UK Big Brother: The First 24 Hours
Crabman here. Once a year DasGeordie gets more irritable than normal. Fucking furious to be exact. You see, he loves to hate the annual televisual freak show that is Big Brother. He gets so angry in fact that we thought we would expand upon our normal movie related hatery and post some truly offensive offerings over the next 14 weeks that the show will be airing. Trust me when I say that DasGeordie puts my hatery/swearing/misogyny/ to shame when he lets rip. Over to DasGeordie.
It's another round of Spot The Cunt as this year's Regular Big
Brother kicks off in earnest. I watch every year even though I hate the
programme and the contestants with the kind of passion usually reserved
for finding Salma Hayek in your hotel room wearing nothing but KY Jelly
and a come-hither smile. And for that reason, I LOVE to watch it every
year. And in case you missed the first show, here's my minute-by-minute
run-down of the entire thing. In mindnumbingly dull and misogynistic
detail.
9:00pm
Davina Macaw is wearing a T-Birds outfit and looks like your nan on a
night-out down t'Bigg Market. She is becoming a pantomime dame. Yes, we
know it's a fucking walkway, you daft bitch, get on with it! Yes, lots
of ZANY household design choices. Nice one. Which designer cunt got
overpaid to design this? By Series 12, they're going to be velcroed to
the roof to sleep and cooking dinner in an atomic test site in the
garden. I'm getting worried by the length of cable on Davina's handheld
camera, that's a trip hazard. I am a sad fuck...
9:15pm
The diary room chair looks like the cover of NEON BIBLE by Arcade Fire.
Davina looks like she's superimposed on top of it. Dodgy blue screen
effect probably wasn't intended.
Crabman Edit: I think it looks like a chair out of TRON.
9:20pm
First house-mates are 18-year-old twins who are blonde. Instantly
getting the DasGeordie vote. I will hate them after twenty minutes of
listening to their voices. Their car has just broken down. Ha, good
start, Channel Four! Sam & Amanda should come with their names tattooed
on their heads so we can tell them apart. They dressed the same to fuck
with the viewers. Their double-grave stone will bear the eulogy, "More
cock-ends than weekends". They will go out very quickly unless they show
their mimsy's very quickly. Which gets the DasGeordie vote too.
9:25pm
Next is Lesley, your nan. She actually looks like Alan Sugar's sidekick
off THE APPRENTICE with a bit of hair-dye. Deliberate attempt to put
stuffy old woman in with the blondies so she may end up killing them
before the show ends. "Big Brother Bloodbath" - I write headlines for
The Mirror for a small fee. She will go out quickly as she will talk too
much and the mong-fuck viewers won't like her for speaking proper and
reminding them of their nan. The DasGeordie vote has no interest in her
mimsy.
The house design is fucking horrible. I would HATE having to share a bed
with loads of other people, and having the oven in the same room is just
stupid.
The twins already annoy me. The old lady looks dull.
9:30pm
Next is the 21-year-old Charley who is unemployed and yet seems to live
the life that I would admire. She is basically a high class hooker -
accepting free drinks for the occasional "Bend over and I'll just put
the bell-end in, pet, I promise". She is crying at the crowd booing her
so is obviously not as big a girl as she thought. She may get the
audience round to her if she keeps sobbing and showing her nipples.
She'll be presenting Television-X this time next year.
They obviously are doing the whole 12 women thing. Shit.
9:35pm
Tracey is the Pete of this generation of Big Brother contestants, i.e. A
walking advert AGAINST drug abuse. She looks uncannily like a man with
tits. She wears horribly hippy clothes and irritates me more than
anything on the face of God's green Earth. Too many drugs do this kind
of shit to you. GOD, she is so fucking ugly. GOD, I hate hippies. I'm
hoping she'll turn out like that guy off SPACED who starts raving
whenever the kettle turns on. I'm guessing her minge is as ratty as
Terry Waite's allotment. A horrific human being.
9:40pm
Chanelle is the Victoria Beckham wannabe who claims she's always being
told she looks like her. BECAUSE YOU DRESS LIKE HER, YOU STUPID BITCH.
She is one of those girls who can have degrees and good jobs and yet is
still borderline retarded. Very fit, though, but obviously high
maintenance. You'd snort coke off her tits, but never ring her back
unless you were a professional footballer. I doubt she's going to get
her tits out, which doesn't get the DasGeordie vote.
So that's four vacant pretty girls, one mentalist and one old lady.
Hmmm... They've really scraped the barrel this year.
9:45pm
Next is Shazam/Shazbaps/Shabnam who's interesting facet is she's Asian.
I don't know if she's supposed to be the mouthy Makosi one who starts
arguments, but she's not exactly fascinating. Maybe it's going to turn
out she's constructed her face out of play-dough and it can transmogrify
over night into a new form. Like Morph. Otherwise, mouthy bitches don't
last long unless they're also very canny manipulators.
So far, I hate all but one of them. And would definitely bone four of
them.
