Films That Could Be Improved By Invading Cuba #1: My Left Foot

There is no greater ending to any film than the end of Bad Boys II. What, what, what? You're going to suggest something else? Like 2001? Or Planet Of The Apes? Or Nutty Professor II: Meet The Klumps (In which one of the characters gets anally raped by a giant hamster For Fuck's Sake)? No, those are all wrong. WRONG. Bad Boys II ends with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence invading Cuba. As if we hadn't seen enough OTT-osity so far, they mount an armed invasion of the nation of Cuba to rescue a woman. She is hot, but I doubt I'd invade Cuba for her. Jersey, maybe... Possibly the Isle of Man, but not Cuba. There are many many films out there that could only be improved by taking this approach to cinema.



After overcoming being labelled a spastic for the first ten years of his life, Christy Brown has overcome his working class Irish environment and learned to express himself through writing and poetry. Made all the more impressive by the fact he can only move his left foot. Christy's works are an inspiration to all, not least of which his mother. But could he hold a semi-automatic MP5 with that left foot? Could he drive stick on a Hummer as it went down a mountain through a small village with that left foot? You'll never know, because this film did not end with anybody invading Cuba. If anybody could make you believe a quadriplegic could invade a small island off the American coast, it would be Daniel Day Lewis. After gunning down swarthy bereted chaps with his foot-mounted fire-arm, Christy would casually scrawl a witty bon mot on a handily placed notepad. With his foot. And when you're driving AN ARMOURED CAR THROUGH A VILLAGE, you only really need one foot. And it's not going to be on the brakes.

Wild Hogs Couldn't Drag Me To See It

Thanks a lot William H Macy. You’ve made me look a proper twat. In an earlier post regarding the Oscars, I blew so much sunshine up your arse it was tantamount to sucking your dick and then you went and made the clearly unwise decision to star in this months WILD HOGS. Now, I know it is a cardinal rule to never talk about or review films you haven’t seen but I may just go out on a limb here. IT WILL BE FUCKING AWFUL. I’ve only seen the trailer on TV and that was enough to have me throwing shit at the screen like some demented baboon. But I have read the reviews and low and behold.....ALL SHIT.

I understand that some actors make these shit-fests for the money so that they can then go on to do smaller independent fare with respected directors but this is taking the piss. Actually, its not. Macy also starred in the Psycho remake but that's another rant that will be forthcoming. Its not going to be pretty mind.

I do have a pretty good idea, however, that Macy will be the best thing in WILD HOGS. But that's kinda like saying that Hitler was the best Nazi during WW2. He will be the best thing in that film for 3 reasons:

1. Tim Allen. What an absolute grade ‘A’ cum guzzler of the highest order. Have you seen the crap that he makes? If it wasn’t bad enough that we had to endure ‘The Santa Clause’, he had to go and make another 2 of the fucking things. That is a trilogy sent directly from the belly of hell. Allen really should be back on TV where he belongs. At least then I wouldn’t have to see his bloated, fat, fucking face on the big screen again putting me off my hot dog. Anyone emailing me with Toy Story excuses will be named and shamed.
   
   
2. John Travolta. Yes, we all know that he was mint in ‘Pulp Fiction’ and yeesssss, we all thought ‘Face Off’ was a modern action classic and ‘Get Shorty’ was quite good but apart from those three films I really am struggling to come up with more reasons as to why we needed a TRAVOLTA COMEBACK. If anyone reading this can come up with some you are welcome to email them in. But you're WRONG. “Oh, but..but....Broken Arrow was class wasn’t it” Er, no. It had its moments but Travolta hams it up like a motherfucker and ruins it. He overacts ALL THE FUCKING TIME. “But.....but....but....Battlefield Earth was misunderstood” If you have ever said that line please get off this site RIGHT FUCKING NOW because you are either a Scientologist or a CUNT. This was meant to be a short post so I will stop with the Travolta bashing but I will be back. Oh yes.
   
   
3. Martin Lawrence. I’ll start off by saying that the only two films that I like with Lawrence in are the Bad Boys films. Throwaway action films sure, but they do exactly what you want from the action genre. And they do them well. However, apart from those, Lawrence just appears in MASSIVE TURDS and plays the same fucking character in EVERY FILM. Except of course when he puts on a hilarious fat suit for the ‘Big Momma’s House’’ films, of which there are TWO. Brace yourself for another unholy trilogy. Sorry, but Martin Lawrence is an irritating twat with the acting range of a carrot.

So there you have it. If you are thinking of going to see WILD HOGS this weekend you are either retarded or the Antichrist. Either way you will be one of the many idiots responsible for this film making money and therefore giving the studios more incentive to continue to make SHIT FILMS. Shame on you. Oh, and just to make things worse, WILD HOGS beat David Fincher’s sublime ‘Zodiac’ to number one at the U.S. box office last weekend. Nice one. Fucking idiots.