Is Armageddon Imminent?
Yesterday, DasGeordie and myself went to see Die Hard 4.0 (to be reviewed shortly) and after we’d sat through the usual ten minutes of TV ads that, quite frankly, I hate watching at home for free let alone paying to fucking see them, the trailers started. I usually look forward to the trailers but after yesterday I think I will just stay in the toilet and take a dump until the film starts in future. Why? Because I had to watch the trailer for Rush Hour 3.
Now, I’m not sure who asked for a third instalment of this nauseating franchise but whoever it was needs to be lined up and shot. With rusty bullets. I watched the first one on TV years ago because there was genuinely fuck all else on and I HATED IT. With a passion. The reason for much of the hatred is attributed to Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker is a cunt of almost unimaginable calibre. I can’t fucking stand him. We should be thankful that he makes very few films. In fact, his last two films were Rush Hour 1 and 2. That gives you a pretty good indication of the cunt’s acting range. Prick. He ruined The Fifth Element with his squeaky, gurning, over-the -top performance and Luc Besson should be fucking ashamed of himself for casting the twat. The only film I want to see Tucker in is Hostel Part 3 where Eli Roth decides to forego a storyline in favour of just torturing the irritating fuck for 90 minutes. For real.
Obviously, Chris Tucker is the main reason for hating Rush Hour but I found more reasons as the trailer went on. After about 25 seconds, someone came on screen that I instantly recognised. “Nah, it can’t be” I thought “It fucking well is” I realised. Yep, a certain Roman Polanski has a role in Rush Hour 3 as a snooty French detective. What the fuck is going on? Roman Polanski? The man who directed Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby is now acting in sub-retard-level dreck like Rush Hour 3. My rage level at this point during the trailer was at DEFCON 3.
About 50 seconds in, Max Von Sydow appears on screen. For fucks sake! Max, what are you doing? There must be better roles that you can take. I mean, you’re Father Merrin. You played chess with death in The Seventh Seal. Where’s your dignity? Oh, fuck ya then. DEFCON 2.
The rest of the trailer consisted of the usual Jackie Chan stuntwork/chop socky wank that we all got bored of about ten fucking years ago and Chris Tucker, as per usual, thinking he’s the new Michael Jackson whilst simultaneously piling on the “ladies man” bullshit. OXYMORON ALERT! Whenever something “funny” happened during the trailer, the rest of the cinema laughed like a bunch of lobotomised drones while DasGeordie and myself just sat there with steam coming out of ears and blood seeping from our eyes.
This lasted nearly two minutes, of which, I will never get back but I did have to laugh to myself at the end of the trailer. Voice-over man proudly proclaimed "DIRECTED BY BRETT RATNER!". I would keep that part quiet if I were you mate. Brett Rent-A-Hack Ratner? Please. He’s a fucking awful director who managed to fuck up the X-Men franchise plus other films on his CV include Rush Hour 1 and 2. What a cunt.
Anyone who actually pays to go and see Rush Hour 3 this Summer please bear these points in mind:
DEFCON 1
Now, I’m not sure who asked for a third instalment of this nauseating franchise but whoever it was needs to be lined up and shot. With rusty bullets. I watched the first one on TV years ago because there was genuinely fuck all else on and I HATED IT. With a passion. The reason for much of the hatred is attributed to Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker is a cunt of almost unimaginable calibre. I can’t fucking stand him. We should be thankful that he makes very few films. In fact, his last two films were Rush Hour 1 and 2. That gives you a pretty good indication of the cunt’s acting range. Prick. He ruined The Fifth Element with his squeaky, gurning, over-the -top performance and Luc Besson should be fucking ashamed of himself for casting the twat. The only film I want to see Tucker in is Hostel Part 3 where Eli Roth decides to forego a storyline in favour of just torturing the irritating fuck for 90 minutes. For real.
Obviously, Chris Tucker is the main reason for hating Rush Hour but I found more reasons as the trailer went on. After about 25 seconds, someone came on screen that I instantly recognised. “Nah, it can’t be” I thought “It fucking well is” I realised. Yep, a certain Roman Polanski has a role in Rush Hour 3 as a snooty French detective. What the fuck is going on? Roman Polanski? The man who directed Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby is now acting in sub-retard-level dreck like Rush Hour 3. My rage level at this point during the trailer was at DEFCON 3.
About 50 seconds in, Max Von Sydow appears on screen. For fucks sake! Max, what are you doing? There must be better roles that you can take. I mean, you’re Father Merrin. You played chess with death in The Seventh Seal. Where’s your dignity? Oh, fuck ya then. DEFCON 2.
The rest of the trailer consisted of the usual Jackie Chan stuntwork/chop socky wank that we all got bored of about ten fucking years ago and Chris Tucker, as per usual, thinking he’s the new Michael Jackson whilst simultaneously piling on the “ladies man” bullshit. OXYMORON ALERT! Whenever something “funny” happened during the trailer, the rest of the cinema laughed like a bunch of lobotomised drones while DasGeordie and myself just sat there with steam coming out of ears and blood seeping from our eyes.
This lasted nearly two minutes, of which, I will never get back but I did have to laugh to myself at the end of the trailer. Voice-over man proudly proclaimed "DIRECTED BY BRETT RATNER!". I would keep that part quiet if I were you mate. Brett Rent-A-Hack Ratner? Please. He’s a fucking awful director who managed to fuck up the X-Men franchise plus other films on his CV include Rush Hour 1 and 2. What a cunt.
Anyone who actually pays to go and see Rush Hour 3 this Summer please bear these points in mind:
- You are helping Satan in his quest for Armageddon
- You have no life/girlfriend/boyfriend
- You are a cunt
- Get off this site
- Please kill yourself
DEFCON 1
Labels: Armageddon, Brett Ratner, Chris Fucking Tucker, Cunt, Shit
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