DEATHPROOF Review: Ten Things I Hate About Quentin
So, I saw a completely legitimate and not even slightly illegal copy of DEATHPROOF last night. Crabman has already briefly mentioned how shit GRINDHOUSE was and wanted a second opinion on the theatrical release of Tarantino's half. Sometimes I disagree with him just because I'm a mardy cunt so he was a little concerned I'd like it. However, he couldn't be more wrong. If anything, I actually hate it MORE than he does.
- Feet fetishes are weird - Look, Quentin, I can get behind people like Russ Meyer. Any man who doesn't like massive tits appearing in his films is a fucking weirdo. But obsessing over women's feet is just FUCKING WEIRD. They are ugly as sin. They look like mong hands. Even painted, they're ugly. And I bet they smell too. So, STOP FUCKING MAKING US LOOK AT FEET!
- It's way too long - Most people thought it was too long and dull when it was only half a film, so now it's nearly half an hour longer and on it's own... Well, it's WWWWWWWWay too fucking long. And the amazing part about it all is that there is literally no plot here. A canny editor - either at the pre or post production stage - could cut this film down to 20 minutes long. There is literally that much actual material. So you're wondering what the remaining run-time is filled with. Well...
- Fucking cameo-tastic cunt - Not only does Tarantino insist on appearing in this film as a cool barman in the coolest bar in the whole world... but he gives fucking Eli Roth a cameo too. WHAT A CUNT. In fact, Roth's role could be summed up as "cunt". He probably thought it was really funny that he was playing a cunt, which is some kind of double-double-double-irony squared. Because he really is a cunt. And can't act at all. I have no problem with Hitchcock-esque brief glimpses. Peter Jackson has got it down to a fine art. But when you start getting to M Night Shyamalan levels of self-insertion, well, just FUCK OFF.
- The scratched film - Now, I wouldn't really have a problem with this normally. I don't mind creators filming in black and white nowadays. I loved THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE and GOOD NIGHT & GOOD LUCK. They looked good. So I have no problem with deliberately evoking a style from the past. And it looks very convincing during the first half. Admittedly, it's a bit disconcerting from time to time, but it works to make the film look old. Then, randomly, he just stops doing it halfway through. Did he get bored? Too lazy? Run out of money? I can't think of any stylistic reason why he would do it. Likewise, there's a pointless ten minute scene in the middle of the film that's black and white for no reason. Seriously, what the fuck?
- Girl talk - Oh my god, I could write 10,000 words on this very easily. I could write an entire blog just based on some of the conversation pieces Tarantino wrote into this film. What's more likely is I will scrawl it in the blood of dead prostitutes across my bedroom wall shortly before I'm thrown into Arkham Asylum. Because, OH MY GOD, is it pointless. I'm not the kind of person who just wants to cut to the killing and car chases - I've loved some of Tarantino's dialogue in the past. But this is so masturbatory, it's not even funny. Not only that, 90% of it has ABSOLUTELY NO RELEVANCE to the plot whatsoever. It's not even giving you an insight into the characters, it's just Tarantino showing how cool and clever he is. There is a full 45 cunting minutes of girl talk before Kurt Russell even turns up. It's a fucking exploitation slasher film, you UTTER utter cunt!
- Zoe Bell is totally out of place - Aside from the fact it's so fucking - and oh god, I'm going to say the word again - masturbatory to include his stuntwoman as... a stuntwoman in his film, she is VERY wrong here. I'm sure her understated, naturalistic style of acting would work with a more documentarian style, but in this world of ultra-stylised acting and dialogue, she feels wrong. She feels like she's walked into the wrong film. Actually, I'm being nice to her, her acting is a bit shit. All this talk of, "Ooh, she's a potential action movie star of the future" is utter wank. She is a stuntwoman and a very good one. That is all. Cunts.
- Women are best, men suck balls - The only guys who appear in this film are either (a) Tarantino himself (b) Utter misogynist cunts or (c) A fucking weird shop clerk sequence. I mean, seriously, why doesn't Tarantino follow "Lana" Wachowski into ladyboy's-ville? It was fun and quirky when he played on women protagonists in JACKIE BROWN, was a little obvious in KILL BILL and now it's just fucking tedious. I'm going to spoil the second half of the film now - IT WAS SHIT. OK, that's not a spoiler. What actually happens halfway through is the hunter becomes the hunted. And it is the least convincing plot twist I have ever seen. The hard-as-nails, psychopathic serial killing stuntman gets a minor flesh wound and becomes a whining, sissy who runs away and is scared shitless of a bunch of whiny bitches. Likewise, the bunch of fashion model-looking bitches suddenly turn into death-hungry killers who don't mind beating a man to death in the street. If somebody had actually read this script before shooting, they might have been able to point out how FUCKING STUPID it was.
- Totally pointless scenes - Seriously, there are literally a dozen scenes in this film which I retrospectively realised served NO purpose at all. When you're watching them, you think, "Right, there must be some reason why we get these loving close-ups of a girl sending a text message." But OH NO, they have literally no point at all. You never even meet the cunt who she's texting. And that's not even the worst offender. Pretty much any scene with girls chatting is pointless. UTTERLY pointless. But the entire film is RIDDLED with scenes that go nowhere and prove only to pad out the running time. The worst offender is the scene in the middle where the Sheriff turns up, explains he knows what Stuntman Mike is up to and then says he's going to do fuck-all about it. WHAT? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? Are we going to have the cleaner wander on and tell us he's not interested in catching him either? I know it's just so Tarantino can do That Cameo again, but it's still pointless. And then the stuff that really should get followed-up never even see a mention.
- The ending - The only reason I don't hate the ending of this film is because it meant the film was FINALLY FUCKING OVER. But seriously, when "The End" comes up on-screen, if you aren't utterly fucking surprised I will eat my fucking hat. In fact, I'm tempted to ask my mate who works at a cinema to take a picture of the audience's faces at the exact second "The End" appears on screen. I imagine it will be very similar to that website featuring photos of people the first time they see Goatse...
- The car bits aren't even that good - Seriously. There's not really any car bits until the very end. And they basically entail two cars driving down a road nudging each other. And then nudging a bit more. And also, all the characters in these films drive stupidly fashionable cars. Nobody has a Vauxhall Nova. But the most exciting part of the whole thing is Zoe Bell hanging onto a car bonnet whilst being attacked by Stuntman Mike. And after ten minutes of her swinging around and shrieking, you kinda get bored. And whilst I kinda agree with the character's (And obviously Tarantino's) views that practical stuntwork will always be better than CG, there is a middle-ground. The big rig chase along a bridge in BAD BOYS II is a perfect example of merging CG and practical. So fuck off, you outmoded cunt.
Labels: Bad Decisions, Cunt, Kurt Russell, review, Tarantino, Weinsteins
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