Sneaky Script Excerpt: Meet The Spartans

Occasionally, we here at 2AM Towers (Fuck off, Ooshka!) get a WORLD EXCLUSIVE passed through our sweaty, hairy palms. Something so exciting that it would go RIGHT OVER the heads of the big-wig sites out there. Something so pulse-poundingly riveting that it needs to be sneaked out via the back-door that is our shitty site. Well, today is not one of those days. Today is the exact opposite of that day. In fact, if one of those days was finding Scarlett Johannsen gagged and bound and lubed-up, then today would be like waking up with a hang-over next to Michelle Rodriguez.

Today we got a copy of the MEET THE SPARTANS script pushed through our letter-box. In an envelope that seemed to be smeared in shit. And on fire. If you don't know about MEET THE SPARTANS, you are lucky. Imagine the worst, laziest, oxygen-deficient piece of cinematic "parody" the world has ever seen and then times that by ten. And add a million. After seeing the trailer, my entire family shat egg whites for a week. And the family dog talked hebrew at half twelve every day for two minutes. It's that bad. I don't give a shit if you parody some shitty teen horror movie, but taking the piss out of 300? You might as well run through every charva estate in the UK with an "I FUCKED MADDY" t-shirt and a child's doll strapped to your cock... that's how badly people are going to hurt you.

Anyway, here's a choice excerpt from the script -

EXT. STONE PATH - SOMEWHERE IN GREECE - NIGHT A group of swarthy Spartan warriors gather up the corpses of their fallen victims and pile them in a mound. SPARTAN #1 and SPARTAN #2 banter as they throw the dead higher and higher up the burgeoning wall. SPARTAN #1Ha ha, verily I did school your ass back then during that fine battle. SPARTAN #2Forsooth, varmin, you talk nonsense. And your mater is so fat, she has to wear a "Wide Load" sign. SPARTAN #1Why that is nothing, Spartan warrior man, your motherial unit is so poor, she can't afford to pay attention. Verily. Suddenly, Paris Hilton walks out from behind the pile of corpses carrying a small dog in a handbag. PARISOh my god, this is like soooo whatever. You guys are totally, like, over and that. Paris walks off behind the corpses again. Leonidas approaches. As he walks up to them, he accidentally trips over an errant duck and falls on his face. The two Spartans exchange comical glances and carry on piling corpses.

And another bit from the script as well -

EXT. SMALL VALLEY - SOMEWHERE ELSE IN GREECE - DAY The amassed ranks of the Spartan army gather in tight phalanx formation in between the high narrow walls of the [Could somebody check out, like, which country this thing is set in? AC] Valley. They hold their shields before them and point their spears towards the onrushing hordes of Persian soldiers charging them. It looks like certain defeat, but Leonidas turns to address his troops. LEONIDASI know what you're thinking, men, that this is certain doom. That we will die verily before the might of this giant army... But you're wrong! For tonight, we shall prove our worth and send their souls to Hell. For tonight... We dine... Leonidas spins to camera and produces a Big Mac and Fries. LEONIDAS..In MacDonalds! The entire Spartan army pulls out various meal deals from MacDonalds and tucks in to the tasty treats. From out of a cave in the valley walls, Lindsay Lohan stumbles out, looking confused. LINDSAYOh my god, you guys are so, like, bitches and shit. I totally, like, hate you guys. So, whatever, like, dude... She walks off. Leonidas finishes his burger and strolls back to the front of the army. On the way there, he accidentally trips over a duck and falls flat on his face. A bunch of Spartan soldiers giggle under their breaths.

Oh wait, it gets worse! This is the last excerpt as I don't want to spoil it -

INT. SPARTAN COUNCIL CHAMBERS - SPARTA - NIGHT Queen [Jesus, who thought of doing this as a period piece? I have to do fucking RESEARCH and shit! AC] Somethingorother addresses the amassed Spartan council of old men in togas and stuff. [Watch some I, CLAUDIUS and copy that. AC] Anyway, she steps up. Maybe shows a bit of titty. QUEENI come before you, oh wise nobles of Sparta, to beg to help my husband in his hour of need. In our country's hour of need. It is very important you-- She is cut off by a mobile phone ringing in the counsel. It plays Rihanna's "Umbrella". A fusty old man answers and has an argument with his wife. OLD MANYeah, I told you, it's council day! [beat] I know, we gotta debate and shit. It's awfully dull. [beat] Just put my dinner in the oven and I'll reheat it when I get in. [beat] Oh, and make sure you Tivo HOW IT'S MADE for me. He puts his phone away. The Queen sighs and is about to continue when Leslie Nielsen runs out from the side of the hall, looking confused. LESLIEGoddamnit, they don't pay me enough for this shit! I was in AIRPLANE, for god's sake! He runs off, but trips over a confused duck. The council laughs at him.

There's more comedy gold in them thar comedy hills than you can shake a big shitty, comedy stick at! MEET THE SPARTANS? SHIT THE SPARTANS, more like.