GRINDHOUSE: Crabman's Review
Last month I posted an article about how pissed off I was that Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez’s GRINDHOUSE was not going to be shown in it’s original back-to-back format when released in Europe, instead the studio opting for individual extended cuts of PLANT TERROR and DEATH PROOF released separately on different dates. This decision by the Weinsteins was largely due to the fact that the American audience didn’t “get” the double feature format with many people leaving after the first film. That pissed me off. “How stupid can Americans be? Stop ruining it for everyone else.” I thought. I have since realised that people probably left the cinema after the first feature because it was FUCKING SHIT and they weren’t prepared to waste another 90 minutes our their lives watching Tarantino have a very public wank at the expense of his fans.
I had the opportunity to watch the original back-to-back version today via a perfectly legitimate source on the interweb and I have to say that it is one on the most self indulgent, boring, moronic piles of wank I have had the misfortune to sit through in a long time. This is bizarre. I should like GRINDHOUSE. Zombies, gore, women with M16s for legs, tits, swearing, Kurt Russell. The lot. But I’m sorry to say that I was bored shitless after about 45 minutes, fucking furious after 100 minutes and in a coma after 185 minutes. Why?
Planet Terror
This is the better of the two features but It’s still garbage and Robert Rodriguez needs to seriously grow the fuck up. I love zombie films, in particular George Romero zombie films, but Rodriguez just fills the screen with as much over the top gore as he can without giving the narrative, if there is one, an ounce of substance. Romero always had an underlying intelligent subtext to his zombie films and that’s probably why they have become such classics. I have a feeling that no-one will remember PLANET TERROR in about a year and that’s a good thing. I am aware that it was probably just supposed to be a bit of fun but it doesn't even manage to be that. It’s like it was directed by a spotty, nerdy film student who has never had sex. Or friends. It’s THAT BAD. Rodriguez better make sure that SIN CITY 2 is fucking amazing otherwise he will lose all credibility as far as I’m concerned.
It did have Michael Biehn in it though. He's fucking ace. Go Hicks!
The Fake Trailers
I’d seen the Eli Roth fake trailer for THANKSGIVING a while back and quite liked it but after seeing all of them within the main feature all it felt like was a bunch a bum-chum, back-slapping morons giving each other reach-arounds. It made me quite angry actually. “Hey, look! We're all really good mates and we can do whatever the fuck we like no matter how self-serving it is. Fuck the audience. We rock!” Utter cunts. Rob Zombie in particular. Also, Edgar Wright has gone way down in my estimation by being involved in this bucket of shit but more importantly because he hangs around with Quention Tarantino these days which leads me to.......
Death Proof
BOOOOORING! Seriously fucking boring. I mean, I'd-rather-watch-Spider-Man 3-again boring. Tarantino has gone so far up his own areshole that he thinks the audience are quite willing to watch an opening ten minutes involving a group of cheerleader types just talking. About nothing. I’m sick of his “dialogue style” now. It was fresh and exciting back when RESEVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION were released but it’s now so tired, cliched and just plain fucking irritating that I struggled watching DEATH PROOF. Tarantino even references his own fucking films now. At one point the character he plays knocks back a shot of whisky and says, with a big shit-eating grin on his face “Now that's a tasty beverage!”. Ha ha ha. How incredibly clever. Twat! Tarantino’s ego has taking ahold of his soul and turned him into a complete fucking cunt. I genuinely hate him now and I’ll find it very difficult to watch his earlier films again without wanting to join Al Qaeda. Even Kurt Russell, who I love, can’t save it from being a total fucking drag. I dread to think what the extended cuts are like when they get released here. My advice is DON’T FUCKING BOTHER. Do not pander to this stupid cunts ego anymore. Please.
By the way, Tarantino should NEVER act again. EVER! He's fucking embarrasing to watch. Narcissistic prick.
The Film Degradation, Sound Dropouts and Missing Reels
I understand that GRINDHOUSE is a big homage to the double bills of the late seventies and poor sound, missing reels and scratched prints were a mainstay back then but when used in GRINDHOUSE you can almost hear Tarantino giggling to himself while thinking how fucking great he and Rodriguez are and how clever and "ironic" it is to make a modern film nigh on unwatchable. The sound drop outs and scratched print novelty became dull after five fucking minutes. And I’m sorry, but missing a reel out ON PURPOSE is just plain idiotic. Absolute shite. Anyone who buys this on HD DVD or Blu-Ray when it comes out is a fucking imbecile.
