Crabman Ponders Rob Zombie's Remake Of HALLOWEEN

I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do this but after watching Rob Zombie’s remake of HALLOWEEN last week I feel I have to say a few things about it but you’ll have to excuse me if this post is neither informative or funny. Any regular readers will know of my total disgust towards POINTLESS FUCKING REMAKES. The past few years have seen remakes of THE OMEN, THE HILLS HAVE EYES and THE FOG, to name but a few and quite frankly 99.99% of them have been fucking lazy abortions of the originals. I have said before that I have no problem whatsoever with remaking films that didn’t work the first time around but to keep rehashing well loved classics is not only pointless but fucking irritating.

John Carpenter’s original 1978 HALLOWEEN was a film I grew up with and loved and I still watch it at least twice a year, once always on Halloween night. Have done for years. Carpenter crafted a lean, atmospheric and shit-your-pants scary film from a budget that these days wouldn’t even pay for Chris Tucker’s brain medicine. Michael Myers was quite possibly the scariest motherfucker I had ever seen on film when I was a kid and he still is. In Carpenter’s original. It is and will probably always be one of my favourite horror films of all time. Its PERFECT. There has been six sequels (not including HALLOWEEN III) and never before has the law of diminishing returns ever been so aptly applied. The franchise reached a true low in HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION when Busta Rhymes roundhouse kicks Myers in the head. What. The. Fuck? To be honest, apart form HALLOWEEN II, I had pretty much given up on the whole franchise but I still have the perfect original to cherish. I remember saying to a few mates last year that there are some films that Hollywood wouldn’t dare remake. THE EXORCIST, JAWS and ,of course, HALLOWEEN. So, imagine my complete fucking exasperation when it was announced that the always savvy Weinstein brothers had brought Rob Zombie on board to “re-imagine” Carpenter’s flawless original.

Now, I’ll start of by saying that I have only seen the WORKPRINT that was leaked online last week which was Zombie’s original vision that was shown to test audiences earlier in the year. The theatrical version, released in America last Friday has had some alterations to it demanded by the studio and from what I've read the WORKPRINT is superior. Unbelievably so. That's yet another major clusterfuck from the Weinsteins. Fat cunts.

The first 30 minutes deals with the ten year old Michael Myers played by "creepy looking" newcomer Daeg Faerch. He's shown to have a “shit life”. His mother is a stripper. His mother’s boyfriend is an alcoholic bully. His sister is a slag. He gets bullied at school. The Myers house is the only shit-hole in the entire neighbourhood. He has no friends and, oh yeah, he kills his pet rats with a knife. It really is the stupidest, most ill-advised opening to a film I have seen in a long time. I’m guessing that Zombie was attempting to explain why Michael Myers becomes the monster he does but in reality all he has done is just miss the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT. Michael Myers gave me nightmares as a kid for a very good reason. He WAS the boogeyman. Pure evil. Unstoppable and relentless, any explanation as to why he kills would just make him less scary. What we don’t understand, we fear. Zombie fucked up. Good start.



The film moves forward to Michael being transferred to a “secure” sanatorium after he brutally kills his mother’s boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend. He can’t remember committing the murders and doesn’t understand why he has been locked up. Step forward Malcolm Mcdowell playing the part of Dr Sam Loomis so memorably played by Donald Pleasence in the original. First of all, I like Malcolm Mcdowell and I did think that he was quite an inspired piece of casting for this remake but he’s fucking terrible in this film. I place the blame squarely at Rob Zombie for this. The dialogue he has to work with is awful and to be honest, Zombie can’t direct actors. He can’t direct at all actually. Loomis spends a good few years trying to get through to Michael after he kills a nurse with a fork that he had handy and becomes a mute. Instead of talking, Michael makes and wears a series of masks to convey his mood. Loomis gives up, turns into a fucking bell-end and writes a book all about Myers. UTTER WANK!

15 YEARS LATER

Michael is now a seven foot monster of a man and still, understandably, locked up. Late one night, two stereotypical redneck arseholes that work the nightshift decide to rape one of the female inmates. In Myers cell. With him in it. Because, of course, if I was wanting to rape a mentally disturbed woman in the dead of night, where better to do it than in a seven foot tall, homicidal maniac's cell all the while taunting said homicidal maniac and LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN! He escapes. Obviously. This “secure” unit is nothing of the fucking sort. He wanders outside with one of his masks on and trots off down the road. Zombie, you are trying MY FUCKING PATIENCE.