9:50pm
Emily is the boring version of that posh mental blonde one off SKINS.
She says she looks like Peaches Geldof but I can't remember if I fancy
that Geldof or not. She just said, "There is a new kind of music taking
over the country - indie music." FUCK OFF YOU STUPID YOUNG TRAMP. She
thinks Pete Doherty is an icon and yet says she hates stupid people. She
is now called Oxy Moron. She is trying to be the 'rah' of this year,
because Grace did so well... I would, of course, bang her back to 1988
where she was very, very illegal.
10:00pm
Next is Beth Ditto - Sorry, Laura. She's not only fat and ugly, but
she's Welsh too. God truly taunted this one. If she has ginger pubes,
Darwin will be the next house-mate armed with a shotgun. She will
probably win, because she's Dawn French. She is common, she's simple,
she gives all the saps out there hope that if they're Salt Of The Earth,
they could get selected for the next series. I bet she has a lovely
boyfriend who gardens and works in an office. She's some attractive
bird's best-mate. I.e. The kind of dull people who we should really fill
the house with but will provide no entertainment if we did.
10:05pm
Another dull contestant. Nicky is young, multi-racial and moderately
attractive. She hates men, which is quite good. She sounds bitter. She
must have met the Southern DasGeordie recently, who turned her lezza. I
guess she may well be the Daily Mail reader-baiting "Muslim" kind. She
looks like she's walked in from the audience of Big Brother's Big Mouth
and not from the house-mate's secret hideaway. They're gonna have to end
with a proper weirdo so they haven't peaked too early.
10:10pm
Carole is one of those racist militant lesbians who is a walking
stereotype - Ugly, bearded and probably smelly. She swears a lot which I
like. If she says "cunt" in the first day, she can be my mum. Who nobody
ever sees. She is truly one of the most ugliest women I have ever met.
She and the jaw-chewing ravey-davey type will get on like a house on
fire. Carole is a divorced bi-sexual, i.e. Too ugly to restrict herself
to one group of ugly, desperate fucks. She is textbook zany. If you look
up "zany" in the dictionary, the word next to it rhymes with "punt".
Everybody loves her because she is a bit zany. Because most of the crowd
are punts. The pretty girls inside will not be able to bring themselves
to touch her.
10:15pm
And that's the end of the show. Eleven contestants and three of them are
outright ugly. The rest score a variety on the DasGeordie Sling-One-Up
Scale, but would all qualify. Apparently a man is going in a couple of
days. I hope he is gay to upset all the desperate slags inside. I am
going to sign out now and spend the next hour looking for pictures of
the contestant's mimsy online.
Crabman Edit: This is literally the only picture I could find of Mimsy on the whole internetweb. Sorry.
It's another round of Spot The Cunt as this year's Regular Big
Brother kicks off in earnest. I watch every year even though I hate the
programme and the contestants with the kind of passion usually reserved
for finding Salma Hayek in your hotel room wearing nothing but KY Jelly
and a come-hither smile. And for that reason, I LOVE to watch it every
year. And in case you missed the first show, here's my minute-by-minute
run-down of the entire thing. In mindnumbingly dull and misogynistic
detail.
9:00pm
Davina Macaw is wearing a T-Birds outfit and looks like your nan on a
night-out down t'Bigg Market. She is becoming a pantomime dame. Yes, we
know it's a fucking walkway, you daft bitch, get on with it! Yes, lots
of ZANY household design choices. Nice one. Which designer cunt got
overpaid to design this? By Series 12, they're going to be velcroed to
the roof to sleep and cooking dinner in an atomic test site in the
garden. I'm getting worried by the length of cable on Davina's handheld
camera, that's a trip hazard. I am a sad fuck...
9:15pm
The diary room chair looks like the cover of NEON BIBLE by Arcade Fire.
Davina looks like she's superimposed on top of it. Dodgy blue screen
effect probably wasn't intended.
Crabman Edit: I think it looks like a chair out of TRON.
9:20pm
First house-mates are 18-year-old twins who are blonde. Instantly
getting the DasGeordie vote. I will hate them after twenty minutes of
listening to their voices. Their car has just broken down. Ha, good
start, Channel Four! Sam & Amanda should come with their names tattooed
on their heads so we can tell them apart. They dressed the same to fuck
with the viewers. Their double-grave stone will bear the eulogy, "More
cock-ends than weekends". They will go out very quickly unless they show
their mimsy's very quickly. Which gets the DasGeordie vote too.
9:25pm
Next is Lesley, your nan. She actually looks like Alan Sugar's sidekick
off THE APPRENTICE with a bit of hair-dye. Deliberate attempt to put
stuffy old woman in with the blondies so she may end up killing them
before the show ends. "Big Brother Bloodbath" - I write headlines for
The Mirror for a small fee. She will go out quickly as she will talk too
much and the mong-fuck viewers won't like her for speaking proper and
reminding them of their nan. The DasGeordie vote has no interest in her
mimsy.
