Orlando Bloom: Episode 1
We love Orlando Bloom here on this site. Sorry, that's a typo. I think it is glaringly obvious that DasGeordie and myself can’t stand the little runt. Now, I’m sure as a person he’s very nice, pays his bills and stuff and loves his Mum and shit and I have no problem with that whatsoever. I’m not a monster. No, what I do object to however is how outrageously successful he has become in recent years. Why you ask?.....THE LITTLE PRICK CANNOT ACT. FACT.
Directors seem to be falling over themselves these days to get Bloom onboard their films. Cameron Crowe, Wolfgang Petersen and Ridley Scott are ALL in the dock for letting the scrawny fuck-nugget “act” in their films. Ridley Scott should be serving back to backs for putting him in two, yes TWO fucking films. Black Hawk was very much let down by the fact that Doorlando was allowed to utter even one syllable in that otherwise fine film. My ring-piece can produce a better American accent.
I can’t stand actors like him. Middle class wannabe motherfuckers who were clearly born with a massive silver spoon up their clinker boxes. No talent whatsoever, but an endless resource of funds to get them through whatever wanky ‘Performance Arts’ academy they choose to attend.
“Mummy, I want to be an actor when I grow up. Like Olivier and shit”
“No problem son. You have zero acting abilities but we are fucking minted. RADA ok for ya Orlie?”
It should be no secret that the only reason he is successful is because he is a HEART-THROB and NOT because he can act. Little girls cream their cacks at the mere mention of Broom. Apparently, he is “well fit” and “dreamy”. Please. Do you really think the Pirates of the Fucking Caribbean films would have been half as successful if Orlando’s character had instead been played by, say, Steve Buscemi. No. Of course fucking not. Prepubescent girls poured into the cinemas to watch those films and not for the fucking storyline either. Whenever an important piece of exposition was being given, these squealing drones would probably be texting their friends with shit like “Orlie iz soooo hnky in ths flm :)” I hate cunty text speak as well by the way.
It's exactly the same reason that Titanic did so well. Not for the story and certainly not for the acting. No, it had crossover appeal. The lads went to see all the people drown and the girls went to see DiCaprio get sweaty in a car park. Its not fucking rocket science. I am also aware that Johnny Depp had a lot to do with the success of the Pirates films but my thoughts on that have been made crystal in an earlier post which can be found here
The only thing I can stomach Gloom in is the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Partly because I love those films and partly because they are the only films in which his brand of stilted, wooden, shitty “acting” don't seem to grind too much due to the nature of his character and the silly dialogue he has to utter. See, its not all bad is it Orlando Bloom fans?
Anyway, enough of the flattery.
Here are some GENUINE quotes from the man himself just to emphasise what a COMPLETE RIM JIMMY he is.
"Aged nine, I had this girlfriend, and we used to have running races in the park to see who would be her boyfriend for the day. I wanted to be like Superman and fly in and rescue her. Once I realised Superman was an actor, I thought, 'That's for me.” TWAT!
"I know how lucky I am. I've no complaints about the work." Er, I have mate. Plenty fucking slots.
"You have to be quite serious about tattoos [because] they're there forever." Thanks for that Professor Bloom. And here I was just about to tattoo CUNT on my forehead. Phew!
On being in love in general: "I'm in love with love. It's heavenly when you're falling for someone and you can't stop thinking about her." FUCK OFF!
"I always feel like a pirate." Maybe so, but you can’t fucking ACT LIKE ONE.
"I'm rather accident-prone, I have to admit. I've broken my back, my ribs, my nose, both my legs, my arm, my wrist, a finger and a toe and cracked my skull three times” Try your neck next time please. Clumsy bastard.
"It's a bit strange to be included in those sexiest people polls and all that sort of thing. I don't really even know who I'm up against!” Er. Steve Buscemi?
"If life isn't about humanity, then tell me what it's about, because I'd love to know." ??????????
Check IMDB if you don’t believe those quotes by the way.
And what’s up with that STUPID FUCKING NAME? I’d rather be called Legolas Greenleaf. Apparently, his friends call him ‘Orlie’ or ‘OB’. Makes him sound like a fucking Teletubby. Which he is actually. Eh oh!
His films will always make a shitload of cash because the studios are unbelievably cynical and they know he has the ‘Bush Vote’ so they will continue to put him in Summer tent pole films until he eventually comes out of the closet and shatters the hopes of millions of deluded fans. Mind you, ‘Kingdom of Heaven’ flopped. I know plenty of people that won’t watch that film simply because Borlie is in it. Nice one Ridley. Even old Bloomfeld couldn’t get millions of pantie-pissers to go see a three hour bore-a-thon about the crusades. Ha!