So, if you are reading this Quentin or Robert, please grow up, stop indulging yourselves in geeky wankfests and get back to making films that matter. I’m glad GRINDHOUSE bombed in the US and I hope it fucking bombs everywhere else. Cunts!
I had the opportunity to watch the original back-to-back version today via a perfectly legitimate source on the interweb and I have to say that it is one on the most self indulgent, boring, moronic piles of wank I have had the misfortune to sit through in a long time. This is bizarre. I should like GRINDHOUSE. Zombies, gore, women with M16s for legs, tits, swearing, Kurt Russell. The lot. But I’m sorry to say that I was bored shitless after about 45 minutes, fucking furious after 100 minutes and in a coma after 185 minutes. Why?
Planet Terror
This is the better of the two features but It’s still garbage and Robert Rodriguez needs to seriously grow the fuck up. I love zombie films, in particular George Romero zombie films, but Rodriguez just fills the screen with as much over the top gore as he can without giving the narrative, if there is one, an ounce of substance. Romero always had an underlying intelligent subtext to his zombie films and that’s probably why they have become such classics. I have a feeling that no-one will remember PLANET TERROR in about a year and that’s a good thing. I am aware that it was probably just supposed to be a bit of fun but it doesn't even manage to be that. It’s like it was directed by a spotty, nerdy film student who has never had sex. Or friends. It’s THAT BAD. Rodriguez better make sure that SIN CITY 2 is fucking amazing otherwise he will lose all credibility as far as I’m concerned.
It did have Michael Biehn in it though. He's fucking ace. Go Hicks!
The Fake Trailers
I’d seen the Eli Roth fake trailer for THANKSGIVING a while back and quite liked it but after seeing all of them within the main feature all it felt like was a bunch a bum-chum, back-slapping morons giving each other reach-arounds. It made me quite angry actually. “Hey, look! We're all really good mates and we can do whatever the fuck we like no matter how self-serving it is. Fuck the audience. We rock!” Utter cunts. Rob Zombie in particular. Also, Edgar Wright has gone way down in my estimation by being involved in this bucket of shit but more importantly because he hangs around with Quention Tarantino these days which leads me to.......
Death Proof
BOOOOORING! Seriously fucking boring. I mean, I'd-rather-watch-Spider-Man 3-again boring. Tarantino has gone so far up his own areshole that he thinks the audience are quite willing to watch an opening ten minutes involving a group of cheerleader types just talking. About nothing. I’m sick of his “dialogue style” now. It was fresh and exciting back when RESEVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION were released but it’s now so tired, cliched and just plain fucking irritating that I struggled watching DEATH PROOF. Tarantino even references his own fucking films now. At one point the character he plays knocks back a shot of whisky and says, with a big shit-eating grin on his face “Now that's a tasty beverage!”. Ha ha ha. How incredibly clever. Twat! Tarantino’s ego has taking ahold of his soul and turned him into a complete fucking cunt. I genuinely hate him now and I’ll find it very difficult to watch his earlier films again without wanting to join Al Qaeda. Even Kurt Russell, who I love, can’t save it from being a total fucking drag. I dread to think what the extended cuts are like when they get released here. My advice is DON’T FUCKING BOTHER. Do not pander to this stupid cunts ego anymore. Please.
By the way, Tarantino should NEVER act again. EVER! He's fucking embarrasing to watch. Narcissistic prick.
The Film Degradation, Sound Dropouts and Missing Reels
I understand that GRINDHOUSE is a big homage to the double bills of the late seventies and poor sound, missing reels and scratched prints were a mainstay back then but when used in GRINDHOUSE you can almost hear Tarantino giggling to himself while thinking how fucking great he and Rodriguez are and how clever and "ironic" it is to make a modern film nigh on unwatchable. The sound drop outs and scratched print novelty became dull after five fucking minutes. And I’m sorry, but missing a reel out ON PURPOSE is just plain idiotic. Absolute shite. Anyone who buys this on HD DVD or Blu-Ray when it comes out is a fucking imbecile.
So, if you are reading this Quentin or Robert, please grow up, stop indulging yourselves in geeky wankfests and get back to making films that matter. I’m glad GRINDHOUSE bombed in the US and I hope it fucking bombs everywhere else. Cunts!
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