From here on in, Zombie just let’s Michael loose on the town of Haddonfield killing pretty much everyone he can find but there is zero tension. It’s not scary and quite frankly, for a film pretending to be HALLOWEEN, it’s a fucking disgrace. In the original, Myers loomed out of shadows, appeared from nowhere but all the time remaining omnipresent. Wherever you hid, the creepy cunt would just appear. SCARY. Zombie has Myers just wander form house to house for no other reason than to show another gratuitous tit shot or slicing of a throat. Any fans of the original will remember a complete lack of blood. I haven’t got a problem with gore. Or tits. Quite the opposite actually. But if you really must remake HALLOWEEN please make sure you do the following.

MAKE IT SCARY YOU STUPID CUNT. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE.

I could go on and on about what’s wrong with this film but I won’t. Actually, I think I will.

• The beginning
  
• The script is awful
  
• The acting is atrocious. Even, as mentioned earlier, Malcolm Mcdowell.
  
• The teenage girls are all now one dimensional BRATZ rejects. You actually want them to die.
  
• The middle.
  
• Michael Myers looks like a fucking wanky grunge rock cunt.
  
• Zombie uses that fucking awful “shaky cam” effect. Yawn.
  
• Michael Myers is made out to be a sympathetic psycho killer. ???????????
  
• Zombie really needs to stop putting his stupid fucking wife in his films. She’s rubbish.
  
• The majority of the film makes no sense whatsoever.
  
• The end. Which really is unbelievably bad.

The only two things I like about this cunt of a remake was the music and Myers’ mask. Both of which were in the original film in the first place. So, WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT? I’m afraid I can’t answer that for you. Feel free to check out the WORKPRINT here and save yourself some cash when it eventually opens here in October. Be quick though, I have a feeling it won't be online for much longer. As I said before, the cut that's online is the BETTER VERSION which actually makes me wander just how unspeakably bad the theatrical cut is. Suffice to say, it is getting a fucking good kicking from the critics. Good.



Please, Hollywood, stop producing these POINTLESS FUCKING REMAKES. If Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN wasn’t bad enough, I still have the remake of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK to look forward to in 2009. Directed by Len Wiseman.

FUCK. ME. SIDEWAYS.

Pointless Fucking Remakes #4: The Omen

After the success of The Exorcist in 1973, studios were falling over themselves to get on the beelzebub bandwagon. In 1976, 20th Century Fox called upon Richard Donner to direct ‘The Omen’ written by David Seltzer. The rest, of course, is history. The tale of Satan’s son, born of a jackal but brought up by an American ambassador and his wife was a massive success and won Jerry Goldsmith an academy award for his stonkingly creepy score. The film is now, deservedly so, deemed a classic.

I remember first seeing The Omen when I was about 12 years old and quite frankly it shit me right up. The nanny hanging herself at Damien’s birthday party, THAT decapitation, those fuck-scary rottweilers and Billy Whitelaw's cack-inducing nanny from hell (literally) all played out to music that was obviously designed to make shit fall out of your arse and into your pants. Great stuff. Richard Donner’s assured direction earned him his next gig, directing Superman:The Movie. OK, it’s not up there with The Exorcist in terms of quality but just for it's pure, pulpy nonsense it was fantastic . It certainly couldn’t be improved upon.

SO WHY FUCKING REMAKE IT?

Some twat at 20th Century Fox obviously had the great idea to remake it simply because the date 06.06.06 was looming as indeed that was when it was eventually released worldwide. Yes, the remake was designed around a stupid fucking marketing device that was so cynical it beggared belief. The studio would have us believe that the time was ripe for a remake, to bring the story to a new audience while updating it for a post 9/11 world. Bollocks. The “new” audience can, quite honestly, fuck off. Watch the original you fucking morons. “But, isn’t The Omen 30 years old? I bet it's well shit. Let’s go see American Pie 8: Flute up my Arse” Arghhhh.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg as to what’s wrong with this pointless fucking remake. Here’s a few example of it’s utter shitness.

• It was directed by John Moore who’s previous remake of Flight of the Phoenix was also complete shit.
  
  
• The character originally played by the beautiful and talented Lee Remick is now being played by...........Julia Stiles. Please, fuck right off with that shit. She’s rubbish.
  
  
• Liev Shreiber is about as convincing an American ambassador as I am a full-on porn swordsman and has about 0.002% of Gregory Peck’s charisma and screen presence.
  
