Fucking Transformers

Sooooo Crabman had been pissing his pants in excitement for months about TRANSFORMERS and even managed to get a dodgy rip highly legal preview copy of the film to watch on his astounding home-cinema system (Which is a story for another post). He declared it the best film of the Summer, a rip-roaring adventure and some of the best special effects he'd ever seen. He is a twatflap. It is none of these. It may well be better than DIE HARD 4.0 and SPIDER-MAN 3 and PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3, but I have just watched an episode of EMMERDALE which was better than all three combined. I have just watched an episode of DICKINSON'S REAL DEALS which had more convincing special effects than DIE HARD 4.0. Saying that TRANSFORMERS is the best Summer blockbuster of 2007 is like saying having rusty red-hot needles inserted into my jap's eye is my favourite form of torture.

Rather than doing the usual Top Ten Of Hatred, I thought I'd do something a bit more useful. You're always reading reviews where they discuss technical aspects and narrative devices and photography and the actors performance and BLAH, BLAH, WHO FUCKING CARES. I want to do an actual USEFUL review that will help you decide if you want to see this film. I mean, let's be honest, nobody really gives a flying fuck what a review of TRANSFUCKINGFORMERS says, right? It's critic-proof. It'd be like asking for a review on the bag of Monster Munch you just ate. "Good start, but petered out towards the end with lack of development around the middle." No, you just eat it and ignore the rest. So I will highlight for you the two personality types (Or "disorders", more accurately) who you will most closely match and whether this means you will like TRANSFORMERS or not.

TYPE A PERSONALITY The classic Type A Personality will look for a fluid movement of characters through a narrative and won't settle for a hodge-podge of piss-poor mannequins. They will not be simply swayed by putting A Funny Black Man in it or having A Chisel-Jawed Soldier. That is weak-ass sauce. Type A's also enjoy their films to be directed in a thoughtful and innovative pace, not by an OCD spacker with a budget and a hard-on. Type A's are usually peace-loving individuals who don't like seeing helicopters Every Four Fucking Seconds. They are the kind of people who will not let a film off because "Oh, it's for kids" because Type A's absolutely love classic kids films. ET is a kids film, BACK TO THE FUTURE is a kids film... None of them have problems, they are flawless films. Type A Personality's are also good-looking, intelligent, charming, have lots of sex with attractive women and aren't cunts.

TYPE B PERSONALITY The classic Type B Personality will exhibit signs of ADHD such as being unable to stare at anything for more than HALF A FUCKING SECOND without spinning around. Type B's have an unnatural love for flares. In fact, you'd probably find yourself sat at the bar having a quiet drink with a Type B and they might just spontaneously burst out a couple of flares and roll them under a nearby table. Type B personalities also like to talk in looooong, lingering and hysterically bad purple prose about the "greatness of humanity" and how there is "more than meets the eye" with them. This has been proven to cause 90% of most pub fights. These individuals are also stuck in the past and unable to see it for the shit it actually was. Type B personality's usually live with their mother even though they're over 40, smell of piss and BO, masturbate furiously over their G1 figures and are usually cunts.

There is a chart for mapping your personality, but basically, I can't be arsed to find it/photoshop it in a piss-poor fashion. Basically, if you think you're a Type A Personality, you will find that TRANSFORMERS is a bag of turd. If you are Type B, you should enjoy TRANSFORMERS and then kill yourself slowly.