Remake This!
Hollywood has been remaking films for decades. It’s nothing new. So why does it all of a sudden seem like there is a remake of a classic film released every fucking month? Particularly horror remakes. Now, I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with studios remaking a film that was a bit shit in the first place. Oceans Eleven springs to mind. Original was shite, the remake was really rather good. Or John Carpenters ‘The Thing’ which happens to be one of my favourite films all time. However, what I DO object to is Hollywood remaking films that were perfect in the first place and can in no way be improved upon and the only reason these dumbfuck executives decide to do pointless remakes is to pander to the stupid fucking ADD riddled teen market, most of whom would probably tell you that they thought ‘The Exorcist’ wasn’t scary (remake that film at your peril Michael Bay) and it was more funny if anything. Fucking ignorant twats. I could, in theory, sit down and write a very positive piece about remakes that really worked but I’m not here to be all nice and shit. I am a cynical, grumpy, bitter, judgemental old lager-bot, so over time both DasGeordie and myself will be ripping into remakes that really shouldn’t have been made but this is just a quicky that I had to post due to the fact I woke up with the toothache/hangover from hell and I am in a particularly grumpy mood. Just for a fucking change.
Whenever I have an aneurism caused by news of yet another shitty remake DasGeordie will say some shit like “look Crabman, if you don’t like these remakes then don't go to fucking see them you perma-moaning rim jimster” Fuck that shit. That's not the point you ponderously pragmatic marmite highwayman. The point is there must be thousands of original scripts out there that would make great fucking films but that seems to be too risky for the studios. Just today I read news that the classic 80’s Steve Martin comedy ‘All Of Me’ is to be remade starring Queen Latifah. Give me a fucking break. As I’m writing this there is probably a room full of studio bigwigs sitting round a table somewhere having a conversation that will be going something like this.
Fuck-nut 1: “We have to start thinking about our big summer releases for next year. Any thoughts?”
Fuck-nut 2: “I have a stack of original scripts written by promising new talent on my desk”
Fuck-nut 3: “Hmm, originality huh? Risky that. Anybody got a safer bet”
Michael Bay: “We could remake JAWS”
Fuck-nut 1: “GENIUS! Shia LeBeouf as Brody, Matthew Lillard as Hooper and Vin Diesel as Quint. Oh, and do you think we could get Freddy Prinze Jnr on board to play the shark?”
Michael Bay: “Last time I saw Freddy he was eating out of a dumpster so I reckon he’ll jump at the chance”
All Fuck-nuts: “YAY!!!!!”
And so begins the end of western civilisation as we know it.
Whenever I have an aneurism caused by news of yet another shitty remake DasGeordie will say some shit like “look Crabman, if you don’t like these remakes then don't go to fucking see them you perma-moaning rim jimster” Fuck that shit. That's not the point you ponderously pragmatic marmite highwayman. The point is there must be thousands of original scripts out there that would make great fucking films but that seems to be too risky for the studios. Just today I read news that the classic 80’s Steve Martin comedy ‘All Of Me’ is to be remade starring Queen Latifah. Give me a fucking break. As I’m writing this there is probably a room full of studio bigwigs sitting round a table somewhere having a conversation that will be going something like this.
Fuck-nut 1: “We have to start thinking about our big summer releases for next year. Any thoughts?”
Fuck-nut 2: “I have a stack of original scripts written by promising new talent on my desk”
Fuck-nut 3: “Hmm, originality huh? Risky that. Anybody got a safer bet”
Michael Bay: “We could remake JAWS”
Fuck-nut 1: “GENIUS! Shia LeBeouf as Brody, Matthew Lillard as Hooper and Vin Diesel as Quint. Oh, and do you think we could get Freddy Prinze Jnr on board to play the shark?”
Michael Bay: “Last time I saw Freddy he was eating out of a dumpster so I reckon he’ll jump at the chance”
All Fuck-nuts: “YAY!!!!!”
And so begins the end of western civilisation as we know it.
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