Another Unfunny, Amatuerish Photoshop Job.

This took me fucking ages and it still looks shit and quite frankly it's not very funny. I can't believe I spent the best part of an evening trying to get the font to look right just so I could take the piss out of old Bloomy. Actually, it was fucking worth it. As always.

There Is A God.

I read something that really cheered me up today. Apparently, my bezzie mate and fine actor Orlando Bloom has had enough of making movies. Thats right sports fans, according to an interview he gave with MSNBC he wants to try something else other than earning fucking millions starring in some of the biggest films ever made whilst simultaneously getting sucked off by gangs of pre-teen airheads. I guess you have to feel for him. It must be hard work impersonating teak. What exactly does he want to venture into? The theatre. God have mercy on the West End. Here is a direct quote from the interview regarding his chosen profession.

“When I realized that if I was an actor, I could be any character I wanted instead of just one particular, I was like, ‘Wow, that’s cool,” he said.

Cunt.

I don't ever remember Pacino or Brando saying something as stupifyingly wank as that but of course therein lies the problem with this coma-inducingly dull twat. He seems to be the only person on the face of the planet that thinks he can act. Now, being bad in films is one thing but he defo won't get away with it on the boards. He'll get ripped to fucking shreds. Even with slick editing and visual effects the cunt manages to fill the screen with the cinematic equivelant of celery but he'll have no such trickery in the West End. But, good luck to him. You see, I hate theatre and therefore won't have to put up with seeing the dullard's gay fucking face for a while. Thanks Orlie. Much appreciated.

Jerry Bruckheimer was also interviewed and he had this to say which I found so offensive I immediately went to the nearest pet shop to buy a cat just so that I could kick it. Real hard.

“He could be this generation’s Errol Flynn. No doubt in my mind,” Bruckheimer said. “He’s handsome, he’s debonair, he’s a good actor, he’s got a great smile. He’s smart. It’s all about choices, if actors make the right choices. He’s got the talent, so it comes down to what he picks and the directors and people he works with.”

Jerry. You. Are. A. Massive. Cunt.

How fucking deluded can you possibly be? I'm still laughing actually.

"Yo Ho, Yo Ho. Suicide It Is For Me"

Right, I’ll start by saying that the past week has been a total fucking pisser. In the past seven days I found out that my boss is a much bigger cunt than I already thought he was, I received my new council tax bill which was tantamount to bending me over and gang raping my little brown garden with a chainsaw, my liver exploded but worst of all, I had to sit through the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Dead Man’s Chest. Why did I waste two and a half hours of my rapidly shortening life? Because I’m a complete rim-jimmy obviously but mainly because I promised the wife that I would take her to see the third fucking film. And, because I’m an anal retard I thought I should really watch the second film to get all the relevant plot details and whatnot. I wouldn’t want to get confused now would I?

So, I rented the bastard, closed the curtains and turned up the sound. All this with an apparent open mind that it might not be quite as bad as I was expecting. And it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. It was way worse. Short review. IT WAS FUCKING CLINKER PELLETS! Awful beyond words and believe it or not way worse than the already bobbins original.

Gore Verbinski is a massive, massive, MASSIVE clit-digit of the highest order.

It took a good hour before anything resembling a plot device was introduced.Probably because Johnny Depp was too busy in CUNT OVERLOAD MODE and spent the first act just being a total prick and thinking he’s proper funny and charismatic so to hell with the narrative. Johnny, you're not funny or charismatic mate. You're a cunt. I’ve made it clear in other posts that I thought his spacky turn as Captain Jock Strap in the first film was not only tiresome and retarded but deserved an Oscar nomination about as much as I deserve a Pulitzer for my piece on puppets that need a good fucking. But, he’s even worse in this one. Overacting, hammy, yawn inducing performances do not come any more cuntier.



“Hey! Depps an acting genius and his Captain Dick Sucker is an inspired turn. YOU are the cunt Crabman” I hear you say. Hmm. Anybody who actually thinks that is a bigger cum-guzzler than Depp and Verbinski combined. And that’s going some. Fucking nob-polishers. Get royally fucked.

And, I haven’t even mentioned Orlando fucking Bloom yet. Yet another reliably insipid performance that is easily on par with any of his previously insipid output. So bland is he that you don’t really notice the cunt in this film. Which is good. But he will continue to get plum roles in big Hollywood blockbusters. Which is bad. Apparently, he has just signed on to make ANOTHER historical epic, this time the story of Pompeii. Well fuck me backways. How awfully original Orlie. Who or what will he be playing? My guess is the fucking volcano. Anyway I digress. Orlando Bloom is a cunt. I know it. You know it. He probably knows it for that matter.

