TRAILER REVIEW: Bratz
I know what you're thinking... "Bratz? He'll fucking DESPISE that, why is he reviewing the trailer?" To that I'll say, HAVE YOU READ THIS FUCKING SITE BEFORE? I actively seek out things I will hate and that will make me angry. I have been unfortunately exposed to the BRATZ animated series through my job and it makes me want to beat every girl under the age of 16 with paddles until all they want are hessian sacks and Big Macs. If I had kids, they would not be allowed to watch this utter shit and the fact they're making a live action film of it - No, HAVE ALREADY made a film of it - makes me grind my teeth even more than normal. I am well on the way to Quentin-Tarantino-in-FROM DUSK TILL DAWN-having-to-wear-a-mouthguard territory. Anyway, on with proceedings.
Even the fucking font irritates me. And where the fuck is this supposed to be set? "Ooh, that's Backlotsville, just past ImaginaryHighSchoolLand and before you reach NotBasedInReality Village." 'This Summer' is handy to know. It allows me time for weapons prep and urban combat training.
Look at these cunts. What the fuck are you so happy about? Bizarrely, I never used to play Which One Would You? with the cartoon. I could tell you in a heartbeat in which order I would fuck the girls from TOTALLY SPYZ, but BRATZ girls were so bizarrely asexual and... just fucking irritating that I couldn't bring to sexualise pre-teens. And that's not like me.
Oh my god, "BFFs!" Blindingly Fucking Fitties? Backdoor Fits Fine? Boobs Firmly Fitted? Oh, sorry girls, they're obviously Best Friends Forever. BOLLOCKS. These girls are going to realise that their best friend status comes into question as soon as they make higher education choices and find a man and get a job. They'll never speak to these girls again. Years from now, when Chloe is up to her neck in diapers, having had to give up on law school and her husband is out banging his secretary like James Spader, she'll reminisce about those stupid girls she hung out with in school.
The first chance to assess the relative merits of these RADA-trained actresses. So obviously WOULD, WOULDN'T, WOULD, WOULDN'T. The blondey looks like she has potential. The goth one is... Well, she's a bit goth, in't she? Fuck that! The next one looks like Joss Stone. Joss Stone being one of those unfortunate girls who you would fuck like a dog with two cocks right up until she opened her mouth. And the one on the end is the Generic Minority. She's fine and all that, but a bit plain. Also, girls, what did you think would happen when you left junior school? You'd go to Mystic Magic Land and play with unicorns? Of course you're going to high school, you fucknuts.
Yeah, no metal detectors, no litter, no graffiti - this is definitely Mystic Magic Land. If this was set in my high school, there'd be a bunch of kids sniffing glue, massive rain puddles, everything would be stolen and you'd shit your bricks just walking to class. (This is an actual lie, I went to a really nice school full of Tarquins. Cunts.)
This is the evil Prom Queen the girls will have to fight for the popularity of their class-mates. You can tell she's the evil Prom Queen because she's ever so slightly uglier than our heroines. And, I'm not spoiling it for you here, but I'm guessing she's going to get her come-uppance at some point and maybe even learn a valuable lesson of some kind. This girl will be MD of some company by 30 and grinding girls like the BRATZ into her heels as she clambers up the business ladder.
Wow, Blondey gets better with every frame! I'd bang that into next week. Also, note how the girls look like they're being played by their mums. Are there really no good teenage actresses that don't look like they have a pension scheme and a mortgage?
Here, evil Prom Queen explains the complicated arrangement for lunchtime. Who sits where, basically. I think she has this chart laminated. I bet she prefers to masturbate with a slide rule than a dildo. You can't see at this res, but it basically subdivides into cliques. You see, cliques are bad. People don't integrate, they hide in the corners. Cliques are status quo and the BRATZ are here to mix it up! Fuck off, girls, the nerds no more want to talk to the jocks than the jocks actually want to talk to the science geeks. FUCK OFF, GIRLS!
Has anybody actually ever seen nerds that looked like this? Even in their unco-ordination, they are co-ordinated. Not one of them looks like they'v got scabies and grows rats. Also, I counted at least two birds there, which is wrong on many levels.