  
• David Thewlis should know better.
  
  
• So should Pete Postlethwaite.
  
  
• The kid playing Damien has a constant “evil” look on his face therefore completely fucking up the whole “the kid doesn’t know he is the son of Satan” idea which made it so scary in the first place. Also, he's not creepy. In the fucking slightest. Nice casting there folks. Dickheads.
  
  
• It has pointless dream sequences in it.
  
  
• Mia Farrow is NOT Billie Whitelaw and never fucking will be.
  
  
• The score is generic and forgettable. If you really have to remake The Omen then at least keep Goldsmith’s score you clueless rim-jimmys.
  
  
• IT ISN’T REMOTELY SCARY OR UNSETTLING!

But, worst of all, the remake follows the original almost word for word including all the infamous death scenes. Now, can somebody please explain to me the point of remaking an already great film then doing absolutely fuck all new with it except giving it slicker visuals and better sound because I am at a complete fucking loss here. It was almost as bad as Gus Van Sant’s stupendously pointless and near heretical shot-for-shot ‘Psycho’ remake of which I’m sure I will be posting something about in the near future.

I could go on and on about why I hated this remake but you can’t be arse to read anymore and I can’t be arsed to write anymore.

Up yours!

Pointless Fucking Remakes #3: BREAKING NEWS! Sort Of.

News came forth yesterday that Hollywood’s number one Cheddar-Bell, Paul W S Anderson, is to remake The Long Good Friday with the aid of a $50 million budget. Now, the problems with this are ten-fold but first of all that film is a bona-fide British classic and one that is cherished by millions not least myself. It’s a fucking great film. Gritty, violent and very much a product of its time being set during the Thatcher years and the rise of big time capitalism. It features without a doubt Bob Hoskin’s greatest ever performance. And yes, that includes Hook. Just watch his face in the closing scene being driven away by the dastardly IRA. Not a word spoken but every emotion is portrayed. It’s truly stunning. British cinema classics don’t come around very often but ‘Friday’ is up there with the best of them.

So WHY in the name of Cunty McAxe-Wound has some retard given PAUL W. S. ANDERSON THE JOB OF REMAKING IT? Fucking shithead. Anyone not familar with Anderson should first of all not get him confused with the genius Paul Thomas Anderson, he who wrote and directed the awesome Boogie Nights and the sprawling Magnolia. No, W. S. Anderson is the douche-bag cocoa-shunter who gave us such cinematic delights as the Resident Evil series, Alien VS Predator,(how did you fuck that concept up?) Soldier (a rare Kurt Russell stinker), oh, and he is in preproduction with ANOTHER remake , Death Race 2000. God have mercy on us all.

If it wasn’t bad enough that ‘Friday’ is being remade at all AND by a complete fucking moron, Anderson has, in his infinite wisdom, decided to move the action from the London Docklands to............Miami. ???????????????

And just to make sure my blood pressure hits 2000 mmHg systolic over 980 mmHg diastolic, they have confirmed the cast as follows.

Harold Shand: Gerard Butler
Victoria Shand: Beyonce Knowles
Colin: Gerard Butler
Razors: Lance Henrikson
Jeff: Gerard Butler
Harold’s Mother: Gerard Butler
Parky: Orlando Bloom
Eric: Gerard Butler
The gay IRA bloke originally played by Pierce Brosnan: Pierce Brosnan.

ABSOLUTE. FUCKING. DISGRACE!

Remakes? I shit 'em.

Pointless Fucking Remakes #2: John Carpenter Films

I used to idolise John Carpenter as a kid. Him being the man who gave me such treasures as The Thing, Halloween, The Fog, Escape From New York and to a lesser extent Big Trouble in Little China. I grew up with those films and loved them with a passion. I still do actually. But, just as I have now come to realise that George Lucas is nothing more than a fat, greedy, uninspired, talentless, bean counting capitalist cunt, I now harbour similar feelings towards Carpenter. Why? Simple really. John Carpenter died in the year 1988. The John Carpenter I know and love anyway. The year that They Live was released. Great film, hugely underrated but alas it was to be the last film that Carpenter would make that didn't turn out to be the cinematic equivalent of white dog shit. Remember white dog shit?