So, that ruined my already shitty week but worse is to come. The third Pirates film is out in three days and I am seriously considering faking my own death, getting plastic surgery and moving to Nepal just to get out of going to see it. I jest not. Apparently, the running time is 168 minutes. WHAT??? Even longer than the last one. Please, all involved, these films are throwaway, trashy and cynically made films that are based on a fucking Disney theme park ride. They are not the Three Colours Trilogy. So, get a grip of yourselves, grab a hold of the nearest firearm and blow your shit for brains out of your thick skulls.

I shall review Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End when I get back from seeing it. You never know. I might like it. Ish.

I think I will leave on a positive note though. The CGI on that squid, quim, whatever bloke was pretty sweet.

An Apology From Two Ashamed Men

Dear Readers

DasGeordie and myself owe you all an apology it seems. According to the good people at Google Adsense, this site contains inappropriate content and excessively profane language that, if read, could end civilisation as we know it. We couldn’t be more embarrassed about this and we hope you accept our wholehearted apologies if any of you were offended in any way. I’m actually blushing just typing this. I feel sick to the bone with disgust both for myself and indeed my colleague.

If we had just taken the time to be mature and responsible enough to write genuine journalistic content without the need to insult people, swear constantly and add childish pictures, we wouldn’t be sitting here right now with egg all over our faces. I have taken it upon myself to write this post as DasGeordie felt so bad about the response from Google that he immediately went to the nearest church to get exorcised. The power of Christ did indeed compel him. I’m praying for you old friend.

So, just to show that we can write serious film reviews and articles, the site will no longer feature such immature behaviour and all features will be sans swearing / insults and any pictures posted will be personally approved by the Pope. We are going to be a serious movie site from now on. Heck, we might even post a link to Barry Norman’s official site. We like him. Oh, and we absolutely, positively will not say anything remotely offensive about the fine actor that is Orlando Bloom from now on. Sorry Orlie.

And just to prove that we have seen the light here is a serious review of The Grudge 2 which I saw just the other night on DVD with the wife. Here goes:

Takashi Shimizu is an interesting director. He is the man who created the Ju-On series in Japan and it was always going to be fascinating to see how he translated his own films into a westernised version. The Grudge 2 is the seventh incarnation of his Ju-On films and its a belter let me tell you. The film starts with Sarah Michelle Ge........Oh, I can’t carry on with this charade any longer. IT WAS FUCKING SHIT-BALLS!! Possibly the worst fucking film I’ve seen in a year. Shimizu is just a big sell-out cocksucking fucktard with no imagination left whatsoever. Scary? It’s supposed to be a fucking horror film but to be honest the Guinness McFlurry I produced in the toilet just before watching that piece of shit was far scarier. The wife concurs.

I’m sorry, but lank haired, pissed up jap skirt with no friends do not scare me anymore. So FUCK OFF. Oh, and if you are reading this Ms Michelle Gellar can you please fuck off back to television where you belong. Or get into hardcore porn. Either way, piss off. Bland-ass motherfucker!




Orlando Bloom can eat shit as well. And Google Adsense for that matter. Bell-ends!

Orlando Bloom: Episode 1 UPDATED

Right. The war has truly begun. This is probably old news but apparently our Orly was spotted talking to Superman Returns producers Mindy and Jon Peters and director Bryan Singer a couple of weeks ago. This is a very bad sign indeed. But let me just say that if Bryan Singer does cast Bloom in the next Superman film as, God forbid, General Zod, I will personally hunt the midget fuck down and place a very jaggedy shard of Kryptonite right up his jacksy. Which he’ll probably enjoy.

Orlando Bloom: Episode 1

We love Orlando Bloom here on this site. Sorry, that's a typo. I think it is glaringly obvious that DasGeordie and myself can’t stand the little runt. Now, I’m sure as a person he’s very nice, pays his bills and stuff and loves his Mum and shit and I have no problem with that whatsoever. I’m not a monster. No, what I do object to however is how outrageously successful he has become in recent years. Why you ask?.....THE LITTLE PRICK CANNOT ACT. FACT.

