Two Angry Men

So Crabman and I booked our tickets (Middle-middle, naturally), took the day off work and were completely jazzed about the release of SPIDER-MAN 3. I personally believe SPIDER-MAN 2 to be in the top five sequels ever made and the greatest superhero film ever made. Crabman will cringe at this because he's a crusty old fart who likes those shitty dull SUPERMAN films with Christopher Reeve or that BATMAN EXPLAINS bollocks with Katie "Fuck me, I'm awful" Holmes. No, SPIDER-MAN 2 is perfect in every way. So to say I was anticipating SPIDER-MAN 3 a little would be like saying that Terry Waites was "a little anxious" about being unchained from that radiator.

And the reason it has taken me a week to post a review is because I was so INSANELY ANGRY at the fact they'd fucked it up that, well, my first review was just the word "FRERGKKKGkirstendunstSDJHDGJDFD!!!!!!Eleventy-one!" written in size 100 font. Here are, in the Two Angry Men tradition, ten reasons why I hated this film more than Tom Cruise hates women's vaginas.

It's shot by an epileptic - I've never liked the CG Spidey or all that virtual New York bollocks because it removes the natural constraints that physical filming imposes. When allowed to roam free, there's nothing to stop some fucktard special effects virgin spinning the camera round the flailing Stretch Armstrong-in-a-costume that we see so often in lesser films. This film just went ape-shit doolally with them, to the point where I was getting whiplash just following it. In the words of Jeff Goldblum off of JURASSIC PARK, "Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should."
MaryJane Watson is the worst girlfriend ever - She really, really is. And I know Parker's lucky to have a girl who isn't a cross between Jade Goody and ET, but even he can do better than this shrill, gap-toothed, uncaring witch. You're an awful singer, pet, accept it. Whining like a prima donna will not help. Also, when you tell Peter that it's not always about him, you have your own problems, try and remember that your problems amount to not being asked back to sing at a shitty play... Peter's involve ABOUT FOURTEEN SUPERVILLAINS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO KILL HIM AND HIS BODY BEING TAKEN OVER BY AN ALIEN SYMBIOTE. Maybe it should be all about Peter, you selfish bitch. Also, along with the not singing thing, you should also do the not dancing thing ever. The only Twist I want to see you involved in is your fucking neck as Sandman, Green Goblin and Venom take turns making origami Watsons.
Why is Sandman even in this film - I know the film was originally intended to be All Sandman, All The Time, but this is one of those rare times when producer, Avi Arad, was right. Sandman is monkey-cocks. He's worse than that, he's shit-spanners. He's a man... who can turn into sand. The one scene of the film that perfectly evokes how shit he is is when Parker empties his boots of sand with an irritated look. Yes, Sandman has the power to ruin any family beach trip. It hardly compares with having four mechanical arms that can rip people apart, does it? Also, his origin is turbo-shandy shit. He "accidentally" stumbles into a particle testing site? What, no security? And what exactly was the point of this site? It successfully turned sand into... sand. GO, SCIENCE! In the source material, Sandman is just a mook, a dumb thug who got ~~lucky~~ unlucky enough to be turned to sand. Do we need some weak-ass, "Boo-hoo, my daughter is dying" reasoning? NO! The only reason Sandman even stayed in is because Raimi is an old-school nerd and the CG men had some reeeeally cool special effects. I fucking hate CG men.
Harry Osborne's character arc makes no sense - A butler comes forward with some PRETTY FUCKING IMPORTANT information three films after it was useful? A butler who's had barely three lines in all three films. Harry has the WORST kind of selective memory loss I've ever seen. He only forgets all the bits relevant to Peter and his dad? HMMM! That gets a six out of ten on the Chinny Reckon scale. And he mysteriously regains his memory after snogging MaryJane... Ah-hah! It becomes clear, she's fucking Patient Zero of fucking people over. Wherever she goes, people get ass-raped, brain-fucked and emotionally destroyed. If only Peter had known, he would have let Green Goblin throw her off that fucking bridge in the first film. And the final insult to Harry Osborne as a character - he gets half his face blown off by his best mate who "was having a bad day" and decides to help him anyway, thereby signing his death warrant. UH-HUH. That's almost Akiva Goldsman level bad. And if you don't know how bad "the Academy Award-winning" Akiva Goldsman is, look up some of his greatest works on IMDB. His work is as painful as discovering you've got AIDS and then being run over by a bus on the way back from the doctors.