Yep, Carpenter lost his movie mojo a loooong time ago and that makes me very sad indeed. “Hardly makes him a cunt though does it?” I hear you say. Hold on. Many great directors who started out in the seventies have since lost it. William Friedkin, Francis Ford Coppola, Brian De Palma (Mission Impossible aside) and Michael Cimino to name but a few but I don’t deem any of those directors to be cunts. Ok, maybe Coppola. And Friedkin (did we really need 59 different versions of The Exorcist you twat). Oh, and possibly De Palma. Ok, Ok. They are all washed up coffin-dodging shit kickers but Carpenter has since become a cunt of almost Ricky Martin proportions.

It seems that Carpenter can no longer get funding for his pet projects anymore. Probably due to the fact that even a B-list studio like Miramax realises that the world really doesn’t need to see ‘Vampires 12: Fuck Nuggets’. Who was once a beacon for original independent cinema with a knack for creating timeless cult favourites is now just another tired old hippy with absolutely nothing new to bring to the table. So, in his desperation he has decided to let any manner of shithead REMAKE ALL OF HIS FILMS. Fucking sell-out prick.

I hate the majority of remakes anyway but the thought of a “re-imagining” of any one of my cherished Carpenter classics makes me want to invade Poland. Again. Anyone reading this who had the misfortune to see the remake of Assault on Precinct 13 will agree. It was stinkier than a felching session with Nick Nolte. It had Morpheus from the fucking Matrix in it for fucks sake. AND Ethan bastard Hawke. Total shit. And anyone sending smug emails explaining that Assault was itself a remake being based on Rio Bravo can piss off. You are wrong. Petty cunts.

And what about that new version of The Fog. Two words. TOM. WELLING. Arrrgghh! I’ve taken scarier baths. Another fine example of pandering to the lowest common denominator. The teen market. And you know what? Carpenter even helped produce that fucking disgrace. Nice one.

Of course it doesn’t stop there. No siree. Later this year we will be honoured with Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween. Eh? Remake THE seminal slasher film? One of my favourites? A film that was perfect? If you are reading this Mr Zombie please be aware that you have upset me. BADLY. But I’m sorry that you will not be receiving my lovingly wrapped box of cat shit with a side order of anthrax because you neglected to post your home address on your SHITTY MYSPACE PAGE. And I’m pretty sure that is not your real name either. Dickhead. House of 1000 Corpses was wank and I couldn’t even finish watching The Devils Rejects. Just thought I’d mention that. Wannabe motherfucker. Stick to writing cunty, emo, self-harming lullabies. Please. Oh, Carpenter is an advisor on this remake as well by the way. Rug muncher!

But that’s not even the worst of it. No. Apparently the year 2009 will provide us all with an obviously much needed remake of..........The Thing. My favourite film of ALL TIME. A perfect film in every way and one that could only possibly be made better if someone invaded Cuba at the end of it. Again, no stupid comments about how The Thing is in itself a remake of the 1951 film ‘The Thing From Another World’ please because I am well aware of the fact but I have said before that I don’t have a problem with remaking films that were shit in the first place. So shut the fuck up.



There are no details as yet about this remake but I’m all but convinced that it will have Sarah Michelle Gellar in it and probably even that annoying ginger fucktard who stuck a trumpet up her twat in American Pie. Heaven help me. If the “kids” want to go and see a newer version of The Thing then go and watch The Faculty. Its a blatant fucking rip off. Or homage as Robert Rodriguez would have us believe. GET YOUR OWN FUCKING IDEAS. And Capenter will no doubt be a consultant on the project. Ker-ching! Go fuck your mother JC and stop making me hate everything. And I haven’t even mentioned the upcoming big budget remake of Escape From New York with Gerard Butler playing Snake Plisskin. No, I’m am saving that for an entirely separate post in the future. Mainly because I am now finding it extremely difficult to type with one hand as my other hand is too busy filling Fed-Ex parcels with cat shit. I’m on a mission. From God.

Pointless Fucking Remakes #1: Taxi

Inside the dimly lit neuronal hallways of my brain, there are a specific collection of keywords which, when triggered via the ears or the eyes, will create autonomic responses I can no longer control than Robin Williams can control breathing (Despite everybody wishing he could). Earlier today, two of those keywords triggered - "Queen Latifah" and "re-make" - and my brain gave up everything else it was doing in order to write this post. And also shout "Fuckty-cunt-thighs!" several times before being asked to leave Mothercare.

