Pointless Fucking Remakes #1: Taxi
Inside the dimly lit neuronal hallways of my brain, there are a specific collection of keywords which, when triggered via the ears or the eyes, will create autonomic responses I can no longer control than Robin Williams can control breathing (Despite everybody wishing he could). Earlier today, two of those keywords triggered - "Queen Latifah" and "re-make" - and my brain gave up everything else it was doing in order to write this post. And also shout "Fuckty-cunt-thighs!" several times before being asked to leave Mothercare.
Despite Luc Besson going a bit off the rails in recent years, he is - and let's never forget this - the man who made LEON. Or THE PROFESSIONAL if you're in the Formerly British States Of America. LEON is the greatest film ever made with Jean Reno as an assassin. Jean Reno will never make a better film where he plays an assassin. It also has jailbait Portman. And a man hanging upside-down from the ceiling firing two guns at armed police officers. Yes, it is ace. And one of the good things Besson did with this success was exec produce a load of other films in his native country - one of which being the mentalistic car-chase and gun-fight wank fantasy of TAXI. One of the highlights of my one and only trip to Paris was not seeing the Eiffel Tower while snow gently fell or standing a few mere feet away from the Mona Lisa or successfully ordering a drink without being called a cunt in French... No, it was seeing the taxi from one of the TAXI films on display in this bizarre showroom-cum-shop-cum-museum on the Champs Ellysee. I am a sad chatte. (Thank you, Google Translate!)
But then they decided to remake the film with fucking Queen La-fucking-tifah and *deep breath* *deep breath* Jimmy Cu-fucking-Fallon. Who are both, pardon my French, massive, massive chattes. I mean, they are tres, tres chatte-y. They are the grandest chattes of the entire monde. And so are the film-makers of this merde-sandwich of a cinematic outing. A fucking comedy? A FUCKING COMEDY? OK, that's fine, maybe you should have hired some FUCKING COMEDIANS then? Maybe? And, oh my god, I just had to check IMDB to see who was responsible and it was Tim Super-Shower-Of-Chattes Story, the man responsible for fucking up Fantastic Four. God, I hate you even more now. What are you going to do next? Decide that video my mum made of my fifth birthday was a bit dull so it needs an Owen Wilson cameo? You utter shower of merde, I hope you catch AIDS from a baguette.
The only way I can possibly see me ever calming down about this is if Luc Besson makes a sequel to LEON where Jean Reno has to hunt down everybody involved in the TAXI remake and kill them. Over and over again. Until they get the message.
CHATTES!
Despite Luc Besson going a bit off the rails in recent years, he is - and let's never forget this - the man who made LEON. Or THE PROFESSIONAL if you're in the Formerly British States Of America. LEON is the greatest film ever made with Jean Reno as an assassin. Jean Reno will never make a better film where he plays an assassin. It also has jailbait Portman. And a man hanging upside-down from the ceiling firing two guns at armed police officers. Yes, it is ace. And one of the good things Besson did with this success was exec produce a load of other films in his native country - one of which being the mentalistic car-chase and gun-fight wank fantasy of TAXI. One of the highlights of my one and only trip to Paris was not seeing the Eiffel Tower while snow gently fell or standing a few mere feet away from the Mona Lisa or successfully ordering a drink without being called a cunt in French... No, it was seeing the taxi from one of the TAXI films on display in this bizarre showroom-cum-shop-cum-museum on the Champs Ellysee. I am a sad chatte. (Thank you, Google Translate!)
But then they decided to remake the film with fucking Queen La-fucking-tifah and *deep breath* *deep breath* Jimmy Cu-fucking-Fallon. Who are both, pardon my French, massive, massive chattes. I mean, they are tres, tres chatte-y. They are the grandest chattes of the entire monde. And so are the film-makers of this merde-sandwich of a cinematic outing. A fucking comedy? A FUCKING COMEDY? OK, that's fine, maybe you should have hired some FUCKING COMEDIANS then? Maybe? And, oh my god, I just had to check IMDB to see who was responsible and it was Tim Super-Shower-Of-Chattes Story, the man responsible for fucking up Fantastic Four. God, I hate you even more now. What are you going to do next? Decide that video my mum made of my fifth birthday was a bit dull so it needs an Owen Wilson cameo? You utter shower of merde, I hope you catch AIDS from a baguette.
The only way I can possibly see me ever calming down about this is if Luc Besson makes a sequel to LEON where Jean Reno has to hunt down everybody involved in the TAXI remake and kill them. Over and over again. Until they get the message.
CHATTES!
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