World >fnar< Of >titter< War >giggles< Craft >cackles< Movie >pisses pants< Planned

"Want To Learn Some Details About The Proposed WORLD OF WARCRAFT Film?!" expounds the header on Ain't It Cool's reportage of the, you guessed it, potential WORLD OF WARCRAFT film. I say "potential" because there is as much chance of this film seeing the light of day as there is Lindsay Lohan passing a piss-test. I, for one, am quite happy about this for several different reasons. What's that, Sparky? You think I'm going to do a bullet-point list? And swear a lot? And little Tim's fallen in the well? FUCK OFF AND CHEW A BONE, HAIR-BALL.

For those of you who go about your day-to-day life with nary a care in the world, talking to strangers, nipping to the shops, hitting the gym, meeting your girlfriend for cocktails and, most importantly, washing your bell-end from time to time, WORLD OF WARCRAFT is an Online Massively Multi-Player Roleplaying Game. Basically, a bunch of losers get together and pretend to be dwarfs and twat computer characters with sticks and then backslap each other over a job well done. I.e. they are cunts. If you are reading this and thinking I'm being a bit harsh on them, FUCK YOU! If you like playing WORLD OF WARCRAFT and are about to send me a lengthy hate-mail, FUCK YOU TOO!

(Note the irony of a man who writes a blog on the internet about TRANSFORMERS and BATMAN taking the piss out of people who play WORLD OF WARCRAFT.)

Anyway, on with the bullet-point list action! Ooh, today I'm going to spoil you with a numbered list! WOWZERS!

1. This "film" is blatantly an attempt to grab some of the tall LORD OF THE RINGS dollars that Hollywood execs imagine is out there waiting for them. I don't know how well THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA did, but I can tell you it was SHIT and TOO LONG and PREACHY and AN OVERLY-OBVIOUS CHRISTIAN ALLEGORY and HAD FUCKING CHILDREN IN IT. LORD OF THE RINGS was successful solely because it's based on one of the most successful series of books of all time. Case in point - Harry Potter. People would not go see the Harry Potter films if it wasn't for the books. Those films would not even GET MADE based on the shitty scripts, lack of original material and terrible lead actors.
   
   
2. Yes, I'm going to go there, fucktards - but anybody who would actually go and SEE a WORLD OF WARCRAFT film is most definitely a virgin. If they aren't a virgin, it means they found one of the rare female nerds with even lower self-esteem than them and convinced them to let them put all inch of their stump up her thatch for all three minutes before he cries out Green Lantern's oath as he pumps 30 years of backed-up jism into her mothball-crammed clunge. "In deepest day, in darkest >UNGH!< night, no evil shall >HUNNGNGNGNGNGN!< escape... That's it, Xena, I'm nearly there..."
   
   Just because you have shot your muck in or around a woman doesn't necessarily mean you are no longer a virgin. You are making a mockery of the act of sexual intercourse. There should be grades of virginity and if you've only ever convinced mentally drained nerdettes who are grateful for any attention and access to your backlot of Neo Geo ROMS to touch your tiny withered member then you are still a virgin in my eyes. Any woman who will fizz at the bunghole for Captain Jean-Luc Picard isn't really trying very hard anyway.
   
3. Not only is it an immensely misguided attempt to get some of the tall LOTR dollar (And I hate typing acronyms, but I've just discovered a variant of RSI called LOTR finger and don't want to end up with spack hands at aged 30), but it's also a misguided attempt to get some of the tall WOW dollar. Yes, more acronyms, YC (You Cunt). "People" who spend money on WORLD OF WARCRAFT are doing it so they can interact with other "people" without fear of bumping into actual real people who may point out they smell, are virgins, are ugly and smell. They do it so they can pretend to be great knights without actually getting off their fat arses. They are not going to go to the cinema to watch a film where they don't even get to play, especially don't get to talk to other nerds and have to follow a story rather than "a game plan".
   
   If they even want to see the film, people like this will download it. They will not go to the cinema to see it because while they're away, somebody could steal their +10 Sword Of Killing Stuff And Things or goblins could raid their secret lair or mummy could discover that secret stash of BARELY LEGAL Vol. 1-18 glued to the underside of your bed with man-fat. Cinemas are full of people and you need to be in close proximity to them. IMAGINE!
   
