Why Can't I Grow The Fuck Up?
We are not all about getting angry at other people on this site. No, we can get angry with ourselves just as easily. Recently, DasGeordie proclaimed that he “knows shit” which if you read that post you would probably agree. I know he is absolutely disgusted with himself as I am of him but hey, nobody's perfect. However, it did inspire me to get angry with myself and got me to thinking.......WHY HAVEN’T I GROWN UP YET?
I’ve always been a bit of a nerd you see. When everyone else at school was listening to Wham!, Culture Club and The Beastie Boys, I would lock myself in my bedroom and listen to Jean Michel Jarre and Tangerine Dream whilst pretending to actually play the music on my shitty casio-one octave-keyboard. What a twat! Actually, I still fucking do that come to think about it.
I was always obsessed with movies when I was a kid and grew up on a diet of zombie and slasher films, early John Carpenter, Spielberg and Star Wars and if I got the chance I would go round my mates house to watch the latest Tracy Lords porno on Betamax whist sitting on the sofa with cushions over our stiffies and taking turns to "go to the toilet". My mates dad was divorced and he had what we called the ‘cupboard of cum’. This cupboard was just filled with stuck-together jazz mags and the aforementioned Betamax porno collection which made him the best dad in the world as far as I was concerned. Except he wasn’t really. He was a cunt.
I am now a 34 year old married man with a mortgage, an ever increasing bald patch and a beer belly that will not go away no matter how much Stella I drink. I don’t understand. I do one sit up an day (getting out of bed) and always run at least 1/2 a mile a day (to the off licence) and I still look like one of the fucking Mr Men.
I digress, but my point is that all the geeky shit that surrounded my life as a child still stays with me. Stronger than ever actually. Here’s just a quick example. Below is a list of some of the T-Shirts that I currently own.
But worst of all? I have Superman pyjamas! Yep, I shit you not. Actually its more of a T-Shirt/shorts combo in blue that has the ‘S’ logo on the front. Again bought by my wife. I should be embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself but I’m not. I’m fucking furious with myself. GROW THE FUCK UP YOU TWAT! I got genuinely excited the other day because I found a mint Dawn of the Dead and Weird Science T-Shirt on Play.com. For fucks sake!
I honestly can’t help it. I have Type O-Geek blood pumping through my veins and quite frankly it is pointless to resist. I’m cursed like DasGeordie and many others who have yet to feel the touch a woman's breast or indeed even talk to a fucking woman. I’m lucky in that my wife was pissed when I first met her and she agreed to marry me that night because I just knew that if she sobered up and spent more than four hours with me she would turn lesbian. Our first date was to the cinema. What did I take her to see? Blade 2. Very romantic. We had our first argument after leaving the cinema because she said it was shit so I got the hump and said she knew fuck all because she liked Harry Fucking Potter. Way to try and get a blowjob you fucking imbecile!
Last year I spent £120 on a toy lightsabre. Cunt. I nearly went on a killing spree after watching Spider-Man 3 due to its rubbishness. Cunt. I’m excited about the new Transformers film. Cunt. I’m going to watch Batman Begins again tonight for the 14th time even though it’s Saturday and I should be out mixing with the general populous. Cunt! I have Jaws 2 in my DVD collection. Cunt to the extreme! I liked Armageddon.......I think you get my point.
I doubt very much that any regular readers will find any of this particularly enlightening (except maybe the Superman pyjamas) but I thought it would might be cathartic to write this piece in the vain hope of embarrassing myself into maturity. I hasn’t worked unfortunately.
Once a geek. Always a geek.
I’ve always been a bit of a nerd you see. When everyone else at school was listening to Wham!, Culture Club and The Beastie Boys, I would lock myself in my bedroom and listen to Jean Michel Jarre and Tangerine Dream whilst pretending to actually play the music on my shitty casio-one octave-keyboard. What a twat! Actually, I still fucking do that come to think about it.
I was always obsessed with movies when I was a kid and grew up on a diet of zombie and slasher films, early John Carpenter, Spielberg and Star Wars and if I got the chance I would go round my mates house to watch the latest Tracy Lords porno on Betamax whist sitting on the sofa with cushions over our stiffies and taking turns to "go to the toilet". My mates dad was divorced and he had what we called the ‘cupboard of cum’. This cupboard was just filled with stuck-together jazz mags and the aforementioned Betamax porno collection which made him the best dad in the world as far as I was concerned. Except he wasn’t really. He was a cunt.
I am now a 34 year old married man with a mortgage, an ever increasing bald patch and a beer belly that will not go away no matter how much Stella I drink. I don’t understand. I do one sit up an day (getting out of bed) and always run at least 1/2 a mile a day (to the off licence) and I still look like one of the fucking Mr Men.
I digress, but my point is that all the geeky shit that surrounded my life as a child still stays with me. Stronger than ever actually. Here’s just a quick example. Below is a list of some of the T-Shirts that I currently own.
- A Zombie Flesh Eaters T-Shirt (it’s fucking mint actually) which I wear on Tuesdays and to funerals.
- A Ghostbusters logo T-Shirt that is now really tight on me because I’m a fat cunt but I still wear it even though I look like a fucking Weeble in it.
- A Lucasfilm logo T-Shirt that used to be my favourite but I am now liking less and less due to the fact that it has the word ‘Lucas’ on it. It too is really tight.
- A Knight Rider T-Shirt that, ironically, was bought for me by my wife. I don’t wear this outside as the last thing I need is to get glassed in my local pub.
But worst of all? I have Superman pyjamas! Yep, I shit you not. Actually its more of a T-Shirt/shorts combo in blue that has the ‘S’ logo on the front. Again bought by my wife. I should be embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself but I’m not. I’m fucking furious with myself. GROW THE FUCK UP YOU TWAT! I got genuinely excited the other day because I found a mint Dawn of the Dead and Weird Science T-Shirt on Play.com. For fucks sake!
I honestly can’t help it. I have Type O-Geek blood pumping through my veins and quite frankly it is pointless to resist. I’m cursed like DasGeordie and many others who have yet to feel the touch a woman's breast or indeed even talk to a fucking woman. I’m lucky in that my wife was pissed when I first met her and she agreed to marry me that night because I just knew that if she sobered up and spent more than four hours with me she would turn lesbian. Our first date was to the cinema. What did I take her to see? Blade 2. Very romantic. We had our first argument after leaving the cinema because she said it was shit so I got the hump and said she knew fuck all because she liked Harry Fucking Potter. Way to try and get a blowjob you fucking imbecile!
Last year I spent £120 on a toy lightsabre. Cunt. I nearly went on a killing spree after watching Spider-Man 3 due to its rubbishness. Cunt. I’m excited about the new Transformers film. Cunt. I’m going to watch Batman Begins again tonight for the 14th time even though it’s Saturday and I should be out mixing with the general populous. Cunt! I have Jaws 2 in my DVD collection. Cunt to the extreme! I liked Armageddon.......I think you get my point.
I doubt very much that any regular readers will find any of this particularly enlightening (except maybe the Superman pyjamas) but I thought it would might be cathartic to write this piece in the vain hope of embarrassing myself into maturity. I hasn’t worked unfortunately.
Once a geek. Always a geek.
Labels: Cunt, Grow Up, I hate myself sometimes, Porno
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