Mystic Review Pizza: THE SEVENTH SEAL
D’ya know wot it is right. I woke up this glory with a fackin smasher of an ‘angover and got a dog and bone call off DossCunt and Crapminge or whatever the fack they call themselves these days, and they asked me if I would go dahn me local flicks like and review THE SEVENTH SEAL for ‘em. “Fack orf!” I said “you know me, I only review films that aint even been farkin’ made yet being the future seeing cahnt I am”. Apparently, those two melt pricks were too busy to go see it themselves coz they were workin’ on a post. Sumfin' abaht socks that mop up yer spunk like. I wasn’t really in the farrrrkin’ mood to argue with the wankers so I agreed. So, after giving the missus a good fackin’ pasting, I set off dahn me local fleapit to watch this pile of shit. I had no fackin’ idea wot it was abaht or anyfing.
I bought a fackin’ ticket and sat dahn in me seat like. Nah, the first thing I’ll say is that the cinema woz full of wot people dahn my end of Lahndan call “facking posh wanky faarrrrrkin student cahnts”. All sittin’ there sippin’ their fackin water talking abaht posh shit like “I read this book the other day” blah, blah farrrrrrkin blah. I fackin’ ‘ate students I do. Utter melt cahnts. Anyway, the fackin film. Nah, before I go on wiv my farkin’ review, the two whingy cahnts that run this shit site said that this would be a brand spankin’ remastered print. “It will look sweet Mystic mate” they said. Well.......
IT’S IN BLACK AND FARRRRKIN WHITE YOU FACKIN’ LYING NONCE CAHNTS!
Straight up. No word of a lie. Shit fackin' sahnd an' all. This fackin THE SEVENTH SEAL was proper fackin’ old mush. Those two kiddy fiddlin’ Newcastle supporting northern monkeys actually got your old mucker Mystic to pay good fackin’ money to go see a 500 year old film. To be honest, I don’t even know where to start on just how un-farrrrrrrkin-believably shit that film was. From what I could make ‘aht, this fackin’ old cahnt, played by Max Von Shithouse, sits on a fackin’ beach playing chess with an even older slaphead shit-stabber. FOR 2 FARRRRRRKIN’ HOURS. Wot in facks name is all that abaht mush? I mean, no explosions, no fackin’ car chases, no tit or fackin’ minge and, more importantly, NO DANNY FACKIN’ DYER! You wait till I see those two cocoa-shunting wankers. Gave me the right hump it did. If it wasn’t bad enough being made to sit in a fackin’ cinema and watch what is most probably the worst farkin’ film ever made, I had two Oxford wankers sitting behind me givin’ me a running fackin’ commentary throughaht the cahnt.
“Oh, the lighting is so......haunting”
“This is high art. It’s a masterpiece”
“It speaks to me on so many different levels”
“It’s so deep. I think I’m going to cry”
I’ll give you sumfin’ to fackin’ cry abaht you pretentious arse-bandits. And I did. I Kicked seven shades of pony ‘aht of the whining fack-sticks and left the cinema with so much red mist that I went straight home and paralysed the missus wiv a crowbar. Fackin’ women. Mind you mush, that’s fack all compared to what I’ll do next time I see the two faggots that run this SHIT SITE. FACKIN’ STUPID, RIM-JOBBING, PANSY-ARSED, CUM-GUZZLING CAHNTS!
From nah on, I’m only gonna look waaaaaaaaayyyyyy into the farrrrrrrkin’ future to review films. So, to rahnd up THE SEVENTH SEAL. Here is my poster quote for the film.
“Makes you wanna kill students and paralyse the missus with a crowbar!”
MYSTIC REVIEW PIZZA
Kazzam!
ADDENDUM
I bought a fackin’ ticket and sat dahn in me seat like. Nah, the first thing I’ll say is that the cinema woz full of wot people dahn my end of Lahndan call “facking posh wanky faarrrrrkin student cahnts”. All sittin’ there sippin’ their fackin water talking abaht posh shit like “I read this book the other day” blah, blah farrrrrrkin blah. I fackin’ ‘ate students I do. Utter melt cahnts. Anyway, the fackin film. Nah, before I go on wiv my farkin’ review, the two whingy cahnts that run this shit site said that this would be a brand spankin’ remastered print. “It will look sweet Mystic mate” they said. Well.......
IT’S IN BLACK AND FARRRRKIN WHITE YOU FACKIN’ LYING NONCE CAHNTS!
Straight up. No word of a lie. Shit fackin' sahnd an' all. This fackin THE SEVENTH SEAL was proper fackin’ old mush. Those two kiddy fiddlin’ Newcastle supporting northern monkeys actually got your old mucker Mystic to pay good fackin’ money to go see a 500 year old film. To be honest, I don’t even know where to start on just how un-farrrrrrrkin-believably shit that film was. From what I could make ‘aht, this fackin’ old cahnt, played by Max Von Shithouse, sits on a fackin’ beach playing chess with an even older slaphead shit-stabber. FOR 2 FARRRRRRKIN’ HOURS. Wot in facks name is all that abaht mush? I mean, no explosions, no fackin’ car chases, no tit or fackin’ minge and, more importantly, NO DANNY FACKIN’ DYER! You wait till I see those two cocoa-shunting wankers. Gave me the right hump it did. If it wasn’t bad enough being made to sit in a fackin’ cinema and watch what is most probably the worst farkin’ film ever made, I had two Oxford wankers sitting behind me givin’ me a running fackin’ commentary throughaht the cahnt.
“This is high art. It’s a masterpiece”
“It speaks to me on so many different levels”
“It’s so deep. I think I’m going to cry”
I’ll give you sumfin’ to fackin’ cry abaht you pretentious arse-bandits. And I did. I Kicked seven shades of pony ‘aht of the whining fack-sticks and left the cinema with so much red mist that I went straight home and paralysed the missus wiv a crowbar. Fackin’ women. Mind you mush, that’s fack all compared to what I’ll do next time I see the two faggots that run this SHIT SITE. FACKIN’ STUPID, RIM-JOBBING, PANSY-ARSED, CUM-GUZZLING CAHNTS!
From nah on, I’m only gonna look waaaaaaaaayyyyyy into the farrrrrrrkin’ future to review films. So, to rahnd up THE SEVENTH SEAL. Here is my poster quote for the film.
“Makes you wanna kill students and paralyse the missus with a crowbar!”
MYSTIC REVIEW PIZZA
Kazzam!
ADDENDUM
| Just a quick naht from Barbara, Ms. Mystic Pizza. Nah you might be thinkin', why do I stay with this 'orrible misogynistic wife-pummelling cunt ov a pizza? You might be wonderin' why I put up with the constant battering with a pizza box or all the times he rubbed parmesan in me wounds. You might think 'at. But I laaav the cunt. And more importantly, he can see into da farkin' future! Can your husband see into da farkin' future? NAH, HE FARKIN' CANT, YOU CAHNT. Of course, I wish I could see into da farkin' future cos then I'd know when I was abaht to get another farkin' pastin'. Anyway, I'm off to tend to me wounds and re-apply me makeup. I might even flick me chilli bean to Danny Dyer while da trouble and strife is passed out in front of his goggle box. 'Ee fucking loves him some STREETHAWK, the dirty cockney seer of da future. |  |
Labels: Cunt, Mystic Review Pizza
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