Despite Luc Besson going a bit off the rails in recent years, he is - and let's never forget this - the man who made LEON. Or THE PROFESSIONAL if you're in the Formerly British States Of America. LEON is the greatest film ever made with Jean Reno as an assassin. Jean Reno will never make a better film where he plays an assassin. It also has jailbait Portman. And a man hanging upside-down from the ceiling firing two guns at armed police officers. Yes, it is ace. And one of the good things Besson did with this success was exec produce a load of other films in his native country - one of which being the mentalistic car-chase and gun-fight wank fantasy of TAXI. One of the highlights of my one and only trip to Paris was not seeing the Eiffel Tower while snow gently fell or standing a few mere feet away from the Mona Lisa or successfully ordering a drink without being called a cunt in French... No, it was seeing the taxi from one of the TAXI films on display in this bizarre showroom-cum-shop-cum-museum on the Champs Ellysee. I am a sad chatte. (Thank you, Google Translate!)

But then they decided to remake the film with fucking Queen La-fucking-tifah and *deep breath* *deep breath* Jimmy Cu-fucking-Fallon. Who are both, pardon my French, massive, massive chattes. I mean, they are tres, tres chatte-y. They are the grandest chattes of the entire monde. And so are the film-makers of this merde-sandwich of a cinematic outing. A fucking comedy? A FUCKING COMEDY? OK, that's fine, maybe you should have hired some FUCKING COMEDIANS then? Maybe? And, oh my god, I just had to check IMDB to see who was responsible and it was Tim Super-Shower-Of-Chattes Story, the man responsible for fucking up Fantastic Four. God, I hate you even more now. What are you going to do next? Decide that video my mum made of my fifth birthday was a bit dull so it needs an Owen Wilson cameo? You utter shower of merde, I hope you catch AIDS from a baguette.



The only way I can possibly see me ever calming down about this is if Luc Besson makes a sequel to LEON where Jean Reno has to hunt down everybody involved in the TAXI remake and kill them. Over and over again. Until they get the message.

CHATTES!

Remake This!

Hollywood has been remaking films for decades. It’s nothing new. So why does it all of a sudden seem like there is a remake of a classic film released every fucking month? Particularly horror remakes. Now, I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with studios remaking a film that was a bit shit in the first place. Oceans Eleven springs to mind. Original was shite, the remake was really rather good. Or John Carpenters ‘The Thing’ which happens to be one of my favourite films all time. However, what I DO object to is Hollywood remaking films that were perfect in the first place and can in no way be improved upon and the only reason these dumbfuck executives decide to do pointless remakes is to pander to the stupid fucking ADD riddled teen market, most of whom would probably tell you that they thought ‘The Exorcist’ wasn’t scary (remake that film at your peril Michael Bay) and it was more funny if anything. Fucking ignorant twats. I could, in theory, sit down and write a very positive piece about remakes that really worked but I’m not here to be all nice and shit. I am a cynical, grumpy, bitter, judgemental old lager-bot, so over time both DasGeordie and myself will be ripping into remakes that really shouldn’t have been made but this is just a quicky that I had to post due to the fact I woke up with the toothache/hangover from hell and I am in a particularly grumpy mood. Just for a fucking change.

Whenever I have an aneurism caused by news of yet another shitty remake DasGeordie will say some shit like “look Crabman, if you don’t like these remakes then don't go to fucking see them you perma-moaning rim jimster” Fuck that shit. That's not the point you ponderously pragmatic marmite highwayman. The point is there must be thousands of original scripts out there that would make great fucking films but that seems to be too risky for the studios. Just today I read news that the classic 80’s Steve Martin comedy ‘All Of Me’ is to be remade starring Queen Latifah. Give me a fucking break. As I’m writing this there is probably a room full of studio bigwigs sitting round a table somewhere having a conversation that will be going something like this.

Fuck-nut 1: “We have to start thinking about our big summer releases for next year. Any thoughts?”

Fuck-nut 2: “I have a stack of original scripts written by promising new talent on my desk”

Fuck-nut 3: “Hmm, originality huh? Risky that. Anybody got a safer bet”

Michael Bay: “We could remake JAWS”

Fuck-nut 1: “GENIUS! Shia LeBeouf as Brody, Matthew Lillard as Hooper and Vin Diesel as Quint. Oh, and do you think we could get Freddy Prinze Jnr on board to play the shark?”

Michael Bay: “Last time I saw Freddy he was eating out of a dumpster so I reckon he’ll jump at the chance”

All Fuck-nuts: “YAY!!!!!”

And so begins the end of western civilisation as we know it.