Goths are great. They're the only group it's OK to hate because they hate themselves just as much! What are you going to say to them, "Your entire life sucks, dude!" "Yes, I know, my life is a shambles." "Er... Yeah! It is! Fuck..." I fucking hate goths. And for some reason, goth in this country has re-labelled itself Emo and now it's OK to be goth. When I were a lad you'd get bottled just for looking at black makeup. And rightly so. No, I did not grow up in Yorkshire in the 1940s.
Oh my god, how much does she look like Joss Stone? She's totally putting me off my stroke on Blondey. Even when I put my (left) hand over her face, I keep imagining her talking in some faux Devon/American accent. But just look at Blondey, even in a kids film she's still got porn face. I wonder how many dicks she had to suck to get to where she is today. I think I'll wonder about that for another few minutes actually...
Oh no! The plot is set! The girls refuse to adhere to the Rules of the Playground and now evil Prom Queen must show them the error of their ways whilst learning a valuable lesson. Do you even need to see the rest of the film? I mean, seriously, is there not a person with half a brain-cell who couldn't do a damn good job of writing a semi-plausible version of the rest of the story? Is this what you want your kids to watch? Bullshit about being friends and looking good and how everybody bonds if they just talk and... THAT'S NOT HIGH SCHOOL! Larry Clark's KIDS is what kids are really like. This bears no resemblance to what kids are actually like. Fuck, SOUTH PARK is more realistic than BRATZ and that has fucking aliens in it. So I couldn't be arsed to do scans of the rest of the trailer - this will have to do to sum it up for you.
Yeah, lots of montages of food fights and parties and cute boys and the girls falling out, only to bond again in time for the climactic finale which involves them >SHUDDER< putting on a song and dance routine for the inevitable single launch. I despise this kind of children's film. I'd rather the kids went to see fucking TRANSFORMERS, that has more to say to them than this dross.
CUNTZ, more like.
At what point did "Oh My God" become too long a sentence to say? There isn't a word in there with more than three letters. I fucking despise text talk. I send a lot of texts and still consider it a cardinal crime to abbreviate anything. That's just utter laziness. And when I get a text from one of my younger friends and it's full of "BRB" and other such optical AIDS, I wish I had a Young Person's Decoder Ring sometimes. Or some way of giving them a nut-kick down the phone.
I will most certainly not be seeing this film, even if I got free tickets and Blondey offered to blow me during the trailers. The only way I would ever see this film is if I was captured behind enemy lines and Al Qaeda had it on a perpetual loop to torture inmates. And even then, I'd probably claw my eyes out first. I'd rather have fatal syphilis than see this film.
Even the fucking font irritates me. And where the fuck is this supposed to be set? "Ooh, that's Backlotsville, just past ImaginaryHighSchoolLand and before you reach NotBasedInReality Village." 'This Summer' is handy to know. It allows me time for weapons prep and urban combat training.
Look at these cunts. What the fuck are you so happy about? Bizarrely, I never used to play Which One Would You? with the cartoon. I could tell you in a heartbeat in which order I would fuck the girls from TOTALLY SPYZ, but BRATZ girls were so bizarrely asexual and... just fucking irritating that I couldn't bring to sexualise pre-teens. And that's not like me.
Oh my god, "BFFs!" Blindingly Fucking Fitties? Backdoor Fits Fine? Boobs Firmly Fitted? Oh, sorry girls, they're obviously Best Friends Forever. BOLLOCKS. These girls are going to realise that their best friend status comes into question as soon as they make higher education choices and find a man and get a job. They'll never speak to these girls again. Years from now, when Chloe is up to her neck in diapers, having had to give up on law school and her husband is out banging his secretary like James Spader, she'll reminisce about those stupid girls she hung out with in school.
The first chance to assess the relative merits of these RADA-trained actresses. So obviously WOULD, WOULDN'T, WOULD, WOULDN'T. The blondey looks like she has potential. The goth one is... Well, she's a bit goth, in't she? Fuck that! The next one looks like Joss Stone. Joss Stone being one of those unfortunate girls who you would fuck like a dog with two cocks right up until she opened her mouth. And the one on the end is the Generic Minority. She's fine and all that, but a bit plain. Also, girls, what did you think would happen when you left junior school? You'd go to Mystic Magic Land and play with unicorns? Of course you're going to high school, you fucknuts.