The house design is fucking horrible. I would HATE having to share a bed
with loads of other people, and having the oven in the same room is just
stupid.
The twins already annoy me. The old lady looks dull.
9:30pm
Next is the 21-year-old Charley who is unemployed and yet seems to live
the life that I would admire. She is basically a high class hooker -
accepting free drinks for the occasional "Bend over and I'll just put
the bell-end in, pet, I promise". She is crying at the crowd booing her
so is obviously not as big a girl as she thought. She may get the
audience round to her if she keeps sobbing and showing her nipples.
She'll be presenting Television-X this time next year.
They obviously are doing the whole 12 women thing. Shit.
9:35pm
Tracey is the Pete of this generation of Big Brother contestants, i.e. A
walking advert AGAINST drug abuse. She looks uncannily like a man with
tits. She wears horribly hippy clothes and irritates me more than
anything on the face of God's green Earth. Too many drugs do this kind
of shit to you. GOD, she is so fucking ugly. GOD, I hate hippies. I'm
hoping she'll turn out like that guy off SPACED who starts raving
whenever the kettle turns on. I'm guessing her minge is as ratty as
Terry Waite's allotment. A horrific human being.
9:40pm
Chanelle is the Victoria Beckham wannabe who claims she's always being
told she looks like her. BECAUSE YOU DRESS LIKE HER, YOU STUPID BITCH.
She is one of those girls who can have degrees and good jobs and yet is
still borderline retarded. Very fit, though, but obviously high
maintenance. You'd snort coke off her tits, but never ring her back
unless you were a professional footballer. I doubt she's going to get
her tits out, which doesn't get the DasGeordie vote.
So that's four vacant pretty girls, one mentalist and one old lady.
Hmmm... They've really scraped the barrel this year.
9:45pm
Next is Shazam/Shazbaps/Shabnam who's interesting facet is she's Asian.
I don't know if she's supposed to be the mouthy Makosi one who starts
arguments, but she's not exactly fascinating. Maybe it's going to turn
out she's constructed her face out of play-dough and it can transmogrify
over night into a new form. Like Morph. Otherwise, mouthy bitches don't
last long unless they're also very canny manipulators.
So far, I hate all but one of them. And would definitely bone four of
them.
9:50pm
Emily is the boring version of that posh mental blonde one off SKINS.
She says she looks like Peaches Geldof but I can't remember if I fancy
that Geldof or not. She just said, "There is a new kind of music taking
over the country - indie music." FUCK OFF YOU STUPID YOUNG TRAMP. She
thinks Pete Doherty is an icon and yet says she hates stupid people. She
is now called Oxy Moron. She is trying to be the 'rah' of this year,
because Grace did so well... I would, of course, bang her back to 1988
where she was very, very illegal.
10:00pm
Next is Beth Ditto - Sorry, Laura. She's not only fat and ugly, but
she's Welsh too. God truly taunted this one. If she has ginger pubes,
Darwin will be the next house-mate armed with a shotgun. She will
probably win, because she's Dawn French. She is common, she's simple,
she gives all the saps out there hope that if they're Salt Of The Earth,
they could get selected for the next series. I bet she has a lovely
boyfriend who gardens and works in an office. She's some attractive
bird's best-mate. I.e. The kind of dull people who we should really fill
the house with but will provide no entertainment if we did.
10:05pm
Another dull contestant. Nicky is young, multi-racial and moderately
attractive. She hates men, which is quite good. She sounds bitter. She
must have met the Southern DasGeordie recently, who turned her lezza. I
guess she may well be the Daily Mail reader-baiting "Muslim" kind. She
looks like she's walked in from the audience of Big Brother's Big Mouth
and not from the house-mate's secret hideaway. They're gonna have to end
with a proper weirdo so they haven't peaked too early.
10:10pm
Carole is one of those racist militant lesbians who is a walking
stereotype - Ugly, bearded and probably smelly. She swears a lot which I
like. If she says "cunt" in the first day, she can be my mum. Who nobody
ever sees. She is truly one of the most ugliest women I have ever met.
She and the jaw-chewing ravey-davey type will get on like a house on
fire. Carole is a divorced bi-sexual, i.e. Too ugly to restrict herself
to one group of ugly, desperate fucks. She is textbook zany. If you look
up "zany" in the dictionary, the word next to it rhymes with "punt".
Everybody loves her because she is a bit zany. Because most of the crowd
are punts. The pretty girls inside will not be able to bring themselves
to touch her.
10:15pm
And that's the end of the show. Eleven contestants and three of them are
outright ugly. The rest score a variety on the DasGeordie Sling-One-Up
Scale, but would all qualify. Apparently a man is going in a couple of
days. I hope he is gay to upset all the desperate slags inside. I am
going to sign out now and spend the next hour looking for pictures of
the contestant's mimsy online.
Crabman Edit: This is literally the only picture I could find of Mimsy on the whole internetweb. Sorry.
Labels: Big Brother, Cunt, Not Gay, Shit
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