Diet Hard XP

First of all, Len Wiseman is a cunt of the highest order. Seriously. I mean, I don't care if he donates to charity, loves his mother, once rescued a terminally ill orphan from a burning hospice... he is a cunt. A cunt's cunt. Because - just make a bad action film and you're a bit of a twat. It's not hard. But make a bad sequel to the greatest action film ever made makes you the kind of galactic cunt that would swallow planetary twats and solar pricks like Galactus - King of Cunts. And in case you were wondering what I'm talking about, this is a review of DIE HARD 4.0.

Or, if you live in America, LIVE FREE, DRIVE A LEXUS, CAP TOWELHEADS, FIGHT TERROR, EAT MACDONALDS AND JUST DIE HARD ALREADY. Thankfully, they realised that audiences outside America might not support their jingoism so much, so changed it to the far less shit DIE HARD 4.0. When I say less shit, I mean it in the same way that catching AIDS is slightly less shit than catching the bubonic plague. Anyway, I'm not even going to do the classic 2AM Ten Things I Hate About You This Film, because I'd be onto my 14th point by the time I realised what I was doing. Cunts. So here's some points I feel need to be raised in no particular order.

• Bruce Willis is old. He has aged since the last DIE HARD. This happens. It is known as "the aging process". It's happening to Crabman at an astronomical rate. I am actually de-aging. Bruce Willis is too old to be jumping off planes and making us believe he wouldn't put his hip out. I am TERRIFIED about what Harrison Ford is going to look like in the new Indiana Jones film. TERRIFIED.
  
  
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, did you see UNDERWORLD?
  
  
• Why actually film something when CG can do the work for you? I'm not even kidding, there was a shot with Bruce and Justin Long driving down a country road and they'd blatantly shot it against green screen and dropped in the country afterwards. I fail to see how it's easier to green screen in a background than actually, you know, taking a fucking car out to the country and filming it. This happened throughout the film. Several times you catch a whiff of CG background when they're driving and it's because there's a big stunt coming up/something crashes into them. So then every time I spotted some crap green screen action I was waiting for something to crash into them and it never happened. Halfway through the film I was waiting for something to crash into me.
  
  
• Kevin Smith shouldn't ever act. Ever. Seriously extending your ouevre of acting ability. A fat nerd. Go Team Smith! Maybe you could have tried to extend your range and played "A fat something else"? Maybe you could fuck off out of my DIE HARD film forever. Comedy shtick in a DIE HARD film? They always had a wry dark sense of humour, what they didn't have was a cunt with a collection of STAR WARS dreck. Also, I don't believe John McFuckingClane has ever bothered his arse enough to watch STAR WARS. Not when there are still air-ducts he has yet to climb through.
  
  
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, did you see UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION?
  
  
• Computer hacking should never ever be in an action film. I mean, when was this popular? The heyday for computer hacker films must have been mid-90s. And you know what, IT'S NOT FUN TO WATCH. Seriously, I went to uni to learn programming and had to quit after two years because I could feel my soul seep away with every line of C++ I typed. Also, 90% of programmers are cunts. Ha ha ha, I've probably just offended 90% of our readership! But seriously, there is no way to make Typing On A Computer interesting. Not even getting a nosh off Halle Berry whilst you're hacking the matrix makes it cool.
  
  
• Terrible ADR and editing. Sometimes I let films off as it could be that the Utter Numpty who the cinema have employed to monkey handle the reel together may have just sellotaped it up wrong. But not in this film. It was a proper hodge-podge. And the ADR was blindingly obviously wrong, to the point I thought something was wrong with the reel. I mean, sound production isn't my area of expertise, so I'm sure those more knowledgeable would notice a gazillion times more... But it wasn't even subtle.
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a cunt. Seriously, he fucked Kate Beckinsale. Probably while wearing the tight leather.
  
  
• The climactic finale to the film was stupid beyond belief. Am I to believe that the US government would allow a fully-equipped fighter jet to open fire on a row of traffic? They'd think that was a viable choice? And whether it's real or not, the terrible CG on that F35 made it look like a space-ship from some early nineties vertical scrolling shoot-em-up. It must be pretty shit, like, because it manages to miss a FUCKING HUGE SEMI RIG four times with rockets from close range. Semi's not being famous for their maneouverability. This isn't even getting on to the domino effect on the falling road (Which, again, would cause massive collateral damage), the only part of the truck that is destroyed is the roof when the massive gun is unleashed or just, well, the entire sequence. Also, the climax to an action film should be Hero Versus Villain, not Hero Versus Man In Plane.
  
  
• John McClane apparently is the master of transport. In this film, John is seen driving literally fourteen different cars and they all get smashed. He drives a huge semi rig. He fucking flies a helicopter. Midway through helicopter sequence, the writers remember that John hates flying and throw in a couple of lines to cover. No, maybe you could just NOT HAVE HIM FLYING A FUCKING HELICOPTER. Seriously!
  
  
• Len Wiseman is a... Oh, you know.
  
  
• It actually started off all right. The first ten minutes or so are not bad. Very good low-key action scene with shooting and improvisation and John being convincingly hard. It all starts going to pot around the time the Le Parkour is introduced. I hate Le Parkour. It is this year's bullet-time.
  
  
• Everybody else seems to love it. Some cunt actually applauded at the end of the showing Crabman and I attended. This is England! We don't applaud! All the charva cunts streamed out going on about it "being totally belta" and "proper sweet". I knew I should have rigged the exit to the screen with land-mines...

I could literally go on and on and post several billion petty bits I hated, like the fact John manages to travel half the country in a very short time or that he decides to kill someone with a truck despite all logic suggesting he shouldn't or that the CG was terrible throughout or that he should have been dead a hundred times over or that they still managed to bleep out "Motherfucker" or that the bad guy was rubbish or... Longest run-on sentence EVER! Suffice to say, I am losing all faith in cinema and if I don't see a good action film soon I may just give up and get into Merchant Ivory.

I'm even so angry I can't be arsed to photoshop a cock onto a picture of Justin Long. Seriously angry. I'm sure Crabman had one lined up before the film which he can post as he knew it would be rubbish. Don't worry, I'll have my revenge when he forces me to see TRANSFORMERS and I explain why it's shit in lengthy detail.