Yeah, no metal detectors, no litter, no graffiti - this is definitely Mystic Magic Land. If this was set in my high school, there'd be a bunch of kids sniffing glue, massive rain puddles, everything would be stolen and you'd shit your bricks just walking to class. (This is an actual lie, I went to a really nice school full of Tarquins. Cunts.)
This is the evil Prom Queen the girls will have to fight for the popularity of their class-mates. You can tell she's the evil Prom Queen because she's ever so slightly uglier than our heroines. And, I'm not spoiling it for you here, but I'm guessing she's going to get her come-uppance at some point and maybe even learn a valuable lesson of some kind. This girl will be MD of some company by 30 and grinding girls like the BRATZ into her heels as she clambers up the business ladder.
Wow, Blondey gets better with every frame! I'd bang that into next week. Also, note how the girls look like they're being played by their mums. Are there really no good teenage actresses that don't look like they have a pension scheme and a mortgage?
Here, evil Prom Queen explains the complicated arrangement for lunchtime. Who sits where, basically. I think she has this chart laminated. I bet she prefers to masturbate with a slide rule than a dildo. You can't see at this res, but it basically subdivides into cliques. You see, cliques are bad. People don't integrate, they hide in the corners. Cliques are status quo and the BRATZ are here to mix it up! Fuck off, girls, the nerds no more want to talk to the jocks than the jocks actually want to talk to the science geeks. FUCK OFF, GIRLS!
Has anybody actually ever seen nerds that looked like this? Even in their unco-ordination, they are co-ordinated. Not one of them looks like they'v got scabies and grows rats. Also, I counted at least two birds there, which is wrong on many levels.
Goths are great. They're the only group it's OK to hate because they hate themselves just as much! What are you going to say to them, "Your entire life sucks, dude!" "Yes, I know, my life is a shambles." "Er... Yeah! It is! Fuck..." I fucking hate goths. And for some reason, goth in this country has re-labelled itself Emo and now it's OK to be goth. When I were a lad you'd get bottled just for looking at black makeup. And rightly so. No, I did not grow up in Yorkshire in the 1940s.
Oh my god, how much does she look like Joss Stone? She's totally putting me off my stroke on Blondey. Even when I put my (left) hand over her face, I keep imagining her talking in some faux Devon/American accent. But just look at Blondey, even in a kids film she's still got porn face. I wonder how many dicks she had to suck to get to where she is today. I think I'll wonder about that for another few minutes actually...
Oh no! The plot is set! The girls refuse to adhere to the Rules of the Playground and now evil Prom Queen must show them the error of their ways whilst learning a valuable lesson. Do you even need to see the rest of the film? I mean, seriously, is there not a person with half a brain-cell who couldn't do a damn good job of writing a semi-plausible version of the rest of the story? Is this what you want your kids to watch? Bullshit about being friends and looking good and how everybody bonds if they just talk and... THAT'S NOT HIGH SCHOOL! Larry Clark's KIDS is what kids are really like. This bears no resemblance to what kids are actually like. Fuck, SOUTH PARK is more realistic than BRATZ and that has fucking aliens in it. So I couldn't be arsed to do scans of the rest of the trailer - this will have to do to sum it up for you.
Yeah, lots of montages of food fights and parties and cute boys and the girls falling out, only to bond again in time for the climactic finale which involves them >SHUDDER< putting on a song and dance routine for the inevitable single launch. I despise this kind of children's film. I'd rather the kids went to see fucking TRANSFORMERS, that has more to say to them than this dross.
CUNTZ, more like.
At what point did "Oh My God" become too long a sentence to say? There isn't a word in there with more than three letters. I fucking despise text talk. I send a lot of texts and still consider it a cardinal crime to abbreviate anything. That's just utter laziness. And when I get a text from one of my younger friends and it's full of "BRB" and other such optical AIDS, I wish I had a Young Person's Decoder Ring sometimes. Or some way of giving them a nut-kick down the phone.
I will most certainly not be seeing this film, even if I got free tickets and Blondey offered to blow me during the trailers. The only way I would ever see this film is if I was captured behind enemy lines and Al Qaeda had it on a perpetual loop to torture inmates. And even then, I'd probably claw my eyes out first. I'd rather have fatal syphilis than see this film.
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