Pointless Fucking Remakes #2: John Carpenter Films
I used to idolise John Carpenter as a kid. Him being the man who gave me such treasures as The Thing, Halloween, The Fog, Escape From New York and to a lesser extent Big Trouble in Little China. I grew up with those films and loved them with a passion. I still do actually. But, just as I have now come to realise that George Lucas is nothing more than a fat, greedy, uninspired, talentless, bean counting capitalist cunt, I now harbour similar feelings towards Carpenter. Why? Simple really. John Carpenter died in the year 1988. The John Carpenter I know and love anyway. The year that They Live was released. Great film, hugely underrated but alas it was to be the last film that Carpenter would make that didn't turn out to be the cinematic equivalent of white dog shit. Remember white dog shit?
Yep, Carpenter lost his movie mojo a loooong time ago and that makes me very sad indeed. “Hardly makes him a cunt though does it?” I hear you say. Hold on. Many great directors who started out in the seventies have since lost it. William Friedkin, Francis Ford Coppola, Brian De Palma (Mission Impossible aside) and Michael Cimino to name but a few but I don’t deem any of those directors to be cunts. Ok, maybe Coppola. And Friedkin (did we really need 59 different versions of The Exorcist you twat). Oh, and possibly De Palma. Ok, Ok. They are all washed up coffin-dodging shit kickers but Carpenter has since become a cunt of almost Ricky Martin proportions.
It seems that Carpenter can no longer get funding for his pet projects anymore. Probably due to the fact that even a B-list studio like Miramax realises that the world really doesn’t need to see ‘Vampires 12: Fuck Nuggets’. Who was once a beacon for original independent cinema with a knack for creating timeless cult favourites is now just another tired old hippy with absolutely nothing new to bring to the table. So, in his desperation he has decided to let any manner of shithead REMAKE ALL OF HIS FILMS. Fucking sell-out prick.
I hate the majority of remakes anyway but the thought of a “re-imagining” of any one of my cherished Carpenter classics makes me want to invade Poland. Again. Anyone reading this who had the misfortune to see the remake of Assault on Precinct 13 will agree. It was stinkier than a felching session with Nick Nolte. It had Morpheus from the fucking Matrix in it for fucks sake. AND Ethan bastard Hawke. Total shit. And anyone sending smug emails explaining that Assault was itself a remake being based on Rio Bravo can piss off. You are wrong. Petty cunts.
And what about that new version of The Fog. Two words. TOM. WELLING. Arrrgghh! I’ve taken scarier baths. Another fine example of pandering to the lowest common denominator. The teen market. And you know what? Carpenter even helped produce that fucking disgrace. Nice one.
Of course it doesn’t stop there. No siree. Later this year we will be honoured with Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween. Eh? Remake THE seminal slasher film? One of my favourites? A film that was perfect? If you are reading this Mr Zombie please be aware that you have upset me. BADLY. But I’m sorry that you will not be receiving my lovingly wrapped box of cat shit with a side order of anthrax because you neglected to post your home address on your SHITTY MYSPACE PAGE. And I’m pretty sure that is not your real name either. Dickhead. House of 1000 Corpses was wank and I couldn’t even finish watching The Devils Rejects. Just thought I’d mention that. Wannabe motherfucker. Stick to writing cunty, emo, self-harming lullabies. Please. Oh, Carpenter is an advisor on this remake as well by the way. Rug muncher!
But that’s not even the worst of it. No. Apparently the year 2009 will provide us all with an obviously much needed remake of..........The Thing. My favourite film of ALL TIME. A perfect film in every way and one that could only possibly be made better if someone invaded Cuba at the end of it. Again, no stupid comments about how The Thing is in itself a remake of the 1951 film ‘The Thing From Another World’ please because I am well aware of the fact but I have said before that I don’t have a problem with remaking films that were shit in the first place. So shut the fuck up.
There are no details as yet about this remake but I’m all but convinced that it will have Sarah Michelle Gellar in it and probably even that annoying ginger fucktard who stuck a trumpet up her twat in American Pie. Heaven help me. If the “kids” want to go and see a newer version of The Thing then go and watch The Faculty. Its a blatant fucking rip off. Or homage as Robert Rodriguez would have us believe. GET YOUR OWN FUCKING IDEAS. And Capenter will no doubt be a consultant on the project. Ker-ching! Go fuck your mother JC and stop making me hate everything. And I haven’t even mentioned the upcoming big budget remake of Escape From New York with Gerard Butler playing Snake Plisskin. No, I’m am saving that for an entirely separate post in the future. Mainly because I am now finding it extremely difficult to type with one hand as my other hand is too busy filling Fed-Ex parcels with cat shit. I’m on a mission. From God.