Directors seem to be falling over themselves these days to get Bloom onboard their films. Cameron Crowe, Wolfgang Petersen and Ridley Scott are ALL in the dock for letting the scrawny fuck-nugget “act” in their films. Ridley Scott should be serving back to backs for putting him in two, yes TWO fucking films. Black Hawk was very much let down by the fact that Doorlando was allowed to utter even one syllable in that otherwise fine film. My ring-piece can produce a better American accent.

I can’t stand actors like him. Middle class wannabe motherfuckers who were clearly born with a massive silver spoon up their clinker boxes. No talent whatsoever, but an endless resource of funds to get them through whatever wanky ‘Performance Arts’ academy they choose to attend.

“Mummy, I want to be an actor when I grow up. Like Olivier and shit”

“No problem son. You have zero acting abilities but we are fucking minted. RADA ok for ya Orlie?”

It should be no secret that the only reason he is successful is because he is a HEART-THROB and NOT because he can act. Little girls cream their cacks at the mere mention of Broom. Apparently, he is “well fit” and “dreamy”. Please. Do you really think the Pirates of the Fucking Caribbean films would have been half as successful if Orlando’s character had instead been played by, say, Steve Buscemi. No. Of course fucking not. Prepubescent girls poured into the cinemas to watch those films and not for the fucking storyline either. Whenever an important piece of exposition was being given, these squealing drones would probably be texting their friends with shit like “Orlie iz soooo hnky in ths flm :)” I hate cunty text speak as well by the way.


It's exactly the same reason that Titanic did so well. Not for the story and certainly not for the acting. No, it had crossover appeal. The lads went to see all the people drown and the girls went to see DiCaprio get sweaty in a car park. Its not fucking rocket science. I am also aware that Johnny Depp had a lot to do with the success of the Pirates films but my thoughts on that have been made crystal in an earlier post which can be found here

The only thing I can stomach Gloom in is the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Partly because I love those films and partly because they are the only films in which his brand of stilted, wooden, shitty “acting” don't seem to grind too much due to the nature of his character and the silly dialogue he has to utter. See, its not all bad is it Orlando Bloom fans?

Anyway, enough of the flattery.

Here are some GENUINE quotes from the man himself just to emphasise what a COMPLETE RIM JIMMY he is.

"Aged nine, I had this girlfriend, and we used to have running races in the park to see who would be her boyfriend for the day. I wanted to be like Superman and fly in and rescue her. Once I realised Superman was an actor, I thought, 'That's for me.” TWAT!

"I know how lucky I am. I've no complaints about the work." Er, I have mate. Plenty fucking slots.

"You have to be quite serious about tattoos [because] they're there forever." Thanks for that Professor Bloom. And here I was just about to tattoo CUNT on my forehead. Phew!

On being in love in general: "I'm in love with love. It's heavenly when you're falling for someone and you can't stop thinking about her." FUCK OFF!

"I always feel like a pirate." Maybe so, but you can’t fucking ACT LIKE ONE.

"I'm rather accident-prone, I have to admit. I've broken my back, my ribs, my nose, both my legs, my arm, my wrist, a finger and a toe and cracked my skull three times” Try your neck next time please. Clumsy bastard.

"It's a bit strange to be included in those sexiest people polls and all that sort of thing. I don't really even know who I'm up against!” Er. Steve Buscemi?

"If life isn't about humanity, then tell me what it's about, because I'd love to know." ??????????

Check IMDB if you don’t believe those quotes by the way.

And what’s up with that STUPID FUCKING NAME? I’d rather be called Legolas Greenleaf. Apparently, his friends call him ‘Orlie’ or ‘OB’. Makes him sound like a fucking Teletubby. Which he is actually. Eh oh!

His films will always make a shitload of cash because the studios are unbelievably cynical and they know he has the ‘Bush Vote’ so they will continue to put him in Summer tent pole films until he eventually comes out of the closet and shatters the hopes of millions of deluded fans. Mind you, ‘Kingdom of Heaven’ flopped. I know plenty of people that won’t watch that film simply because Borlie is in it. Nice one Ridley. Even old Bloomfeld couldn’t get millions of pantie-pissers to go see a three hour bore-a-thon about the crusades. Ha!

Well, I’m going to have a breather. I have lots more to say on this subject but I shall write it all in due course. Feel free to email me with anything you particularly dislike about Poorly and I will mention them in my next post. And if there are any genuine fans out there reading this, please may I direct you to the Orlando Bloom Fan Club link we have kindly supplied.