close proximity to them. IMAGINE!
   
   
4. This film is listed as being a $100m property. Admittedly, that's probably only about £27.50 thanks to the exchange rate, but is still a lot of money. I expect it to make back somewhere in the region of £27.50. A better way to market this to the intended audience would be to only let them watch 20 minutes a month and then force them to setup a direct debit for £39.99 a month to get the next installment. Also, if you gave them a 30-day trial of CITY OF HEROES or something they might go. Or promised them Alyson Hannigan was waiting in Row G, absolutely frothing at the gash for some hot nerd on nerd action.
   
5. It's a shit game based on a shit real-time strategy game with zero originality and everything's been cribbed from LORD OF THE RINGS and nobody wants to see a film of it as it'll look like a third-rate LOTR. When all the WORLD OF WARCRAFT players have to embarrasingly say that it's more about the immersive experience than the actual story, they will look even bigger cunts than they were before. And let's be honest, admitting you are a huge fan of the game WORLD OF WARCRAFT is like saying you enjoy Mel Gibson's dad's views on World War Two.
   
6. "The film itself will revolve around a 'badass' new hero," quoth the press release. First of all, you don't tell us your hero is badass, he proves his badassery by being a badass in the film and then we let you know if he's a badass or not. Secondly, it's fucking "bad-ass" you sub-ameoboid cunt. The greatest bad-asses of cinema history proved themselves by just generally being fucking mental and by being in ace films. This film will be shit so you've got that against you already. Also, the kind of nerds who like WORLD OF WARCRAFT think all you need to be a bad-ass is designer stubble and a large weapon. Well, I've got both of those (fnar!) and I'm the least bad-ass person in England, probably. Having scars does not make you bad-ass, I've got plenty of scars from Unidentified Drinking Injuries. Having a cool made-up name doesn't make you cool, I've... Uh, never mind. Bad-ass in the mind of nerd is some highly unoriginal stereotype. Bruce Willis in DIE HARD is bad-ass, but then so is Arnie in PREDATOR and they're pretty different in terms of personality/looks/whatever.
   
7. It was announced at BlizzCon 2007, which is quite possibly the cuntiest place on the planet outside of my bedroom. I'll be honest with you, in my past, I have been to a comic convention. It was only a UK one and I didn't dress up and I didn't buy any collectables, I went to meet friends and it happens we are all into comics. I'm not proud of what I did and luckily I've managed to have sexual relations with women afterwards so the stench hasn't stuck. But going to a WORLD OF WARCRAFT convention is essentially like admitting you've given up on life.
   
8. I discovered this disturbing website during my research and it is the reason that everybody on the internet ever should go outside and breathe some fresh air. THERE IS ACTUAL PORN ON THE INTERNET, FUCK-SPANNERS! You can download actual tits of actual birds and they will actually move. And not jerk like a spastic through their motion-captured routines, you toss-bucket. I hope anybody who has ever watched this and pulled their pudding gets lesions on their bell-end and flies nesting in their pubes.
   
   
9. Video-game adaptations are universally shit. I know, cos I've fucking seen var nigh every one ever made. I have yet to see DEAD OR ALIVE, which is about the only video-game adaptation I could justify. And that's only in case there's a bit of Holly Vallance side boob action going on. And this is me after just chastising men for watching shitty WOW porn. Yes, I'll sit through two hours of Fucking Monkey-Jizz Stains just for the off-chance of a bit of side boob. Maybe I'm the one who needs to get out more?
   
10. Didn't we learn that making films based on nerds leads to shit like SNAKES ON A PLANE? Didn't we all realise that nerds no fucking nothing about making films and are basically nerds for that exact reason. They might watch a lot of films, but that doesn't necessarily make you an expert. No, what makes you an expert is having a movie blog where you say "cunt" a lot. Obviously. And I'm not going to go into detail about SNAKES ON A PLANE because that's a whole posts worth of material. That's a fucking WEEKS worth of posts. And yet, bizarrely, even though Sam Jackson's been in some terrible cuntbiscuits for films, he always gets off scott free. I mean, he was in the fucking PHANTOM MENACE for Jehovah's sake! Nobody should have been allowed to do anything after that.

Anyway, I promise to eat my own shit live on YouTube if this film actually comes out at all in a cinematic release. I actually promise to eat Crabman's shit live on YouTube if it turns out to be anything other than formulaic dross of the worst kind. They'd be better off spending that $100m on buying ThighMasters for all the cunts currently playing WORLD OF WARCRAFT if you ask me...

Mystic Reviews: Transformers

Gaze into my crystal ball!

It is the 27th of July in our Lord's year of 2007. Verily, the film known as TRANSFORMERS has been released in the movingpicture-a-toriums across this fair nation of England. Verily it took them a fucking couple of weeks to get it released over here, ye olde cunts. Myself and my good squire, Sir Crabman, have gone in with much baited breath and excitable demeanours to see this new film. All our hopes now rest with this film... The one true hope for the Summer season. But what will it be like? I shall use my mystic powers to tell you, kind folks! Why wait for the review when I can write it before I see it! So now, I pass you over to the DasGeordie of 15 days into the future! Woooh! Spooky!

DASGEORDIE OF TWO WEEKS IN THE FUTURE:-
Jesus fucking wept, was that a hideous bag of turd. I can't believe Crabman made me go and watch that utter, utter fucking shit! I mean, giant robots fighting and they messed it up! I don't give a shit about some whiny kid getting his first car and there's no way a woman that hot would fall for Chia McBeef and his potato-shaped head! And the robots look shit, they're far too bitty and over-complicated. And the comedy relief was appalling. And Jesus, Mary and Joseph, but Michael Bay needs to stop doing the fucking dolly shots circling round characters! And the slow-mo! I went to see a TRANSFORMERS film - and I don't even like them - and I end up with fucking Bernie Mac and some kid's parents! Cunts! I hate you all for making me think this would be good! I hate you all! Shit, well, at least it won't really matter that much seeing as they've just sounded the three minute alarm and Russia's about to start a nuclear war of Mutually Assured Destruction. Who saw that coming, eh?

Wooh! Spooky, huh? I know there are some non-believers out there who think I may well be just making this up, but we shall see, fellow travellers! We shall see! If my review rings true, verily stupid shall you all feel in doubting my powers! For there could be no other explanation for this supernatural shenanigans! Wooh! Spooky!