We get, like, five seconds of Venom - Venom is a fan favourite not only because he's pretty fucking cool, but because he's a great idea for a character. He is the anti-Spider-man. He has ultimate power and no responsibility. Even his origin is rubbish - Parker loses a loved one, Brock merely loses his job. He's a petty, spiteful little cunt who is perfect for the evil symbiote. And we get barely half a dozen shots of him in the final battle. There are more shots of Aunt Shitting May than Venom. I mean, to be fair, I would have really only been satisfied if this film started with Venom skull-fucking MaryJane to death before embarking on a two hour romp of destruction. In fact, I have a 120 page screenplay I've knocked up in the last few days entitled THE REAL SPIDER-MAN 3: VENOM FUCKS SHIT UP on my hard-drive if anybody's interested. The scene where Venom makes a guy shit out his colon is Box Office gold.
Aunt May - Just fucking die already.
The criminal under-usage of the Daily Bugle office - Every single time the film cuts to J Jonah Jameson and the staff of the Daily Bugle, you breathe a sigh of relief that something ACTIVELY FUN will happen. Not only is JK Simmons a great comedy performer, even Ted Raimi isn't that insufferable and we have sex-pot on legs, Elizabeth Banks to ~~wank over~~ watch too. In fact, the scenes with Parker and Brock fighting over the job with Jameson in the middle were great. If there'd been more, I'd alllllmooooost believe in Venom. There is not a hope in hell they'd make a Bugle film, but I know I'd fucking watch it. In fact, I have a 240 page screenplay called SPIDER-MAN 4: WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT SPIDER-MAN, HERE'S THE FUNNY MEN in a drawer somewhere.
That English reporter in the final battle - Seriously, dudes, what the fuck? As if it's not hard enough for me to be an Englishman who talks like Hugh Grant, I gotta have shit like that to remind the rest of the world we all talk like the Queen. I would love to have a scouse reporter or a brummie reporter. "By eckee thump, folks, it looks like that thar Spider-maaaan is right up shit-creek, laaaa". Also, she was a terrible actress. And it turns out she's called Lucy Gordon, looks like she's a model (Like the far less terrible Mageina Tovah aka Ursula) and there are absolutely NO muff shots on Google Images. Not even a bit of areola. Even with the Safe Search option set to "I anxiously await an FBI raid".
Raimi has now shot his load on the good villains - Have you seen the lick of the rest of Spider-man's villains? The Lizard is the obvious choice seeing as Peter's helpful college professor, Curt Connors, has been in the last two films and is bereft of arm (In the source material, he tries using genetic technology to grow himself a new arm and ends up turning himself into a giant lizard... Don't ask). He is RUBBISH! Especially with THE INCREDIBLE HULK film featuring The Abomination as a bad guy - who is a bit too similar. Next is Mysterio. He is a man with no powers who wears a goldfish bowl on his head, does magic tricks, is a rubbish version of The Riddler and probably likes to fuck kids. Then there's The Rhino, who is a rubbish version of the Lizard. His one super-power aside from an indestructible rhino suit is that he is retarded. Imagine Joey Deacon with super-powers. TERRIFYING! But not kid friendly... After that, you get to really wank villains like Kraven The Hunter (Like Steve Irwin - and just as dead), Carnage (A crappy x-treme version of Venom), The Vulture (He has the powers of a vulture) and Cunty McFucksYouUp (OK, I made that last one up). Where do you go now, Sony Capitalist Picture Childhood-raping Corporation? EH? EH?
It filled me with impotent nerd rage I swore I would never suffer from again - I can only take the piss out of Crabman so far for his Star Wars problems when I get this angry about A Fucking Spider-Man Film. When the people at the Film Nerd Burn-out Ward said it would be healthy for me to have a hobby, I don't think this is what they meant.

Basically, take your kids to see this film if they want. Anybody else should just go and see 28 WEEKS LATER or THIS IS ENGLAND or fucking WILD HOGS, for that matter.

Well, maybe not WILD HOGS...

DasGeordie