Yep, Carpenter lost his movie mojo a loooong time ago and that makes me very sad indeed. “Hardly makes him a cunt though does it?” I hear you say. Hold on. Many great directors who started out in the seventies have since lost it. William Friedkin, Francis Ford Coppola, Brian De Palma (Mission Impossible aside) and Michael Cimino to name but a few but I don’t deem any of those directors to be cunts. Ok, maybe Coppola. And Friedkin (did we really need 59 different versions of The Exorcist you twat). Oh, and possibly De Palma. Ok, Ok. They are all washed up coffin-dodging shit kickers but Carpenter has since become a cunt of almost Ricky Martin proportions.
It seems that Carpenter can no longer get funding for his pet projects anymore. Probably due to the fact that even a B-list studio like Miramax realises that the world really doesn’t need to see ‘Vampires 12: Fuck Nuggets’. Who was once a beacon for original independent cinema with a knack for creating timeless cult favourites is now just another tired old hippy with absolutely nothing new to bring to the table. So, in his desperation he has decided to let any manner of shithead REMAKE ALL OF HIS FILMS. Fucking sell-out prick.
I hate the majority of remakes anyway but the thought of a “re-imagining” of any one of my cherished Carpenter classics makes me want to invade Poland. Again. Anyone reading this who had the misfortune to see the remake of Assault on Precinct 13 will agree. It was stinkier than a felching session with Nick Nolte. It had Morpheus from the fucking Matrix in it for fucks sake. AND Ethan bastard Hawke. Total shit. And anyone sending smug emails explaining that Assault was itself a remake being based on Rio Bravo can piss off. You are wrong. Petty cunts.
And what about that new version of The Fog. Two words. TOM. WELLING. Arrrgghh! I’ve taken scarier baths. Another fine example of pandering to the lowest common denominator. The teen market. And you know what? Carpenter even helped produce that fucking disgrace. Nice one.
Of course it doesn’t stop there. No siree. Later this year we will be honoured with Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween. Eh? Remake THE seminal slasher film? One of my favourites? A film that was perfect? If you are reading this Mr Zombie please be aware that you have upset me. BADLY. But I’m sorry that you will not be receiving my lovingly wrapped box of cat shit with a side order of anthrax because you neglected to post your home address on your SHITTY MYSPACE PAGE. And I’m pretty sure that is not your real name either. Dickhead. House of 1000 Corpses was wank and I couldn’t even finish watching The Devils Rejects. Just thought I’d mention that. Wannabe motherfucker. Stick to writing cunty, emo, self-harming lullabies. Please. Oh, Carpenter is an advisor on this remake as well by the way. Rug muncher!
But that’s not even the worst of it. No. Apparently the year 2009 will provide us all with an obviously much needed remake of..........The Thing. My favourite film of ALL TIME. A perfect film in every way and one that could only possibly be made better if someone invaded Cuba at the end of it. Again, no stupid comments about how The Thing is in itself a remake of the 1951 film ‘The Thing From Another World’ please because I am well aware of the fact but I have said before that I don’t have a problem with remaking films that were shit in the first place. So shut the fuck up.
There are no details as yet about this remake but I’m all but convinced that it will have Sarah Michelle Gellar in it and probably even that annoying ginger fucktard who stuck a trumpet up her twat in American Pie. Heaven help me. If the “kids” want to go and see a newer version of The Thing then go and watch The Faculty. Its a blatant fucking rip off. Or homage as Robert Rodriguez would have us believe. GET YOUR OWN FUCKING IDEAS. And Capenter will no doubt be a consultant on the project. Ker-ching! Go fuck your mother JC and stop making me hate everything. And I haven’t even mentioned the upcoming big budget remake of Escape From New York with Gerard Butler playing Snake Plisskin. No, I’m am saving that for an entirely separate post in the future. Mainly because I am now finding it extremely difficult to type with one hand as my other hand is too busy filling Fed-Ex parcels with cat shit. I’m on a mission. From God.
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