Mystic Reviews: Transformers

Gaze into my crystal ball!

It is the 27th of July in our Lord's year of 2007. Verily, the film known as TRANSFORMERS has been released in the movingpicture-a-toriums across this fair nation of England. Verily it took them a fucking couple of weeks to get it released over here, ye olde cunts. Myself and my good squire, Sir Crabman, have gone in with much baited breath and excitable demeanours to see this new film. All our hopes now rest with this film... The one true hope for the Summer season. But what will it be like? I shall use my mystic powers to tell you, kind folks! Why wait for the review when I can write it before I see it! So now, I pass you over to the DasGeordie of 15 days into the future! Woooh! Spooky!

DASGEORDIE OF TWO WEEKS IN THE FUTURE:-
Jesus fucking wept, was that a hideous bag of turd. I can't believe Crabman made me go and watch that utter, utter fucking shit! I mean, giant robots fighting and they messed it up! I don't give a shit about some whiny kid getting his first car and there's no way a woman that hot would fall for Chia McBeef and his potato-shaped head! And the robots look shit, they're far too bitty and over-complicated. And the comedy relief was appalling. And Jesus, Mary and Joseph, but Michael Bay needs to stop doing the fucking dolly shots circling round characters! And the slow-mo! I went to see a TRANSFORMERS film - and I don't even like them - and I end up with fucking Bernie Mac and some kid's parents! Cunts! I hate you all for making me think this would be good! I hate you all! Shit, well, at least it won't really matter that much seeing as they've just sounded the three minute alarm and Russia's about to start a nuclear war of Mutually Assured Destruction. Who saw that coming, eh?

Wooh! Spooky, huh? I know there are some non-believers out there who think I may well be just making this up, but we shall see, fellow travellers! We shall see! If my review rings true, verily stupid shall you all feel in doubting my powers! For there could be no other explanation for this supernatural shenanigans! Wooh! Spooky!