   
4. This film is listed as being a $100m property. Admittedly, that's probably only about £27.50 thanks to the exchange rate, but is still a lot of money. I expect it to make back somewhere in the region of £27.50. A better way to market this to the intended audience would be to only let them watch 20 minutes a month and then force them to setup a direct debit for £39.99 a month to get the next installment. Also, if you gave them a 30-day trial of CITY OF HEROES or something they might go. Or promised them Alyson Hannigan was waiting in Row G, absolutely frothing at the gash for some hot nerd on nerd action.
   
5. It's a shit game based on a shit real-time strategy game with zero originality and everything's been cribbed from LORD OF THE RINGS and nobody wants to see a film of it as it'll look like a third-rate LOTR. When all the WORLD OF WARCRAFT players have to embarrasingly say that it's more about the immersive experience than the actual story, they will look even bigger cunts than they were before. And let's be honest, admitting you are a huge fan of the game WORLD OF WARCRAFT is like saying you enjoy Mel Gibson's dad's views on World War Two.
   
6. "The film itself will revolve around a 'badass' new hero," quoth the press release. First of all, you don't tell us your hero is badass, he proves his badassery by being a badass in the film and then we let you know if he's a badass or not. Secondly, it's fucking "bad-ass" you sub-ameoboid cunt. The greatest bad-asses of cinema history proved themselves by just generally being fucking mental and by being in ace films. This film will be shit so you've got that against you already. Also, the kind of nerds who like WORLD OF WARCRAFT think all you need to be a bad-ass is designer stubble and a large weapon. Well, I've got both of those (fnar!) and I'm the least bad-ass person in England, probably. Having scars does not make you bad-ass, I've got plenty of scars from Unidentified Drinking Injuries. Having a cool made-up name doesn't make you cool, I've... Uh, never mind. Bad-ass in the mind of nerd is some highly unoriginal stereotype. Bruce Willis in DIE HARD is bad-ass, but then so is Arnie in PREDATOR and they're pretty different in terms of personality/looks/whatever.
   
7. It was announced at BlizzCon 2007, which is quite possibly the cuntiest place on the planet outside of my bedroom. I'll be honest with you, in my past, I have been to a comic convention. It was only a UK one and I didn't dress up and I didn't buy any collectables, I went to meet friends and it happens we are all into comics. I'm not proud of what I did and luckily I've managed to have sexual relations with women afterwards so the stench hasn't stuck. But going to a WORLD OF WARCRAFT convention is essentially like admitting you've given up on life.
   
8. I discovered this disturbing website during my research and it is the reason that everybody on the internet ever should go outside and breathe some fresh air. THERE IS ACTUAL PORN ON THE INTERNET, FUCK-SPANNERS! You can download actual tits of actual birds and they will actually move. And not jerk like a spastic through their motion-captured routines, you toss-bucket. I hope anybody who has ever watched this and pulled their pudding gets lesions on their bell-end and flies nesting in their pubes.
   
   
9. Video-game adaptations are universally shit. I know, cos I've fucking seen var nigh every one ever made. I have yet to see DEAD OR ALIVE, which is about the only video-game adaptation I could justify. And that's only in case there's a bit of Holly Vallance side boob action going on. And this is me after just chastising men for watching shitty WOW porn. Yes, I'll sit through two hours of Fucking Monkey-Jizz Stains just for the off-chance of a bit of side boob. Maybe I'm the one who needs to get out more?
   
10. Didn't we learn that making films based on nerds leads to shit like SNAKES ON A PLANE? Didn't we all realise that nerds no fucking nothing about making films and are basically nerds for that exact reason. They might watch a lot of films, but that doesn't necessarily make you an expert. No, what makes you an expert is having a movie blog where you say "cunt" a lot. Obviously. And I'm not going to go into detail about SNAKES ON A PLANE because that's a whole posts worth of material. That's a fucking WEEKS worth of posts. And yet, bizarrely, even though Sam Jackson's been in some terrible cuntbiscuits for films, he always gets off scott free. I mean, he was in the fucking PHANTOM MENACE for Jehovah's sake! Nobody should have been allowed to do anything after that.

Anyway, I promise to eat my own shit live on YouTube if this film actually comes out at all in a cinematic release. I actually promise to eat Crabman's shit live on YouTube if it turns out to be anything other than formulaic dross of the worst kind. They'd be better off spending that $100m on buying ThighMasters for all the cunts currently playing WORLD OF WARCRAFT if you ask me...