Well, I’m going to have a breather. I have lots more to say on this subject but I shall write it all in due course. Feel free to email me with anything you particularly dislike about Poorly and I will mention them in my next post. And if there are any genuine fans out there reading this, please may I direct you to the Orlando Bloom Fan Club link we have kindly supplied.
Directors seem to be falling over themselves these days to get Bloom onboard their films. Cameron Crowe, Wolfgang Petersen and Ridley Scott are ALL in the dock for letting the scrawny fuck-nugget “act” in their films. Ridley Scott should be serving back to backs for putting him in two, yes TWO fucking films. Black Hawk was very much let down by the fact that Doorlando was allowed to utter even one syllable in that otherwise fine film. My ring-piece can produce a better American accent.
I can’t stand actors like him. Middle class wannabe motherfuckers who were clearly born with a massive silver spoon up their clinker boxes. No talent whatsoever, but an endless resource of funds to get them through whatever wanky ‘Performance Arts’ academy they choose to attend.
“Mummy, I want to be an actor when I grow up. Like Olivier and shit”
“No problem son. You have zero acting abilities but we are fucking minted. RADA ok for ya Orlie?”
It should be no secret that the only reason he is successful is because he is a HEART-THROB and NOT because he can act. Little girls cream their cacks at the mere mention of Broom. Apparently, he is “well fit” and “dreamy”. Please. Do you really think the Pirates of the Fucking Caribbean films would have been half as successful if Orlando’s character had instead been played by, say, Steve Buscemi. No. Of course fucking not. Prepubescent girls poured into the cinemas to watch those films and not for the fucking storyline either. Whenever an important piece of exposition was being given, these squealing drones would probably be texting their friends with shit like “Orlie iz soooo hnky in ths flm :)” I hate cunty text speak as well by the way.
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It's exactly the same reason that Titanic did so well. Not for the story and certainly not for the acting. No, it had crossover appeal. The lads went to see all the people drown and the girls went to see DiCaprio get sweaty in a car park. Its not fucking rocket science. I am also aware that Johnny Depp had a lot to do with the success of the Pirates films but my thoughts on that have been made crystal in an earlier post which can be found here
The only thing I can stomach Gloom in is the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Partly because I love those films and partly because they are the only films in which his brand of stilted, wooden, shitty “acting” don't seem to grind too much due to the nature of his character and the silly dialogue he has to utter. See, its not all bad is it Orlando Bloom fans?
Anyway, enough of the flattery.
Here are some GENUINE quotes from the man himself just to emphasise what a COMPLETE RIM JIMMY he is.
"Aged nine, I had this girlfriend, and we used to have running races in the park to see who would be her boyfriend for the day. I wanted to be like Superman and fly in and rescue her. Once I realised Superman was an actor, I thought, 'That's for me.” TWAT!
"I know how lucky I am. I've no complaints about the work." Er, I have mate. Plenty fucking slots.
"You have to be quite serious about tattoos [because] they're there forever." Thanks for that Professor Bloom. And here I was just about to tattoo CUNT on my forehead. Phew!
On being in love in general: "I'm in love with love. It's heavenly when you're falling for someone and you can't stop thinking about her." FUCK OFF!
"I always feel like a pirate." Maybe so, but you can’t fucking ACT LIKE ONE.
"I'm rather accident-prone, I have to admit. I've broken my back, my ribs, my nose, both my legs, my arm, my wrist, a finger and a toe and cracked my skull three times” Try your neck next time please. Clumsy bastard.
"It's a bit strange to be included in those sexiest people polls and all that sort of thing. I don't really even know who I'm up against!” Er. Steve Buscemi?
"If life isn't about humanity, then tell me what it's about, because I'd love to know." ??????????
Check IMDB if you don’t believe those quotes by the way.
And what’s up with that STUPID FUCKING NAME? I’d rather be called Legolas Greenleaf. Apparently, his friends call him ‘Orlie’ or ‘OB’. Makes him sound like a fucking Teletubby. Which he is actually. Eh oh!
His films will always make a shitload of cash because the studios are unbelievably cynical and they know he has the ‘Bush Vote’ so they will continue to put him in Summer tent pole films until he eventually comes out of the closet and shatters the hopes of millions of deluded fans. Mind you, ‘Kingdom of Heaven’ flopped. I know plenty of people that won’t watch that film simply because Borlie is in it. Nice one Ridley. Even old Bloomfeld couldn’t get millions of pantie-pissers to go see a three hour bore-a-thon about the crusades. Ha!
Well, I’m going to have a breather. I have lots more to say on this subject but I shall write it all in due course. Feel free to email me with anything you particularly dislike about Poorly and I will mention them in my next post. And if there are any genuine fans out there reading this, please may I direct you to the Orlando Bloom Fan Club link we have kindly supplied.
Labels: Orlando Bloom, Pirates Of The Caribbean, Quotes, Shit
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